katiedid79

Hi, I m new to this bourd and Im glad I found it. I have been dealing with my boyfriend of 14 years opiate addiction. Well Im trying to stop dealing with it if you know what I mean. Its so hard. Im so sucked in. I was an enabler for a couple years and did not relizse what I was doing, once I did I stopped. He says as of monday that is the last time he has used. He says he is trying to stop... When I spoke with him yesterday he siad he was not an addict but he was dependent, can someone please explain to me if there is a differnece? Last time I checked addict , addiction , dependence are all lumped toghter. But then agian I guess Im trying to understand his rationaliztions coming from an addict. He says I can stop then when I tell him well since you stopped monday then dont pick them up any more dont do them agian. He says well its just not that easy.... So I believe he is in denial. He has been nasty , irratiable, makes jokes of what I say, says Im crazy, there is somthing wrong with me. He tryed to tell me that he only does them once in awhile , well if that is the case then why was he going threw such bad withdrawel for the past 2 days if thats what it is and why does other people say he uses almost everyday. Why do I find evidence of it at least 1 time per week for the past month or more. So this is how im going about dealing with this problem correct me if Im wrong. I told him that I will check his truck and pants ect anytime I feel like it, Yes I cannot control him and what he does but I can control what comes in my house and around my 5 month old duaghter. I will not pay for anything of his other then a pack of cigs a day and gas that he needs to get to and from work. Once this job is over with and he goes to the other job Im going to stop doing that. He has withdrawn all the money of this job and has been working for free the last month or so. Im paying everythign. Im dealing with a 5 month old , dealing with all reponsibities , bills ect. I have told him if I catch him doing it then he is out. Period , I told him if he could be honest with me and get help I would be right there with him , he has chose his own path and I have chosen mine. Now I just need to let go. I keep asking him to move out and he wont. Both names are on the house. He says that from now on hes not doing it anymore blah blah blah. Heard that to many time to count. I have so much anger inside of me that I just keep rehashing past things. You know how many times he cleared my back account out , how many times I did with out stuff so we could make it threw the week. Threw out my whole pregnacy he was not there. He would say Im working late and be at a buddies house .................. Im so threw with him.
Then Last night he was on the cell phone talkign to a addict that is worse then him and they where joking about it. I heard his freind say did you get your old lady in line. WTF get me inline, well so I took his cell phone away , I pay for it the bills are in my name, he dont like it well get your own cell phone,pay for it yourself. Before when he wasnt an addict he would have never let anyone speak to me or about me like that. He slept out on the couch last night for the 2nd time in our whole relationship. We have not been intimate for over a month and all he can do is say who wants to be intimate with someone who acts like I do. Well excuse me for trying to have somthing in life and having some normalcy. I just dont think he cares anymore. I think the best approach is to just let it all go. Meaning detach myself to a piont. Im still going to make sure its not in the house and Im not enabling:wtf2:wtf2, I told him yesterday as far has our relationship goes its over. If he gets off the drugs then we will talk about having a relationship. So now Im living in a house with an addict and no relationship not that there was one before. Im not going any where I pay for the place he dosnt so I guess we will just continue to make each other miserable until some one gives up . Sorry for the venting im just vary bitter and angry right now.

Hangin' In

Hey Katie,

Glad you've found this board. I hope you'll stick around and read and post some more.

I'm at work right now and don't have much time to respond as I'd like to. But the first thing that came to mind after reading your thread was a great slogan I learned through recovery. Goes like this: "Nothing changes if nothing changes."

Looks like someone in your household is going to have to make a change in order for things to start getting better. And since we know that we cannot make anyone else change, and you aren't seeing any signs of that in your bf, looks as if the change will have to start with you.

I learned about changing what I was doing by reading on this board and by attending Al Anon meetings. Maybe you could find a meeting in your town. You can always call 1-866-4AL-ANON and they can tell you where one is. And keep reading here. Great recovery from wise folks who can help you learn about recovery.

Hugs and prayers for you and your bf,
Hangin' In

biocat

Hi, katiedid!! You are not alone. I am dealing with a VERY similar situation - I also have a 5-month-old. I won't go into it here, but read some of my old posts if you are interested. No great advice, just want you to know that you're in good company. Others will be along with some great advice. Sounds like you have a plan. I'm still working on mine. Good luck.

idahoone

Dear Katie,

I am so sorry for your pain! I am following Hangin' on many threads today and I agree with her- stick around, read what others have to say, and try to find an Alanon or Naranon meeting for you.

