Abundance

We have not contacted each other now for 6 days! Every day I get that much closer to cutting the umbilical cord. Sometimes I think WOW it's cut ... and then a matter of hours go by and my wheels start spinning..... what was the last thing said? I wonder if he is sad, mad, angry, glad..... etc. He says that he has been clean for more than 2 months now, and by his actions (not his words), I have not personally seen any changes. At this point, that is what I needed for us to start a new journey together. More often than not, I feel that he is probably really happy to see the back of me, and then some times I think he is hurting as much as I am, but is kindly giving me my space. Maybe he is thinking both? Or maybe he really doesn't give 2 sh!ts about it and is resuming just fine not being worried about being accused and not trusted by someone anymore! AND THEN... that stinkin thinkin gets replaced with.... it doesn't matter what he's thinking! And I carry on with my recovery! I am so used to keeping him updated on my feelings, so he we are on the same page, but we don't have the book anymore...... for our page to fit. I fear I will never be able to lie next to someone and look and feel something so amazing. That feeling was my drug, if I look at it negatively. When really it was something I have never felt for anyone before, I thought he was my soul mate!

Anyway.... right now I'm just embracing this recovery and I have faith that one day, I will go one day without thinking about him. I am working towards that..... I know it sounds horrible.... but my emotions are flip flopping through out the day. My friend told me today, that is why the "no contact rule" is so good. Cause lets say we talk when I'm missing him terrible.... yet had I of waited.... a few hours later I probably would be so relieved that we are not in this dysfunction anymore! That I am feeling happy and soulful about my life and not obsessing over his!

Today I felt like writing him an email ......saying I'm sorry that I couldn't trust again... I'm sorry I was not strong enough.... I'm sorry that I have so much doubt. It's true... I am sorry, but that is because I'm not able to carry that much right now... I think in reality, I would be strong enough, but it's not the time for me right now to do so. I would just fail ... horribly. I've already shown that I can't.

Afterglow by Sara MacLachlan is the cd that is currently all about my relationship and how it went. It's healing to listen to.

Stellargirl

I know you can do this!

Personally, I do think he is hurting as much as you are. If not more, since you were the one to call on no contact. You will feel better, it does get easier and right now, you must stay busy and journal and call friends and make plans and keep taking care of yourself. Because you're good enough, smart enough, and dawg goneit, people like you!

Abundance

hahaha! thanks! I have to remember to say that in the mirror each and every morning! ooooooooh... or maybe when i'm doing the yoga..... and sweat is pouring down my face.... kind of like sweating that man right out of my pores!

Keeping busy is the ticket! Too right!

kj21

Try to keep busy...to much idle time leads to thinking too much for me So early it is hard to not obsess about him and his feelings, but try to focus on you!! Hope you have a great fun filled weekend!! make plans with some friends!

jen960

I am on Day 7 of no contact with my AH and I am feeling all the same things you are feeling! It was great comfort to read your post. I too thought that my husband was my soulmate and that no other could ever make me feel the way he does. So there is hope. I too have to be grateful to be out of the dysfunction. Tonight I am going out to have fun with friends and keep moving on.

LiveLife

Hold on to your recovery and when it feels like it's slipping away hold on tighter. Make finding stability in your own life your first priority.

It's nearly 2 1/2 months since I told my ABF to leave. I know (for me) I can not have contact with him or I will fall back into the hurricane of chaos I am trying to escape. He was my soul mate and best friend. Prior to drugs, we had the most amazing relationship.

I've been riding an emotional roller coaster the past 2 1/2 months. Everything reminds me of him in some way. I am so unbelievably lonely at times. In 30 years of relationships, he was "the one." No one ever made me feel like he did. I was addicted to his companionship, his touch, his smile, his kisses, everything. In 5 years, that "butterflies in my chest" feeling never left. Even during the worst hours of addiction, I wanted to kill him and hold him tight all at the same time.

Instead of contacting him, I've "talked" to this forum and said here the things I would say to him. When I read the words of recovering addicts, My addict speaks to me. In the same way that those of us who love addicts share very similar experiences, so do addicts. When I want to contact him, I come here.

I turn the music loud and scream at him for what he's done to us and our dreams. I've cried buckets of tears and I've gotten rid of all his things. I've stomped my feet in anger when I found syringes and crack pipes. I screamed at the top of my lungs when I opened the hood of the truck and discovered the radiator and battery were missing.

This week, for the first time I felt a sense of peace. The pain is duller somehow. It's getting easier to deal with reality without all the raw emotion. I'm learning that I can survive without him. I've accomplished more these past two months than I did all of last year.

I focus on making "happy" memories with my children. I read recovery books and I keep busy. We were so focused on addiction that our home and property suffers from neglect, so there's mountains of work to do.

I believe he is angry at me at times and loves me at times. The same way I go between anger and love toward him while I am healing.

My bottom line is that I know I need to recover and gain strength because I will see him again. I'm working on defining my boundaries and living my life. I have to stay committed to "no contact" right now because I'm still too vulnerable to him. He needs to work his recovery and stand on his own and build his own life before I can consider trusting his friendship ever again.