Going to court on Monday..nervous..HELP!
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Going to court on Monday..nervous..HELP!
Sorry this is long......I haven't posted for awhile but I do check in and read most every day. I have been so incredibly busy trying to fix up two homes and pack up 23 years worth of living, but I love you guys!
Well, I'm heading into court on Monday morning. It's been a little over a year since I filed and since he moved out.....with the help of the local sheriff's office. I tried to do this in mediation-once-and quickly learned what a waste of time that is. State mandates that it is tried once, though.
Issues in question include making the parenting plan permanent (he has very little supervised visitation and was ordered into therapy for even that), back child support (he has paid me 1575.00 in twelve months), payment of debts (yes I used the credit cards because he wasn't paying support but I have receipts for everything), and division of household goods (he basically wants it all).
I did come away with several signed orders from mediation, most of which were his ideas (done, I believe, as attempts to manipulate me which did not have the desired effect) and which now he is trying to 'undo'. Mainly this concerns the sale of our home, which he consistantly said he wanted (because, after all, it is HIS and HE built it and HE should get to keep it regardless of the 26-year marriage that produced three children.....). So, I gave it up in mediation, having decided it wasn't worth the fight even though our youngest child is only eleven. The mediator looked at the appraisal, the mortgage, did the math and came up with the equity, and presented my exh with the dollar amount he would have to pay me to keep it. He said "sell it" and signed the paper to do just that.
I have worked myself to the point of exhaustion in the last 6 weeks painting and fixing up this 2800 sq ft home, and the 4.58 acre lot, to list it; to try to get the very best price we can for it. There were TONS of little things he had left undone over the years. He was famous for starting projects that he never finished. I did every square inch of the painting by myself, my sons did what they could, and I hired a contractor to fix the things we did not know how to fix. He, of course, doesn't want to help pay these expenses because he 'could do all that' himself. Oh, and he would have bought it 'as is' (for less than half of my portion of the equity amount).
He purchased a 2007 Camry and a 2007 Tundra at a combined cost of almost 55K during the past year. Both are paid for. He is living with mama so he has virtually no bills, is operating a business without a license and without reporting income to the IRS (because, of course, if he reports his actual income then the child support that is based on 'imputed income' would no doubt go up). He claims to have earned a whopping 3252.00 since the seperation.
I have not asked for a dime of spousal support, just child support for the eleven year old. We have one son who is a sophomore in college that he is not legally required to do anything at all for, which stinks!
I found out yesterday that he is going to assert that some money I took out of our safe deposit box in July of 2006 should be credited as back child support (we did not seperate until March of 2007). There was 18000.00 in the box. I took 9000.00, exactly half. He is trying to say that he should get credit for 4500.00 towards the child support.
I have an excellent lawyer who is familiar with addiction, and I have piles of documentation regarding the financial matters that are yet to be resolved and are the reason for the court date. My two adult sons are going with me as witnesses to the abuse, drugs, and insanity of their dad because of course he is denying all of it.
All in all, I have a very strong case. He has little or no documentation for any of his positions. He thinks that just because he says something-that it is true and the court will see it that way.
So why am I having panic attacks at the mere thought of sitting in a courtroom with him? Are the documents that were agreed upon in mediation, and subsequently filed to the court and signed by the judge, subject to change now? Do courts tend to look at documentation vs no documentation when making decisions?
Any encouragement is appreciated....
Well, I'm heading into court on Monday morning. It's been a little over a year since I filed and since he moved out.....with the help of the local sheriff's office. I tried to do this in mediation-once-and quickly learned what a waste of time that is. State mandates that it is tried once, though.
Issues in question include making the parenting plan permanent (he has very little supervised visitation and was ordered into therapy for even that), back child support (he has paid me 1575.00 in twelve months), payment of debts (yes I used the credit cards because he wasn't paying support but I have receipts for everything), and division of household goods (he basically wants it all).
