Time
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 2,433
Time
So Time. With a capital letter. The ancient Greeks worshipped Chronos, the god of Time. The Romans called him Saturn; when someone was "depressed", they referred to that person as being Saturnine. Saturn is a lonely, cold, unforgiving sober planet. But he visits all of us at one point or another; according to some traditions he drops by regularly, every 28 years.
I've always had issues with Time. I remember being a very young kid and feeling awe when I discovered that 90 days means 3 months - a doctor had told my father to bring me back for a checkup in 90 days, and I had innocently assumed I was supposed to count each day that passed. When I turned 10, I vividly remember mourning being a decade old. And so on. I've always been scared of Time, and respected Him.
In sobriety, I'm feeling grief. Not guilt, no regrets, just grief. I am paying a very high price for not letting go. I'm not talking about letting go of alcohol, rather not letting go of the past. I've been told several times I'm morbidly attached to the past, and I'm working on it - though I know deep down that's probably one of my core challenges, those distilled issues that seem to follow one throughout a lifetime. I know now that one of the reasons I drank was a futile attempt to stop Time. And yes, it seemed to work back then. I realize now that all I accomplished instead was to stay stuck, frozen, while the world moved on. I can condense the past decade into two words: grieving drunk; but I'd need entire pages to describe these last two sober weeks.
Just wanted to share. I accept my sadness, I know it won't always be like this. Right now, though, I'm just sitting in Saturn.
Matt - are those dreams or are those prayers?
I've always had issues with Time. I remember being a very young kid and feeling awe when I discovered that 90 days means 3 months - a doctor had told my father to bring me back for a checkup in 90 days, and I had innocently assumed I was supposed to count each day that passed. When I turned 10, I vividly remember mourning being a decade old. And so on. I've always been scared of Time, and respected Him.
In sobriety, I'm feeling grief. Not guilt, no regrets, just grief. I am paying a very high price for not letting go. I'm not talking about letting go of alcohol, rather not letting go of the past. I've been told several times I'm morbidly attached to the past, and I'm working on it - though I know deep down that's probably one of my core challenges, those distilled issues that seem to follow one throughout a lifetime. I know now that one of the reasons I drank was a futile attempt to stop Time. And yes, it seemed to work back then. I realize now that all I accomplished instead was to stay stuck, frozen, while the world moved on. I can condense the past decade into two words: grieving drunk; but I'd need entire pages to describe these last two sober weeks.
Just wanted to share. I accept my sadness, I know it won't always be like this. Right now, though, I'm just sitting in Saturn.
Matt - are those dreams or are those prayers?
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Southern New Hampshire
Posts: 746
Time is a man made notion, there has been and always will be only one time and that is Now,
Grief and sadness seem to come with the territory. I worked the steps out of the Big Book and was able to get free of the same condition you speak of. Doing a 4th and 5th step were life changing events for me. I do hope you consider it.
Grief and sadness seem to come with the territory. I worked the steps out of the Big Book and was able to get free of the same condition you speak of. Doing a 4th and 5th step were life changing events for me. I do hope you consider it.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Hi Matt,
Earlt sobriety was most challenging for me...I can relate to grief...My feelings were so raw in emotional pain, I wasn't sure I could handle it...
Good news is these feelings do pass and actually make you stronger in heart and spirit...
Thinking of you...
Earlt sobriety was most challenging for me...I can relate to grief...My feelings were so raw in emotional pain, I wasn't sure I could handle it...
Good news is these feelings do pass and actually make you stronger in heart and spirit...
Thinking of you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 60
Hey matt,
Don't know what to say...thinking of you.
My horses teach me so much...they live in the moment so much and are so aware. When I am with them I am totally absorbed, totally alive. I pray that you will be able to live in the moment.
GG
Don't know what to say...thinking of you.
My horses teach me so much...they live in the moment so much and are so aware. When I am with them I am totally absorbed, totally alive. I pray that you will be able to live in the moment.
GG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 46
thanks matt, very well read and intelligent use to expressing yourself and how yoru feeling
it sounds rather healthy the way you have expressed where your at
according to the laws unseen in our universe there is no such thing as hours days months and years some believe that memories and relationships we have on earth are a part of the whole and where we are now is the beginnning to a new way of being
through the 12 steps is the doorway that helps build steps to gain spiritual awareness that doesn't involve logic nor reason
grief surpasses all reason and logic where one can settle in the changes of these phases more readily through some very difficult work in finding the God of our own understanding
it sounds rather healthy the way you have expressed where your at
according to the laws unseen in our universe there is no such thing as hours days months and years some believe that memories and relationships we have on earth are a part of the whole and where we are now is the beginnning to a new way of being
through the 12 steps is the doorway that helps build steps to gain spiritual awareness that doesn't involve logic nor reason
grief surpasses all reason and logic where one can settle in the changes of these phases more readily through some very difficult work in finding the God of our own understanding
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: WA, USA
Posts: 2,591
Being addicted to something definetly stunts your growth in many ways. And yes the world moves on around you while you are stuck there. Time now to join the world again Matt!! Great thread, it really made me think.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Thanks for the share, Matt. I can identify. I agree with Rob's suggestion to do a 4th and 5th Step. I've done more than one, and each one has helped me to cull out things that are not helpful to me.
Also, in time, I've been able to do some family-of-origin work to help me to let go of the past. It's a lot of work, and emotionally draining, but it is also freeing.
Some days I find it easier to live in the present, but some days I still struggle with letting go of the past. I'm working on it though.
Also, in time, I've been able to do some family-of-origin work to help me to let go of the past. It's a lot of work, and emotionally draining, but it is also freeing.
Some days I find it easier to live in the present, but some days I still struggle with letting go of the past. I'm working on it though.
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