One year ago today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
One year ago today
I was miserable. I had just relapsed after a good amount of clean time (clean, but not in recovery). The relapse only lasted about a week, but it was long enough to lose most of the things I'd worked hard to get, including my job.
I had forgotten, until the other day, what I was like at that time. I absolutely hated myself and was totally disgusted with me. I prayed "just get me through today without killing myself" for several days. What made me even madder was that, though I accepted that I was an addict, I refused to accept that I could never smoke crack again. I was angry about it, even though I had just proven that I couldn't "control" it.
I had heard to pray "please take the desire away" but I couldn't even do that, at first. I prayed to be "willing to lose the desire". It took much more time before I actually was willing to not want crack anymore (if that makes sense).
I'm not trying to brag about having a year clean. I certainly couldn't have done it without f2f friends and SR. I just wanted to give some hope to anyone who is having a hard time.
My life is far from perfect. I still struggle with financial and legal consequences from when I used. These days, however, I see them as reminders of why I don't want to go back. I think they also help me to appreciate things a lot more.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I had forgotten, until the other day, what I was like at that time. I absolutely hated myself and was totally disgusted with me. I prayed "just get me through today without killing myself" for several days. What made me even madder was that, though I accepted that I was an addict, I refused to accept that I could never smoke crack again. I was angry about it, even though I had just proven that I couldn't "control" it.
I had heard to pray "please take the desire away" but I couldn't even do that, at first. I prayed to be "willing to lose the desire". It took much more time before I actually was willing to not want crack anymore (if that makes sense).
I'm not trying to brag about having a year clean. I certainly couldn't have done it without f2f friends and SR. I just wanted to give some hope to anyone who is having a hard time.
My life is far from perfect. I still struggle with financial and legal consequences from when I used. These days, however, I see them as reminders of why I don't want to go back. I think they also help me to appreciate things a lot more.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Anywhere, US
Posts: 68
Impurrfect,
I am now going through what you were describing, it sucks!!! the lost job, the lost house, and all else that comes with this. hopefully, things will get better...right now, they don't seem to be.
I am now going through what you were describing, it sucks!!! the lost job, the lost house, and all else that comes with this. hopefully, things will get better...right now, they don't seem to be.
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
WAY TO GO AMY!
congratulations on 1 year
congratulations on 1 year
Whenever I see that you have posted on here, I make sure I read it. You have always shared so freely your thoughts, feelings, hopes & dreams as well as your anxiety & fear. That's what makes you so very special.
God Bless & Thank God . . . Just for Today,
Love ya,
Judy
6
Love ya,
Judy
6Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks everyone!
PG1968 - it does get better. I had to remember to be grateful for every little thing at first and focus on the fact that I was still alive and breathing, and that meant I had a chance to improve my situation. As a friend here said, "stay clean and put one foot in front of the other".
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
PG1968 - it does get better. I had to remember to be grateful for every little thing at first and focus on the fact that I was still alive and breathing, and that meant I had a chance to improve my situation. As a friend here said, "stay clean and put one foot in front of the other".
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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