Day 2 ...Thanks for the insights
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 213
Day 2 ...Thanks for the insights
Hey All- Thanks to everyone for their perspectives on my last post...I am too emotionally attached to it to see the other side...you all helped me with that. My actions were inexcusable....maybe deep down inside I know my kids are safer this way...though thats a hard admission to make...and a deeply humbling one....I am sad...trying to get to gratitude and realize things could have been far worse...trying to see that I really do need to focus on me and do something....I am scared and ashamed....thanks for listening
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Yes Rob, this is painful and you feel ashamed.
Perhaps this will be the bottom you needed to get and stay sober. Yes, it is sad Rob, but time will pass, you will get better and better, and things will change. It is all in your hands.
You can turn this around. You're going to have to be strong...very strong. Keep your chin up and move forward.
Whenever I am forced to face things I don't want to.....I think about it like this.....A year is going to come and go...no matter what. So if I buck up, grind my teeth, do the work, and face what I need to....then, when the year is up, I'll be better off at the end of it than I would be if I didn't do anything about it at all.
Make sense? Bottom line is that we are always better off when we are trying. That's all you have to do right now is try. You can't fix everything over night. But you can fix things in time.
Tay.
Perhaps this will be the bottom you needed to get and stay sober. Yes, it is sad Rob, but time will pass, you will get better and better, and things will change. It is all in your hands.
You can turn this around. You're going to have to be strong...very strong. Keep your chin up and move forward.
Whenever I am forced to face things I don't want to.....I think about it like this.....A year is going to come and go...no matter what. So if I buck up, grind my teeth, do the work, and face what I need to....then, when the year is up, I'll be better off at the end of it than I would be if I didn't do anything about it at all.
Make sense? Bottom line is that we are always better off when we are trying. That's all you have to do right now is try. You can't fix everything over night. But you can fix things in time.
Tay.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: 49 degrees north
Posts: 1,036
Rob
In no way am I going to suggest that what you did was a good thing.
Yes, what you did, just like I earned a DUI a month ago. Yes, I earned it. It didn't "occur." Only one person responsible, and that person is me.
I suggest also, that "humility" might be a bit premature. I am only now beginning to feel humble. My first feelings were disgust, shame, guilt, and a sense that I was a danger to myself and others.
In an otherwise healthy person, I think those emotions are logical and necessary. Ownership. It wasn't the cop, the fact that I'd just found out that my mother has terminal cancer, or anything else. M'lady tried to take some ownership, saying that she "should have seen it coming," etc. I absolutely refused to accept her share of responsibility.
I had to "own" it and wallow in my personal muck for several days. Not self pity, mind you, but self awareness that my weakness was only acceptable if I resigned from the human race. Only an utter and complete moral transformation could restore me to being worthy of space on this planet.
Almost a month into that journey, I've made significant progress. A few major steps in a journey that will take millions of steps. Why did it take a 2x4 over the head? Dam*ed if I know. But, in retrospect, it may have saved my life.
Apologizing to others at this point is, I suggest, a primal act of self defense. It is meaningless. Of course I did the same thing. But it felt hollow, because who I'd really, really hurt is ME.
Do I offer sympathy? Not really. I sure don't deserve any. What I offer is hope, Rob. Hope that in a relatively short time, if you remain sober, your overloaded moral and spiritual circuits will begin to sort this out in a positive way. Hope that in a few weeks you will be able to "wrap your head around" the situation and use it toward a positive end.
I am so far from being "cured" it's silly. But I have a plan. I have a map. Not based on "reaction" as much as intelligent "action." It is all that I can do! But in order to do so, I did have to wallow in the muck for a while. I've been busy washing it off since. Nasty stuff it is.
The bright side of this kind of sh*t is that it limits the choices in complex minds. There really are only two. Surrender to the demon, or start kicking as*. I think I know which one you will choose. That is the hope I offer you. There is a man inside of you capable of kicking significant demon butt. We didn't ask for it, but god imposed the choice. Stopped us cold and said, "Choose or die, MF!"
Humility is something gained when we can reflect on our total being. I don't think you will be capable of that for a week or two. I think it involves weighing the totality of who we are and who we've been. Humility isn't weakness, but incredible strength. Humility isn't what we feel when we are surrounded by alligators. It takes reflection, stillness, and mental quiet.
If you are like me, right now it is your midbrain captaining your ship. Automatic, primal, life sustaining. Survival first. Every day after my "event" I could almost feel my internal hard disk reloading. Like the slowest XP system on earth, loaded with Trojans, malware, viruses, whatever. I had to do a complete reformat. My hard disk is still humming, reinstalling everything.
