Lilya

Hi everyone,

Hope you´re all feeling Ok or better.

I´ve been away for awhile because I had too many things to deal with and no time to work on myself.

The place I bought last year turned out to need so much fixing, I feel overwhelmed by a new debt. I contacted a financial counselor by an agency run by the government and put everything on the table. We are working towards a solution, but I feel exhausted just by thinking about it.

Anxiety and sleeping problems... the knot in my stomach seems to have a life of it´s own. Sort of like in Aliens.

I have taken on more work to meet the new budget, so there is little time to do my artistic work and that makes me more sad than everything. My social life is suffering too, but I´m clean and sober and working at the gym.

I just feel the strife is never ending, which means my mind is in a bad state. Like Scott Peck writes in "The Road Less Traveled", problems are the norm rather then exceptions and we need to deal with it.

Enough said for now...

Love and light,

scarlati

It's good to hear from you, Lilya. I haven't been around here much myself but I do lurk occassionally and I noticed you hadn't been around. Last I remember you posting was November or so and you were asking how to handle a guy who'd been trying to get you to run away with him or something like that. I was a little worried about you.

I hope everything works out with the house. Is this the same place where you had that nightmare trying to get the heater and washer fixed?

Lilya

Hi Scarlati!

Nice to hear you too. How is everything? Planning to go bear hunting, right? LOL

I tend to disappear when my life is too full, but I usually return. I had a huge festival to organize on top of everything else.

Yes, you guessed right. It´s the damn place I bought. There are just repairs all the time and I cannot even begin to pay for all that or have the repairs done. It turned out to be a broken down shack. Well, when everything is built around the 16th or 17th century, you tend to get these problems.

My financial adviser is trying to find grants I might be able to get to pay for the repairs. In any case, the most important thing is to start dealing with things.

There was a guy in November and December. He sort of comes and goes in my life. He turned up and wanted us to be together, but then changed his mind. I had ten or twelve difficult days, then it was over. Too bad he blew other potentially interested guys out of my life before he took off, but then...

I just need time to figure it out, go back to basics and do therapy. My shrink was out of town for quite some time, but now she´s back and I had my first session after the new year. It´s good to share again on this board!

Love and light,

scarlati

Do you think you might do best to just cut your losses now and try to sell the place as is? You might find a buyer with the resources to do the repairs who would then re-sell it for a big profit. You'd obviously be out all the money you already put into it but it might be worth it just to get the place off your hands. Then maybe you could rent an apartment or something so you wouldn't have to worry about maintenance and save up to buy a newer house.

Can the repairs the place needs be spread out over a few years so you don't have to pay for it all at once? What kind of problems does the house have?

Lilya

Hi Scarlati,

I´m going to hang on a while longer, because that was my idea as well - to do repairs and sell it with some profit. If I would sell now it would not be good because there is a recession here on the real estate market.

I have applied for grants for repairs and will tough it out, unless something more dramatic will happen.

The problems this house has are so many, I cannot even begin to describe them. LOL Luckily most of them are manegeable, but the door is stuck, the veranda is sinking, a window needs to be replaced, the electric died in one room... and so on.

Hopefully I´ll get a grant. If not, I go to plan B.

Love and light,

ksos

OMG! Lilya!!!!!!

I just came back a few days ago and I was looking for you---it has been 5 years since I last was here and there is just so much that has been so going on. I didn't see any posts from you, darling, and I read here that you were not here for a spell. For sure, you were the closest friend I had on these boards back in 2003 when you gave me so much caring and support about my relationship with my wife (I am now divorced for 4 years), so much support about how to cope with my fears and anxiety, and sharing our mutual early childhood experiences....

I never told you how much you meant to me at that time, Lilya, nor how many times I thought about your feedback to me. Sadly, I have returned here for a different reason than before as I am heavily addicted to Methodone, Klonopin, and OTC drugs--but on a great note, I have begun my plan of withdrawal by admitting to my physicians that I was an addict and they have began detoxing me from the two drugs of abuse that have been killing me...

I heard that you disappeard recently. I hope you decide to stay= "just for today"!

God Bless You,

historyteach

Lylia;

Can you explain what Peck means when he says:
And what does he suggest as a result of that reality?

Thanks for any thoughts.

Shalom!

