angry and bitter-now she's dragged "karma" into all of this
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
angry and bitter-now she's dragged "karma" into all of this
Hey All,
I am so disgusted and fed up with this insane merry go round that my mother refuses to get off of and keeps dragging me back on to. So Jane is at yet another hostel. I've helped her move three times now between places, and on the third time, I took two boxes of her belongings back to my apartment; I don't know why I did that because the hostel had a storage space. But anyway. I realized that I was enabling her because she then called and asked me to bring up a few select items...and then a few more..and more...and so on. We live in different cities so this is not convenient for me. And then she started asking me for more money. My parents wired her $300, and two days later, she didn't have any money left--she claims someone grabbed it on the bus--but I don't know what to believe.
So my husband and I decide to bring her belongings back up to the hostel and let her deal with them--I call her and ask her if that's alright with her and whether she needs any money. She says that's "fine", and no, she doesn't need money. At the hostel, she comes down stairs with a suitcase full of stuff that she wants us to "store" for her for "awhile". I take the suitcase out to our car, but I'm angry; my husband takes it back to her and says, "I'm sorry, but we just can't get this today", and we leave. "We are only enabling her further", he says, and I realize that he's right.
So of course Jane goes and tearfully calls my parents, reporting that her mean sister and husband "dumped all her stuff on the curb and drove off, and she doesn't have any money, not even for food because her mean sister didn't give her any". My mom calls me in a hysterical rage, yelling at me "how dare you" and "she has NO MONEY" and "how could you DO THIS TO HER?!" and "I never want to speak to you again", and "you are a HORRIBLE daughter" and a long slew of other emotionally abusing insults. I ask her to calm down so I can explain what happened. She screams "NO! NO I WILL NOT". So I hang up on her. Ahh, we're back to square one.
I write her an email explaining the exact situation since Jane seems to lie and manipulate and twist things around to make her the victim and everyone else the bad guy. My mom doesn't even read it and responds with this message that she "doesn't know me anymore", that she's "beyond disappointed with my selfishness" and--here's the topper--"do you believe in karma? because what goes around comes around. you reap what you sow and you will pay for this behavior". Nice, eh? It actually made me laugh because it was just so sick.
I was shaking and angry. I took a step back and then my husband helped me compose a return email that was civil. I explained that I am learning from Al Anon to trust Jane to be an adult and handle her own problems that she created. I told my mother that I will no longer expose myself to her emotional abuse and toxicity, and I strongly encouraged my mother to seek professional help like AL Anon. I told her she's as consumed by Jane's illness as Jane is. I doubt she will read the email, but it made me feel better.
Nothing is EVER good enough for my mother. It's all about "what have you done for me lately?", and even that's not enough. SO SO SO sick of all this drama and needed to rant...
I am so disgusted and fed up with this insane merry go round that my mother refuses to get off of and keeps dragging me back on to. So Jane is at yet another hostel. I've helped her move three times now between places, and on the third time, I took two boxes of her belongings back to my apartment; I don't know why I did that because the hostel had a storage space. But anyway. I realized that I was enabling her because she then called and asked me to bring up a few select items...and then a few more..and more...and so on. We live in different cities so this is not convenient for me. And then she started asking me for more money. My parents wired her $300, and two days later, she didn't have any money left--she claims someone grabbed it on the bus--but I don't know what to believe.
So my husband and I decide to bring her belongings back up to the hostel and let her deal with them--I call her and ask her if that's alright with her and whether she needs any money. She says that's "fine", and no, she doesn't need money. At the hostel, she comes down stairs with a suitcase full of stuff that she wants us to "store" for her for "awhile". I take the suitcase out to our car, but I'm angry; my husband takes it back to her and says, "I'm sorry, but we just can't get this today", and we leave. "We are only enabling her further", he says, and I realize that he's right.
So of course Jane goes and tearfully calls my parents, reporting that her mean sister and husband "dumped all her stuff on the curb and drove off, and she doesn't have any money, not even for food because her mean sister didn't give her any". My mom calls me in a hysterical rage, yelling at me "how dare you" and "she has NO MONEY" and "how could you DO THIS TO HER?!" and "I never want to speak to you again", and "you are a HORRIBLE daughter" and a long slew of other emotionally abusing insults. I ask her to calm down so I can explain what happened. She screams "NO! NO I WILL NOT". So I hang up on her. Ahh, we're back to square one.
I write her an email explaining the exact situation since Jane seems to lie and manipulate and twist things around to make her the victim and everyone else the bad guy. My mom doesn't even read it and responds with this message that she "doesn't know me anymore", that she's "beyond disappointed with my selfishness" and--here's the topper--"do you believe in karma? because what goes around comes around. you reap what you sow and you will pay for this behavior". Nice, eh? It actually made me laugh because it was just so sick.