I did come away with several signed orders from mediation, most of which were his ideas (done, I believe, as attempts to manipulate me which did not have the desired effect) and which now he is trying to 'undo'. Mainly this concerns the sale of our home, which he consistantly said he wanted (because, after all, it is HIS and HE built it and HE should get to keep it regardless of the 26-year marriage that produced three children.....). So, I gave it up in mediation, having decided it wasn't worth the fight even though our youngest child is only eleven. The mediator looked at the appraisal, the mortgage, did the math and came up with the equity, and presented my exh with the dollar amount he would have to pay me to keep it. He said "sell it" and signed the paper to do just that.
I have worked myself to the point of exhaustion in the last 6 weeks painting and fixing up this 2800 sq ft home, and the 4.58 acre lot, to list it; to try to get the very best price we can for it. There were TONS of little things he had left undone over the years. He was famous for starting projects that he never finished. I did every square inch of the painting by myself, my sons did what they could, and I hired a contractor to fix the things we did not know how to fix. He, of course, doesn't want to help pay these expenses because he 'could do all that' himself. Oh, and he would have bought it 'as is' (for less than half of my portion of the equity amount).
He purchased a 2007 Camry and a 2007 Tundra at a combined cost of almost 55K during the past year. Both are paid for. He is living with mama so he has virtually no bills, is operating a business without a license and without reporting income to the IRS (because, of course, if he reports his actual income then the child support that is based on 'imputed income' would no doubt go up). He claims to have earned a whopping 3252.00 since the seperation.
I have not asked for a dime of spousal support, just child support for the eleven year old. We have one son who is a sophomore in college that he is not legally required to do anything at all for, which stinks!
I found out yesterday that he is going to assert that some money I took out of our safe deposit box in July of 2006 should be credited as back child support (we did not seperate until March of 2007). There was 18000.00 in the box. I took 9000.00, exactly half. He is trying to say that he should get credit for 4500.00 towards the child support.
I have an excellent lawyer who is familiar with addiction, and I have piles of documentation regarding the financial matters that are yet to be resolved and are the reason for the court date. My two adult sons are going with me as witnesses to the abuse, drugs, and insanity of their dad because of course he is denying all of it.
All in all, I have a very strong case. He has little or no documentation for any of his positions. He thinks that just because he says something-that it is true and the court will see it that way.
So why am I having panic attacks at the mere thought of sitting in a courtroom with him? Are the documents that were agreed upon in mediation, and subsequently filed to the court and signed by the judge, subject to change now? Do courts tend to look at documentation vs no documentation when making decisions?
Any encouragement is appreciated....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
((( Jen )))
Take a few deep breaths, give it up to your higher power, and enjoy your weekend. I've spent a lot of time in court over stupid stuff (mostly between my 2nd husband and his ex wife) and there isn't any rhyme nor reason as to how things go.
It sounds to me like you have all your ducks in a row and that everything SHOULD work out in your favor. Just keep your eye on the goal - a stress free,drama free life filled with love and serenity, and let it all unfold. IF you can let go of (most) expectations and trust that your HP has your best interests in mind, then you can have some peace. It might not turn out the way you originally hoped/planned it would, but as I've learned~ the things my HP has in store for me are WAY better than anything I could have planned for myself.
Sorry, rambling a bit here. I wish you all the best in court. We'll all be there with you ~ make sure there are plenty of chairs.
Hugs
Cats
Take a few deep breaths, give it up to your higher power, and enjoy your weekend. I've spent a lot of time in court over stupid stuff (mostly between my 2nd husband and his ex wife) and there isn't any rhyme nor reason as to how things go.
It sounds to me like you have all your ducks in a row and that everything SHOULD work out in your favor. Just keep your eye on the goal - a stress free,drama free life filled with love and serenity, and let it all unfold. IF you can let go of (most) expectations and trust that your HP has your best interests in mind, then you can have some peace. It might not turn out the way you originally hoped/planned it would, but as I've learned~ the things my HP has in store for me are WAY better than anything I could have planned for myself.