Take care of yourself and your baby. That is all you can do~ your ABF has to make his own way.

Hugs and Prayers,

BayAreaPhoenix

Welcome Katie! Ditto to all of the above. Keep taking care of you and your sweet baby!

Stick around!

katiedid79

Biocat I went back threw your threads like you said . We are in similar situations
I found it intertesing the parts about setting boundrys and not trying to control.
I appreceate everyones feed back and think that going to alanon meetings isnt a bad idea. When Im ready I will go. I just have so much on my plate right now and I keep telling myself oh its not that bad. It will get fixed. Well Im going to give it a while and see what happens. Im going to stick to what I told him about bringing it in the house etc. I find it weird that he has not called me to ask about his cell phone. Maybe thats a good sign. Anyways it does make it harder for him to do his thing and see where im at so he can go to a freinds house or whatever and use...
I told him that we would sit down today and talk about all this stuff when I found the halve of hydro in his pocket that he says he forgot about , yeah right... Hes just sorry he got busted.
I told him early in the week that he had a decisoin to make it was either me or the addiction. Im going to do my best to stick to that. Im also bad about making threats I dont keep .
I know one thing I do not want to live like this any more. So next step I guess is where do I go from here.
He also was getting suboxen from a person that is a recovering addict and he says that it was just trading one thing for the other so he dosnt want to go that route. God only knows what else he is doing. He says nothing . But the people he is around also have variuos addictions to crack, coke , meth the list goes on and on. Meth is really bad where I live so is the pill addictions. He dosnt take a bath but once a month , and that is no exageration. The only way I can get him into a shower is to tell him if he dosnt then he isnt getting any. Which I have stopped doing becuase I really just cant stand to have him touch me when he has done so much damage to us. He dosnt take care of his teeth never brushes them they are rotting out of his head they have gotten really bad, never brushes his hair to the piont he gets one big dread lock which looks more like a poop lock to me. He says its the morter getting stuck in his hair or Im not taking a shower cause Ill just get dirty agian. What kind of reasoning is that? I feel like such an idiot for not seeing these huge warning signs years ago. I want him to stop but no Im powerless .
Another thing that does bother me is if he is such and addict then how can he still come home and cook dinner that kind of thing. Load the dishwasher ect... He keeps saying I cleaned the house so I should excuse him from this blah blah blah. Which all he did was mopped the floor and moved clutter from one table to the other. Which I am gratefull he did do somthing.

biocat

OK, look. Addiction is one thing, but not taking a bath or brushing your teeth - that is just gross.

On another note . . . Mine loves to clean the house (which also amounts to mopping the kitchen floor) and cook, so that he can use it against me. In their mind, this is an excuse to get away with EVERYTHING ELSE. ???

katiedid79

He used to not be like that . He used to be clean cut that kind of thing. Not no more. For some reason he wears the same pair of socks for a week or more at a time, its so bad the smell is that it sets my asthma off. Ive noticed that he will take a clean piar and put the dirty pair on the outside of his feet ,his thinking is its keeping the one pair cleaner longer. I havnt been able to bring myself to check and see if hes doing the same thing with his underwear. God I hope not
He did call me and asked about his cell phone. I told him when he can come up with half of the bill then he can have it back. Thats what I should do .

hello-kitty

Hey Katie. Welcome. Set boundaries and stick with them. You set a boundary when you said...

So no matter how much he whines and cries, just repeat that sentence to him over and over. If you don't follow through, it's an empty threat and it will only encourage more lies and manipulation from him because he knows you are a pushover and you don't mean what you say.

By the way, the hair ball and hygiene thing is just gross. Seriously think about why are you with this guy? Is this what you want out of life? Because if you are waiting for him to change... forget about it. It aint going to happen.

I'm sorry. I think that reading and posting will be a big help to you. And meetings too. You will learn alot and meet people who are in similar situations as you. It's not about leaving. It's about taking care of yourself. It's about your self-respect and boundaries.