I was shaking and angry. I took a step back and then my husband helped me compose a return email that was civil. I explained that I am learning from Al Anon to trust Jane to be an adult and handle her own problems that she created. I told my mother that I will no longer expose myself to her emotional abuse and toxicity, and I strongly encouraged my mother to seek professional help like AL Anon. I told her she's as consumed by Jane's illness as Jane is. I doubt she will read the email, but it made me feel better.
Nothing is EVER good enough for my mother. It's all about "what have you done for me lately?", and even that's not enough. SO SO SO sick of all this drama and needed to rant...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am sorry you are going through this with your sister and your mother.
You have an awareness of your own behavior and how it enables your sister. It does not appear your mother understands what enabling is. And rather then you lose your mind attempting to explain it, let her learn about it on her own.
I know your mothers words are hurtful and sting, she sounds very codependent, and her words are an ill attempt to manipulate you. If things always have to be about her, etc. etc.
I think your best bet would be to put your sister’s recovery totally into your mother’s hands and stay out of it. Love her from a distance, detach emotionally for your own health.
You have an awareness of your own behavior and how it enables your sister. It does not appear your mother understands what enabling is. And rather then you lose your mind attempting to explain it, let her learn about it on her own.
I know your mothers words are hurtful and sting, she sounds very codependent, and her words are an ill attempt to manipulate you. If things always have to be about her, etc. etc.
I think your best bet would be to put your sister’s recovery totally into your mother’s hands and stay out of it. Love her from a distance, detach emotionally for your own health.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Boudaries help me in all my relationships, not just the one with the A. Good for you for hanging up. You can't convince her of anything, no more than you can convince your sister to stop drinking.
There is a great book I read about these types of family dramas called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriett Lerner. There is a lot of information in it about "triangle" relationships and how to extricate yourself from them. It seems that your sister is playing you and mom against each other in order to keep the focus off the real problem. If you step out of the triangle, she can't do that.
L
There is a great book I read about these types of family dramas called "The Dance of Anger" by Harriett Lerner. There is a lot of information in it about "triangle" relationships and how to extricate yourself from them. It seems that your sister is playing you and mom against each other in order to keep the focus off the real problem. If you step out of the triangle, she can't do that.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi,
I'm sorry this is so painful for you. I had to distance myself many times from several family members and friends who could not offer support or tried to tear me down, and although it was difficult and I missed them- detaching saved my sanity.
I haven't read the book mentioned about relationship triangles but think it will be very helpful. I attended a class for families as part of my son's drug rehab and this topic was discussed.
I have one family member that only 'acts up' only when we are physically in his presence and we learned by trial and error the best way to react.
Saying a short but firm statement contrary to the garbage talk works well as does just walking away without giving a response. The boldness of making it brief and not getting pulled into the drama usually works surprisingly well!
I see it in a similar light with standing up to a a bully. They are usualy all bark and no bite- especially when their victim begins to show signs of strength. This might not work in your situation but when I demanded respect from people they sometimes gave it- and regardless if they complied or not, I was letting them know it wasn't going to happen anymore.
I wish you well.
I'm sorry this is so painful for you. I had to distance myself many times from several family members and friends who could not offer support or tried to tear me down, and although it was difficult and I missed them- detaching saved my sanity.
I haven't read the book mentioned about relationship triangles but think it will be very helpful. I attended a class for families as part of my son's drug rehab and this topic was discussed.
I have one family member that only 'acts up' only when we are physically in his presence and we learned by trial and error the best way to react.
Saying a short but firm statement contrary to the garbage talk works well as does just walking away without giving a response. The boldness of making it brief and not getting pulled into the drama usually works surprisingly well!
I see it in a similar light with standing up to a a bully. They are usualy all bark and no bite- especially when their victim begins to show signs of strength. This might not work in your situation but when I demanded respect from people they sometimes gave it- and regardless if they complied or not, I was letting them know it wasn't going to happen anymore.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I can so relate to your mother. And maybe my insights will help you.
My son is the A in our lives. My daughter started setting her boundries and acting in a healthy manner with him sooner than I did. My husband also acted in a healthy manner with him before I did. BUT it wasn't until I REALIZED that I was not acting in a healthy manner that things started to get better for all of us.
My husband talked to me about it for YEARS--I thought he was too strict and had no heart. I would scold my daughter for "being mean to her brother". Your mother is in terrible pain. The love that a mother has for her child(ren) is so incredibly powerful. She truly believes that she is right and you are wrong. There is no sense in trying to convince her otherwise. It's a futile as arguing with the alcoholic.
Keep doing what you're doing. Understand that your mother loves you very much and she doesn't know how to handle the pain that her other child is causing her. She wants/needs to share it because it is too much for her to bear alone. She is just so consumed by her own pain, she has no clue that she is causing pain to you.
