Jenn7788

This is an email the my mother sent to me several days ago. I have taken out the names of family members. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't know if she is trying to apologize or if she is trying suck me in and make me feel guilty and sorry for her. I am angry that she thinks that I have abandoned her. I'm not sure what to do from here.

Jenn,

Hope you and your husband are doing ok. Your father says you’re having a bit of a hard time. I’m sorry that my self loathing and depression has affected you so much.
I wish I could make things right but I fear it’s too late for healing and forgiveness.
I have hurt and disappointed my own children! The shame and sadness for what I’ve done to everyone is so deep I don’t think I can ever be a part of your lives again. Not that that would be a bad thing. I obviously have made my own bed haven’t I? I never dreamed I would lose my kids no matter what happened in life but, I sure was wrong there.
All I have ever wanted was your dad to love me like he used to. The more I worried the deeper I fell into darkness.
Your dad is the most wonderful man in the world and has truly gone through a lot over the last year especially. Watching someone you once loved lose more and more of themselves each day. Not just the drugs, but the lack of any kind of motivation and want to even get up every day. EVERYDAY for months and months on end. To watch someone you once loved let they’re health fail and not care what happens to them. No wonder he couldn’t take anymore.
These things I know now.
We’ve never been away from each other for more than four days in the 29 years we’ve been together. The loneliness won’t go away. The sorrow so overwhelming I wail out loud for what I’ve let happen. When I get home from work I still check his parking spot to see if he’s home yet… and then I realize he isn’t coming home.
The girls drag me out and every time I end up leaving in tears, because I hear a song that reminds me of your dad, or see some couple holding hands lovingly. The impact of what I’ve done has hit hard and so it should.
I miss you so much Jenn.
It took everything I had to not call you or your brother when dad left. I texted Your brother when I read dads note, scared and pretty much hysterical and when he replied I knew I was disowned. I know I am not welcome in your hearts and I understand and have accepted that.
I started seeing a family councilor Thursday. I also went to a Narcotics Anonymous after that meeting. I broke down of course and let everything out to the councilor.
How I started doing SPEED first through S***. How S*** had hooked Uncle R** too a few years before but even worse as they were smoking it, and how upset it made me that dad didn’t respect me enough to even confront S**** or snub him. I told her how pathetic I had been the last year and didn’t blame dad for leaving. I told her that you and your brother didn’t want anything to do with me either, and I didn’t blame you kids for your decision. I took full responsibility for all my actions without batting an eye.
I’m sure you don’t care what she told me but I’m going to tell you two things that she did say anyway.
It’s wrong that my children have deserted me and only listened to one side of the story, and it’s wrong the way your dad has treated and handled things in a time in my life (in any woman’s life) when I am going through every nasty thing a woman will go through. That I have had no support from anyone and have been beaten down with abusive behavior by your dads drinking.
She tested me for depression the top score being 140 (highly suicidal) I scored 134. She even asked me if I had a plan how I would do it.
I tell you this so you know how much of an impact this has been on me. I am not suicidal no matter what she says, and I also told her how hurt I was my kids didn’t want anything to do with me but if anyone deserted anyone it was me.
Your dad is a bit of a different story. He’s hidden and lied to me about things, done inappropriate things that a married man shouldn’t do, and has shown very little interest in me intimately. He’s mean when he drinks and very hurtful. He listens to Uncle R**’s advice and we all know how R** feels about me. As a matter of fact Uncle R**’s advice will be the downfall of your dad and I ever reconciling, He’s been working on your dad to dump me for a long time trust me. I hate him for that.
I am attending Narcotics Anonymous every Thursday and although I’ve only been to one meeting all the people have taken me under wing and have over whelmed me with support. I couldn’t get up and talk about myself (what are the odds of that) When they asked me to. I just broke out sobbing and said I couldn’t right then. They moved on and a while later a guy started talking about his feelings (drug free for 9 years) and while expressing himself he looked over at me and got choked up. He said he felt so bad to see my agony and despair. Afterward he came over and hugged me and so did other people. Perfect strangers wrote they’re telephone numbers down and said to call anytime, day or night when I needed strength and support. First sign of hope and promise I’ve felt in probably 2 years.
I am the main reason things have turned out the way they have. Your dad just had enough. I want him to come home more than anything I’ve ever wanted but I know he can’t come home yet. I need to overcome more than drugs. I am starting on anti depressants to manage my dark side and trying to change my life style to get healthy and heal. I have suggested to your dad that if all goes well he come home by our anniversary. I have told him I will go for weekly/biweekly drug testing for as long as he wants me to. I don’t know what else I can do. I have begged for his forgiveness over and over for breaking his heart and hope someday he will.
I hope someday you and your brother (and of course J*** & S*****) but especially you two will find it in your hearts to forgive me too. Without you kids and dad has been the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through. The sadness and emptiness has been worse than losing grandma and grandpa was. I don’t want you to call or anything honey. I just don’t want you to worry about anything. Live your life with your husband and love him. More than anything else always respect each other and don’t let the little things turn into unhealthy thoughts and feelings. I did and it was a big part of losing everything that mattered to me.
I’m sorry I hurt you and your brother. I’m sorry about a lot of things.

Love mom

peaceteach

Jenn,
Sometimes taking no action is a positive action. You don't have to do anything, sweetie. Just let her do what she needs to do for her. I hear "guilt and manipulation" in her words also, by the way. Just an outsider's perspective. Step back and breathe, and take care of Jenn

kj21

That is a pretty emotional letter to read even when I don't know the parties involved. I am sure your mom is sorry but I also hear guilt and manipulation a bit in there. Don't do anything right now....think on it for a few days. Hugs to you!!