:codiepolice

katiedid79

You are right . All thow I dont know how he is going to pay for it. But I guess thats his problem , bet he could come up with the money for another pill. Yeah that is gross. Thats how bad it has gotten. We are going to sit down today and Im going to set some boundries one of them being he is to take a shower at least 2 times per week or I will not sleep in the same bed has him peroid. Although isnt that controlling ? Every time I have treid to set boundries he says that Im just trying to controle him , then the manupilation starts. Hes says Im playing games just like my momma ....

hello-kitty

Boundaries are about controling yourself not the other person.

For example:

I choose not to sleep with a stinky dirty person. Therefore, I won't let one in my bed. If you are stinky, I will ask you to take a shower. If you refuse, then you may not sleep in bed next to me. You may sleep on the couch. (Don't give up your bed - if it's your bed and your sheets. Who bought them. Who paid for them is a good rule of thumb for deciding.)

And if he whines about you being controlling... well - it's your choice. Do you want to sleep next to someone who stinks? I suppose you could always sleep on the couch. But its a boundary so stick with it. And if he whines. Tell him to whine in the shower because he is disgusting and you aren't going to put up with it anymore.

He's manipulating you well before he accuses you of being controlling. Accusing you of being controlling is part of the manipulation. And he's been doing it for a long time and he's really good at.

Hang in there! In your first post you have come up with some great boundaries. Stick with them! You are worth more than what you are getting from him.

outtolunch

Katie,

What's in this relationship for you? What are you getting out of it?

It sounds to me like you are alone with or without him.

I agree with hello-kitty. This guy is a pro at manipulating you.

Are you renting or do your own the house, together? Do you have your own source of income, indepndent of him?

chloe78

Welcome Katie. I hope you find some strength and hope from these boards. Keep reading. You are in my prayers.

katiedid79

Let me update on the situation. Went to his work yesterday, He wanted his cell phone I told him when he pays the 50$ half of the bill then I will give it to him. So we went round and round. I tried to stick to the "give me 50$ and I will give you the phone back" without going to far off the path. I also told him that I would not sleep in the same bed with him if he did not take a shower at least 2 times a week. Its his choice. So he got hatful with me and told me after using a few cuss words that I should just leave. So I got up and left. By the time I picked the baby up from day care and was on my way home he called from his brothers house and told me where he was at and that he would be home shortly. When he got home he tried agian to get the phone back, didnt work I said come up with 50$ for the bill and I will give it to you. He said I am borrowed out , well I told him that was not my problem and when you dont pay your bills they get cut off. He hasnt paid aphone bill in over 6 months at least. Well he tried to get hateful and I walked away. So he got wood in cleaned up the garden for spring and came in watched the baby so I could finish bottles and take a shower. He then went to the store (its right up the road) to get gas and cigs for work . I told him to not go over 10$ for his stuff he didnt. He came home got into the shower was actually paying attention to me in a postive manner and made dinner. Im so happy about that , but you know what I still didnt give him back his cell phone. No money no phone. Look Im not trying to control him but I will control what goes on in my house around my 5 month old , there is certain rules in any bodys house unfortantly if he wants to act like a child I will treat him like a child. You get what you give and visa versa. If he dosnt like what the rules are and what bounderes I set are well he knows where he can go , he can choose not to live with me. Its so easy for some one to sit back and critisize when they dont have to walk in my shoes. Of course Im going to speak about the addict in a negative manner I just fully relized this week how bad things had gotten and how stupid I was being. I have allot of anger and resement built up. Both are names are on the house. So its not so cut and dry I wish it was. I now see how much he has been manupulating me. I cant believe that I let it get go this far. Im not saying everyday will be a struggle for him or me. But if he sees I will not be manupilated and there are consiquences for his actions he will stop doing those things if not then I guess Ill have to go with plan B which Im not sure at the moment but have a good idea if I want to continue to go threw this crap. It just help to be able to speak with people who have insight and can be an outside person looking in and say hay what is wrong with you why are thinking like that. When you have been affected by somome like this you tend to loose some of your self and "normal " thinking.

