Looking for help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Pensacola, FL
Posts: 1
Looking for help
Hello friends,
This is my first attempt to find some support with the insanity I have been putting myself through for the past, I don't know, 5, 10 years or so...
What brought me to this point was a call from my oldest son, telling me he was homeless, again. I have been trying so hard to find the strength not to give in and be the typical enabler I have been for so long. I know all of my past attempts of trying to help have just put him, and my younger son, deeper and deeper into the depths of their addiction. I am a severe codependant, to the point it has nearly ruined my own life. And I feel so alone in this battle. Yes, I have found a few parents dealing with the same problems. But for the past 2 years I have been moving my sons and myself in the hopes of escaping these endless problems. So here I am, in a city with no close friends I can confide in, and still feeling the pain that just makes you want to give up on everything to make it all go away.
I have 2 heroin addict sons; one is back in my hometown, one is in jail here with two lovely grandbabies, both under 2 years old, that he has not spent more than a month with due to being incarcerated from drug/theft problems. I have moved my sons from MD, to FL, to AZ, back to MD, all to no avail. I have sold my business due to my own depression problems and am dealing with starting over in a new profession along with trying to dig myself out of terrible amounts of debt I have incurred from "trying to help". It just feels overwhelming.
I do find great happiness in focusing on my grandbabies. But I can't seem to escape the sadness and distress of feeling like I need to do something to save them. I know it will be the death of me, and probably them too. I am living in a town that does not offer support of any kind; no NarAnon or anything of the sort. So I found this website, and luckily found an entry about "Let Me Fall"... It was just what I needed, at the perfect time, and I realize that I can't continue to dig their graves. It has to stop, but I need to be reminded of this.
I am hoping to find some online friends to keep my strength up when I start to fall back into my defeating behavior. You know, we as parents can become as bad as the addicts after awhile.
I welcome any positive words of encouragement. Thanks for listening!
Clinging2hope
This is my first attempt to find some support with the insanity I have been putting myself through for the past, I don't know, 5, 10 years or so...
What brought me to this point was a call from my oldest son, telling me he was homeless, again. I have been trying so hard to find the strength not to give in and be the typical enabler I have been for so long. I know all of my past attempts of trying to help have just put him, and my younger son, deeper and deeper into the depths of their addiction. I am a severe codependant, to the point it has nearly ruined my own life. And I feel so alone in this battle. Yes, I have found a few parents dealing with the same problems. But for the past 2 years I have been moving my sons and myself in the hopes of escaping these endless problems. So here I am, in a city with no close friends I can confide in, and still feeling the pain that just makes you want to give up on everything to make it all go away.
I have 2 heroin addict sons; one is back in my hometown, one is in jail here with two lovely grandbabies, both under 2 years old, that he has not spent more than a month with due to being incarcerated from drug/theft problems. I have moved my sons from MD, to FL, to AZ, back to MD, all to no avail. I have sold my business due to my own depression problems and am dealing with starting over in a new profession along with trying to dig myself out of terrible amounts of debt I have incurred from "trying to help". It just feels overwhelming.
I do find great happiness in focusing on my grandbabies. But I can't seem to escape the sadness and distress of feeling like I need to do something to save them. I know it will be the death of me, and probably them too. I am living in a town that does not offer support of any kind; no NarAnon or anything of the sort. So I found this website, and luckily found an entry about "Let Me Fall"... It was just what I needed, at the perfect time, and I realize that I can't continue to dig their graves. It has to stop, but I need to be reminded of this.
I am hoping to find some online friends to keep my strength up when I start to fall back into my defeating behavior. You know, we as parents can become as bad as the addicts after awhile.
I welcome any positive words of encouragement. Thanks for listening!
Clinging2hope
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hardy Ky
Posts: 170
Hi hon,
What a mess...I have been there with the one son and by the Grace of God he put himself in rehab and is working on himself right now...I completely and fully put it in the Lords hands...I had to let the Lord take over and that is pretty much where I am...I pray and that helps me so much...I find peace and love in my heart with that...I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown..panic attacks where overwhelming and ect...But one day I opened my eyes and thought...The only one I know that can help and has been there for my family and me, is a pray away and he is Lord...From that point on...my heart is lightened up and my soul feels cleansed...I found happiness again.
That is my story and I guess everyone has there own way of dealing with things...I just felt hopeless and I was.
Then one day my husband found this site...mentioned it to me...and that was the beginning of my new found friends....These people on this site are Angels. They will help you so much!!