Lilya

Historyteach,

I started to write the answer to the question to you, but found an excellent answer on Wikipedia about the book The Road Less Traveled. Here you go:

"In The Road Less Traveled, Peck talked of the importance of discipline. He described four aspects of discipline:

* Delaying gratification: Sacrificing present comfort for future gains.
* Acceptance of responsibility: Accepting responsibility for one's own decisions.
* Dedication to truth: Honesty, both in word and deed.
* Balancing: Handling conflicting requirements. Scott Peck talks of an important skill to prioritize between different requirements -- bracketing.

Peck’s book begins with the profound truth that "Life is difficult!". We must attest to the fact that life was never meant to be easy, and that it is nothing but a battlefield of problems. We can either moan about them or solve them. It is here that the vital role of discipline assumes significance.

Peck defines discipline as the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. These tools are delaying gratification, assuming responsibility, dedication to the truth, and balancing. These are techniques of suffering, means by which we experience the pain of problems in such a way as to work through them and solve them successfully, learning and growing in the process. Most of us do not want to wrestle with our problems because of the pain involved. Yet, it is only in grappling with our problems that life has its meaning.

Delaying gratification is the process by which we learn to meet and experience pain first, and then enjoy pleasure. By doing so, we enhance the joy of pleasure. Most of us learn this activity by the age of five. For example, a six-year-old child will prefer eating the cake first and the frosting last. Children will rather finish their homework first, so that they can play later on. However, a sizable number of adolescents seem to lack this capacity. These problematic students are totally controlled by their impulses. Such youngsters indulge in drugs, get into frequent fights, and often find themselves in confrontation with authority.

Taking responsibility for our problems is perhaps the most difficult. Only by accepting the fact that we have problems can we solve them. An attitude of ‘It’s not my problem!’ will not take us anywhere.


I hope it answers your question.

((((Ksos))))

Welcome back! It´s so wonderful to see you again.

You also helped me back in 2003 when I thought life was going to beat me down - but I´m still here. Congratulation to you for facing your addiction and taking steps to deal with it. Now you are about to begin a new chapter in life, and I don´t doubt you will come through really well.

I´m sorry to hear about your divorce, but hopefully all this is represents a new beginning for you.

Sending you much love,

Love and light

ksos

Lilya...

I always find it amazing how you hit the nail on the head with either a very few words or by posting something that explains one's behavior. You, as well as HistoryTeach, seem to have this "gift" and I am so glad that both of you are still here, as supports and as fellow comrades that speak on the "commonalities" that we, as mental health consumers and or struggling addicts share.

My divorce was earth shattering to me--for my ex-wife soon took my daughter, then aged 12, out of New York and it took me 3 years to find out where my daughter was. The short version of the story is that my wife was having an affair during our marriage, got pregnant before our divorce was finalized, remarried one day after our divorce was finalized, and ran off to Tennessee where she gave birth to my daughter's half-sister.

I express this story as it relates to how Peck says:

Peck defines discipline as the basic set of tools we require to solve life’s problems. These tools are delaying gratification, assuming responsibility, dedication to the truth, and balancing. These are techniques of suffering, means by which we experience the pain of problems in such a way as to work through them and solve them successfully, learning and growing in the process. Most of us do not want to wrestle with our problems because of the pain involved. Yet, it is only in grappling with our problems that life has its meaning.

My difficulty in accepting my problems directly relates to my latest relapse--as all I wanted to do was to deny the pain associalted with the loss of my daughter, Sarah. Had I employed thise basic tools that Peck speaks to in terms of denying gratification, assuming responsibility, etc., I believe wholeheartedly that I would have avoided many of this issues that I am now facing.

In the same vein, I have eventually "embraced" the pain that my child didn't want to see me, and in the process, grew to learn that she didn't hate me, but needed time to "protect: her mother, baby sister, and perhaps, herself from what she experienced as a father who was unloving to her mother, was a workaholic, and simply was not involved with the family.

The truth hurts, as Peck points out. However, the meaning of life remained hidden from me until I was forced to cry and feel, and allow myself to experience the truth. And, even 4 years later it hurts. But I have hope now that I will reconnect with Sarah, that I will stop using drugs, and, finally show someone one day that I am capable of loving...

I am so happy that you said that this experiences I have endured, represent a new beginning in my life. Of more significance, was what you said about my helping you!

