facing fear SMACK in the face and doing it anyway-that's living!!!
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facing fear SMACK in the face and doing it anyway-that's living!!!
ah came home tues. night. he was being difficult at the time and talking about how he is not going to stop drinking. said he didn't do any thinking while he was away. so needless to say i was irritated. i basically told him that i had learned a lot while he was away. i told him that i was happy while he was gone, could breathe, and there was peace. i told him that i thought it would be hard and it wasn't. i didn't wonder what he was doing or miss him. basically, i told him that if he didn't get sober we were going to get a divorce.
i asked him if he wanted to go to the concert. he was wishy washy about it. so i told him that another guy asked me to go. he told me to go with the other guy. i asked him if he really meant that? and told him this was not the time to just run his mouth, so, then he said he would go.
in the morning, as he was walking out the door, he said after all you said to me last night you want me to go to the concert with you, no. said he would just be miserable the whole time and wanted to know if i could promise i would not bring up the drinking? i told him i wanted to go and have fun. said he wasn't going. so, i asked him again if he wanted me to go with the other guy. he said go.
of course, i couldn't do that. i couldn't go with another guy still being married. i did tell ah that i wouldn't do anything with this guy, but i really thought i deserved to go and have a good time. my girlfriend couldn't go her kid was sick.
of course, last night was the concert. it was in a really big city notoriously easy to get lost in. everyone hates driving there. i've never driven there before. i really wanted to go to the concert and was determined i would go no matter what.
fear, i resolved to apologize to ah for the things that i said and asked him to please go, because i was really afraid for my safety going. i did this. told him that if he didn't go i would go by myself. so, he says okay. i wait. he eats, gets a shower, gets all dressed to go (but i notice he is taking his time getting ready) i told him i wanted to leave as quick as possible to not be late. we get in the car, all happy, to go...he drives to the end of the driveway and stops the car and drops the bomb "are you going to have sex with me if i go with you?" i don't answer him except to say let's just go and have a good time. he says he wants an answer, so i say no. so he says he's not going then and backs up the car in the alley. he says there's no reason i can't have sex with him if he does this for me. i told him that his attitude right now is the reason why.
so short of the story, he let on that he was going and the whole time it was nothing but an act...i call it emotional terriorism/torture. if i was going by myself i wanted to leave in plenty of daylight and time. he waited till it was getting dark and too late for me to ask anyone,and just long enough that i would be late to the concert.
so, scared to death, i resolved to get in the car-mapquest directions in hand-and just drive there all by myself. i was determined, fiercely independent. i really wanted to prove to him and myself that i could do this and i did it!!!
i made it to the concert. found my way through the city. HAD A GREAT TIME!!! all by myself. i am soo glad this happend. i faced fear and literally drove right through it. honestly, i don't know many women that would have enough courage to do what i did last night. i was looking at all the night city lights and it was so beautiful. it was almost like an out of body experience because i could not believe that this was me and i was doing this and i was there. my higher power was definitely there with me, it was almost like he was really driving and guiding me the whole time.
i have a complete new found strength. i had no idea i was so strong and had it in me. i have a sense that i can do anything now. if i could do that i can do anything and i don't need anyone to do it.
oh, and, of course, i'm really ready to move on with my life now. i told ah not to give my any problems with getting a divorce then if this is what it is going to be. he said he won't. i told him that we did not need to sell the house to get divorced. we could be divorced in thirty days. i told him i want this resolved by summer.
so, i may be filing a lot sooner than anyone expected
am i wrong in thinking that we can file for dissolution without resolving the matter of who will live where and the house? at least just get the divorce already???
sorry so long...
i asked him if he wanted to go to the concert. he was wishy washy about it. so i told him that another guy asked me to go. he told me to go with the other guy. i asked him if he really meant that? and told him this was not the time to just run his mouth, so, then he said he would go.
in the morning, as he was walking out the door, he said after all you said to me last night you want me to go to the concert with you, no. said he would just be miserable the whole time and wanted to know if i could promise i would not bring up the drinking? i told him i wanted to go and have fun. said he wasn't going. so, i asked him again if he wanted me to go with the other guy. he said go.
