stuck in the details
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
stuck in the details
so, i've basically established that my emotional attachment to ah is gone. i have established that i don't have feelings for him anymore and there is nothing there.
so, what i'm struggling with is details, details, details.
we've discussed dissolution and living arrangements. he agreed to move out and make half the house payment. i informed him he would have to fix the kitchen he tore apart. i will not be responsible for that. he said he wouldn't move out until i serve him with papers though? but wants a dissolution. don't you have to agree on everything for a dissolution and does somebody have to be moved out before you can start it?
after cutting up my credit card (discussed in my other thread) he made the statement that i wouldn't make it here until summer because i won't be able to "take it" . he asked me if i found an apartment yet. i reminded him that he had agreed to move out.
i would like to just get this done asap. so, can i just go to my attorney and just put what i want in the papers, just to get things going and see if he agrees? i was thinking that ah and i would come to the agreements together, but it is really looking like he wants me to do it all.
he also said once i serve him the papers he would get his own attorney. so, it sounds like he will fight on everything. with the way he is acting now, i don't trust him with anything. i don't even know if i will be able to rely on him to make half the house payment if he does move out, which is scary cause i can't make it on my own. i told him what he is looking for then is a fight and that is a divorce, not dissolution, and that will take a lot more time and a lot more money.
i'm just trying to figure out what will be better for me, staying here, me being the one to get the apartment and leave him here and how to get through all the details. i think emotionally it would be a lot easier for me to stay here. don't know if it is the smartest thing though financially?
how do you get through all the details?
so, what i'm struggling with is details, details, details.
we've discussed dissolution and living arrangements. he agreed to move out and make half the house payment. i informed him he would have to fix the kitchen he tore apart. i will not be responsible for that. he said he wouldn't move out until i serve him with papers though? but wants a dissolution. don't you have to agree on everything for a dissolution and does somebody have to be moved out before you can start it?
after cutting up my credit card (discussed in my other thread) he made the statement that i wouldn't make it here until summer because i won't be able to "take it" . he asked me if i found an apartment yet. i reminded him that he had agreed to move out.
i would like to just get this done asap. so, can i just go to my attorney and just put what i want in the papers, just to get things going and see if he agrees? i was thinking that ah and i would come to the agreements together, but it is really looking like he wants me to do it all.
he also said once i serve him the papers he would get his own attorney. so, it sounds like he will fight on everything. with the way he is acting now, i don't trust him with anything. i don't even know if i will be able to rely on him to make half the house payment if he does move out, which is scary cause i can't make it on my own. i told him what he is looking for then is a fight and that is a divorce, not dissolution, and that will take a lot more time and a lot more money.
i'm just trying to figure out what will be better for me, staying here, me being the one to get the apartment and leave him here and how to get through all the details. i think emotionally it would be a lot easier for me to stay here. don't know if it is the smartest thing though financially?
how do you get through all the details?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I have no idea what a dissoloution is in OH. My first action would be to talk with an attorney and see what your options are. Then you can operate from a position of strength based on firm knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Ok. Sounds like what you can do in VA after a waiting period. The requirement her is a separation agreement that spells out the resolution of all issues. You can write one up yourself. There are all sort of legal web sites that give advice and help on state specific divorce. You might want to check those out. Of course talking to a real live attorney might be a good idea too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
AH and I have finally agreed on how everything will be divided. We're still living in the house together, as we both own it and he can't get his share of the equity until my refinancing of it is complete. Then he'll have the money to move out.
In the meantime, though our agreement is complete (we used one attorney, mine, to save money) we just wait out the legal timeclock until it's finalized. We'll be divorced (legally) and still living here together before the refi is done. That's just the way it worked out. Most people get divorced in the "standard" fashion i.e. someone moves out, both people get an attorney, etc. Depending on what you're home situation is like, though, you can really do divorce however you choose.
Also, even though we have all our stuff divided and agreed to (on paper), we've changed our minds over many things since it's been typed up and sent to the court for finalization. Atty says we don't have to change anything written if one person decides to take the grill vs. the smoker, or I want the framed wildlife print rather than the wicker chair. We just agree and take/do what we want on moving day, whenever the h*ll that is.
