Easeful

I'm guessing that as ACOA's we are all survivors of abuse in one form or another. I'm entering a new phase of my own recovery and I'm searching......

Could you help by describing steps you've taken to help to heal yourself? I'm especially interested in emotional trauma.

Thanks in advance.

GingerM

The biggest step for me was acceptance. Accepting that what happened happened, without judgement. Being able to say "this was my childhood." without adding anything else to the statement, like "and it shouldn't have been that way" or "and I'll never forgive them for it" or "and I hate them all" or whatever the rest of the sentence used to be.

Now I can simply say "this is how my childhood was" with no judgment, no added bits, no "shoulda"s. I can accept what happened as exactly that - what happened. What I do with who I am now is up to me, I can't change what happened.

It's only been in the last year or so that I was able to really accept it without judgment. That's gone a long way towards helping me heal emotionally.

Growing

For me, the first step was Honesty

For years I wouldn't allow myself to "go there". I thought "going there" was weak...that I was an adult...and I didn't need to live in the past...well...I found the problem with that...is that alot goes un-grieved...(yeah. I made that word up)...living life with alot of unresolved grief, I found, was no way to live at all...and it kept sneaking up on me whenever I felt any emotional pain....all of that grief would present itself and say, "your feeling now?....o.k....when will you deal with us?"...and it was too overwhelming for me.

For me...I had to make a generalized outline of what actually happened to me...starting with my family/friends...all of the members....like a family tree so that all the "players" were present...on paper...for me to deal with...then, over time and only as much as I could take at any given moment, I gave myself permission to let the memories come...either randomly...or as I thought about each member...I gave myself permission to feel how I felt about each incident or each person...I didn't tell myself that any of my feelings were "wrong"...if I felt like I hated the person...then I felt hate....if I felt angry....disgusted....pity....all of those feelings that seem "wrong"...I was surprised how I felt...some I felt overwhelming compassion....some I felt love....each memory was unique...when I allowed myself to feel for others...I began to feel for myself...I started to observe myself in the situation....and I had tremendous compassion and love for myself, for the first time. A good example that I learned here on SR from a dear member was...imagine all of your "issues" are a photo album filled with pictures, each picture is an individual "issue"...you only have to deal with one photograph at a time...so you don't get overwhelmed.

After I got all this "stuff" out...I was able to forgive most...not all...I am still working on some things...just getting these feelings out opened the door for me to look at things objectively...in observer mode...but not until I let myself really and trully feel without judging myself...now I can see that my past is just a past...and not let the present be controlled by it...or even very influenced by it....but I have a long ways still to go with grief work...but it is by far the most rewarding.

GiveLove

For me, the path toward healing (and it's a path, not a destination) was a lot like some of the stages of grief:

Denial: The initial stage: "It can't be happening." Like Growing above, for a long time I just denied that there was anything special about my upbringing (such as, for example, the fact that it was hell-on-earth) I just thought I was a lousy person in general, and unworthy of love.

Anger: "Why me? It's not fair." I think I spent the most years here. Hating what people had done to me, hating how things happened, hating my kneejerk fear, hating how much I seemed to be an irreparably screwed up person because of my childhood.

Depression: "I'm so messed up, why bother with anything?" This was when I realized that all of my relationships were unhealthy because of the patterns and fears I'd picked up earlier in life. It's also the stage where I got help thinking it all through; I tried a few counselors and finally found one that "got me" and understood ACoAs.....it wasn't a Woody Allen "therapy for life" thing, just a regular program of checking in, working through issues, and trying different ways of doing things. Reading, forums like this, learning a lot about myself and what was important to ME, figuring out what kind of person I wanted to craft myself into.......all of this came out of being sick of the anger and depression and wanting more out of the 70-odd years I've been given to enjoy on this planet.

Acceptance: "It's going to be OK." Where Ginger describes -- and where I am nowadays too. Bad things happened that shouldn't have. Traces of them exist in me on a cellular level, it seems, and they affect my reactions to people. But I'm aware of it --- I know what's going on now --- and I can self-diagnose when I'm acting like an ACoA. More importantly, I can stop myself in mid-stride, and say "Okay, that's not the kind of person I want to be, that's not the kind of person I want to be with, that's not the way I want to spend my life......"

I'm not helpless any more. I can see it all really clearly, and I can do something about it. But I had to go through the stuff above first. And I had to learn to stand outside myself and treat myself like the young innocent girl I never got to be:
---get angry when "she" is mistreated by other people
---protect her when "she" is about to walk into a damaging relationship
---cut her some slack when "she" is beating herself up over something that's just a natural part of the learning process....