of course, i couldn't do that. i couldn't go with another guy still being married. i did tell ah that i wouldn't do anything with this guy, but i really thought i deserved to go and have a good time. my girlfriend couldn't go her kid was sick.
of course, last night was the concert. it was in a really big city notoriously easy to get lost in. everyone hates driving there. i've never driven there before. i really wanted to go to the concert and was determined i would go no matter what.
fear, i resolved to apologize to ah for the things that i said and asked him to please go, because i was really afraid for my safety going. i did this. told him that if he didn't go i would go by myself. so, he says okay. i wait. he eats, gets a shower, gets all dressed to go (but i notice he is taking his time getting ready) i told him i wanted to leave as quick as possible to not be late. we get in the car, all happy, to go...he drives to the end of the driveway and stops the car and drops the bomb "are you going to have sex with me if i go with you?" i don't answer him except to say let's just go and have a good time. he says he wants an answer, so i say no. so he says he's not going then and backs up the car in the alley. he says there's no reason i can't have sex with him if he does this for me. i told him that his attitude right now is the reason why.
so short of the story, he let on that he was going and the whole time it was nothing but an act...i call it emotional terriorism/torture. if i was going by myself i wanted to leave in plenty of daylight and time. he waited till it was getting dark and too late for me to ask anyone,and just long enough that i would be late to the concert.
so, scared to death, i resolved to get in the car-mapquest directions in hand-and just drive there all by myself. i was determined, fiercely independent. i really wanted to prove to him and myself that i could do this and i did it!!!
i made it to the concert. found my way through the city. HAD A GREAT TIME!!! all by myself. i am soo glad this happend. i faced fear and literally drove right through it. honestly, i don't know many women that would have enough courage to do what i did last night. i was looking at all the night city lights and it was so beautiful. it was almost like an out of body experience because i could not believe that this was me and i was doing this and i was there. my higher power was definitely there with me, it was almost like he was really driving and guiding me the whole time.
i have a complete new found strength. i had no idea i was so strong and had it in me. i have a sense that i can do anything now. if i could do that i can do anything and i don't need anyone to do it.
oh, and, of course, i'm really ready to move on with my life now. i told ah not to give my any problems with getting a divorce then if this is what it is going to be. he said he won't. i told him that we did not need to sell the house to get divorced. we could be divorced in thirty days. i told him i want this resolved by summer.
so, i may be filing a lot sooner than anyone expected
am i wrong in thinking that we can file for dissolution without resolving the matter of who will live where and the house? at least just get the divorce already???
sorry so long...
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if you love someone how could you be so vindictive, and vengeful, spiteful as ah was last night? what kind of husband lets his wife go unprotectd like that-leads her on like that? he was really out to hurt me -not knowing if i would get lost, in a car accident, all alone in a big unfamiliar city? it was all about a game to him.
i'm sad to think that i married this kind of person, that cares nothing about my safety and security
i bet you he never thought in a million years i would actually do it and go by myself. i made sure he knew i had a great time when i came home too.
i can't believe this was supposed to be my soulmate, my life partner.
i'm sad to think that i married this kind of person, that cares nothing about my safety and security
i bet you he never thought in a million years i would actually do it and go by myself. i made sure he knew i had a great time when i came home too.
i can't believe this was supposed to be my soulmate, my life partner.
Live, Laugh, Love
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Originally Posted by hopeangel 
what kind of husband lets his wife go unprotectd like that-leads her on like that?
GOOD FOR YOU
So happy for you, that you went, had a great time and was so independent. I'm not sure i could have done what you did! That's great....guess we can do anything when we put our mind to it. So glad you had a great time, you deserve it. Bet your husband NEVER imagined you actually going...
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Orlando, FL
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Hey Hope,
About the house..........I've just gone thru this myself. You two have to decide who is going to live where, house, apt, etc. and have the mortage part of it written into the divorce agreement of how it will get paid until it gets sold. In our particular case, I stayed in the house, so I'm paying the mortage, and he moved out - paying rent there. He couldn't afford to pay half of the mortgage for now while he is at a whole new living arrangement, utilities, auto loan, etc. So when the house sells, out of his half of the profict, he has to pay me half of each mortgage that I've paid since he moved out. That was just our arrangement. I'm sure there's many other ways it can be decided on.