You have offered your mother the kindest of things.....by suggesting Alanon. I wish that someone had told me that there was a way to stop the pain--I muddled through until I found my own way to Alanon. It wasn't until I began my SELF discovery that everyone began to heal. It is up to your mother to handle her role in this disease that affects the whole family. You are doing what you need to do for YOU. Keep up the good work.
If you want to do a really really nice thing for your Mom......buy her a present. One Day at a Time in Alanon is a wonderful daily reader that addresses the issues of alcoholism/addiction so very eloquently. Gentle guidance from you with reading material may get her there sooner than trying to explain your position.
gentle hugs
My son is the A in our lives. My daughter started setting her boundries and acting in a healthy manner with him sooner than I did. My husband also acted in a healthy manner with him before I did. BUT it wasn't until I REALIZED that I was not acting in a healthy manner that things started to get better for all of us.
My husband talked to me about it for YEARS--I thought he was too strict and had no heart. I would scold my daughter for "being mean to her brother". Your mother is in terrible pain. The love that a mother has for her child(ren) is so incredibly powerful. She truly believes that she is right and you are wrong. There is no sense in trying to convince her otherwise. It's a futile as arguing with the alcoholic.
Keep doing what you're doing. Understand that your mother loves you very much and she doesn't know how to handle the pain that her other child is causing her. She wants/needs to share it because it is too much for her to bear alone. She is just so consumed by her own pain, she has no clue that she is causing pain to you.
You have offered your mother the kindest of things.....by suggesting Alanon. I wish that someone had told me that there was a way to stop the pain--I muddled through until I found my own way to Alanon. It wasn't until I began my SELF discovery that everyone began to heal. It is up to your mother to handle her role in this disease that affects the whole family. You are doing what you need to do for YOU. Keep up the good work.
If you want to do a really really nice thing for your Mom......buy her a present. One Day at a Time in Alanon is a wonderful daily reader that addresses the issues of alcoholism/addiction so very eloquently. Gentle guidance from you with reading material may get her there sooner than trying to explain your position.
gentle hugs
Sister of Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: somewhere USA
Posts: 152
Thank you kindeyes...I am trying, really trying to see that she is in horrible pain because of my sister. It is just so hard because she won't acknowledge it....so frustrating. She says she won't go to counseling or get help because she's "normal" and everyone else around her is not. I honestly don't know what to say to her. So I'm stepping back and maybe I'll order that book for her on amazon. I was on amazon earlier and found this book:
Getting Them Sober: A Guide for Those Who Live with an Alcoholic, Vol. 1 (Getting Them Sober) (Paperback)
Is anyone familiar with this? I was thinking of ordering it for myself.
Thanks....
Getting Them Sober: A Guide for Those Who Live with an Alcoholic, Vol. 1 (Getting Them Sober) (Paperback)
Is anyone familiar with this? I was thinking of ordering it for myself.
Thanks....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I haven't read that one RFU but I've seen a number of folks in hear speak highly of it. Sending it to your mom is a great idea. As long as you accept she may throw it away unread. But at least you would have given her a resource. Its up to her what to do with it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Getting Them Sober -- it has some excellent information regarding alcoholics in it but it is very geared toward women (or men) married to alcoholics. I have had some personal interface with the author though and it wasn't a positive experience (eeek).
The book does an excellent job of explaining that you can't get them sober. I bought it early in my investigation of the disease hoping that it held the answer to get my son sober. I has nothing to do with getting them sober and everything to do with healing yourself. I'm all for any book that stresses this important point.
(Note: I've also tried her forum with very unsatisfactory results for me. SR is 100,000 times better! The interface is more open here without one person trying to control the dialogue. This is a healthy environment for healing. I'm sure glad I found SR!!)
The book does an excellent job of explaining that you can't get them sober. I bought it early in my investigation of the disease hoping that it held the answer to get my son sober. I has nothing to do with getting them sober and everything to do with healing yourself. I'm all for any book that stresses this important point.
(Note: I've also tried her forum with very unsatisfactory results for me. SR is 100,000 times better! The interface is more open here without one person trying to control the dialogue. This is a healthy environment for healing. I'm sure glad I found SR!!)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I am so very sorry for everyone. Alcoholism is = INSANITY. and it easily make sane people insane.
Difficult to grasp but we cannot force the alcoholic to get better. We MUST focus on our own recovery.
All my Love
Difficult to grasp but we cannot force the alcoholic to get better. We MUST focus on our own recovery.
