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I really really need help!!!!!

Old 03-04-2008, 01:07 AM
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I really really need help!!!!!

Hi I'm new to this site, but its something i really need. I have been a heavy user of cannabis for about 7yrs now but only today decided to try and quit , Its really hard for me to cope with life as i was diagnosed with a Brain tumour at 16yrs old which i luckily came out of well... so i thought.
It was what was to come what destroyed me as i was pulled out of education and became very isolated. Only a month after that i was told my knee had no chance of recovery and is now arthritic, then i was to discover i had epilepsy and cancer from the tumour, being someone who was very fit and had a life devoted to sport meant that a huge part of my life had been taken away from me as well as the effects of isolation through my Brain operation. In the space of jsut 3 months i lost my Nan,routine,social life,confidence and all the things i loved most when it came to enjoyment. Cannabis was my solution to the pure boredom and depression, It really helped pass the time but always had me looking back at the past and wishing and remembering. It really harmed me making my depression so much worst, huge arguments started occurring in the house with the rest of my family, I eventually tried to kill myself swalling about 200 paractemols leaving me in hospital for about 2 weeks. My family had enough of me after 5 yrs of not working and just smoking cannabis everyday, they kicked me out of their house and i was on the street. I managed to get help and i was placed in a ymca bedsit where my use of cannabis increased. I had enough of it all ,life loneliness,hatred of myself and constant suicidal thoughts.
I decided enough is enough and made a brave decision in getting away and went to Ibiza by myself without any knowledge of the place and who was there.
I went there to get away from smoking and feeling lonely and isolated, and i managed to get a job and moved into an apartment with 3 other really nice people.Stupidly i started doing other drugs for the first time eg Ectasy,ketamine,cocaine,LSD,Speed. Because i was having a great time in Ibiza i thought i might of got better, I didnt at all as when i got back i was extremely down and was back in the real world again where i would be on my own for months without a single friend to even call. I started smoking again and when ever i did go out with an old friend i would always want some Cocaine for the occasion. I learnt bad things in Ibiza but i am going back for another 4 months as its what gets me through the boredem, the thoughts of a brighter and better place with a constant social life i so need as i am very sociable with people. I don't do cocaine loads but i wonder about my personality and how addictive i can get to things, as i take alot of what i like eg foods,music etc. When i do Cocaine i am left extremely depressed afterwards feeling worst than ever always wishing i never did drugs, but i can't stop. To me drugs can be my escape from this horrible life i live and find it impossible to improve, i did give it all up for a month but still found myself on my own and with no hope of anything going for me.
I lack self-control alot and am very bitter about my past so its very hard to look on the bright side of life, so why not take drugs? Thats my problem.

I'm thinking all the time about killing myself, I dont know if i'm addicted to cocaine but get very down when on it and always want it if i go out socially, I give up trying to quit Cannabis easily when its so tough trying to get through every boring lonely and depressing day sober. I can't see a future and i am ashamed of who i am and what i'v become, i get anxiety problems where i actually speak aloud my suicidal thoughts, The thought that i can get away back to Ibiza can really help me but there is a massive drug culture out there where its impossible to avoid as its pretty much part of the experience.

I don't know how anyone can help but i really need some.

PS sorry for the boring long discription of my non-exciting life

Last edited by Tony barrett; 03-04-2008 at 01:22 AM.
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Old 03-04-2008, 02:28 AM
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Hi and welcome Tony.

I used to have a chronic cannabis habit, for about 10 years, I did other drugs and drank too but it was the pot that I leant on to get me through the day. It became my way of coping with life. It led to some severe anxiety and depression issues for me, especially when I quit. I had a kind of anxiety breakdown and started drinking everyday sometime after that. Then I became an alcoholic.
Really, I am one of those people that had mental problems anyway and should never have done ANY drugs at all. They stunted my emotional growth and ability to cope.

So I think I understand some of where you are coming from.

Can you talk to your Doctor about how you are feeling?

Do you want to try and stop doing drugs?
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Old 03-04-2008, 02:45 AM
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Originally Posted by stone View Post
Hi and welcome Tony.

I used to have a chronic cannabis habit, for about 10 years, I did other drugs and drank too but it was the pot that I leant on to get me through the day. It became my way of coping with life. It led to some severe anxiety and depression issues for me, especially when I quit. I had a kind of anxiety breakdown and started drinking everyday sometime after that. Then I became an alcoholic.
Really, I am one of those people that had mental problems anyway and should never have done ANY drugs at all. They stunted my emotional growth and ability to cope.

So I think I understand some of where you are coming from.

Can you talk to your Doctor about how you are feeling?

Do you want to try and stop doing drugs?
Yes i would really like to stop, i am giving up weed today but know those days ahead can get very tempting. I have gone to my doctor but on every occasion been given either sleeping tablets or anti-depressants which have never helped me or made me feel any better. Its my fault for all this mess and i can't tell my gp what is said on here, my GP is a close friend to my family.
You mention how it stunted your emotional growth, how and in what ways as i would like to know if what goes on in my head is just me or something that can be helped!.
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Old 03-04-2008, 03:06 AM
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Whether the mess is your fault or not doesn't matter IMO, what matters is getting out of the mess or dealing with it.

