firebird

This is my first post. I have been reading threads on this forum for the last couple of weeks, learning and educating myself, and I am hoping you can give me some perspective on my situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years. His drinking has caused and continues to cause problems in our relationship. Although he is not physically abusive when drinking, he can be mean, disrespectful and says things that make me feel bad about myself. In the last 3 years, he has pulled himself together to keep a good job and dig himself out of the financial hole he was in. I think this happened in part because I absolutely refused to take on his debt (after previously rescuing him time and time again). So there has been progress, but still he drinks and I have a problem with it. When he drinks (and it's everyday) I feel he is unavailable--hard to have a real conversation with him--and that he is choosing to be buzzed over being with me and participating in our relationship.

I've explained how I feel about things and tried to set some boundaries. I think he has finally realized that I will leave him if the drinking does not stop and he has cut down dramatically on his intake (although it's only been a few days). We've had these "stop drinking" conversations in the past but nothing ever changed for long. I want to believe this time will be different but in the back of my head I don't think it will. Am I being unreasonable or too controlling to want alcohol out of our life? How do I wholeheartedly support his efforts while holding part of myself back so that I won't be so hurt if he goes back to the usual drinking levels?

SugarLily

I know exactly how you feel. I got sick of the rollercoaster feeling of my relationship, one moment things would be amazing, the next rock bottom. The "talk" would happen, then it would be rock bottom again. Next the "talk" accompanied by tears. After a while - when things were good, I would know in my heart that it will fall apart again, I felt I was walking on eggshells.

I don't think you are unreasonable to want alcohol out of your lives. When drunk your man is not "there" for you.

You've been together a long time, who can say. My relationship was volatile so I can't compare. I just wish you well, I hope you can continue where you are and both support each other and communicate.

And I don't think it ever stops hurting when they go back to the bottle.

I really feel for you, especially when you say "makes me feel bad about myself". Thats how I feel, I'm slowly trying to put myself first.

I'm sorry I have no advice.

Barbara52

Welcome.

Your BF knows you view his drinking and has chosen not to stop. The next move is yours. What do you want for your life? Do you want to continue on the roller coaster reacting to his behavior and choices? Do you want something better for your life? You cannot change him or control his choices. You can change your reactions and do control your choices.

What is it you are getting out this relationship?

firebird

Thanks Sugarlily, Barbara.

Not quite sure how to use the quote function, but in answer to your thoughtful questions Barbara. I want stability in my life and my relationship. I want to be a relationship in which both are mentally and emotionally committed. I want to be able to trust that my bf will mean what he says and do what he says. I want to stop second guessing, reading between the lines and smelling his breath when he comes in.

What am I getting out of this relationship? I'm not sure but not much except for anxiety at the moment.

Why don't I leave? Afraid of the emptiness of being on my own, afraid of having to admit that the relationship failed and therefore that I failed, afraid that I haven't tried hard enough or given enough, afraid to admit that these last ten years have been wasted. Hopeful that this time will be different. Whether I can face the fact that he may very well choose the booze over me again, I'm not sure.

peaceteach

Oh, honey, whether he drinks again is HIS to own, not yours. Whether you want to continue being disappointed by him is YOURS to own. Try to not look at it as years wasted, but as valuable lessons learned. That is life--the greatest teacher.

This is a LIFETIME disease, whether he is active or working a program. Do you want alcohol to be a lifetime focus for YOU? Or are there other things in life that you want for yourself?

Kindeyes

You are here. That's a good thing. It sounds like you are at a crossroad and trying to decide what you want and realizing that it's not happening at this point. That's ok. He has the choice to continue drinking or not......you have the choice to stay with him and accept it......or not. I don't think we can tell you which is the right choice for you. Only you can decide that. For me....in dealing with the A's in my life, I've gotten to a point of "I can't take this anymore. I have to do something to stop the pain." Only you know your tolerance level.