tay-lyn

Today has been painful. Thinking about the hurt inflicted on me by my Mom's drinking. Thinking about the hurt I have inflicted on my loved ones with my drinking. Fearful of relapse. Etc., etc.. I've been doing a lot of reading for my recovery and last night before bed I thought, ok, I can try to control my thoughts during the day about the past, but what about when I sleep? I always have vivid dreams. And sure enough, last night I had a dream that knocked me over......see my blog today...if you have 12 hours to spare that is....it's a loooong one.
So today I've had lots of emotion. Lots of sadness. Lots of pain. Cried almost all day so far....it's only 1:30 PM!
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm not feeling bitter or angry. I can't really pinpoint any one feeling. Just lots and lots of emotions falling down my cheeks today.
Guess we all need a good cry now and then.

Toomutch

Tay, I wish there was something I could say to make the pain go away. I have found in my short sobriety time that all my emotions and physical ailments are magnified. That is part of the process because we have been numb for so long. Try talking with your Mom and telling how you feel and the hurt she is causing you. And as far as the hurt you have caused others, that will mend itself as you continue on in recovery.

Rella927

Tay Just a big to you....

And yes the hurting of others does mend with recovery-Toomutch shared...

Anna

Tay,

I think this is good.

I believe it's something we have to go through, in order to move on. I remember being overwhelmed by all the emotions that I had pushed down for so long. It's a good idea to write about it and just simply get through it. You will be stronger for it.

tay-lyn

Good point Anna. In feeling as much pain as I have, earlier I was inclined to turn on the tv and just zone out while the baby slept. Try to refocus, ignore my pain. But...that's never helped in the past. So I decided to just relax a bit and try to let go of the pain instead of ignoring it.
Then when the baby woke up, I gave her a warm bubble bath, played with her toys in the bath and then just sat with her in my arms giving her 500 kisses. That helped a lot!

warrens

Tay

I'm weird in a lot of ways. Just ask M'lady. On second thought, please don't.

One area in which we differ is in our approach to dreams. She hates nightmares. She wakes up totally affected by them and sometimes her state follows her through the day.

I, on the other hand, almost love nightmares. I have wrenching dreams frequently. Movies with characters who have no business being in the same film. People who died 20 years ago with people I've just met. Go figure.

I used to have quite an interest in dream interpretation. After reading Freud, et al in my 20's. I then decided that it wasn't science, it wasn't art, it was stupid to even try. Dreams just are.

In the past decade, I've adopted the belief that dreams are mental floss. Subconscious housecleaning that really needs to be done. Stuff far to ridiculous and impossible to do while awake. So, I say when I lay me down to sleep. Let it rip! Where are we going tonight? Just make sure it's warm and there is a woman, OK?

Seriously, I believe that such "nightmares" are a necessary and very effective way of dealing with those issues beyond our comprehension. We get to do and experience stuff that normal life doesn't allow. We can make amends to those who no longer live or are no longer part of our lives. We can relive, and sometimes "change" the way things went down 20 years or more ago. We can expeience what terrorized us as children.

I'm sure this can't work for everyone. But I do believe in what Dr. Wayne Dyeer says: "When you CHANGE the way you look at things, the things you look at change." I kinda changed the way I look at nightmares. They're cool.

warrens

stone

I woke up depressed from my dreams today too. I also think it might be your mind working through stuff, so the dreams can be a positive thing.
I like what you said about not zoning out but sitting with the pain and letting it go.

Dee74

Early sobriety was a bugger for that for me. I put it down to actually feeling for the first time in I don't know how long.

It got better for me as I went along, anyway...

D

6yAng

Hi Tay-lyn
I've only been sober since the 4th of February so it hasn't been long for me either. I do know that I have been fighting off tears since yesterday. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I'm not menopausel yet and I never had pms like that before. Maybe it's because I'm sober. I left work today, I couldn't be there in this state. And I feel the way you do, I can't put a finger on it either. I don't think I had any nightmares though. There are great things happening in my life right now so I should be jumping for joy, not crying. I'm with you for whatever it's worth. You're on the northern side of the continent and I'm in the middle, but we're crying together. Hang in there, I'm trying too.

wooforever

A good cry is your body telling you need to clean out the brain.

I hear a good cry is always good, not to hold it in. Try doing this every day Look in the mirror and say today will be a good day. Smile.

nogard

When I was going through painful times a member told me that its ok to look back but don't stare. That helped to do what I needed to and move one.

Kevin

353

This sounds very familiar to me. I was always caught in the middle, holding resentments for what others had done to me and hoping for forgiveness from those I had wronged.

Nothing ever got better until I started forgiving people for being human and making amends for what I'd done to others.

My program is about me, I have no control over what other people do but I can forgive and I can make amends. The program of AA has taught me that and it works, seems like I've lived my whole life backwards.

God's Peace

Freedom1990

A good cry is just what we need sometimes. I medicated my pain for so many years, and all that came bubbling to the surface when I got clean/sober. Tears are for the soul what soap is for the body

Hang in there, and I will keep you in my prayers!

Missymae737

Tay-lyn,

My heart goes out to you...

Emotional pain is very intense, and can produce feelings of fear and dismay...When newly sober this process is ten-fold...

I know the last thing I wanted to hear is through this you, will become a stronger person...I have to tell you this was so true in my case...

You are doing the right thing by coming here and reaching out for support...Your friends here will carry you through the hurt with encouragement and wisdom...

Thinking of you...

1963comet

I have had issues with my past also. This is what I read today.

Better to concentrate on what I am doing today rather than on what I did or did not do yesteryear.

And the past is not going to get any better. I cannot rewrite history and change was has already happen.

I am going to put more money down on what can yet be made to happen than on what has already happen.

This came from Smart recovery on putting the past behind you.

Thought it might help you.

tay-lyn

Thanks to everyone for the support today. It was a long day! I'm feeling quite exhausted. The baby is ready for bed so I'm hittin the hay too! I've also had the flu for the last three days, so I'm feeling frustrated as well. Everything all together today made for a long, drawn out emotional day.
But I tell ya! It sure does lift the spirits to have so many friends and so much support.
Thanks again to to everyone for taking the time to send me your thoughts.
Tay.
Wow, 38 days today. Can't believe it. I couldn't have done it without all this great support!
:ghug2

parentrecovers

your baby is so lucky to have a sober mom today, tay-lyn.

one day at a time, k

Missymae737

Tay,

How are you doing today?

Thinking of you...

warrens

Hey lady!

Happy 39! Hope you are having a great day. I and others love when you leave us something to read. You give as much or more than you ask for.

Hug the baby! He or she has one incredible mother.

Peace and Serenity,

warrens

Anna

Hi Tay,

How are you doing today?

I hope you check in and let us know how it's going.