TDinATL

Hi All,

Some of you might be familiar with my saga, here's the latest twist.

My STBXAW sent me a text a few days ago saying somethig to the effect of forgiving each other is all we could do now so the healing can begin.

I sat on it for a day or two then I bit... I sent her an email. I started the email by saying I was hesitant in writing as I didn't want to open a dialog on what went wrong with us. I told her I'd forgiven her for anything she ever did and then mentioned to her that my healing was not based on her forgiving anything about me. (mistake?)

Welllll... I received about 4 long emails from her after that. Mentioning how I'd never forgiven her mistakes and in the same sentence bringing up things I said 4,5 or 6 years ago.

In short, she's hurting and confused now and I hate to see that. I don't want to be with her anymore but I still don't want her to hurt. However, the things that she mentions bothering her seem almost insane to me - I don't mean that bad at all, I mean that in all seriousness. But she apparently feels they are real and it's she's hurting from them.

I KNOW if I open communication that there will be problems. She still doesn't see that she needs help and things are still all my fault. I think one reason it bothers me is that I know the things that are hurting her are mostly inside her and are based on her perceptions of the world around her. Again, you can't help someone who doesn't want help or even think they need help.

Just venting this out here, it helps me to stay strong in NOT trying to pacify her.... again.

Barbara52

If you don't want the pain from her emails, don't open them. I don't see anything to be accomplished by reading them and certainly not from enagaging in any conversation about it.

CatsPajamas

(( TD))

This is a difficult time for both of you. I remember the verbal vomit emails, where every issue that we ever had (and a few we didnt) were spewed all over me. The first time I gave it a lot of attention and I read every word... wondering, analyzing, rebutting etc.

THEN I realized I was just being drawn back into the drama. What I have learned is that our As have an incredible amount of pain inside of them. When they are alone, whether it's by separation, jail, treatment, etc - that's the time that their issues start to be JUST theirs. They can no longer create a side show or drama to get the focus back off of them. Pretty scary stuff !

Stay strong. It might be good to step up your meetings if you can. It helped me.

Hugs
Barb

TDinATL

Thanks, you are both very right. I'm just asking for trouble if I keep it up.

Kindeyes

You aren't a sucker by any means. You are a kind person who doesn't like to see another person in pain. An A will use every trick in their book to get you to take some of that pain away from them. Unfortunately, they need to feel it in order to recognize that they have a problem.

My A son is hurting and confused right now too.......and it will hurt me if I let it. I just keep telling myself that he needs to feel the pain. He needs to handle his problems HIS WAY and take accountability for the result. He asked for my advice on something yesterday (related to his dui). I explained that I couldn't advise him because then the outcome is my fault. There were two choices he could make and he needed to make the decision. Not me. This stuff is really hard to do. It takes a lot of practice and I screw it up all the time. The great thing is I recognize now when I screw up.......I use to be totally oblivious to my role in his drama.

Angelus

Don't get pulled back in. I know how hard it is when someone is in pain but it's like a nonprofessional jumping in the ocean to help a drowning person, they're liable to pull you down with them

SHERRYL

You say you want out of this relationship, and the only way to do that is no contact, sweetie, take it from one who has been there. Change your e-mail, your cell phone, hell move if you have to, save yourself from the pain of any form of communication with her. You did not cause her drinking, you cannot cure it or control it. If you are anything like the rest of us, you are more addicted to the drama than she is to the drinking. I have even found that I can not even converse about this person with other people, it sets me off just the same as if I was still connected to her. Keep coming back here to post, go to alanon, get some counseling, take care of you. Alcoholics are famous for blaming everyone else for their life circumstances that they created, it is sooooo crazy, One thing I finally learned is crazy people will make us crazy 100% of the time. When I see crazy now, I cross the street!!!!!!!!!! I am free, you can be to, but not as long as you are connected in any way to her. Stay strong, hands off the addict!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Growing

I agree with CatsP...Kindeyes...Angelus and Sherryl...all great posts by the way...

"In short, she's hurting and confused now and I hate to see that. I don't want to be with her anymore but I still don't want her to hurt. However, the things that she mentions bothering her seem almost insane to me - I don't mean that bad at all, I mean that in all seriousness. But she apparently feels they are real and it's she's hurting from them."

I hate to say it...but this "hurting" however real or imagined...is part of the drama and choas...that you didn't cause....can't cure or control.

really_fed_up

I'm so sorry ,TDinATL. I think she's still in total denial and you are right, opening the lines of communication further will cause more problems. I made that mistake recently with my AS, and now there's another tornado of issues whirling around our family. You're doing the right thing. Be strong.

Pick-a-name

I'm afraid I was in so much pain that I was just as bad,if not worse than he was. No wonder I believed it when he told me I was the one "with the problem"...truth is?/was we both had our own issues and really knew how to push the other's buttons.

One thing that I think I've finally seen through working on myself while trying to detatch what is not mine is what all of you have helped teach me. I do not have to engage in the craziness....it only stirs the pot. And also,the A is left to hold his own mess and maybe will even get the opportunity to see it for what it is,in the process. I did not like being his ready-made excuse for drinking,etc. but that is what I played into by trying to have "meaningful conversation" with someone who wasn't really interested in hearing what I had to say. Took me a long time to see the insanity of what I was doing. I still thought or wanted to believe my exAH was the guy he had been who would talk things over and we'd compromise. That version of him wanted to..........the man who he has becomes doesn't. I didn't want to believe that,so I kept giving him a chance to show me he was back to his "old self" and each time it was a terrible shock and hurt to ME. You know what they say about insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Yup; I was insane. Hope I am starting to understand that and protect myself from allowing myself to be hurt over and over again by inviting it instead of walking past those times I can choose to engage or ignore.

((TD)) sorry you are hurting.......it DOES hurt. I'm glad you are here and discussing it,though. I hope it helps you;it has helped me today,so thanks to you (and the other great posts) for that.

TDinATL

Thanks All, I haven't posted in a bit - I'm going to put an update in a new thread.