Shivaya

Hello All. Just thought I'd share what's been going on in my world.

I continue to see a therapist as well as alanon mtgs., and lots of reading!

My AH has made some very positive changes. He has taken over the finances, which I had been asking him to do for so very long. He seems to be making progress on managing our finances better than I did. He still has the "other" acct. that I have no access to, but I am choosing to live with that for now.....

He is not working a program, although he is taking steps to get a referral to a counselor. He has not had anything to drink for over a week.

I have acknowledged that he is making great efforts, and hope that he keeps it up. I can see our family functioning so much better when he is not under the influence, but not sure if he can see it through his "denial" glasses.

I have, however, made it very clear to him that I will not continue to live with someone that drinks. Period. I can't and won't take it anymore.

So here's the thing.......not looking for answers......just getting my thoughts out.....I have made it clear that I cannot be around him if he continues to drink. He is not working a program. He does not think he has a problem. He has not had a drink in over a week. We have been here before, or shall I say he has been here before (the not drinking for a while), but I have not been where I am right now (ready to file for legal separation). I know in my heart that he will drink again, unless he admits his problem and seeks help.

So.....here's the big question(s): Do I file for legal separation now, let him work his recovery out on his own. Or, do I wait until he picks up a bottle again and then file? Do I want to be around if/when/while he works on his recovery, or do I want to be in a separate house?

We have a long journey ahead. I'm not expecting answers to the above-questions, I know I have to figure it out for myself.

Thanks for listening.

Shivaya

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"

Shivaya

Thanks Anvilhead.

If my AH drinks next Tuesday, I am asking him to leave (he has somewhere to go), and I am filing for legal separation. I do have places I can go with the children if he will not leave (although I'm sure he would leave).

I am standing firm. This is what is best for my children and I. I have no doubt that I do not want to be around someone who urinates on the floors in his own home b/c he's so drunk, passes out almost nightly, prefers to be in the garage drinking all night rather than spending time with his family, prefers to drink rather than being intimate with his wife, prefers to drink rather than deal with any emotions whatsoever.

Yeah, I'm done.

Shivaya

LaTeeDa

I think another thing that's good to be clear on (at least with yourself) is what you will do if he then decides to quit drinking again. I've seen so many stories on this board about going back, only to find it got worse than before. When I kicked my husband out, I let him know that even if he made changes, I wouldn't even consider him moving back in for at least six months. I told him I needed at least that long to sort out my own feelings and come to my own decisions. And I also reserved the right to extend that time period if I felt I wasn't ready to make a decision.

So, what I'm trying to say is many times the A will try to "do what you want them to" in order to get the situation back to the status quo. Just try to be prepared for that.



L

FormerDoormat

How about on Wednesday?:rof Sorry, could resist.

Mair

Hi Shivaya

Im glad you have made a decision on where you want to be. But what if he stops drinking for weeks on end with no program can you live with a dry drunk? Mine did this once, he was unbearable after 2 weeks and i felt even more trapped. Needless to say it only lasted 3 weeks before it was back to the wet drunk.
Most important thing is for you and the kids to do whatever it takes to make your family life a happy one with or without him.

Mair xx

Shivaya

Aahhhhhhh, I love a sense of humor. And I love being able to laugh in light of the circumstances!

Thank you!

Shivaya

Barbara52

It sounds to me as if you are thinking and plannning. Good for you. I hope you stay strong and the road to recovery includes both of you working together.

Shivaya

I've seen the term "dry drunk" here before, never realized or asked what it meant, even though I have lived with a dry drunk/wet drunk for nearly 20 years.

Yes, we've been through periods where he would not drink, ususally because he went so overboard that he literally was so sick his body could not take any more alcohol. But alas, he always goes back to drinking, moderately to begin with, and then out of control.

I think I need to clarify with my AH......I don't want him around unless he is working a program.

I knew there was a reason I posted here today. Thanks for helping me realize I need to be more clear on what I actually want.

Shivaya

hope2bhappy

You are right on target. Be specific. Good luck.

Cindi R

Just wondering why at this time you have decided that it's time to relinquish control of the checkbook?
Personally, I think I'd be taking control and stashing away some in my own account that he had no access to...in case I had to make a sudden exit.

denny57

I personally would worry about him transferring all of my money into that separate account.

Shivaya

Good question.....I have been asking him for about 10 years now, to take over the responsibility of paying the bills/managing our finances. I have done a good job of getting things paid on time, but I've not managed to save any $ or develop a budget (I could give all kinds of excuses as to why I've not saved/created budget, but it would be useless at this time).