As for the rest of what you wrote. I know exactly what it feels like to have married someone that doesn't care about you, your safety, or otherwise. It didn't happen on many occasions, but there were times when I'd be out with my sister, or friends for whatever occasion and I'd come home at midnight or better, and not only would he be asleep, he'd be asleep in the BED! The least he could have done was waited up in the living room on the couch, where he slept every other time of the day. That used to irk me to no end.
But i smiled as you told your story of independence. I know how important that is for you and how great it made you feel. That you actually could do it, drive yourself to something YOU wanted to do, painlessly. And it just gets easier and easier as the time flies by without the alcoholic in your life. I'm still emotional, and memories that I fantisize come about, but that's all they are, fantasies of what I wanted it to be. I'm moving on and doing well, and you will too. YOU GO GIRL!! Independence is right around the corner waiting for you.
8
About the house..........I've just gone thru this myself. You two have to decide who is going to live where, house, apt, etc. and have the mortage part of it written into the divorce agreement of how it will get paid until it gets sold. In our particular case, I stayed in the house, so I'm paying the mortage, and he moved out - paying rent there. He couldn't afford to pay half of the mortgage for now while he is at a whole new living arrangement, utilities, auto loan, etc. So when the house sells, out of his half of the profict, he has to pay me half of each mortgage that I've paid since he moved out. That was just our arrangement. I'm sure there's many other ways it can be decided on.
As for the rest of what you wrote. I know exactly what it feels like to have married someone that doesn't care about you, your safety, or otherwise. It didn't happen on many occasions, but there were times when I'd be out with my sister, or friends for whatever occasion and I'd come home at midnight or better, and not only would he be asleep, he'd be asleep in the BED! The least he could have done was waited up in the living room on the couch, where he slept every other time of the day. That used to irk me to no end.
But i smiled as you told your story of independence. I know how important that is for you and how great it made you feel. That you actually could do it, drive yourself to something YOU wanted to do, painlessly. And it just gets easier and easier as the time flies by without the alcoholic in your life. I'm still emotional, and memories that I fantisize come about, but that's all they are, fantasies of what I wanted it to be. I'm moving on and doing well, and you will too. YOU GO GIRL!! Independence is right around the corner waiting for you.
8
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Wow, Hopeangel. I am so glad you decided to drive yourself to the concert, and am even more glad that you had such a great time! YOU GO GIRL!!!
It's amazing what we can do when we have the determination. Okay, so now you know, like you said....if you can accomplish the above (and it is an accomplishment), then you can do anything! What a tremendous feeling!
As far as the filing for divorce part, I have no experience in this area (although I have a feeling I will sooner rather than later).....
And the soul mate part. I believe that "soul mate" does not mean "soul mate for life". I believe that a "soul mate" comes into your life, for whatever period of time, for whatever reasons, until you have learned what you need to learn. I've been with my "soul mate" for 20 years now, and I think I just learned my lesson......that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, and I don't have to be in a relationship where I continue to give, and get nothing in return. I am lovable, and I deserve to be loved and happy. I have found happiness in myself and in all of my relationships (friends/family/children), except for with my husband. He can't give me what I need b/c alcohol gets in the way.....
So Hopeangel.......great job on taking care of your needs and doing what you wanted to do, what an inspiration!
Shivaya
It's amazing what we can do when we have the determination. Okay, so now you know, like you said....if you can accomplish the above (and it is an accomplishment), then you can do anything! What a tremendous feeling!
As far as the filing for divorce part, I have no experience in this area (although I have a feeling I will sooner rather than later).....