katiedid79

I have a full time job. So yes my income is seperat from him . Well it is now before we had a joint account. Let me tell you I will never do that agian. Every thing was fine with that account for at least 5 years then he starts bouncing checks left and right it got so bad that we were paying at least 300$ a month in bounced checks a month. Well I told him I was going to get my own account he told me I was stupid and threaten to brake up with me. Well anyways I got my own account , I ended up haveing to file for bankruptcy not all of this was his fault but 3/4 of it I blame on him. It all started when he had an accident at work and cut his finger off. The docter gave him pain bills (loratab) I think its possiable that he may have already been slighty addicted or had a problem with it. But thats just speculation. So he was out of work and got a check everyweek from workers comp. So some of the credit card spending came out of a nessacity to live. We were already living on the edge and that just sent us over bourd. After I got my account he even told the bank that owned the truck to take the money out of my account without me telling them they could. That was the kind of thing I was dealing with. Then things seemed to get better and so he would run out of money and need gas or cigs well next thing you know my bank account it cleared out , he figured out he could go to the ATM and withdraw money and check my account. When I caught him doing this I told him not to cause it cost me money. It was always one excuse after another.... Finally when the baby came I cut him off completey . The only thing he can do with my card is take it to the store down the road and use the credit part of it he is not allowed to take it anywhere else period. I change my debit pin and got a new card excetra. He does not know what the pin is. And will never know as far as Im concerned.

katiedid79

I know how he is when he is not an addict he is a great person , so I have chosen for the time being to try and stick it out with him. I love him but not the addict part of him. But in order for me and my daughter to try and have a normal life he is going to have to go by certain things that I have stated above. I havnet finished with the boundries thing. I have set 2 good ones right now and I am going to stick to them then if new ones need to be set then I will set them . I think if I make a piont with and conentrate on these 2 the rest will come easier. It was really vary hard and still is to not give into him and give him his phone back . One minute I want to and Im like well he was nice to me last night and did things that he should be doing anyways.... Then I realize that this is part of the manupilation and if I give into it he will just get worse. So Im not helping him. It is really hard though. I appretaite everyones feed back and Im still learning . So if you think you see somthing that maybe might not be right let me know. I try to look at all angles of a situation from all sides but somtimes it hard when your stuck in the middle of it.

Impurrfect

(((Katie)))

Good for you on not giving him the phone back and sticking to your boundaries.

We all do what we can do, as we can do it. I know that in some cases, I see someone going through situations I've been through and I get angry and want them to take care of themself. If I ever come across harsh, it's only because I care and I'm sure the other's here are the same way. I've learned that if something is said and I get defensive about it....there's some truth in what they're saying, I'm just not ready to accept it yet.

That being said, I spent 20 years in a relationship with an alcoholic that was wrong, in every way for me...left him and my other 2 relationships have been with crack addicts. It's taken me a long, long time to realize that I DO deserve better, but I am taking time to get to know me before I jump into any other relationship. Throw in the fact that I am an RA and I am putting my recovery first.

Keep posting and reading...the people here have helped me through a lot of situations with their ES&H.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

biocat

Good for you and your boundaries!!!!!!!!!

katiedid79

Glad to hear you are recovering. You know we all make mistakes its just when we dont learn from them or do somthing about it , then it becomes wrong. Im addicted to cigs. So not the same thing as the other drugs but its still is a drug. If I dont have my cigs you should see how I am ill go to great lenths to get a cigeratte I even dig in the ashtray for butts and look on the ground at my house ....... But thats another problem for another day. I can understand that when you go threw somthing and get past it and someome else is going threw what you went threw and you see it so clearly and to you they just dont get it. If they would only do this then they wouldnt have that problem its so easy what is wrong with them. I have been guilty of that myself. Not saying you where being like that at all.
We will see how the weekend goes one day at a time ...... Thanks

imallright

Katiedid... Good for you that you are starting to set boundaries. Remember the boundaries are for YOU and not to control him. Please think about that YOU want out of life and how you want to live. You have a beautiful little baby and it sounds like you are an intelligent woman who is working hard. I know first hand how hard it is to set limits and to stick to your guns. I know what it is like to say " he's a good person when he isn't using". BUT remember, he does use and even if he isn't right now... sounds like the behavior is still present. It is tough not to try to tell the addict what to do in hopes that somehow this will get you what you want. He needs to want to do these things. Otherwise won't last. I am struggling through this right now, so I feel your pain. Take it one day at a time, be strong for you and remember the addiction is HIS issue... how you choose to live your life is YOURS.