sodetermined

From 5-7 was supposed to be "class" with the open meeting from 7-8. However, I was the only one there!!! At first I was a little disappointed, but after spending two hours with the lady that does the class, I knew that there was a good reason for it just being her and I.

Anyway, I really got a lot out of it. Mostly from watching a movie called "Chalk Talk". Just curious, has anyone watched this??? It was a guy speaking all about alcoholism as a disease, but I got a lot of information from it, a lot of understand about the addiction. It was an older movie, the guy kind of looked like Orville Redenbacher (sp.).

And also, we talked about boundaries. I told her how much I struggle with detaching from Chris, and how when he's incarcerated he's always wanting recovery, etc...and IF I decide to wait how boundaries are so important when he gets out. She also said that 4 months of a normal life is a long time and maybe by the end of that time I will have a change of heart.

I got a letter from Chris yesterday and it really seems like he wants recovery this time. I don't know he seems to be....I've got a lot of letters at home still from the last time he was incarcerated saying almost the same thing. It seems different this time, but that could just be him grasping at straws, too knowing these letters need to be different than the last set. It doesn't matter anyway, whether he means it or he doesn't or recovers or doesn't, the important thing is for me to continue on my own recovery and deal with my own emotions/feelings and thoughts. She actually suggested maybe sending the letter back to him and saying how nice it is to hear those things and that hopefully that is what will really happen this time.

We also talked about me "sugar coating" things for Chris. Like when we talk and he says "You have no faith in me", and I respond (trying to be all nice and polite) by saying, "Well based on the past it is hard for me", or something like that. She says that I just need to be more, blunt and to the point. Like when he says that I have no faith saying "No, I don't". I guess until we started talking I didn't realize how the things are say are not only misleading to him but also still considered enabling in a way.

I realized last night how far that I have come in my recovery. When Chris would leave I used to cry and BEG him to come back. I would call out to his mom's all weekend and beg for him to come home, he would hang up and I would call back and beg some more and tell him how I would fix things. Now I am the one telling him I need time....and I know that taking ownership for my own codependency has allowed me to get as far as I have.

TDinATL

Confused,

Thanks so much for sharing this, you've helped to encourage me to go forward and get into AlAnon. I will go tonight.

Wow. I never thought of that as sugar-coating, that's really good to know. I've done the same thing with my wife when I get "You don't trust me." And I say, "I do trust you but when you tell me X and then Y happens it damages my trust."

I guess I should just say "No, I don't."... that sounds so mean though! :-)

Thanks again for your post, great insight.

Janitw

I sugar coated for 22 years and it got me nowhere anyway......the only thing that sugar coating does is prolong the inevitable. I protected my XAH for all those years and still in the end got kicked in the teeth. So again I say to you both.....confused and TD....stay the course and keep a recovery program going for YOURSELVES because when it's all said and done you will come to the realization that your alcoholic is NOT what you wanted to begin with.......you will have out grown them. Spiritually and emotionally. Sad but most likely true.

abcdefg

Congratulations on a huge step for yourself!

It sounds like the woman at the meeting was of real service to you.

There is so much hope in our own recovery. I was made sick, too, by the disease of alcoholism and I need healing. Al-anon and working my program is like medicine for my sickness. It really works for me. I know others have lots of healing stories from other sources, but I didn't get better until I got into Al-anon so that's the only experience I can share about.

I'm very happy for you.

Shivaya

This reminded me of what a gal said in my very first alanon mtg. She shared with me that when her AH decided to leave her and their children, she was actually on the floor, holding on to his legs, begging him not to leave, all in front of the children!

I am so glad to hear you are doing well in your recovery.

Shivaya

Spiritual Seeker

When we stop taking " their " inventory and start taking our own inventory, we have plenty to keep us busy if we want change.
It looks like your focus it right where it needs to be, on your own issues, life, behavior and future.
As we say, keep coming back, cuz it works if ya work it.

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are doing well and beginning your healing process. I hope that you will continue to come here and go to Alanon meetings. You will meet many people who have been where you are now and they can guide you.......but only you can change you and take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of.

gentle hugs

Growing

Thank you for sharing your experience with alanon. I think it is great that you stayed for the meeting even though it was small. What you shared shows how much benefit you can get even from small meetings. I love alanon....it helped me change my life.