Growing

Is she still using?

Until your mom is serious about a recovery program...and actually begins working one...gets clean, ect...somewhere, I have heard around a year...you could get hopeful about the situation....as it stands right now...this is what I see...I feel the majority of this is manipulative...she is using her counselor and what this counselor "supposedly" said...to manipulate you. Until she gets clean...and works a program...either counseling alone...12step alone...or a combo of both...I would consider everything she says as a manipulation....the "quacking" of an addict/alcoholic.

Everyone has had it and are seperating themselves from her addiction and the chaos that it causes...she doesn't like it...and is throwing a world class temper tantrum...you have every right to protect yourself....gain some perspective and insight into your own life...heal....and in a years time of your mom staying clean....maybe you and her could build on something in counseling or whatever...don't let this throw you for a loop...I found it very passive-aggressive.

I pray that you will continue on your road to healing...you deserve it. Don't feel guilty for wanting to live your life seperate from this....I applaud you and your efforts to build a sane life....just consider what is happening the reasonable and logical cause and effect of your mothers addiction. She is experiencing the results of all she has done over all these years. Sadly, this is crucial to her turning this thing around...if she chooses to.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM! The best way you can help your mom is to move forward in peace and sanity.

Just my thoughts

hello-kitty

The first thing I thought was wow. That's a lot to digest. Definitely sleep on it before you decide to respond, then sleep on it some more, IF you decide that you even want to respond.

No immediate action required.

Cupicake

As an outsider I see a few things going on in her letter.

I hear her trying to make amends for things and trying to take ownership of things.
But then at the same time...not taking ownership for using the first time. We all have choices.
I hear manipulation...
I hear her venting....
I also hear her trying to impart some wisdom from her life experience...
But most of all I see her letter as a way of releasing her feelings. Is it appropriate to have included some of the things she's written...I don't know...maybe she should have kept some of it to a private journal or told her counselor or her sober contacts.

I don't see her doing anything different from what we do with a journal or posting here. We do it to let go of the feelings we find so hard to deal with on our own. Sometimes we need our addicts to hear these feelings too because we want them to know how much they've hurt us or what they've done to us. I guess you would have to think about what your intentions would be when, if ever you found the need for your mom to hear what she did or was doing to you and what you seek to gain from it. But all of this would be based on assumptions.

I think you should search yourself and think about what this letter made you feel and deal with it accordingly. If you feel it's a total manipulation then do as mama said and....

Miss Pink

I hear her having a pity party seeking guests to join her....

dont RSVP.

GiveLove

I hear a woman who is in (self-inflicted) pain trying to relieve her pain by manipulating you. I see a narcissistic, codependent person. It's hard to tell what else, because much of what she says may just be quacking. Actions speak louder than words.

I personally would not respond to this. Let her take her own journey. It sounds as though she is expecting you to respond, part of the manipulation. I particularly liked the line where she says her therapist has decided it's wrong for you to desert her in her hour of need, based on one side of the story. Like you've been deaf, dumb and blind to everything she's done, and have just based your actions on hearsay. Sigh. And the tearful description of the meeting....those perfect strangers (read between the lines) caring about me more than you guys!! How sad.

So me? I would not respond. It can do no good -- not for her, not for you. Her actions over the next days and weeks, when you do not respond as she wishes, will tell you whether there is a shred of sincerity in this note or not.

I WOULD write a response and let my feelings out....I just wouldn't send it to her. I'd burn it or hide it well.

Good luck, jenn. I have been through this with my sister and I know how miserable it is.

marle

Actions speak louder than words. It took her a long time to lose you, now let her do the work to get a relationship back with you and that won't happen overnight. You just continue to take care of you. You are not your mother's keeper. She is a big girl and time she started acting the part. Hugs, Marle

CatsPajamas

I agree with Marle, actions speak louder than words. If your mom is working a program of recovery, it will show in time. In the meantime, you might want to set some boundaries you can live with.


Hugs

Cats

frankly

((Jenn))

It must be very hard dealing with this. I can only imagine the conflicting emotions that you are feeling. Weather or not she is trying to manipulate or ask forgiveness or seeking your pity or understanding, even if she is trying to justify any part of her actions doesn't matter, what really matters is how and what you are feeling.

She is going to do what ever she decides she will do. But what do you really want to do? Do you want to respond? Do you want to ignore it? Do you want to forgive her? Do you want to yell at her? Throw out all the social aspect of what may be expected of you and really look deep and hard at what you want. Don't feel guilty or pressured. But look at this with your own interest first and formost.

If you feel conflicted, write it all out. Make a list of your feelings, what you would like to do, or not do. Write out why you feel those things, then sleep on it. Put it aside. Then when you are ready, read what you wrote. More times than not, your answers will become clear in your very own writings.

Hugs and Prayers
B

sweetpea40

Hi hon,
All I can say is that you know your mom better than anyone...Like someone else said sleep on it and I suggest pray about it...In the end, people do change...But don't jump right back into the frying pan, but keep an open mind.

Gosh, sweetie..I will pray for you all.

God Bless,
Machele

sleepygoat

to me this is pretty typical of an addict who is newly clean and trying to make amends. We aren't really supposed to tackle amends for a while - because in early recovery we don't know how to separate manipulation and blame from guilt and honest regret. she is doing the best she can with this. I here genuine regret for her actions and the pain she caused. But she is very early in the process. Of course there is also manipulation and self-pity.

I think she is in a lot of pain. it's great that she went to NA and felt welcome and accepted there. There is hope.