All my Love
FreeSpirit
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Inside My Spirit
Posts: 1,274
ABOUT YOUR SITUATION,WITH YOUR SISTER AND MOM, BUT IF IS OF ANY COUNSEL I WAS A BIG CO-DEPENDENT I JUST DIDNT KNOW HOW TO SAY NO,MAYBE BECAUSE OF FEAR, OR REJECTION,OR ACCEPTANCE,AND BEEN ALONE BUT NO MORE HONEY THAS WAS GO ABOUT BEEN IN RECOVERY U REAP THE BENNEFITS THAT IT HAS FOR US,IM ALSO A RECOVERING ADDICT AND A AL-ANON MEMBER,I COULD IDENTIFIED WITH UR PAIN AND SUFFERING BECAUSE IM THE ONLY CHILD BUT I HAD 4'R BROTHES FROM MY MOMS SIDE 2 OF THEM PASS AWAY,AND I WAS RACE BY MY FOSTER MOM AFTER MY BIOLOGICAL AUNT KICK ME OUT AT 14 YEARS OLD,AND I LOVE MY FOSTER MOM BUT ITS HER DAUGHTERS I CAN B AROUND AND ITS FUNNY WE ALL SLEP IN THE SAME BED AND GREW UP TOGHETER,AND THE SECOND OLDEST WAS MY PROBLEM AND THE YOUNGEST ONE THERE WHERE ANICKI AND MANUPALATIVE, I HAVENT SPOKE TO THEM SINCE NEWYEARS DAY THEY ALLWAYS DEPEND ON ME TO PAY THERE WAY TO TREAT THEM AND HER KIDS AND I WILL DO IT BECAUSE I LOVE THEM THERE WHERE THE ONLY FAMILY I COULD CALL FAMILY I GUESS THEY TOO MY KINDNESS FOR WEEKNESS,AND WHEN MY SISTER IN-LAW WILL COME WITH US TO ANY OF OUR EVENTS THEY WILL LEAN ON HER LIKE LEACHES AND TREAT HER NICE I GUESS CAUSE SHE WAS THE CAR HOLDER THERE WHERE ALL BOUT INTEREST WHAT TEY COULD GET OUT OF YOU IT WAS A VERRY TOXIC BEHAVIOR SO THE LAST TIME THEY INVITED ME OUT I STOOD UP AND SAID NO NO I CANT GO OUT I WASNT IN RECOVERY AT THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE THIS WAS THE ENDING OF LAST YEAR I GOT BY THE GRACE OF GOD 2 MONTHS SOBER THEY COULD DRINK ONLY MY OLDEST SISTER SMOKES POT AND I AT THAT TIME MY YOUNGEST SISTER HAD QUIT 2 YEARS AGO BUT DRANK, AND MY SECOND OLDEST IS THE ONE WHO PRAYS ON INNOCENT PEOLES MONEY IS SAD TO ADDMIT THIS BUT THIS IS TRUE I THAUGH I NEED IT TO BE ACCEPT IT AND BELONG SOME WHERE THAT IS THE LIE OF THE DEVIL WITH FAMILY LIKE THAT WHO NEEDS FRIENDS NOW IM ON MY OWN WITH MY FAMILY MY HUSBAND AND 16 YEAR OLD SON AND MY REAL BIOLOGICAL DAD AND ITS OLD GOOD IN THE HOOD I AINT GOING TO LIE I MISS THEM BECAUSE I REALLY TOOK THE JOB OF BEEN THERE FAMILY SERIOUS I REALLY GREW TO LOVE THEM IN MAGENE SINCE I WAS 16 TO 19 I LIVE WITH THEM AND WHEN WE ALL MADE OUR LIFE SEPERET WE WILL ALL STILL KEEP CONNECTED SEEN OUR CHILDREN PLAY TOGHETER GROW TOGHETER 4 TH OF JULY GATHERING B-DAYS AND SO ON NOW IS LIKE A VACCUN CLEAN UP ALL THE UNNECESARY BAGEGES OR TOXIC WASTW THEY WHERE DRAINING ME OUT WITH THERE BEHAVIORS IM SORRY THAT THIS HAD TO HAPPENED BUT THE GOOD THING IS THAT THERE IS HOPE ON THE OTHER SIDE MANY OF THOSE MAY NOT CROSS AND ENJOY THAT PROMISE LAND BUT THATS LIFE U FIRST U SECOND U THIRD JUST PRAY 4R THEM GOD BLESS:praying
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by really_fed_up 
I am so disgusted and fed up with this insane merry go round that my mother refuses to get off of and keeps dragging me back on to.
Originally Posted by really_fed_up
My mom calls me in a hysterical rage, yelling at me "how dare you" and "she has NO MONEY" and "how could you DO THIS TO HER?!" and "I never want to speak to you again", and "you are a HORRIBLE daughter" and a long slew of other emotionally abusing insults.
Originally Posted by really_fed_up
I write her an email explaining the exact situation since Jane seems to lie and manipulate and twist things around to make her the victim and everyone else the bad guy. My mom doesn't even read it
Originally Posted by really_fed_up
Nothing is EVER good enough for my mother. It's all about "what have you done for me lately?", and even that's not enough.
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