Addicted to Love:
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Addicted to Love:
Taken from the forum below: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...al-matter.html
Is It Love, Sex, or relationship?:
Many of us routinely face the question the title presents. It is not unusual to have a client complain of loving another person who is treating them abusively, being sexual with others, and unaccountable for their actions. The partner in turn complains of feeling bored and predictably will engage in risky behaviors that defy common sense.
After seeing hundreds of clients and looking at patterns of behavior, family of origin relational trauma issues, and addiction problems, it became apparent that early relational trauma sets up dysfunctional adult relational issues. There are two inter-relating issues---one is in the relationship with self and the other is in the relationship with others. The relationship with self presents five primary problems that lead to adult intimacy issues.
*First the client has trouble having a sense of self, spending much of his or her life living in reaction to the object of their affection rather than in action for the self. This is the reality issue; it causes the client to feel empty inside and causes the client to endlessly blame others for how he/she feels emotionally or for what he/she has done.
*Second, the client does not experience inherent worth. He or she gauges his/her sense of value through a process of endless comparison to others, and is too dependent on others to establish either a sense of value or self. This interferes with his/her ability to maturely love others. She generally can hold another person in warm regard only when the other is "behaving properly," or when he/she has created a comfortable fantasy about the other person and uses denial to avoid looking at the other's disturbing behavior.
*Third, the client has no personal boundary system with which to protect and contain himself/herself during intimate exchange. This leads to abusive behavior on her part and involves control and manipulation, raging, ridiculing, lying and/or high tolerance for this type of behavior in a partner.
*The fourth problem involves poor self-care, leading to dependency and interdependency problems in a relationship.
The fifth problem deals with living in the extreme. This is usually exhibited by a lack of moderation in attitude and behavior, which leads to a sense of deadness and/or chaos in a relationship.
Childhood Trauma
It is evident that problems with the "self" lead to intimacy issues. The next question concerns where these problems developed. It appears that childhood trauma sets up several core issues. For example, if a child is not maturely loved by his parents, he will develop self-esteem issues. If he is not protected and taught containment, he will develop boundary problems. If he is forced to do so much adapting, he will lose his sense of self and have trouble being real. If he is not taught to take care of his basic needs and wants, he will have difficulty doing this as an adult. And, if he is severly shamed into containing himself and not taught containment, he will have trouble establishing moderation in his adult life.
Both trauma and core issues drive addictions---be it addiction to substances, processes, or to other people. Trauma, core issues, and addictions create severe relational problems where sex, love and relational matters all seem to become entwined. Knowing where to start is th efirst step in treatment.
The Starting Point---Love Addiction
alcohol or drug addictions should be addressed first and foremost. the client must have the ability to think and feel without a mood altering substance. Subsequently, the primary behavioral addiction to be considered is love addiction. A Love addict has been traumatized in childhood by being neglected or abandoned by either parents. The child who suffers from neglect or abandonment learns three toxic ideas from this trauma.
*In a relationship he is worth less than his partner. This kind of trauma is extremely shaming and relationally he will assume a victimposture allowing his partner to be abusive. He will see the partner as a higher power and will literally worship them--giving him a feeling of helplessness---resulting in a lack of self-esteem. The Love Addict does not esteem himself in the relationship, therefore the partner will often assume a position of disrespect and relate out of duty, not love.
*He needs a partner to take care of him. he believes that he cannot take care of himself and emonstrates poor self-care skills, therefore the partner will feel the Love Addict is a burden.
*If he does not get close enough to the partner he will not survive. This client believes that he cannot leave a partner because if he did---he would die. Therefore, the client will exercise no personal boundaries resulting in the partner feeling suffocated and victimized.
This toxicity drives the obsessive/compulsive relational cycle of love addiction. the cycle starts with the Love Addict constructing a fantasy that the partner is a god or goddess, although denial is used to protect the fantasy. Eventually, an event occurs that destroys the fantasy and the love addict goes into withdrawal from the fantasy. The withdrawal is experienced as severe depression, rage, panic, and toxic shame. The Love Addict will then try to relieve the emotional withdrawal by self-medicating with food, drugs, sexual encounters, smoking, alcohol, or locating another person to become the object of addiction. If the partner returns expressing seductive qualities, the Love Addict will pass out of withdrawal and return to fantasy. As a result, the love addict cycle will begin all over again.
