hopeangel

the one thing that makes me sad. i was going through my paperwork yesterday and found old letters and cards from ah. in these letters, he was remorseful and apologizing for hurting me (this started 8 years ago) and telling me how much he loved me and how he would try and be a better person and how he wanted a future with me, how he wanted kids and a family with me and .

that person is now gone. that soul is lost. there is absolutely nothing in his eyes.

this is what makes me cry right now. i mourn that person and can't get him back, i can't talk to him, i can't reason with him, i can't get him to fight his way back. i can't even find him.

this is the part that hurts!!! i'm probably better off putting these things away and not looking back right?

Barbara52

{hugs}

It is so very painful to look at the loss of the sould as you put it. I feel such sadness as I look at how AH is so deep in denial and so out of touch with reality.

I do wonder if reading those old letters and cards are helpful to you. What will you get out of it except for more pain? If it helps you, read them but if it only causes pain, why do it?

hopeangel

yep barb, i just need to close the box.

Barbara52

{hugs} Closing the box is a great metaphor so much much of what we go through, don't you think?

mamamirabelle

Thats amazing I had just been looking through cards my husband sent me and had exactly the same thoughts,Im actually going to have a clear out as the person who sent and meant them no longer exists and sadly never will again its like I got them from someone else.I showed my kids them(Well the clean ones) to show them that their Dad wasnt always an uncaring drunk.They think Im just a sap making excuses for him.I think thats what kept me here so long the memory of what he was like,but I have to accept thats all it is a memory and hope.He doesnt give a toss about anything I did for him but being a woosy loyal women Ive clung right on in there.Of course if your financially dependant on someone it makes it even harder and that goes for anyone not just parteners of alcoholics

DetachMe9

Barbara had a post along these lines a few weeks back. This is by far the biggest piece of grief in the whole mess for me. The complete acknowledgement that the sober, "old" version of AH is never coming back is the final frontier for me. Just unbeliveably sad.

Despite the fact that our divorce is almost final and he'll be moving out soon, I can still honestly say I'm still holding out hope. I've got mountains of notes/letters/cards from the past 11 years and I'm not anywhere near letting them go. Not yet.

AH said the other day we'd probably get married again someday, once I saw that he really means it (staying sober) this time. I blew him off, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping this could happen. But, as I said before, I'm not going to buy that fantasy again before I see it happening in real life (for at least a year). Otherwise, it's just enabling and flipping the "start" button again on the roller-coaster. Sigh.

carolineb

It is absolutely heartbreaking and devastating to lose someone you love to the disease of alcoholism. You want so badly to get back the person you know exists....but they are lost.....just consumed in protecting/denying their addiction. I vascillate everyday between missing the person that I loved and then being thankful that I escaped a lifetime of heartache. It's hard.

Get rid of the box of memories or put in somewhere that is difficult to access. It's about self-preservation.

hopeangel

"Get rid of the box of memories or put in somewhere that is difficult to access. It's about self-preservation."

caroline that about says it all doesn't it

detach, i feel a lot like you! (((hugs hon)))

denny57

I got rid of what I wanted and kept what I wanted. Doesn't mean I'm attached, means those are mementos I chose to keep. Among them is a series of cartoons AH did based on my last name. They are hysterical and I'm keeping them. When I see them, they make me smile. It also helps to remind me he is not a monster, but a sick man.

I'm off to enjoy the beautiful sunshiney day we're having here in L.A. Tomorrow Minnie arrives for a visit, which I'm very much looking forward to.

Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday.

weetwo

I have boxes of letters in the attic. Two years, every day and all filled with promise and hope. Right now i would burn them. Set a huge blazing fire for all the world to see. Unfortunately we are in a burn ban. Knowing me i won't remember to take them with me which is good. I can't look at them, every now and then I will come across one that I didn't file away and it only makes me sad for what could have been. It's good to know I am not the only one. It's good to know there is life after this.

RosieM

I tossed it all. Not sorry either.

carolineb

I burned mine on the grill. All of it....pictures, cards, letters, book of poems....burn baby burn. Gotta keep moving forward and this stuff kept me stuck.

hopeangel

thank you all once again for keeping me strong. you know what i got from this? that it's okay to protect (guard)yourself, thats it okay to look out for yourself and your wellbeing first-number one. if that means refusing to look at the past or think about the if only's, what if's, and good times , if that means closing a box that you know will serve no purpose but to hurt you and keep you stuck that's okay too.

i have the choice to torture myself and i have the choice to refuse to do that!!!

best

A metaphor that doesn't need be a reality.
Happy memories are a good thing and wiith time you will welcome a look down memory lane that is found in the box.
Till you find some healing and work through some of the grief...yes putting the box out of reach can be a good idea.

One thing about a lost soul... a person can only go one direction from there...Up or they can continue as is.
In your prayers hold on to the hopes of what can come tomorrow as we would all want to see recovery for him no matter what the future of the two of you shall be.

hopeangel

thanks best, my head and heart are all over the place right now.

it hits in waves, right now i am feeling some doubt and some guilt.
what if i did this? am i doing the right thing? did i cause this? could i have prevented it? ugh, another part that hurts.

best

You didn't do it.
You are doing the best you know how. As we learn more we do it even better.
Learning is something we do daily, even if we don't see it happening.
You can't cause it. Just can't be done no matter how hard a person could try...they can't cause another to do anything they don't want to do.

If you ever figure out how it could be prevented... The whole world wants to know that answer because as of yet.... No one has been able to find that answer.

Doubt comes from carrying guilt around that doesn't belong to us.
His issues...why are you carrying his guilt around?

hopeangel

yeah, i guess if no one else has found a cure yet maybe i'm expecting too much huh? thanks for that.

the guilt comes mainly from one place, that maybe if i had loved him more or allowed myself to love him more now that he wouldn't be so sick and hurting.

i stopped being intimate with him because i felt it was hurting me. it left me feeling vulnerable and used when he continued to drink. it kept me emotionally tied to him and on the rollarcoaster. i can't help but think that that has caused the end of our relationship.

however, he knows he has a choice between me and drinking and he continues to drink so...

lexusgirl

I feel the same way regarding intimacy. I feel hurt, used, and it just feels all wrong. I very much feel like my abf has decided upon the end result in our relationship.

I will always stand behind this as the reason why we went our seperate ways. (if and when we do) He sent me an email today, saying he didn't know where it all went wrong. Ha!! When he decided to drink again DUH!!

LaTeeDa

Well, there's an easy way to stop wondering. Start having sex with him and see if it saves the relationship. I think you already know the answer...........

L

FormerDoormat

I wouldn't be so quick to toss everything out. People change and come in and out of my life; nothing stays the same. Not even me. I've grown and changed, too, and not always for the better.

Relationships don't always last a lifetime but memories do. I have a drawer filled with photos and cards and notes that Richard gave me over the years. The emotions he shared were real and heartfelt and sincere.

In many ways, he was a dream come true for me. He was patient and kind. He accepted my daughter as his own. He shared my love for animals. He overlooked my flaws and never once made a comment about my weight. I think my exterior packaging meant nothing to him. He just liked me for who I was.

Richard is gone now and my anger over his drinking problem and the loss of my dream has gradually diminished over the years. It has been replaced by memories of the love we once shared. Nothing can take that away from me--not even death.

I'm glad I didn't destroy those things in a fit of rage or I wouldn't have them to reflect upon today. I don't look at them often, but I come across them once and a while and they always make me smile.