It's going to very difficult financially for me to be here in this house, trying to make the mortgage payment on my income alone. I figure I might make it at least a year before I have to either sell it myself, get a roommate, or hope some generous relative dies (not). But my decision to stay vs. be the one to get an apartment was pretty clear to me. Emotionally, I can only deal with so much loss at one time. Despite the fact that AH couldn't stay sober, had an affair last year, and then lost his job - - we've spent the last 11 years together. We have tons of wonderful memories, including building this house. I have a nice garden with lots of bulbs and perennials waiting to come up. Losing the marriage/family is overwhelming, but having to leave here would put me on an inpatient psych unit. I'd rather be broke than suicidal.
In the meantime, though our agreement is complete (we used one attorney, mine, to save money) we just wait out the legal timeclock until it's finalized. We'll be divorced (legally) and still living here together before the refi is done. That's just the way it worked out. Most people get divorced in the "standard" fashion i.e. someone moves out, both people get an attorney, etc. Depending on what you're home situation is like, though, you can really do divorce however you choose.
Also, even though we have all our stuff divided and agreed to (on paper), we've changed our minds over many things since it's been typed up and sent to the court for finalization. Atty says we don't have to change anything written if one person decides to take the grill vs. the smoker, or I want the framed wildlife print rather than the wicker chair. We just agree and take/do what we want on moving day, whenever the h*ll that is.
It's going to very difficult financially for me to be here in this house, trying to make the mortgage payment on my income alone. I figure I might make it at least a year before I have to either sell it myself, get a roommate, or hope some generous relative dies (not). But my decision to stay vs. be the one to get an apartment was pretty clear to me. Emotionally, I can only deal with so much loss at one time. Despite the fact that AH couldn't stay sober, had an affair last year, and then lost his job - - we've spent the last 11 years together. We have tons of wonderful memories, including building this house. I have a nice garden with lots of bulbs and perennials waiting to come up. Losing the marriage/family is overwhelming, but having to leave here would put me on an inpatient psych unit. I'd rather be broke than suicidal.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I get through the details by not taking on every single one at once. I don't have that much control over life. I get stuck on details when I try to figure out each and every one all at once.
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
Hi Hope,
I think talking to an attorney will alleviate a lot of your doubts. They will be able to put it in better persepective and help you iron out all the details. I'm sure you can make an appt. for little or no money.
In the meantime take care of yourself
I think talking to an attorney will alleviate a lot of your doubts. They will be able to put it in better persepective and help you iron out all the details. I'm sure you can make an appt. for little or no money.
In the meantime take care of yourself
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Never Never land
Posts: 11
Wow, I can't even imagine trying to keep the house. He'd never leave anyway. It sounds like right now we are in different situations in that I am the one leaving and right now we can still talk in small doses about what needs to be done. I haven't mentioned divorce to him yet though I feel that is where the "break" I am asking for is headed.
First of all get a lawyer if you want to keep your house. I've been in real estate for a long time but please do not misconstrue what I am about to say as legal advice. Are you in a community property or equitable title state? Depending on this you should do your research. There is a huge difference. Community property states consider all property attained after marriage is to be splt fifty fifty unless it is a gift or inheritance. You split the house in other words.
In a state where equitable title is law is a whole different bag of chips. Who gets the house depends on who "contributed" most, hence the use "equitable" It is not my strong suit but I do have some reference books pertaining to my state regarding equitable title and access to other states.
I am going to test my wings which I think are much stronger than I have given them credit for in a month. I set my date and I'm sticking to it. We can let the details overcome us or we can get out there and fly. If I can do this anyone can. Just think about what you can have for yourself. Your wings are much stronger than you think.
First of all get a lawyer if you want to keep your house. I've been in real estate for a long time but please do not misconstrue what I am about to say as legal advice. Are you in a community property or equitable title state? Depending on this you should do your research. There is a huge difference. Community property states consider all property attained after marriage is to be splt fifty fifty unless it is a gift or inheritance. You split the house in other words.
In a state where equitable title is law is a whole different bag of chips. Who gets the house depends on who "contributed" most, hence the use "equitable" It is not my strong suit but I do have some reference books pertaining to my state regarding equitable title and access to other states.
I am going to test my wings which I think are much stronger than I have given them credit for in a month. I set my date and I'm sticking to it. We can let the details overcome us or we can get out there and fly. If I can do this anyone can. Just think about what you can have for yourself. Your wings are much stronger than you think.
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