I know how hard it is to watch them mess their lives up. You never Know as a parent, when do I stop taking care of them or asking the question is this enabling them or not...Especially when their mistakes could be deadly.
I personally prefer praying and interacting with these wonderful people on this site.
I will be praying for you and your family.
God Bless you sweetie and a Big Hug from another mom who's been there.:ghug3
Machele
What a mess...I have been there with the one son and by the Grace of God he put himself in rehab and is working on himself right now...I completely and fully put it in the Lords hands...I had to let the Lord take over and that is pretty much where I am...I pray and that helps me so much...I find peace and love in my heart with that...I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown..panic attacks where overwhelming and ect...But one day I opened my eyes and thought...The only one I know that can help and has been there for my family and me, is a pray away and he is Lord...From that point on...my heart is lightened up and my soul feels cleansed...I found happiness again.
That is my story and I guess everyone has there own way of dealing with things...I just felt hopeless and I was.
Then one day my husband found this site...mentioned it to me...and that was the beginning of my new found friends....These people on this site are Angels. They will help you so much!!
I know how hard it is to watch them mess their lives up. You never Know as a parent, when do I stop taking care of them or asking the question is this enabling them or not...Especially when their mistakes could be deadly.
I personally prefer praying and interacting with these wonderful people on this site.
I will be praying for you and your family.
God Bless you sweetie and a Big Hug from another mom who's been there.:ghug3
Machele
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Hello the addict in my life is my 22yr old daughter she was using crack then switched to heroin. She's in jail now will get out soon I'm not sure how things will be only time will tell. She also has 2 children which we are raising a the moment.
You've came to a great place lots of people here that understand what your going through.
You've came to a great place lots of people here that understand what your going through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Welcome, clinging. I'm clinging to hope, too, for my 19 y/o addict daughter. I know pretty well how to stop enabling, but I don't know how to stop caring and that is driving me crazy - watching her die (she has HIV).
I do know this forum has been a big help when I don't think anybody understands.
I do know this forum has been a big help when I don't think anybody understands.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
We have a saying, "Nothing changes if nothing changes"
It sounds like you are admitting that you are powerless over their addiction and your own life has become unmanagable. That's is actually a good starting point for change.
Is it time to detach and have a better life for yourself?
Florida Al-Anon & Alateen (see if this website is accurate or google An-anon and your city/state.)
As parents of addicts we can get sick with worry and rescue. With support we can see that we can turn the focus on ourselves and change only that for which we have control...ourselves.
Welcome, I know your sorrow all too well as a mother.
There is a different way to live, best wishes as you head in that direction.
It sounds like you are admitting that you are powerless over their addiction and your own life has become unmanagable. That's is actually a good starting point for change.
Is it time to detach and have a better life for yourself?
Florida Al-Anon & Alateen (see if this website is accurate or google An-anon and your city/state.)
As parents of addicts we can get sick with worry and rescue. With support we can see that we can turn the focus on ourselves and change only that for which we have control...ourselves.
Welcome, I know your sorrow all too well as a mother.
There is a different way to live, best wishes as you head in that direction.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Clinging,
It's a wonderful thing that you found this website. I have gained incredible insight into the dynamics of drug addiction and it's downward spiral, from the mother's perspective. Please keep coming here and asking for help and support. I think you will be a relieved as I was to be a member of Sober Recovery support forum. I read and read when I first got here, many old posts and the "stickies" that are at the top of this forum also. It was there I saw my own son's behaviors and mine as well. It was here I found more peace than I'd had in a long time
It's a wonderful thing that you found this website. I have gained incredible insight into the dynamics of drug addiction and it's downward spiral, from the mother's perspective. Please keep coming here and asking for help and support. I think you will be a relieved as I was to be a member of Sober Recovery support forum. I read and read when I first got here, many old posts and the "stickies" that are at the top of this forum also. It was there I saw my own son's behaviors and mine as well. It was here I found more peace than I'd had in a long time
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Another parent here with hugs.
You are not alone in this.
you have done many of the same, insane things we all here do when we try to love our addict into submission.
having two children as addicts is difficult but again you are not alone in that either. Addiction running in families is common.
As Spiritual Seeker states. find a meeting. This cannot be stressed to much. Al-Anon, NAR-Anon, even CODA, are all good 12 step programs for dealing with your emotional issues. I found such peace in my Al-anon program and my CODA readings even during the darkest of times.
I am glad you have realized that your "helping" was only hurting. Now you have to learn how to detach with love and practice it. Which is hard. I know I have slid back into enabling a few times.
coming here is a good thing. Many people here to support and share this journey with you.