.....and on and on.

That's how I got here, anyway.

Good luck to you, Easeful. You're worth all this effort, and you're certainly worth all the joy that can be found at the other end of it.

GingerM

GiveLove, I think that was pretty much my process too. Except I don't ever recall being in denial, although that may have been because I had a few outside people who gave me enough input to see things. I didn't label it "alcoholism", I labeled it "not living in my reality", but with dysfunction it really doesn't matter whether it's organic (e.g. mental illness) or whether it's chemically aided (addictions). The outcome is the same.

But the anger and depression (and blame) seemed to take turns for many many years. Like you, that was where I spent most of my time - probably from my mid-teens through my mid 30s. The acceptance was the hardest and the most recent, and that has allowed me to let go and decide who I want to be and how I want to behave and not allow my past to dictate my present. It was also what allowed me to finally learn to draw boundaries (although I think the acceptance and the boundary thing happened hand-in-hand).

I really like your comparison of grief to recovery. I do believe that is what it is: grief at lost opportunities, grief at lost innocence, grief at lost childhoods.

GiveLove

I left off one -- "bargaining." I didn't think we did much of that as ACoAs, but as it turns out I guess I do. All those years where I kept trying to get my parents and abusers to change, to be something other than the addicts/alcoholics they were and are. That was a bit of bargaining: "I'll give you a little more of my time, and YOU turn into something that's better for me, okay?" I know that Growing is still fighting this battle from time to time -- perhaps all of us are.

It is a great deal like grieving, imho. Just like leaving a romantic relationship that once seemed to have so much promise, or losing a child. Except in this case the child is you.

It DOES get better. Much better, in fact.
Baby steps.....

Easeful

Givelove, Gingerm and Growing, Thank you each so much for taking the time to write this out for me. It's extremely helpful (I've made copies to keep and refer to again)

Acceptance is obviously a major part of this. This is probably my biggest hurdle, since I've blocked the memories. I have physical scars so I know the sexual abuse took place. When I first quit drinking I got some memories back, but not the ones of the abuse itself. I'm pretty grateful not to have them butI'm also concerned that it signals a much bigger problem. I've recently started therapy again. :p breath::

And I don't know who I need to forgive. Although "everyone who failed to protect me" is probably a pretty good place to start.

I read the other day that "forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a different past." I think in the case of my 81 year old toxic father it also means giving up the possibility of a different future, at least as far as our relationship is concerned.

GiveLove

Hi Easeful,

Therapy -- if the person is really good and resonates with you -- is a good "preventative maintenance" for you, like keeping your car in good repair, this will keep your mind in good repair. Is he/she good? Is it helping?

I am so sorry for what the little Easeful was put through. I envy you (in a way) that your memories of sexual abuse are hidden behind the veil of time. I am not so lucky -- but by doing the things I wrote of above, I literally have reached a place where I no longer feel like damaged goods. It happened, it stinks to high heaven that it happened, but it no longer breaks me. What did the Eagles say? "Kinda bent, but we ain't broken." I understand too your desire to KNOW for sure.

I admire you for thinking of forgiveness at a time like this, but I have to confess that it really wasn't a high priority for me until I was a long, long way into my own healing. Having some of them die helped a lot, and being able to pity others helped, but really, I personally wasn't one of those people who got a lot out of forgiveness, and so it was low priority for a long time. I *did* work through the anger, slowly but surely, and that was a big relief. Now I simply don't care.......they are just a few of the countless incredibly screwed-up people on the planet, whom I no longer have time or brainspace to worry about. I'm still standing, and I am bigger than what they did to me.

Take this with a grain of salt, or don't read it at all: I could very easily choose to let my childhood abuse poison my entire life. VERY very easily. I would be perfectly justified, according to every book, movie, or song that's ever been written. But after working through it with my counselor -- a lot -- I just chose to admit it happened, mourn the pain it caused the Little Me, be ferocious about never letting it happen again to me or anyone I love, and get on with things. Revenge is not useful to me -- I just no longer care. As they say, "the wake doesn't drive the boat."

I'm cruising for more beautiful waters......they can all just stay behind in their sewer, because they are not welcome here.

Hugs to you, Easeful, and good luck with your sobriety and your healing. The most heartfelt wish I have for you is that you can get through it all to this place, where the pain is gone and your life will open out in front of you like an unfolding flower.

DesertEyes

Hey there Easeful

You know, that didn't work for me. What I had to do was first forgive the person I was _most_ angry with. That was _me_.