I was so scared when I came back here that you were nowhere to be found, since I remember your early life experiences--which would have led anyone to take off, somewhere...Yet, I forgot one thing.

While you had hard times, you were resilent and always were able to come back here and show your gratitude, despite what might have seemed to others to have been unsurrmountable, were just part of your life journey.

May the light always be there for you, no matter how dark things seem to be!

My Love will always be there for you, my friend from France

Lilya

Ksos,

Thanks for what you said. I was touched to read it.

I´m very sorry about the divorce and your wife taking your daughter away from you. However, you have found the tools to rebuild your life and I am sure that you will reunite with your daughter and be healed.

No wonder you have felt shattered by this experience. I hope it helps to tell you that once I was about to marry the love of my life and he disappeared few weeks before the wedding, left me with the wedding dress, a church, all the guests and loads of paperwork to deal with. I can laugh about it now, and like Molière says (I think, I´m not sure) there is always something funny about misfortune that should not be underestimated. I find it applies to me.

When I look back, it´s like looking at an old movie. I don´t recognize the young girl who was abandoned now. She is gone and has left me with the experience.

Back to my anxiety and debt: I ´ve had a lot of adversity last year and the beginning of this year. It made me want to drink and do drugs, but when I feel like this, I spend. I find it the less of two evils. Now I have to deal with my spending debts and like with all healing, expressing it is the first step.

I took all my debts, wrote them down and calculated them. Then I went to a financial adviser and laid everything on the table. The debts, the housing repairs estimation and bills and asked her if she could find a solution.

She came back with two or three options and now I need to "digest" what she said. One of the advice is selling stocks and bonds to pay for the debts. I decided to see another financial adviser to get a second opinion.

I also made a plan about taking on more projects and for one of them I can apply for a grant. I am also applying for a grant for the house.

I think it´s best to take it one step at a time. Life is difficult, but there are problems that can be considered as projects. I like to look at it that way for now. It takes away my anxiety if I think about it like that.

Hope you are all feeling good today.

Love and light,

ksos

Lilya...

I did something last night--probably something I should not have done, since I got somewhat sad, but I went back to the archives of the "old" posts, and read many of "our" communications, and I regretted not staying consistent with SR and I left everyone based on my then estranged wife creating a fake screen name and logging on to SR only to exploit me even more.

So, instead of confronting this on the board, I ran away from here, giving up your ongoing support, not to mention the support of others who may or may not still be here. I always was worried about you, but knew that you had been through so much--yet, it wasn't fair, especially with the enormity of support you always gave me.

I saw in one of our many diologues when I was still actually married, how different my life was then. One, I was still married, still had my daughter in my life, still lived in my nice big house, and actually was sober, at least in terms of drugs. I even had my dogs, who, sadly, passed.

You were always so steady in your feedback and even, at one time, mentioned that I ought to prepare myself for the worse case scenario. I failed to do so, but I think it was important that I did go through it.

I remember so vividly how your fiance left you--and thought to myself, "How the hell did she deal with that?" I never said that to you, but I could not imagine that happening to me, since I was to trusting of my partner, and people in general. I read more and more of your posts, and saw so many similarities in our nutty childhoods, our so called caretakers, our relationships, our love addictions (Forgive my wording) and how despite living in two different worlds literally and in reality, just how close two life experience could have been.

Now, I am back to the present and I am so proud of how you are now handling the financial difficulties which, in the past, used to knock you out, honey. I remember them, and felt your pain, but now, I marvel at how you are "compartmentalizing" them as "projects" that are certainly able to be looked at as "Manageable". You have truly "worked it" Lilya, and I see how much personal growth you have gained. My guess is that you stayed with these things, and truly listened. When I read this in your last post, I just smiled and said to myself that she is getting it!:

I think it´s best to take it one step at a time. Life is difficult, but there are problems that can be considered as projects. I like to look at it that way for now. It takes away my anxiety if I think about it like that.


WoW! That is definitely how I must look at my new life now. Not as a horror, but as a series of projects...I am really happy to see this way being a workable and healthy strategy. I have my work cut out for me, but I need to do it this way.

By planning, and utilizing others to stratagize, you are only going to get better!
:ghug3

Lilya

Ksos,

Thanks for what you wrote. It means a lot to me. I feel very tired today and didn´t sleep well because I´m working on my debt situation.