No, I don't offer sympathy. That is what is offered when something beyond your control happens, like the death of a loved one. What I sincerely offer is something that is far more essential and that is hope. Whether you can receive this gift may determine how you react to god's choice. That choice ain't going away, Rob. I sincerely "hope" that you commence kicking serious dragon as*.
warrens
In no way am I going to suggest that what you did was a good thing.
Yes, what you did, just like I earned a DUI a month ago. Yes, I earned it. It didn't "occur." Only one person responsible, and that person is me.
I suggest also, that "humility" might be a bit premature. I am only now beginning to feel humble. My first feelings were disgust, shame, guilt, and a sense that I was a danger to myself and others.
In an otherwise healthy person, I think those emotions are logical and necessary. Ownership. It wasn't the cop, the fact that I'd just found out that my mother has terminal cancer, or anything else. M'lady tried to take some ownership, saying that she "should have seen it coming," etc. I absolutely refused to accept her share of responsibility.
I had to "own" it and wallow in my personal muck for several days. Not self pity, mind you, but self awareness that my weakness was only acceptable if I resigned from the human race. Only an utter and complete moral transformation could restore me to being worthy of space on this planet.
Almost a month into that journey, I've made significant progress. A few major steps in a journey that will take millions of steps. Why did it take a 2x4 over the head? Dam*ed if I know. But, in retrospect, it may have saved my life.
Apologizing to others at this point is, I suggest, a primal act of self defense. It is meaningless. Of course I did the same thing. But it felt hollow, because who I'd really, really hurt is ME.
Do I offer sympathy? Not really. I sure don't deserve any. What I offer is hope, Rob. Hope that in a relatively short time, if you remain sober, your overloaded moral and spiritual circuits will begin to sort this out in a positive way. Hope that in a few weeks you will be able to "wrap your head around" the situation and use it toward a positive end.
I am so far from being "cured" it's silly. But I have a plan. I have a map. Not based on "reaction" as much as intelligent "action." It is all that I can do! But in order to do so, I did have to wallow in the muck for a while. I've been busy washing it off since. Nasty stuff it is.
The bright side of this kind of sh*t is that it limits the choices in complex minds. There really are only two. Surrender to the demon, or start kicking as*. I think I know which one you will choose. That is the hope I offer you. There is a man inside of you capable of kicking significant demon butt. We didn't ask for it, but god imposed the choice. Stopped us cold and said, "Choose or die, MF!"
Humility is something gained when we can reflect on our total being. I don't think you will be capable of that for a week or two. I think it involves weighing the totality of who we are and who we've been. Humility isn't weakness, but incredible strength. Humility isn't what we feel when we are surrounded by alligators. It takes reflection, stillness, and mental quiet.
If you are like me, right now it is your midbrain captaining your ship. Automatic, primal, life sustaining. Survival first. Every day after my "event" I could almost feel my internal hard disk reloading. Like the slowest XP system on earth, loaded with Trojans, malware, viruses, whatever. I had to do a complete reformat. My hard disk is still humming, reinstalling everything.
No, I don't offer sympathy. That is what is offered when something beyond your control happens, like the death of a loved one. What I sincerely offer is something that is far more essential and that is hope. Whether you can receive this gift may determine how you react to god's choice. That choice ain't going away, Rob. I sincerely "hope" that you commence kicking serious dragon as*.
warrens
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Rob I did the same thing many times, to the point where I was going to lose them all and until I saw my own death I did not give a damn!!!
It is time to take action, you say your wife is in recovery and has 6 years, how has she stayed sober? Maybe it is time to take the action and talk to her about what she is doing to stay sober. I found a solution that worked for me, sounds like your wife has as well, maybe it is time for you to find yours.
It is time to take action, you say your wife is in recovery and has 6 years, how has she stayed sober? Maybe it is time to take the action and talk to her about what she is doing to stay sober. I found a solution that worked for me, sounds like your wife has as well, maybe it is time for you to find yours.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Miamisburg, Ohio
Posts: 217
Don't be to hard on yourself Rob. Was it a mistake, yes. Made that one many times after my divorce in 1988. As bad as that stuff was the worst part for me was coming to terms with the fact that many times I didn't pick up my kids or call because I couldn't pry my lips off the bottle. Or the times I would look forward to dropping them back off at Mom's so I could get back to the Pub.
Sometimes I hate myself for the things I've done...I think it's a healthy hate though...it makes me cherish my sobriety and enjoy simple things like being there. That past that I don't regret or wish to shut the door on can be a very useful tool.
Hang in there Rob, keep moving towards sobriety, you will get there!!
God's Peace
Sometimes I hate myself for the things I've done...I think it's a healthy hate though...it makes me cherish my sobriety and enjoy simple things like being there. That past that I don't regret or wish to shut the door on can be a very useful tool.
Hang in there Rob, keep moving towards sobriety, you will get there!!
God's Peace
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