And the soul mate part. I believe that "soul mate" does not mean "soul mate for life". I believe that a "soul mate" comes into your life, for whatever period of time, for whatever reasons, until you have learned what you need to learn. I've been with my "soul mate" for 20 years now, and I think I just learned my lesson......that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, and I don't have to be in a relationship where I continue to give, and get nothing in return. I am lovable, and I deserve to be loved and happy. I have found happiness in myself and in all of my relationships (friends/family/children), except for with my husband. He can't give me what I need b/c alcohol gets in the way.....
So Hopeangel.......great job on taking care of your needs and doing what you wanted to do, what an inspiration!
Shivaya
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That's awesome Hope! I remember how scary and exhilirating it was for me when I started to do things for myself that I never, ever thought I could do. WOW! Your life is about to get exponentially better.
L
L
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there were 15,000 people there. it was a sold out concert. big name rock band. my hands were literally shaking driving but there was an overwelming sense of calm too. being sold out, no parking, i even had to leave my car keys (car running) with a guy who stated that he would park my car and leave my key in it! i did it stuck out my chest and just kept walking towards the arena. talk about determination and no fear!!!
i had my friend on the phone with me helping me through it. it was as if i had all these forces with me, angels, spirits, higher power. so i did not feel alone. it was definitely a spiritual experiece and awakening.
i had my friend on the phone with me helping me through it. it was as if i had all these forces with me, angels, spirits, higher power. so i did not feel alone. it was definitely a spiritual experiece and awakening.
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I am so proud of you!!!! You have really come a long way since you started posting here! Once we start realizing that we CAN get through fear and come out okay, there's no stopping us!
I'm sorry that you're marriage is ending, but I'm glad you are at the point where you realize it's best for you. As long as you're taking care of YOU, you'll be just fine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm sorry that you're marriage is ending, but I'm glad you are at the point where you realize it's best for you. As long as you're taking care of YOU, you'll be just fine.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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I think you made 3. really great decisions....1. to not go with "the other guy" while you are still married...I know you wondered about this. 2. to not play into your ah hands with his "power play". 3. went anyway and had a great time with your very best friend...who is yourself.
YOUR AWESOME!
YOUR AWESOME!
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thank you ALL so much!!! i am truly touched by the outpouring of support, encouragement, and kind words.
you ALL have me teary eyed reading this.
ah said he knew that i could go to the concert myself - he knew i could do it and the way he sees it i'm not willing to do anything for him so he's not going to do anything for me anymore.
i talked to him about coming to some kind of terms about what we are going to do about our living arrangements and dissolution.
of course, i got the we could work this out, but you don't want to work this out. you could accept me as i am and i could accept you as you are.
he said he wants it to be done to. he said it was so nice to go out to dinner while he was gone and have one margarita (thats why i saw a receipt for the purchase of jim beam) i told him all he had to do is move out, get an apartment, and make half the house payment.
he still thinks that i am doing all this to control him and get him to stop drinking. he thinks that i am doing it against him. i really can't get him to understand that i am doing it for me. that it is about change and growth and happiness for me and what i believe i deserve, that i still love him and want him to become a better healthier person with all my heart.
is there any way to communicate with him because it just seems completely impossible right now. he always gets defensive and can't hear a word i'm saying and if i try to explain how i feel he says he already knows.
any advice on getting through this with him?
you ALL have me teary eyed reading this.
ah said he knew that i could go to the concert myself - he knew i could do it and the way he sees it i'm not willing to do anything for him so he's not going to do anything for me anymore.
i talked to him about coming to some kind of terms about what we are going to do about our living arrangements and dissolution.
of course, i got the we could work this out, but you don't want to work this out. you could accept me as i am and i could accept you as you are.
he said he wants it to be done to. he said it was so nice to go out to dinner while he was gone and have one margarita (thats why i saw a receipt for the purchase of jim beam) i told him all he had to do is move out, get an apartment, and make half the house payment.
he still thinks that i am doing all this to control him and get him to stop drinking. he thinks that i am doing it against him. i really can't get him to understand that i am doing it for me. that it is about change and growth and happiness for me and what i believe i deserve, that i still love him and want him to become a better healthier person with all my heart.
is there any way to communicate with him because it just seems completely impossible right now. he always gets defensive and can't hear a word i'm saying and if i try to explain how i feel he says he already knows.
any advice on getting through this with him?