Sorry, rambling a bit here. I wish you all the best in court. We'll all be there with you ~ make sure there are plenty of chairs.
Hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Good luck to you! I don't have kids, and I'm hoping to avoid court, but I'm in the same boat as you in many ways. Mine too thinks just because he says or wishes something it automatically replaces reality! He too is looking into buying a new truck, has bought tons of new clothes, a new schwanky bicycle, etc. Must be nice. We don't have kids or credit cards in common - whew! He's going to see the appraisal price of our house this next week, I can't wait to see what happens!
It's hard not to be nervous, they're so good at sounding sane, reasonable and rational that the idea of going into the legal system with my STBex too without a big "ADDICT THINKING" stamped on his forehead is terrifying. I'm not good at constantly battling and manipulating - not like that! But, you will be fine, sounds like your attorney is ready, and I think that should really do you! I wish you all the best on Monday a.m. and will be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes!
((((hugs))))
It's hard not to be nervous, they're so good at sounding sane, reasonable and rational that the idea of going into the legal system with my STBex too without a big "ADDICT THINKING" stamped on his forehead is terrifying. I'm not good at constantly battling and manipulating - not like that! But, you will be fine, sounds like your attorney is ready, and I think that should really do you! I wish you all the best on Monday a.m. and will be thinking of you. Let us know how it goes!
((((hugs))))
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Jen, I couldn't say it better than Cat and Codeine Wife. This is a very stressful time and I can certainly understand the apprehension and anxiety. And even though you have been separated and you are moving on with your life, what happens Monday will close a chapter in your life...the end of a marriage; the end of that particular dream of a happily ever after. So I think there is probably some grief mixed in with all your other feelings.
But I know you have a strong sense of God in your life and I know you know that this is all in his hands. You have controlled what you can control, taken care of yourself and your kids, and continuously done the next right thing. So however it turns out, it will be just as God planned it.
Yes we will be with you on Monday and without a doubt, your HP will be too. Close your eyes, picture his serene presence in your life, and know he has it all under control.
Sending hugs, love and wishes for a peaceful weekend. Please keep us updated; I will be thinking of you and sending prayers.
But I know you have a strong sense of God in your life and I know you know that this is all in his hands. You have controlled what you can control, taken care of yourself and your kids, and continuously done the next right thing. So however it turns out, it will be just as God planned it.
Yes we will be with you on Monday and without a doubt, your HP will be too. Close your eyes, picture his serene presence in your life, and know he has it all under control.
Sending hugs, love and wishes for a peaceful weekend. Please keep us updated; I will be thinking of you and sending prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jen,
Why are you nervous? Well, if it were me, I'd be nervous because I wouldn't be able to think of a way NOT to whack him in the head with a bow rake in court, because he's a horrible, dishonest, manipulative waste of perfectly good skin.
That was an unsolicited comment, and I take it all back. Sorry. Anger issues
I wouldn't worry about WHY you're nervous, Jen, and I wouldn't waste a lot of energy trying to muffle your nervousness.... I think it's perfectly (unfortunately) natural, as happysoul says. This is something you're just going to have to struggle through, trust your attorney to get everything you're due, and fall on your knees in gratitude that you're out of that marriage, when it's all over. Try to eat well and right, get good sleep, take lots of B vitamins ('the stress vitamin'), breathe deeply, and get over this hill to the other side as best you can.
And then you can sing, "Free at last, free at last, thank gawd almighty I'm free at last."
We'll sing it with you.
GL
Why are you nervous? Well, if it were me, I'd be nervous because I wouldn't be able to think of a way NOT to whack him in the head with a bow rake in court, because he's a horrible, dishonest, manipulative waste of perfectly good skin.
That was an unsolicited comment, and I take it all back. Sorry. Anger issues
I wouldn't worry about WHY you're nervous, Jen, and I wouldn't waste a lot of energy trying to muffle your nervousness.... I think it's perfectly (unfortunately) natural, as happysoul says. This is something you're just going to have to struggle through, trust your attorney to get everything you're due, and fall on your knees in gratitude that you're out of that marriage, when it's all over. Try to eat well and right, get good sleep, take lots of B vitamins ('the stress vitamin'), breathe deeply, and get over this hill to the other side as best you can.