So.........back in early February when I decided to finally put my foot down about what is acceptable to me in our relationship, he finally decided to take over the finances. I am a SAHM, so he brings in all the money, and I really felt like I had to let him do this, since I'd been asking him to for years. Now, the timing is no good, I see that. And I don't truly have a problem with him taking over the finances, but, yes, I do have a problem with the separate acct.

At this point, I am choosing to not make a big deal about the acct. as long as I have $ to buy groceries, take care of the kids needs, etc. I am taking it one day at a time........

Do I wish I would have set some $ aside in the past, while I had full control and could have done anything with our $ (he would have never known!)? Absolutely! But, those days are over now, and I have to live with what I have....

Thank you for your concern, and for pointing this out.

Shivaya

Shivaya

Thanks Denny. Unfortunately, it's not my money, and he can do whatever he wants with his money.

But....if I were to file for legal separation/divorce, then of course I would get child support and alimony, and I'd have to get a job, which I am prepared to do (just have to find an employer that will allow me to take my 3yr. old to work, teaching/day care).

Appreciate your thoughts Denny.

Shivaya

denny57

You live in California, a community property state. I am not an attorney, so I'd suggest talking to one - most will talk to you for an hour for free.

I am getting divorced in California and I can tell you, yes HALF OF THAT MONEY IS YOURS WHETHER HE IS THE ONE EARNING IT OR NOT. I don't mean to yell but, believe me, AH did not accept this concept and did everything he could to hide, manipulate, spend, etc. The sooner you protect yourself, in my opinion, the better.

Why do you think it is his money?

((()))

Shivaya

Hi Denny,
I've been told by our bank manager that he can open as many accounts as he likes, in his name, with his paychecks, and without his spouse having any access to this money.

I have not spoken to an atty. at this point, and it certainly would be to my benefit to find out what rights I have......

I guess I've just accepted the fact that both my AH and bank mgr. have told me the same thing. It's his paycheck, he can do whatever he wants with it. I do know that so far I've been able to grocery shop and buy necessary items for the kids and I.

I feel that it is totally unnecessary for him to have a separate acct., even if he is transferring $ over to our joint account. I'm just choosing my battles here, and am going to let things go as they are until/if/when something changes......

Thanks for your input. I am here b/c I need help, and I value all of your opinions, whether they are cheerful, blunt, yelling, laughing!

Shivaya

denny57

I've pm'd you.

My concern is in not choosing this particular battle, the war could be lost. It will be much more expensive to go after the money you deserve when he decides (and it's my personal belief he will) that it is ALL his.

I have fought this battle. It took 2 years and a lot of money. I won, but the cost was high.

((()))

FormerDoormat

When I decided to take control of my life that also included taking control of my financial future. So I set about educating myself about financial planning and investing (I've always been a pro at budgeting). Along these lines, I read many books on finances/investing. The book, "Women and Money" by Suzie Ormand might be a good starting place for you. It's easy to read and understand and a good stepping stone to more detailed books on the subject. Plus, I really like her sense of humor. Why don't you pick up a copy?

I would think twice about having your husband take responsibility for paying the bills. In my experience, alcoholics are irresponsible with their finances. I no longer give my power away to others and I don't leave my financial future in somebody else's hands.

After 10 years of asking your husband to take responsibility for paying the bills, you may inadvertently be more interested in winning the argument than in protecting your financial future. The important thing here is not winning; it's protecting your assets.

FormerDoormat

When I decided to take control of my life that also included taking control of my financial future. So I set about educating myself about financial planning and investing (I've always been a pro at budgeting). Along these lines, I read many books on finances/investing. The book, "Women and Money" by Suzie Ormand might be a good starting place for you. It's easy to read and understand and a good stepping stone to more detailed books on the subject. Plus, I really like her sense of humor. Why don't you pick up a copy?

I would think twice about having your husband take responsibility for paying the bills. In my experience, alcoholics are irresponsible with their finances. I no longer give my power away to others and I don't leave my financial future in somebody else's hands.

After 10 years of asking him to take responsibility for paying the bills, you may inadvertently be more interested in winning the argument than in protecting your financial future. The important thing here is not winning; it's protecting your assets.

Shivaya

Thanks formerdoormat for the book suggestion and your comments. Lots for me to think about.............

Shivaya