lexusgirl

Things are so different around here. Very strange, odd, and overall I feel as though I'm living with someone that I don't know or maybe I never did. We no longer share a bedroom. I kicked him out of the bedroom after he got home last Sunday. We no longer even talk, besides small exchanges of words that equal a sentence. He glares at me as I walk by him. We buy seperate groceries and prepare our meals seperately. Its as though I'm living with a roommate, and it's weird. Last night I was so furious that I yelled at him. I pray everyday that I can remain focused and not go off on my rants of insanity.

Last weekend I think (I hope) I reached my bottom after Abf proceded to leave me alone all weekend to go and party with his A Uncle and A Father. I know that others on this board have been put through a lot more, but I don't want to. Although sometimes I doubt myself and think-- should I give him another chance? Deep down inside I know better.

I actually called about some houses today and plan to go to an open house on Saturday, hoping I can find something that doesn't require great credit and will allow my dogs.

Deep down inside I have a lot of fear and it hurts me to leave him behind. I still love him, but it's hard loving the disease. I just hope that when it comes down to it, I can move out of here and won't soften up and feel sorry for him.

I just needed to vent and put my thoughts out there...I'm so thankful for this board

NYC_Chick

I had a total codie slip today so try not to be too hard on yourself if it happens. I have had my punching gloves to my face all night. It's not productive and I have to pull myself out of it. Tomorrow is another day!
:codiepolice

FormerDoormat

It is hard, but I found the courage to move forward. And I'm glad I did. You'll find the necessary courage, too. I, too, am thankful for this board.

Spiritual Seeker

You deserve the life you want. Go for it !!

Kindeyes

Take care of you. He's an adult and can take care of himself.

gentle hugs

vrb

I still love mine, and I had to stand up and say no more of this treatment.

Some days it feels OK, but some days I am not doing OK.
this week has been a mix of up and down. sometimes I slip up
beating yourself up doesn't help.

Come back to these boards, you will find people to support you and place to get your feelings out. It keeps crazy making in your head to a dull roar to get it out.

Tomorrow is another day. It takes time to heal

Sending good thoughts.

V

lexusgirl

Thanks for all the kind replies..

I guess I maybe already preparing myself for when I do leave or he leaves (we haven't figured that out yet) or maybe in my mind he's already gone. Either way it's really sad to have to live this way. He is very mean and defensive to me, pretty much acts like I disgust him.

He keeps asking me "why this sudden change of heart? Where am I getting all this sh*t from?" He thinks I am overreacting and acting like he is my exabf who I too left.

He just doesn't get it...and yet to think he went through a year long program in prison and he was working his program and recovery, to only find his way back to drinking, such a shame...he lost his youth to drugs and booze, had a few good years after prison, now in his 30's is going back down that road again.

My codie thinking wants to help help help him..but I know I can't..its so hard to detach sometimes...

I guess this is all so sad....

Load Warrior

And if you stay, you'll continue to live that way... when you're married... when you have kids... in your 40's... your 60's... That's not what you want! He was sober, and he screwed up. He had his chance and he blew it. It's over.

Lace up those tennis shoes and RUN!

Shivaya

The above explains what is going on in my house, except for the fact that the "he" is my husband and we've been together for 19 years.

So......I think you are smart, way ahead of the game, to know this, to want to get out sooner rather than later. I wish I would have "seen the signs" before marriage/children came into our picture. But I did not. Or I chose to ignore them.

Now I'm in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic, and the good news is I have two wonderful children.

To me, it's less troublesome (not sure about this choice of word), to let go when there is no legal document or children involved.

So sorry for your situation. Like I said, sounds like you are aware and you know what you need to do.

Take care,

Shivaya

lexusgirl

I know it would be better to get out "now" rather then "later," but its hard as I really thought we would have gotten married and had children. It was up until recently that I knew something wasn't right.

Its hard knowing "what could have been." We've been inseperable for the last year and he's been my best friend. To cut if off completely is so hard and I will have a lot of grief to work through.

peaceteach

Grief has been my most powerful teacher, I truly have to say. Survive grief, and you can survive just about anything. It is then that you truly trust your HP the most.

prodigal

No pain, no gain. When we do things that are hard, in spite of our fears, we find a great deal of strength. There is no easy way to do it.

This is my experience, having been married to TWO A's. I guess I didn't learn my lesson the first time 'round. No matter how much you hang on by saying how "hard" it is, it will be waaayyyy more hard if you marry an addict. It would be a tragedy to bring children into such an environment. There are plenty of folks on this board who are adult children of alcoholics. They could tell you some horror stories.

Melody Beattie addresses the death of our dreams in Codependent No More. Grieving the death of what-could-have-been is devastating. Letting go of our dreams is painful. But there is no way around it. The pain of hanging on will eventually become as painful as the pain of letting go.

Take it from someone who has hung onto two AH's in her life ... for too long.

lexusgirl

There is no way in h*ll I would have kids now with him...wouldn't even entertain the idea. I don't want to bring any children into this world unless the situation is stable.

This is my second relationship as well with an A. The first one I kicked out, only to go on and seek therapy for things that happened in my childhood and the kind of men I get involved with. Took a break from dating for two years and now I screwed up again.

I do have to say current abf was working a program when I met him...this tells me his disease has progressed. When I met him he had at least three years into recovery.

Go figure...

prodigal

We seek what is familiar to us, even if it ends up hurting us. When I met my current AH, I could tell on our second date by the way he picked up that he was an A. But he was successful, had a nice home, well-educated, blah, blah, blah. See, I didn't realize certain traits were there ... but my radar picked up on them nonetheless.

After all, this guy wasn't chronically unemployed like my exAH. He wasn't financially in ruins. Nope, not then. But that was then and this is now. And the similarities between him and my ex are startling.

No matter what I believed, I still hadn't worked out some issues from my previous marriage. I wasn't aware that the main issue was codependency. It was so deep-seated I wasn't even operating with it on a conscious level.

It took two failed marriages for me to realize what deep doo I was really in. I know it is difficult to end a relationship. I know it is terribly disappointing when they get sober then relapse.

But, ultimately, you are all you have. You are worth investing in. I've lived through the big breakup of a marriage. I'm about to live through another. I'll survive.