If you can't find any meeting then go to the Al-anon or Nar-Anon website and look for Reading materials.
Praying for you and your two sons.:praying
You are not alone in this.
you have done many of the same, insane things we all here do when we try to love our addict into submission.
having two children as addicts is difficult but again you are not alone in that either. Addiction running in families is common.
As Spiritual Seeker states. find a meeting. This cannot be stressed to much. Al-Anon, NAR-Anon, even CODA, are all good 12 step programs for dealing with your emotional issues. I found such peace in my Al-anon program and my CODA readings even during the darkest of times.
I am glad you have realized that your "helping" was only hurting. Now you have to learn how to detach with love and practice it. Which is hard. I know I have slid back into enabling a few times.
coming here is a good thing. Many people here to support and share this journey with you.
If you can't find any meeting then go to the Al-anon or Nar-Anon website and look for Reading materials.
Praying for you and your two sons.:praying
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Who wouldnt be depressed in your situation. The first step is you realize you are co-dependent as many of us are. If only we could wave a magic wand and change our behaviour. Not so simple. This board is a wonderful support, the people here do not judge and they can relate to what you are going through. Learning to detach and take care of yourself is one of the most difficult things. What I have realized is that they are going to continue on there path to destruction with or without us. Prayers to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hi, welcome. Another mom, 23 yo AD.
We also moved, moved, tried, worked our program, went to meetings, etc, etc. SHE DIDN"T!!!
I understand so well you feelings, and you are in the right place. There are many here who will walk beside you and you can say what you want--the truth-- and it doesn't shock anyone and they don't look down on you.
Read around some of the past posts, there are alot of us here just like you.
prayers for you, it can get better!
susan
:codiepolice
We also moved, moved, tried, worked our program, went to meetings, etc, etc. SHE DIDN"T!!!
I understand so well you feelings, and you are in the right place. There are many here who will walk beside you and you can say what you want--the truth-- and it doesn't shock anyone and they don't look down on you.
Read around some of the past posts, there are alot of us here just like you.
prayers for you, it can get better!
susan
:codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
((((Clinging))))
I can't imagine having two children that are addicts, you have your hands full. I can tell you that some of the worst cases recover everyday. I have personally spoke to some.
I also have a 26 yr. old daughter who was a heroin, crack addict for 7 yrs. and today she is clean. She lead a very bad and dangerous life and she finally turned it around.
Life is far from perfect but she no longer uses drugs. I take one day at a time because I fear relapse. I also know that relapse is a part of recovery. I can't begin to tell you what an enabler I was. I now know what I can live with and what I can't. I also know that there are things that I don't have to put up with if I don't want to. I have to protect my assets so I can have security. I have put out a lot of money to save my daughter also. Did it save her......NO. She in the end saved herself. I have learned to take care of myself because I was sinking very low. I am by no means cured of being a codie, I have a long way to go. But I am better, and I'll take that over the way I was.
I think SR has saved my life. The friends I have met on here really and truly understood me. For me that is what I needed, someone to understand. Someone I could relate to. Someone who has walked in my shoes. Someone who will not judge me, no matter what I share. Someone to vent to, when I needed to vent. We laugh together, we cry together, some of us have even became phone friends.
Please come and visit anytime you feel like it. The light is always on.
Blessings on you and your sons................Lo
I can't imagine having two children that are addicts, you have your hands full. I can tell you that some of the worst cases recover everyday. I have personally spoke to some.
I also have a 26 yr. old daughter who was a heroin, crack addict for 7 yrs. and today she is clean. She lead a very bad and dangerous life and she finally turned it around.
Life is far from perfect but she no longer uses drugs. I take one day at a time because I fear relapse. I also know that relapse is a part of recovery. I can't begin to tell you what an enabler I was. I now know what I can live with and what I can't. I also know that there are things that I don't have to put up with if I don't want to. I have to protect my assets so I can have security. I have put out a lot of money to save my daughter also. Did it save her......NO. She in the end saved herself. I have learned to take care of myself because I was sinking very low. I am by no means cured of being a codie, I have a long way to go. But I am better, and I'll take that over the way I was.
I think SR has saved my life. The friends I have met on here really and truly understood me. For me that is what I needed, someone to understand. Someone I could relate to. Someone who has walked in my shoes. Someone who will not judge me, no matter what I share. Someone to vent to, when I needed to vent. We laugh together, we cry together, some of us have even became phone friends.
Please come and visit anytime you feel like it. The light is always on.
