Boundaries for review. Comments, please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
Boundaries for review. Comments, please.
OK - Here is what I've come up with for my boundaries. Does this look ok? I would like to add something about not being drunk or high around the baby. Any ideas? I also need to figure out how the finances should be handled from this point forward. Right now I am paying all the bills. I am thinking I should ask him to contribute x amount of dollars/week toward rent/bills/groceries/baby. Then, if he spends all his money or quits his job, it will just be too bad for him - I will not give him any money. Should I say that if he can't make his weekly rent contribution he will have to find somewhere else to live? Is all of this too harsh?
. . . . .
I choose not to be disrespected. I will not allow anyone who chooses to disrespect me to be a part my life. The following is a list of behavior that is disrespectful. If you choose to behave in a manner that is disrespectful towards me, I will leave this relationship.
Disrespectful behaviors:
1) Yelling
2) Smashing things in anger
3) Driving dangerously with me in the car
4) Lying
5) Smoking (pot or cigarettes) inside the house
6) Smoking (pot or cigarettes) in MY car
I choose not to have drugs or drug-related activities around me or my child. If you choose to engage in drug-related activities or the use of drugs, then you will have to find somewhere else to live.
To be clear, if you choose to do any of the following, you will have to move out immediately.
1) Bring drugs in the house
2) Use drugs in the house
3) Sell drugs
4) Grow pot
. . . . .
I choose not to be disrespected. I will not allow anyone who chooses to disrespect me to be a part my life. The following is a list of behavior that is disrespectful. If you choose to behave in a manner that is disrespectful towards me, I will leave this relationship.
Disrespectful behaviors:
1) Yelling
2) Smashing things in anger
3) Driving dangerously with me in the car
4) Lying
5) Smoking (pot or cigarettes) inside the house
6) Smoking (pot or cigarettes) in MY car
I choose not to have drugs or drug-related activities around me or my child. If you choose to engage in drug-related activities or the use of drugs, then you will have to find somewhere else to live.
To be clear, if you choose to do any of the following, you will have to move out immediately.
1) Bring drugs in the house
2) Use drugs in the house
3) Sell drugs
4) Grow pot
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Bio. Those are really good boundaries. And they are fair. And reasonable. Everyone deserves respect. And everyone deserves to live in a drug-free environment, especially with small children around. Drugs are illegal after all and don't think for a minute the cops won't take your kids and make your life hell with CPS if they find drugs in your house, even if they aren't yours.
The tough part now is having a plan in place to enforce your boundaries. For example, what are you going to do if he refuses to be respectful - you say you are going to break up with him, but what does that look like? Also, you say that if he engages in drug related activities he will have to leave, but if he refuses and becomes threatening, what are you going to do? Have a plan in place that you can follow through on.
The tough part now is having a plan in place to enforce your boundaries. For example, what are you going to do if he refuses to be respectful - you say you are going to break up with him, but what does that look like? Also, you say that if he engages in drug related activities he will have to leave, but if he refuses and becomes threatening, what are you going to do? Have a plan in place that you can follow through on.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
bio,
Congrats to you for working on a healthy environment for you and your baby. That is an excellent step on your recovery path.
In my learning to set boundaries, I learned that most of my boundaries had to do with me more than with "them". I learned that "they" would always have the best of intentions and all the words of promises to follow my request but most of the time never the actions to back up those promises or intentions.
So in setting my boundaries this is what I tried to do (these may not fit your situation, just examples of what I try to stick with) . . .
Because I feel unsafe when I ride in a vehicle with you, I will be unable to ride with you, you are welcome to ride with me or we will take seperate vehicles.
Because the drugs that you are using are illegal and would put our home and myself in jeopardy, if I discover any illegal substances at our home, I will take necessary action to have you removed from our home.
We both have violent tempers, if an arguement gets out of control, I will ask you to leave me alone so that we can both calm down. If you are unable to do this, I will leave or call the authorities to have you removed if I feel threatened.
I will base my decisions on actual facts and actual actions, not on words or intentions. It is not against you - it is just protecting me.
I need you to provide $XXX amount of money per week for your contribution to our household. If you can't do this, then please find somewhere else to live. I am not able to give you any money. Please respect me enough to not ask.
These are just some of the examples of my boundaries that I am working on with the A's in my life.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Strength to keep taking excellent care of you - You deserve it.
Rita
Congrats to you for working on a healthy environment for you and your baby. That is an excellent step on your recovery path.
In my learning to set boundaries, I learned that most of my boundaries had to do with me more than with "them". I learned that "they" would always have the best of intentions and all the words of promises to follow my request but most of the time never the actions to back up those promises or intentions.
So in setting my boundaries this is what I tried to do (these may not fit your situation, just examples of what I try to stick with) . . .
Because I feel unsafe when I ride in a vehicle with you, I will be unable to ride with you, you are welcome to ride with me or we will take seperate vehicles.
Because the drugs that you are using are illegal and would put our home and myself in jeopardy, if I discover any illegal substances at our home, I will take necessary action to have you removed from our home.
We both have violent tempers, if an arguement gets out of control, I will ask you to leave me alone so that we can both calm down. If you are unable to do this, I will leave or call the authorities to have you removed if I feel threatened.
I will base my decisions on actual facts and actual actions, not on words or intentions. It is not against you - it is just protecting me.
I need you to provide $XXX amount of money per week for your contribution to our household. If you can't do this, then please find somewhere else to live. I am not able to give you any money. Please respect me enough to not ask.
These are just some of the examples of my boundaries that I am working on with the A's in my life.
Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Strength to keep taking excellent care of you - You deserve it.
Rita
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I agree with the above. Ive always done the weekly contribution thing. I figured out budget and divided it by percentages of our income to come up with what he has to give me and that I was comfortable with and if he..for example...didnt give me gas $ then he wouldnt get a ride. I also dont just give him money if he spends the extra or doesnt work enough for it, then its his problem not mine.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
Hey Rita -
The examples of your boundaries are awesome and just what I need to develop in writing with my son who is a practicing addict and living in my home. We are going round and round getting nowhere with our verbal
agreements.
I'm going to use those that apply, add some of my own and maybe I'll get somewhere rather then spinning my wheels.
I really like how the statements explain each circumstance objectively then detail what I'm going to do to change the situation, rather then what I think HE should do. Thanks so much.
The examples of your boundaries are awesome and just what I need to develop in writing with my son who is a practicing addict and living in my home. We are going round and round getting nowhere with our verbal
agreements.
I'm going to use those that apply, add some of my own and maybe I'll get somewhere rather then spinning my wheels.
I really like how the statements explain each circumstance objectively then detail what I'm going to do to change the situation, rather then what I think HE should do. Thanks so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Nope you can't ground him. He's not 12 years old. And even if you could, would you want to? Yuk. I want to be with a man who acts like an adult, not one who needs girlfriend to be his mommy.
It's all about you and what you are willing to live with. :-)
It's all about you and what you are willing to live with. :-)
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