How about changing Doctors if you feel you can't tell him the truth?

As for your question, by going and getting stoned in order to 'cope' I never learned how to cope. That is what stunted my emotional growth. I used drugs to hide away from life, I carried that on when I started to drink heavily too. We grow emotionally by going through experiences and learning from them, I didnt learn anything, I just ignored problems and pain.
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Old 03-04-2008, 03:54 AM
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Hi Tony and welcome and amen to what Stone said.

Is there any group you could get in touch with in Brighton? I spent a lot of time down there once upon a time and if there's one thing there's no shortage of there its people with drug and alcohol problems... You will need all the sober support you can get in the near future, while you rebuild your social and emotional life. You can do it, no matter how grim things look right now. But if you go back to Ibiza right now, you will end up doing a ton of drugs again, it's almost 100% certain.

Keep posting.
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Old 03-04-2008, 09:54 AM
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I know what you mean nolonger and its very important for me to get out of this mess, its very hard for me not to go to Ibiza this comming summer as its a place where i'm popular and have a routine of work and happiness. The temptations of drugs is the big problem, i feel though i need to stay away from 2 drugs especially and they are coke and weed. I have to be strong while out there, I reckon i'd be ok as long as i kept away from the drugs i take and like most as long as the quitting starts now. I used to take alot of pills but really hate them now because of the come-down, i have done acid only a couple of times and if to do again only once, never really liked speed so if i'm out there i think if i try to stay away from Weed and coke i might have a chance of gettin better. It was whenn i was actually out there when i realised i was somene who didn't need drugs and someone who can just appreciate the natural side of life i.e company,nature,culture,music etc and it gave me alot less value for the drugs i was taking out there. Going to Ibiza for me did give me some lust for life and the value for routine, it increased my social life back in England and gave me something to look forward to considering i was always looking back all the time before i went out there, since i have been back i have attended voluntery work for understanding of mental depressionand hope one day hope to be restored mentally.

I still am really isolated though and find it hard building my confidence. I'm 22 and almost bold, that alone really hurts, everytime you think about meeting up with old friends it really worries me to think how different i must look and how people could start tagging Me with words such as boldey and slap-head at such a young age. Today is my first day without weed and with this site being here gives me more reason to quit after reading other peoples problems and stories. I know what happens in Ibiza isn't all good but Ibiza is not a lifestyle its a seaon meaning it will end no matter what, and if i stay off the drugs i can get addicted to im sure i would come back not taking the drugs i was taking out there as the experience is over, Ketamine was taken alot out there and i'v not done it once since back and have never even thought about it, where as its the drugs which fit into life back in England which are the ones i find more tempting and comforting, thats why i really wanna give them up more than anything before i get to Ibiza.
I feel it would be personality bulding if i go and and say no to the wrongs, Drugs are in your face just as much in Brighton when going out its impossible o avoid them, if i can do Ibiza i know i can do it in England.

What do you think? could this be a solution that dosen't mean sitting in a bed-sit wishing i was somewhere else all through the summer? or could it be me hiding and avoiding the problem?
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Old 03-04-2008, 12:45 PM
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Hi Tony, You're right - you can't run away from drugs - they'll always be kicking around somewhere for you to pick them up. I can't really say what's best for you to do. But going to Ibiza to only do some drugs not others sounds like a risky kind of strategy.
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Old 03-04-2008, 01:02 PM
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Hi Tony;
I'm new to sobriety/recovery myself, so I don't really have any advice to give. But I wanted to reach out and say welcome. You're in the right spot. There are a lot of friends here who can relate with your situation and are willing to listen and will try to help you out.
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Old 03-04-2008, 01:05 PM
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Welcome Tony. A few pot smokers I know insist that it doesn't mess with their lives and that it isn't addictive. They say "I could quit if I wanted to" but they never do! Cannabis can screw up people's lives just as much as anything else can. Welcome to SR!
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:25 PM
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Just flushed all my THC down the toilet just so i don't get tempted, this will give me more reason not to go back, thanks everyone its very comforting that i can talk to people about my problems when i have no family to tell.
Its a gods gift i found this site and i really hope others find it who go through problems which seem unmendable!
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Old 03-04-2008, 06:30 PM
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Tony, that's a good decision.