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Hopeangel - Way to go!!! That is a great big step in the right direction for you! The only place to go from here is up! That must feel great.
You are right, they don't care about your safety or well being. My xabf once got mad at me and told me to leave. By subway, it takes 1.5 hours to get to my house. He kicked me out at 11:30p.m on a Tuesday night. I didn't get back home until 1a.m. He never called to see if I made it. It's not a particularly dangerous neighborhood, but it has been known to bring out the freaks past say 11p.m.
My xabf also is able to drink socially (yeah, right!) and has told me since the break-up that he was able to go out and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine without a problem. Everyone else with him noticed how easy it was for him to put down, so I should also. Ummm....ok. I think he's just trading whiskey for wine.
Thanks for the inspiring post. I needed to read this today!!!
You are right, they don't care about your safety or well being. My xabf once got mad at me and told me to leave. By subway, it takes 1.5 hours to get to my house. He kicked me out at 11:30p.m on a Tuesday night. I didn't get back home until 1a.m. He never called to see if I made it. It's not a particularly dangerous neighborhood, but it has been known to bring out the freaks past say 11p.m.
My xabf also is able to drink socially (yeah, right!) and has told me since the break-up that he was able to go out and enjoy a couple of glasses of wine without a problem. Everyone else with him noticed how easy it was for him to put down, so I should also. Ummm....ok. I think he's just trading whiskey for wine.
Thanks for the inspiring post. I needed to read this today!!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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i call it emotional terriorism/torture.
I don't mean to sound harsh, it just seems to me that you're playing with fire. Remember, you control whether you have peace in your life or not. Playing the "other man" card won't bring you peace; it creates more drama.
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fdt, i totally understand what you are saying and your right also.
it was said out of frustration on my part and also just plain desperation because i really did struggle so much with the desire to be able to just get on with my life and be happy and felt like i was missing a chance to do this by not going with the other guy for no other reason than just to be able to go with someone and have a good time.
i did realize this was wrong. i apologized to ah for it-explained to him that i would not do it being married. my apology to him was a sincere one.
i take full responsibility for the above-most definitely.
i need to work on acting out on my own frustrations. i know this. i can say some hurtful things when really frustrated, but i try not to. i apoligized to him for this too.
it was said out of frustration on my part and also just plain desperation because i really did struggle so much with the desire to be able to just get on with my life and be happy and felt like i was missing a chance to do this by not going with the other guy for no other reason than just to be able to go with someone and have a good time.
i did realize this was wrong. i apologized to ah for it-explained to him that i would not do it being married. my apology to him was a sincere one.
i take full responsibility for the above-most definitely.
i need to work on acting out on my own frustrations. i know this. i can say some hurtful things when really frustrated, but i try not to. i apoligized to him for this too.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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I'm glad you didn't take it as a criticism; that wasn't my intent. Even if the relationship is over and you decide to go through with the divorce, it's been my experience that the less drama I invite into my life, the happier I am.
These days I try and stop myself when I'm about to engage in behaviors that might invite drama into my life. I don't always succeed, but the more I practice avoiding drama and eliminating negativity from my life, the better I get at it.
I am very proud of you for going to the concert by yourself. That took a lot of courage. I'm not sure I could have done that alone--even now. For that you deserve a big pat on the back.
These days I try and stop myself when I'm about to engage in behaviors that might invite drama into my life. I don't always succeed, but the more I practice avoiding drama and eliminating negativity from my life, the better I get at it.
I am very proud of you for going to the concert by yourself. That took a lot of courage. I'm not sure I could have done that alone--even now. For that you deserve a big pat on the back.
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thanks fdt, that made it even clearer. i see how i created more drama... avoiding drama at all costs is great advice and is exactly what i am wanting to do now.
the frustration comes from not being able to reach him. i don't know quite how to completely let go of that one yet. i still want desperately for him to know how i really feel.
the frustration comes from not being able to reach him. i don't know quite how to completely let go of that one yet. i still want desperately for him to know how i really feel.
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