Blessings on you and your sons................Lo
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Clinging2hope,
Well, hugs to you, I know how hard it is to watch your sons spiral continuously downward. I also have 2 sons who are addicts, one is sober, and working, the oldest is due to go back to jail any day now, for trafficking, yet "says" he is sober.
The bottom line of all of this is, nothing changes, if nothing changes. You keep moving, thinking it will help them, when in actuality, no one can help them but themselves.
It took me a very long time to stop me enabling behavior, it's not something that stops overnight. For right now, put YOU first, and start making some boundaries for YOU. Take little baby steps, and start saying "NO" to things that should be their responsibility.
My sons are 30, and 34. It's been a long, long road to help myself.
Hugs to you, I'm glad you found us.
P.S. Meetings realy help, to give you support and strength.
Well, hugs to you, I know how hard it is to watch your sons spiral continuously downward. I also have 2 sons who are addicts, one is sober, and working, the oldest is due to go back to jail any day now, for trafficking, yet "says" he is sober.
The bottom line of all of this is, nothing changes, if nothing changes. You keep moving, thinking it will help them, when in actuality, no one can help them but themselves.
It took me a very long time to stop me enabling behavior, it's not something that stops overnight. For right now, put YOU first, and start making some boundaries for YOU. Take little baby steps, and start saying "NO" to things that should be their responsibility.
My sons are 30, and 34. It's been a long, long road to help myself.
Hugs to you, I'm glad you found us.
P.S. Meetings realy help, to give you support and strength.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi Clingingtohope, I'm another mom of an addicted 24 yr old daughter.......
Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found us.....
My heart goes out to you...with a plate so full....good for you for recognizing your co-dependency, big part of the battle.... Sr has been a godsend for me, finally someone who understands my pain , someone who has walked before me and knows the way....I learned here to detach with love and reclaim my life and be a clear example for my daughter.....and for that I will be eternally grateful......We understand and we are here for you...
Do you have custody of your grandbabies?
Welcome to SR, I am so glad you found us.....
My heart goes out to you...with a plate so full....good for you for recognizing your co-dependency, big part of the battle.... Sr has been a godsend for me, finally someone who understands my pain , someone who has walked before me and knows the way....I learned here to detach with love and reclaim my life and be a clear example for my daughter.....and for that I will be eternally grateful......We understand and we are here for you...
Do you have custody of your grandbabies?
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((((((Clinging2hope)))))))))))
Hi. Another mom here. Just sending out my prayers and support to you
and your sons. My own sister, who's 54, has 2 growns addict sons.
She has full custody of the oldest's 6 yo son. Her oldest is in a lockdown
rehab now. Her other son, (middle child) recently got out of jail and lives up the road from her with his enabling gf and her 2 kids. She, herself, on methadone. It's a mess, to say the least.
My own grown son, 26, lives in a very small town with an older woman and sees a family physician regularly for medicines for bi-polar disorder.
He no longer shoots heroin, (2 years clean) but continues to smoke pot and
have the occasional beer. I have learned, the hard way, btw, to let go and let
God look after my son. I had to reach my own "rock bottom" to ensure that I no longer would "help" my son continue his self destructive behavior. It's hard. It really is. But by coming here and meeting others, you've taken a pro-active stand against codependency. I applaud you and give ya a big ol' hug
too. Keep coming back for support. There are a great number of wonderful people here who can give you support and feedback and help you reach a better place, emotionally and mentally, from codependency.
First step...admitting powerlessness. Good job!
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
Hi. Another mom here. Just sending out my prayers and support to you
and your sons. My own sister, who's 54, has 2 growns addict sons.
She has full custody of the oldest's 6 yo son. Her oldest is in a lockdown
rehab now. Her other son, (middle child) recently got out of jail and lives up the road from her with his enabling gf and her 2 kids. She, herself, on methadone. It's a mess, to say the least.
My own grown son, 26, lives in a very small town with an older woman and sees a family physician regularly for medicines for bi-polar disorder.
He no longer shoots heroin, (2 years clean) but continues to smoke pot and
have the occasional beer. I have learned, the hard way, btw, to let go and let
God look after my son. I had to reach my own "rock bottom" to ensure that I no longer would "help" my son continue his self destructive behavior. It's hard. It really is. But by coming here and meeting others, you've taken a pro-active stand against codependency. I applaud you and give ya a big ol' hug
too. Keep coming back for support. There are a great number of wonderful people here who can give you support and feedback and help you reach a better place, emotionally and mentally, from codependency.
First step...admitting powerlessness. Good job!
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda
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