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Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
New to this side
I have posted on the F&F of Alcoholics board for a couple of years now as I broke free of my second husband. He was an active alcoholic during our marriage but mostly he was functional. He always had a good job and whatnot. It's been a hard road but I have made lots of progress since the end of our relationship.
This weekend I went to visit a distant city and thought I'd look up my first husband, the father of my child. We haven't seen each other for years now and I knew that things were not going well for him. He hasn't had a car in years, but he has lived in the same apartment, had a gf, worked sporadically. He hadn't given me child support in years but he called our child regularly and cared about his life so I just bore it.
Well, I was shocked. He was living in a place that was one step away from homelessness - a terrible apartment building in a terrible area of town. It was just a room with a bathroom, really. No kitchen. He was clearly lonely and a little crazy - talking to his cats in a weird way that even a cat lover like me found strange. The most shocking part was that he was emaciated - he looked like an AIDS victim. His cheeks were sunken and he weighs the same as me even thought he's five inches taller.
I could only stay and visit for 45 minutes because I was so shocked. For some reason I pretended I was not shocked because I was afraid to hurt his feelings - he's so fragile. He was clearly jealous of my life. I tried to play it down but my life is a paradise in comparison. Of course I worked my little tush off to get it. He works hard but ends up spinning his wheels and getting nowhere - that's been his story for his entire adult life.
He can't seem to get it together. He is 40 and has never really had any kind of career, never made anything of his life. He drank 1/2 a bottle of wine while I was there, smoked weed, chain smoked cigs, talked about snorting coke and "sometimes a little heroin" like it was normal. He talked about feeling terrible when he did drugs but not being ready to give it up. He said he'd never have come to the city he lives in if he knew he was going to end up like this.
He offered to let me crash with him, offered me pop tarts, and offered me sex if I wanted (um, no thanks). He was desperate for me to stay but I couldn't. I left him there and drove back to the posh hotel I was staying in. I felt so sad for him, so bad. How could a nice young man from a nice suburban home end up a crazy street person? This is the father of my child?
I did something I should not have done - I called his mother who has plenty of problems of her own and told her the state in which I had found him. I probably sent her into a codie spiral - I just haven't been able to put him out of my mind. I remember him as he was when we were together almost 20 years ago - young, vigorous, healthy, smart - lazy *smile* but not a bad guy.
I just had to put this out there in the universe - my ex-husband is broken. I know the deal - it's his own doing and he is not beyond redemption. But it hurts so much to see the damage he's done to himself and I know that unless he changes drastically he hasn't many years left on this earth. Whether he's skinny from AIDS or just from hard living, he can't go on like that for long. God bless him and have mercy on him. I am so sorry.
This weekend I went to visit a distant city and thought I'd look up my first husband, the father of my child. We haven't seen each other for years now and I knew that things were not going well for him. He hasn't had a car in years, but he has lived in the same apartment, had a gf, worked sporadically. He hadn't given me child support in years but he called our child regularly and cared about his life so I just bore it.
Well, I was shocked. He was living in a place that was one step away from homelessness - a terrible apartment building in a terrible area of town. It was just a room with a bathroom, really. No kitchen. He was clearly lonely and a little crazy - talking to his cats in a weird way that even a cat lover like me found strange. The most shocking part was that he was emaciated - he looked like an AIDS victim. His cheeks were sunken and he weighs the same as me even thought he's five inches taller.
I could only stay and visit for 45 minutes because I was so shocked. For some reason I pretended I was not shocked because I was afraid to hurt his feelings - he's so fragile. He was clearly jealous of my life. I tried to play it down but my life is a paradise in comparison. Of course I worked my little tush off to get it. He works hard but ends up spinning his wheels and getting nowhere - that's been his story for his entire adult life.
He can't seem to get it together. He is 40 and has never really had any kind of career, never made anything of his life. He drank 1/2 a bottle of wine while I was there, smoked weed, chain smoked cigs, talked about snorting coke and "sometimes a little heroin" like it was normal. He talked about feeling terrible when he did drugs but not being ready to give it up. He said he'd never have come to the city he lives in if he knew he was going to end up like this.