When you said you had read our old correspondance, I did the same, because the idea is good; we should learn from the past - but I stopped. I just couldn´t go on reading them right now. The reason is simple: I know I have progressed somewhat, but there are very difficult problems I have neglected to work on and been in total denial about it.

First and foremost: My debts. They are a bigger problem than I had anticipated and they continue to cripple me. I have a feeling my life would change even more for the better if I could just totally liberate myself from them.

Over the years I have gone to the bank to ask for loans - without really taking everything into an account - but now I have to do it really honestly. I felt so ashamed I called a hotline and got a name of a different finanical adviser who might have a different approach then the woman I saw. I don´t like the idea of selling all my stocks and bonds, but I´m committed to have this other person go over it to give me a second opinion.

Why is it so hard to give up a habit that makes us sick? I need to take out my tax returns and it seems so hard.

But I will look at this as a project. Ksos, I think life is made up of cycles. I also had a husband, two houses, a different pet and a stepson. Now I´m living in a different cycle. In it I hope to free myself of bad habits. I just need the energy to proceed. I feel the need to stall. I want to forget, go to a dinner party and play a different part.

In this or your next life cycle, Ksos, you will be building up a new life with a woman you love and reuniting with your daughter. It´s truly worth it.

Love and light,

Lilya

I did it. I took out the tax returns and have started working on them.

This is the magic of how the program works. It gives you energy to do the things you need for your recovery. At least it is my experience.

There are so many things I want to be able to do instead of worrying over debt. I´m not going for a dinner party this evening, just staying here quietly and working on things.

Love and light,

ksos

Lilya!

Good for you! It is amazing how the program works and your last 2 posts just highlighted that for me! That is how it works for me as well. If I do not go to a meeting, or even more importantly (in a way) a job interview, I feel like garbage, but I also know that tomorrow is another day.

Sometimes you need that time for yourself, my dear. You can dance the night away at another dinner party tomorrow. Enjoy the quiet

PS: I also had to stop reading the "old" posts, Lilya. Sometimes it gets a bit heavy. I know what you mean.

Lilya

I´ve been away for some time because I had to deal with my finances. It has been hellish and is not over yet.

My shrink told me to observe and write down how I felt while I was dealing with it. I hope my findings may help some of you who read this and suffer from panic attacks.

To make a long story short, I bought a house last year. It turned out it needed so much repairs, it almost finished me. The seller was dishonest and my lawyer is still working on the case.

I also got less salary because of the recession and am waiting for two projects I was offered - then put on hold.

After feeling really lousy I went to the bank and told them everything. I also told them how much I owe in credit card debts and asked them if they could help me. I could not in any ways make ends meet for the next months.

The loan officer suggested I booked an appointment with a financial adviser to find the best way of getting a loan with less interests with the goal in mind to start paying off the debts fast. I got an appointment in the last week of June.

In the meantime, she offered to increase my overdraft for the next three months or until I have been with the financial adviser. She had to speak to her boss about it and I had to wait for four days for the answer. It finally came through and I can breathe.

These four days turned out to be so difficult I thought I was going crazy. I had all the physical symptoms of high anxiety and my thoughts about my financial situations became compulsive and obsessive.

I had to take it one hour at a time. At times I could not work and not even go to the gym. I have started going there again and have added more activities to it, such as power walking and swimming.

I feel my financial situation will be solved quite soon and it´s a tremendous relief. It´s always the best thing to put all the cards on the table and talk to the bank and ask them what they think is the best way.

I have also found out that anxiety makes me obsessive. I have difficulties waiting for answers and I tend to see the worst possible scenario as outcome. I have a lot to report to my shrink when I see her this week.

Love and light,

scarlati

Hey, Lilya;

It's been 4 months and no update. I sent you a PM, but I think I'm probably not the only one who would like to know how you've been and how this situation has worked out over the last several months. So if you're around, can you give us an update?

Best Wishes,
Scarlati.

2stop

((((((((((((Lilya))))))))))))))

I so feel for you.
We also are dealing with huge financial difficulties and the stress of it is immense........and feels so HEAVY.....

Sending Love and Light and lots of positive energy your way.I am reading a book by Ariane de Bonvoisin called The First 30 Days Your Guide to any Change(and loving your life). It offers some great advice and thoughts on overwhelming changes and situations.

After Divine Chaos, always comes Divine Grace. ~Desiree Marin