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:44 PM
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I still haven't smoked any weed but i'm really feeling down always close to tears.
I'm not at all tempted to get some weed as i'm looking back at smoking with lots of bad and boring memories of what i would do when stoned. But i feel really anxious and guilty, its like im in a bad dream and can't feel positive about anything, will this end?
My days now seem like they begin in hope that they end.
I can't relax watching TV or playing the guitar which i would often do when stoned. Its this horrible feeling in my stomach of a mix of guilt and anxiety which is making everythng so much harder.I know its early but I thought i might have pride in my self if i quit and feel no pride at all in myself. Who am I?, wheres my life going? am i just another down and out is what runs constantly through my head.
Last night i kept waking up every 2 hours from a different nightmare every time, i didn't sleep well at all and woke up in a very bad mood, I feel like the nightmare i had is still effecting me awake.
I'm worried about the next few months and the loneliness i'm gonna face. My friends are all comming back in a couple of weeks for easter from Uni and i'm really looking forward to seeing them but am afraid of quetions like "what have you been up to?"
It hurts even more when they all go back and i'm left with my only friend to see, who is very unsociable and lazy, he enjoys spending his money on things like computers and DVDs so when it comes to going out with him he really lacks conversation and has minimal confidence when talking to strangers, he is a nice person at heart and who i can trust so he is still a mate but going out with him last night really got me down when the reality of my social life smaked me in the face, just me trying to make conversation and when ever i made a joke he would never understand. Why am i not with people like myself? Why is going out with a friend so depressing?. We became mates at school smoking weed and have both now stopped and i think i have realised that might of been all we have in common which has made me even more down.
I'm not feeling good and its starting to worry me alot, shall i kill myself is a constant thought at the moment.
I visited my family today but felt very lonely there, I don't feel welcome, my younger sister said everything possible to upset me about my past because i was sitting in the same room as her while she was watching TV, my parents will never defend any abuse towards me from my brothers and sisters, I love my younger brother more than anything and i always offer help to him with homework, his paperound and any money he might need, i just get told to get lost everytime and have his bedroom door shut on me to let me know.
It really hurt,so i reponded to him telling him its rude to do that to people but it just resulted in my parents comming up and telling me to leave him alone and stop bothering him. I see myself as a waste of space and can't help but feel like a freak, i'm 22 and i have my parents telling me off for bothering my younger brother!, its usually the other way round for any normal person, not me!

I wondering if i am better off with the weed where i would just stay by myself and not bother anyone, it maybe better for me to go back.
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Old 03-05-2008, 03:59 PM
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Tony, I'm sorry things are so rough for you now, but I don't think that going back to smoking is going to help them. It is very hard to face reality, I know, but things just get more screwed up when you do it high or drunk. There are lots of sober people out there who will be your friend, it will just take some time to find them. And maybe your family will start treating you better once you get clean. You could join your friends and go back to school and be one of the people who just come back to town to visit!
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Old 03-05-2008, 04:48 PM
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Tony, also from UK here - here's wee quote to think about...

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

You are going through a very tough period just now - you are not weak or flawed, you just have more pain inside than you can cope with right now...

But the fact that you are here on this forum is good sign, you're a fighter...

How long were you on your anti-depressants? I noticed you said that they didn't work, but remember that taking other drugs on top of them will inrefere with how they work...

I really think you should get to see your doc/ a new doc ASAP - make an appointment tomorrow if you're not doing anything else and spill the beans, even print out what you have posted here to show him/her...

You are not a freak mate, you can get better and loads of people have been through the same as you and can go on to lead normal, happy lives...

You're 22 - believe me, when you get to my age (31), that's young - I wish I was 22 and knew what I know now... you are not beyond redemption, far, far from it...

It's real important that you speak to your doc before immediately stopping any drugs you're taking - you should make that your first priority...

We're all here for you Tony, keep posting and let us know how you're doing...
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Old 03-05-2008, 06:16 PM
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Hi and Welcome....
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Old 03-05-2008, 11:11 PM
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Coming off pot youre probably going to be feeling anxious and down Tony. You arent numbed from it. The inability to relax and focus is normal too.
Guilt is a symptom of depression and so is suicidal thoughts, I really suggest you see your doctor mate, or a new one.
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Old 03-07-2008, 12:23 AM
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Hi i'm still not smoking or even tempted but still much more depressed than usual, I'm considering going to the doctors, if prescribed anti-depressants will i feel any better or do they take a while to start working? i'm really not sure if it would be wise.
I haven't eaten properly since i've stoped smoking weed and i'v been up all day and night and am still awake. This is getting really hard and i'm feeling like the real world without drugs is no better.
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Old 03-07-2008, 03:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Tony barrett View Post
Hi i'm still not smoking or even tempted but still much more depressed than usual, I'm considering going to the doctors, if prescribed anti-depressants will i feel any better or do they take a while to start working? i'm really not sure if it would be wise.
I haven't eaten properly since i've stoped smoking weed and i'v been up all day and night and am still awake. This is getting really hard and i'm feeling like the real world without drugs is no better.
They take a while to start working the way they should, I think it's a couple of weeks before you notice the effects, but your doc will be able to fill you in better.

I have a friend who was just like you - this is going back 8 or so years ago; most others didn't understand his depression and thought he was just attention seeking, talking about suicide all the time, really, really low - he also smoked lots of weed.

After about 3-4 weeks on anti-depressants and ditching weed, everybody noticed the change in him - he got a job, started socialising more, made new friends outside his old network - he went to college in the end, became a chef - he's married now with 2 kids and doing great

He was 23 at the time, round about the same age as you.

Get yourself down to the docs, get something sorted out for your depression - that's priority number 1.

Once you're feeling better, you'll be in a much better position to consider your future - and you'll have new motivation and energy to do it.

The world is waiting for you mate, all you have to do is get the ball rolling.
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