I didn't know it when I was in the middle of it, but I hated myself for not protecting myself, or my younger brother. I hated myself for not having my life in perfect order, for not having acomplished what I thought I should have, and for having so many emotions that I could not control. It was only after I stopped blaming _me_ for what _they_ did that I was able to make progress in my recovery.

I see a difference between forgiveness and absolution. Forgive is what a bank does when it costs them too much money to chase down a deadbeat. They "forgive" the debt. My parents owe me a childhood. The owe me a sense of self-esteem, they owe me the feeling of safety and comfort in life that is built from the love of a parent. They owe me a role model that I can turn to when I am in doubt.

The emotoinal cost of trying to get my parents to pay back that debt is far greater than anything they could ever give me. Not that they ever could. A childhood only happens once, I can't imagine how anybody could ever pay that back. So I quit trying to collect that debt, like a bank.

However, a bank does not _absolve_ you of the debt. They report you to the credit companys and they will never trust you again. Absolution is what a parent does to a child that spills a glass of milk. It really is the parents fault for giving the child a too full glass. My parents were _not_ children. And I am not their parent, nor am I the HP. Absolution is something my parents will have to work out with their own HP. I forgave the debt, but I _never_ let them come close to my own kids. I made it clear that if they so much as came into the same _state_ I'd call the cops on them in a heartbeat. I never trusted them again.

I modified the serenity prayer to help me work thru this whole "forgiveness" thing:

HP, grant me the serenity
To accept the past I cannot change
The courage to change the future I can
and the wisdom to start today.

Mike

Easeful

Quote > Therapy -- if the person is really good and resonates with you -- is a good "preventative maintenance" for you, like keeping your car in good repair, this will keep your mind in good repair. Is he/she good? Is it helping?

It's too soon to tell. But I've had several indications that it may be time to put this to rest once and for all. And so I'm trying to figure out how big of a deal I'll be getting myself into if I consciously decide to confront the past now.

Except for little things, a nightmare here, a repressed memory there, a little addiction to overcome now and then, I'm pretty happy. But my son has been hospitalized twice since Christmas and the possibility of childhood sexual abuse (of him) has been raised by more than one mental health professional. I have the distinct impression that this isn't going to go away until I deal with it straight on.

GingerM

I eagerly await getting further down my path to recovery. I have found that "happiness" is a relative term, and that we compare it to what we know or have known in our lives. Thus, if all we've known is atrocities, then we will experience not-quite-atrocious abuse as being "happy". And at each step along the way, I find myself redifining what happiness is.

At one point, I defined happiness as being left completely alone by all humans unless I absolutely had to interact with them. That changed when I started meeting more sane people and populating my life with folks who were less dysfunctional.

I'm in complete agreement with GL who talked about therapy being like a tuneup for the mind. I see my therapist once a month. We rarely have that much to talk about anymore, but I still find that the sessions seem to fly by and I learn new things about myself or new tools to use with people who make me nutty, or new ways to learn how to not fall into the traps laid before me by my upbringing. And with each session, I learn a little more of how to be a better me, the kind of me I want to be.

I'm not there yet, but I can honestly say that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life, and if the past is anything to go by, I will continue to become more happy with myself and my world with each day that I practice my skills and each encounter which I alter from my previous not-so-healthy responses.

Easeful

Quote:
I eagerly await getting further down my path to recovery. I have found that "happiness" is a relative term, and that we compare it to what we know or have known in our lives. Thus, if all we've known is atrocities, then we will experience not-quite-atrocious abuse as being "happy". And at each step along the way, I find myself redifining what happiness is.

lol, my h's family frequently criticizes him for how hard he "works" me on the farm. He tells them not to worry that my Dad and my x did not set the bar very high and so as long as he doesn't hit me with boards or lock me outside in the snow I stay pretty happy.

I do know what you mean about happiness being relative. ;o)

GingerM

LOL! The secret to success: set the bar low and anything else looks good

FindingPeace1

I took this in a more practical vein.

Therapy
Doing the 12 steps
Going to codependent's Anon, Alanon and ACOA meetings
Landmark Education courses (google it)
a 10 day Vipassana meditation course and regular meditation (Vipassana Meditation Website)
posting and reading here
Reading: Codependent No More, What Happy People Know, The Passionate Marriage, The Language of Letting Go
Self Help folk: Wayne Dyer, Barbara Sher, Louise Hay, Byron Katie
Releasing negative people and surrounding myself with positive, encouraging people
Journaling
Saying the things I want to keep secret/hide/deny