He offered to let me crash with him, offered me pop tarts, and offered me sex if I wanted (um, no thanks). He was desperate for me to stay but I couldn't. I left him there and drove back to the posh hotel I was staying in. I felt so sad for him, so bad. How could a nice young man from a nice suburban home end up a crazy street person? This is the father of my child?
I did something I should not have done - I called his mother who has plenty of problems of her own and told her the state in which I had found him. I probably sent her into a codie spiral - I just haven't been able to put him out of my mind. I remember him as he was when we were together almost 20 years ago - young, vigorous, healthy, smart - lazy *smile* but not a bad guy.
I just had to put this out there in the universe - my ex-husband is broken. I know the deal - it's his own doing and he is not beyond redemption. But it hurts so much to see the damage he's done to himself and I know that unless he changes drastically he hasn't many years left on this earth. Whether he's skinny from AIDS or just from hard living, he can't go on like that for long. God bless him and have mercy on him. I am so sorry.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
((((WantsOut)))))
What you witnessed was addiction ... the cold, hard facts of addiction.
I'm sorry for your ex and I'm sorry you had to see it. When I see situations like that, I try to make my gratitude kick in even more and remember to be thankful for every good thing about my life. And pray for the ones who can't seem to pull themselves out of their pit.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
What you witnessed was addiction ... the cold, hard facts of addiction.
I'm sorry for your ex and I'm sorry you had to see it. When I see situations like that, I try to make my gratitude kick in even more and remember to be thankful for every good thing about my life. And pray for the ones who can't seem to pull themselves out of their pit.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
What you described is a mirror image of my first boyfriend and thankfully I haven't actually seen him this way. It would probably break my heart if I did. I haven't seen him in probably 15 years or so, am married for 24 years now, but he has a younger brother (Dave) that stays in touch with me. We all kind of grew up together. Dave travels through my area so we meet up for breakfast, lunch, or dinner when we can.
We were each others 'first' and together for four years before trauma and tragedy tore us apart. We were too young to handle the heavy load life threw at us at 120 mph. Both of us started falling apart almost immediately, but within a few years I decided I wasn't going to let tragedy define me, I would define it.
Anyway, after the last conversation about my old BF, I told my husband I'll be damned if I let our AD turn out like that. I wasn't talking about trying to stop her from her falling, I meant my enabler status preventing that.
At the same time I was feeling sorrow for a lost love, my spine was getting steely towards my AD. It was the wake up call I needed. I remembered my old BF's dad was an alcoholic and eventually committed suicide. How everyone in his family covered up for him all the time.
WantsOut, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry too.
We were each others 'first' and together for four years before trauma and tragedy tore us apart. We were too young to handle the heavy load life threw at us at 120 mph. Both of us started falling apart almost immediately, but within a few years I decided I wasn't going to let tragedy define me, I would define it.
Anyway, after the last conversation about my old BF, I told my husband I'll be damned if I let our AD turn out like that. I wasn't talking about trying to stop her from her falling, I meant my enabler status preventing that.
At the same time I was feeling sorrow for a lost love, my spine was getting steely towards my AD. It was the wake up call I needed. I remembered my old BF's dad was an alcoholic and eventually committed suicide. How everyone in his family covered up for him all the time.
WantsOut, thank you for sharing and I'm sorry too.
Becoming a Butterfly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Thank you everyone for your support. As sad as I am for him, I've decided to put it away. There is nothing I can do for him. He needs to find his own way home and no one can do it for him. The kindest thing I can do is take good care of his son and do what I can to see him grow into a productive man. He is a good kid and I think he'll make it.
Thank you again for all your support. It is comforting to have my pain understood.
Thank you again for all your support. It is comforting to have my pain understood.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
This is what I see in my x now. He's emaciated. He was always skinny, but he looks like he's 90 years old. It's absolutely pitiful.
What a terrible shame that he let all this happen to him. Bright man, educated, funny and talented. All for getting high on oxycontin pain killers that ruined his life.
I don't communicate with him any more. Seeing him in the condition he's in is really hard. But, I didn't cause it and I can't fix it.
What a terrible shame that he let all this happen to him. Bright man, educated, funny and talented. All for getting high on oxycontin pain killers that ruined his life.
I don't communicate with him any more. Seeing him in the condition he's in is really hard. But, I didn't cause it and I can't fix it.
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