And then you can sing, "Free at last, free at last, thank gawd almighty I'm free at last."
We'll sing it with you.
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wow..sounds like you really HAVE been busy, my dear.
My thoughts and prayers will be with you on Monday. It sounds like you have a competent attorney. It sounds like she is prepared. Try to let go of all the anxiety and worry and let her deal with his manipulations and drama...thats what she's there for. I'm glad you'll have the emotional support of your kids.
When I divorced my exah, there wasn't any money to fight about...not really, anyway...most of it had been lost to addiction by the time I gathered up the courage to file for divorce and actually go thruwith it. Even still, it was a very stressful day (and I spend my life in courtrooms but its different when its YOUR life on the line).
MOnday might be tough. It might be very emotional. I remember thinking for a long time that the heavens would open up on divorce day and my future would loom brightly on the horizon. As it turns out, it was just a painful, sad day. I wasn't prepared for it. I came home that night and fell to my knees in prayer and asked God to just guide me...one day...one step...at a time. And he has.
Best of luck to you on MOnday, my dear. Its been a long journey getting to this point.
Love and support...
My thoughts and prayers will be with you on Monday. It sounds like you have a competent attorney. It sounds like she is prepared. Try to let go of all the anxiety and worry and let her deal with his manipulations and drama...thats what she's there for. I'm glad you'll have the emotional support of your kids.
When I divorced my exah, there wasn't any money to fight about...not really, anyway...most of it had been lost to addiction by the time I gathered up the courage to file for divorce and actually go thruwith it. Even still, it was a very stressful day (and I spend my life in courtrooms but its different when its YOUR life on the line).
MOnday might be tough. It might be very emotional. I remember thinking for a long time that the heavens would open up on divorce day and my future would loom brightly on the horizon. As it turns out, it was just a painful, sad day. I wasn't prepared for it. I came home that night and fell to my knees in prayer and asked God to just guide me...one day...one step...at a time. And he has.
Best of luck to you on MOnday, my dear. Its been a long journey getting to this point.
Love and support...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
I hope that you can take some time for yourself during the rest of this weekend to rest and recharge.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for all those details you are concerned about to be worked out in your favor -especially in regards to money issues and things to do with your dependent child.
I'll be thinking of you and praying for all those details you are concerned about to be worked out in your favor -especially in regards to money issues and things to do with your dependent child.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
I will pray for you also, Duet. I have read a few of your posts here and there, and you seem to know when to be a pillar of strength and when to take care and nurture yourself. You are surrounded by a loving extended family also, right? And I can tell that you have a lot of dear friends on this forum, so you must be a special gal. In the end, it will be all details that a year from now that you might not even remember. Find a mantra or song lyrics that you can repeat in your head if you have a panic moment tomorrow, one that takes your thoughts away from HIM and puts them back on you and your future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it sounds to me you have it all together. stop with the pantic attack, you are good to go girl. relax & take care of you. the rest will fall in place. i wish you luck & it is sure good to see you. hugs to you & let us know how it goes.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You have your health, your kids and the Rockin' C Ranch...anything else is just "stuff". Let your HP handle it all while you just relax and trust that it will all work out just fine.
And if you see a pair of bunny slippers a couple of rows over and up...you'll know that I'm there right where I can kick the judge with the steel toes if he makes any moves that are not in your favour. If you see him/her jolt upright...well, you'll KNOW.
Hugs
P.S. You are an amazing lady, hope you'll take some time just for you when this is all over.
And if you see a pair of bunny slippers a couple of rows over and up...you'll know that I'm there right where I can kick the judge with the steel toes if he makes any moves that are not in your favour. If you see him/her jolt upright...well, you'll KNOW.
Hugs
P.S. You are an amazing lady, hope you'll take some time just for you when this is all over.
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