sketscher

I've never posted on this board before. But After having another major melt down this past weekend I did what I always do. Think, think, obsess, obsess, write and reach out to friends, and obsess some more. I cry so hard I wake up with a head aches and eyes that are so swollen I barely look like myself. And all this over some guy. Some guy I am honestly not even sure is worth my affections! And I can tell myself to not worry, i'll be fine a for awhile then my brain begins to obsess again and the results are usually not good. I binge eat, drink or smoke.

well the friends I talked with have all independently said that I should seek professional help. That I have a very negative attitude (I do), that i obsess (I do), one friend thinks I have OCD, but...I don't repeat actions, i don't have rituals. I do however have a very obsessive brain, when I become interested in something, or someone, I admittedly do become enthralled with it. sometimes the results are positive, as in artwork that is created from these obsessed periods. But when it comes to relationships it's not very positive.

I could go on and on, about how i worry and have since early childhood, how sensitive I am to the emotions of others, how stressed I get at work, how irritated I can get. I have a couple phobias. Low self esteem. Body image issues. maybe even body image dysmorphia or something. I can't look at even my face in a mirror when others are in the room.

I don't know what all this means. What you'd classify me as. but...

I made an appt to see a pyschiatrist.

thing is I am a bit worried about being put on medication. I'm not sure if this is behavioral and i can somehow learn to manage my thought processes better without the meds.

any insight, and advice or just hearing what others have gone through in the beginning would help.

nandm

Welcome to our mental health forum. Always good to see a new face. Love the cat by the way. Glad you have made a psych appt. They are best qualified to diagnose what is going on. Good luck with the appt.

Lilya

Hi Sketcher.

Warm welcome to you and thumbs up for posting your concern.

I am wondering how old you are, because I used to be the way you describe for many, many years.

I can only share my experience with you. Your psychiatrist will hopefully be able to help you to stop the behavior, because it can be done. I think the reason I was like this - obsessive over men, negative, crying, binging, drinking and smoking - because I have an addiction and an addictive personality.

For me, I got help from AA (I´m a recovering drug addict and alcoholic) combined with self-help books, massive therapy and anti-depressants. It tought me to find a purpose in life, to take responsability for my life and get rid of people who were not good for me. I decided to work on a career and have a family, so I carefully made goals and worked towards them.

I believe it´s possible to use all this negative behavior and turn it around.
Obsession can be used for something good, so I suggest you start thinking of what you would like to make of your life.

Good luck, let us know.

Love and light,

sketscher

I'm 36, single, never married, no children. Which is something I am disappointed about not having...a husband and children. I do have a career, one that I went to school for and worked hard to get. I have my own house. I keep myself busy at times with art. It's the only thing in my life I have a healthy sense of pride about. I also garden, walk, read and ride my bike to occupy my time. I know in my heart I am a good person. But happiness seems to elude me, and I sometimes feel like my life is spiraling downward. I feel lost and lonely. I make rash decisions, I regret a lot of things. I ruminate. I question everything I do. I apologize for things that have no need for blame. I confess willingly to things that i feel are my fault. I'm mean, hateful and jealous of others, irritable, annoyed, angry, very nervous, shaky, tense, emotional and extremely sad at times to the point of desperate crying and prayers to God to help me. Asking God, please help me. It reaches this crescendo, I feel guilty and try to behave then the cycle starts again.It's this constant flow of energy. I lash out at people, friends, co-workers, family, boyfriends. I don't think it's PMS, though I sometimes try to use that as an excuse.

I am simply put, "unhappy". And wondering does a psychiatrist only evaluate you and put you on meds, or do they talk and counsel you?

Morning Glory

Hi sketscher,

Usually Psychiatrists deal with diagnosis and medication. A psychologist will have weekly sessions for counseling and talk therapy. The psychiatrist will probably be able to refer you to someone.

I began healing at your age from many of the things you describe. All those free floating emotions and behaviors were connected to a cause. I couldn't work on changing my behavior or healing the emotional pain until I realized the cause of the behavior and pain. At least that's how it worked for me. Changing my behavior after that wasn't hard at all.

How was your childhood? Was there neglect, criticism, sexual abuse, domestic violence, etc? A good therapist will be able to help you explore some of these issues.

sketscher

I hope to be referred to someone to talk to I suppose.

My early childhood was not bad. In fact when I look at pictures of me as a kid I'm sad because i wonder what happened to me that I couldn't make my life work the way it should. I was so cute and remember being really happy at least at home, playing and being with my parents and brother.

school on the other hand was not fun for me. For a while I remember pretending to be sick so i could stay home with my mom. I wasn't a good student. I felt pressure (wow much like today) to compete with this little group of kids who always completel

but I was really picked on by other kids and that e pre-teen and especially early teen years. I was shy and could not stand up for myself. I had few friends. Around 16 I became rebellious and very depressed. I gravitated to the "bad" crowd. Though I never really did anything "bad" I looked the part. I was not even trying to be pretty or socially accepted by popular kids. I guess this was the most bitter era of my life.

Morning Glory

The one thing that amazed me the most when I had my blocked memories surface was how much pain was connected to things that as an adult I thought were very small. I can remember being floored that such a small event could cause so much pain. I spent 5 years remembering each event individually and experienced the pain and fear caused by each event. The very last memory I had was a small event when the kids in the neighborhood teased me terribly. I can't believe how much shame I carried with me for years over that one blocked memory.

When I was about your age I could have told everyone that nothing really bad ever happened to me. Now I can tell you that there were real circumstances in my childhood that caused me great pain. My obsessions in life were my attempt to put a band-aid on my pain and it never worked. I finally reached a bottom and realized that all my pain and behavior belonged to me and nothing on the outside (people, places, or things) could bring me healing. I wasn't responsible for how I got to that place, but I had to be accountable for all my actions before I could heal.

If you have a bad stomach ache you go to the doctor and search for a cause. If you have great emotional pain there is also a cause. The answers are there. It just takes time to find them.

sketscher

Morning Glory,

it is very interesting as I was writing my last post i was interrupted (reason for the typos) but just as I was in the middle of writing it I was having a sort of flood of memories that were really upsetting. They were nothing I really felt were a big deal. I mean I'm almost embarrassed to mention them as bad events. They are not abuse or anything but they definitatley set the stage for problems later on I guess. I can see where my bitterness comes from and not fitting in with others socially.

well hoping the dr. can recommend a good therapist.

Lilya

Sketscher,

My life was also in turmoil at 36. I felt like I had missed the train of life for many reasons. I had started my career some years back and it was not going smoothly, but it sorted itself out. Don´t worry. You´re young and have the life ahead of you.

Reading the posts from Morning Glory, I wanted to add that I had analysis as well and learned to grieve over and then come to terms with unresolved issues from childhood and young adulthood.

I worked with ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) to heal the broken child inside. I learned anger management and to nurture myself.

Two books helped me on that journey: "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw and "The Road Less Traveled" by Scott Peck.

I learned to be grateful for what I have and hope to get what I lacked, and to be of service. I cannot stress how important that has been for me.

Love and light,

scarlati

I never saw a psychologist or psychiatrist. The guy I saw was called a "Licensed Professional Councellor" or something like that. It was really helpful! I think some regular therapy will do you a world of good. I only had to talk to him a few times before I started feeling much better about everything.

It would be nice if therapy alone can teach you to be happy, but if they do suggest meds try to keep an open mind. Some people don't find them to be helpful but for a lot of people, myself included, a combination of meds and therapy is necessary and quite effective.

sketscher

I am just counting the days before I go to the Dr. Although I am a nervous about it too. dumb thing is that I'm nervous about trying to find this Dr.'s office suite. It's so uuuuhhhh aggravating that I can worry about something that is over a week away, worry about being late, about wandering hallways to find the office, worrying about asking to lave work maybe 15 minutes early for this likely event. this is how my brain works I worry, I obsess, and it rarely subsides until the event is over. when it's over I think how dumb was that.

anyway, at this point I am really open to trying counseling and meds. cuz my life is passing me by. I've been so resistant to medical intervention my whole life and how I see how I'm destroying my life and others tell me this it's just about time...