Thank you Pernell Johnson
Is It Love, Sex, or relationship?:
Many of us routinely face the question the title presents. It is not unusual to have a client complain of loving another person who is treating them abusively, being sexual with others, and unaccountable for their actions. The partner in turn complains of feeling bored and predictably will engage in risky behaviors that defy common sense.
After seeing hundreds of clients and looking at patterns of behavior, family of origin relational trauma issues, and addiction problems, it became apparent that early relational trauma sets up dysfunctional adult relational issues. There are two inter-relating issues---one is in the relationship with self and the other is in the relationship with others. The relationship with self presents five primary problems that lead to adult intimacy issues.
*First the client has trouble having a sense of self, spending much of his or her life living in reaction to the object of their affection rather than in action for the self. This is the reality issue; it causes the client to feel empty inside and causes the client to endlessly blame others for how he/she feels emotionally or for what he/she has done.
*Second, the client does not experience inherent worth. He or she gauges his/her sense of value through a process of endless comparison to others, and is too dependent on others to establish either a sense of value or self. This interferes with his/her ability to maturely love others. She generally can hold another person in warm regard only when the other is "behaving properly," or when he/she has created a comfortable fantasy about the other person and uses denial to avoid looking at the other's disturbing behavior.
*Third, the client has no personal boundary system with which to protect and contain himself/herself during intimate exchange. This leads to abusive behavior on her part and involves control and manipulation, raging, ridiculing, lying and/or high tolerance for this type of behavior in a partner.
*The fourth problem involves poor self-care, leading to dependency and interdependency problems in a relationship.
The fifth problem deals with living in the extreme. This is usually exhibited by a lack of moderation in attitude and behavior, which leads to a sense of deadness and/or chaos in a relationship.
Childhood Trauma
It is evident that problems with the "self" lead to intimacy issues. The next question concerns where these problems developed. It appears that childhood trauma sets up several core issues. For example, if a child is not maturely loved by his parents, he will develop self-esteem issues. If he is not protected and taught containment, he will develop boundary problems. If he is forced to do so much adapting, he will lose his sense of self and have trouble being real. If he is not taught to take care of his basic needs and wants, he will have difficulty doing this as an adult. And, if he is severly shamed into containing himself and not taught containment, he will have trouble establishing moderation in his adult life.
Both trauma and core issues drive addictions---be it addiction to substances, processes, or to other people. Trauma, core issues, and addictions create severe relational problems where sex, love and relational matters all seem to become entwined. Knowing where to start is th efirst step in treatment.
The Starting Point---Love Addiction
alcohol or drug addictions should be addressed first and foremost. the client must have the ability to think and feel without a mood altering substance. Subsequently, the primary behavioral addiction to be considered is love addiction. A Love addict has been traumatized in childhood by being neglected or abandoned by either parents. The child who suffers from neglect or abandonment learns three toxic ideas from this trauma.
*In a relationship he is worth less than his partner. This kind of trauma is extremely shaming and relationally he will assume a victimposture allowing his partner to be abusive. He will see the partner as a higher power and will literally worship them--giving him a feeling of helplessness---resulting in a lack of self-esteem. The Love Addict does not esteem himself in the relationship, therefore the partner will often assume a position of disrespect and relate out of duty, not love.
*He needs a partner to take care of him. he believes that he cannot take care of himself and emonstrates poor self-care skills, therefore the partner will feel the Love Addict is a burden.
*If he does not get close enough to the partner he will not survive. This client believes that he cannot leave a partner because if he did---he would die. Therefore, the client will exercise no personal boundaries resulting in the partner feeling suffocated and victimized.
This toxicity drives the obsessive/compulsive relational cycle of love addiction. the cycle starts with the Love Addict constructing a fantasy that the partner is a god or goddess, although denial is used to protect the fantasy. Eventually, an event occurs that destroys the fantasy and the love addict goes into withdrawal from the fantasy. The withdrawal is experienced as severe depression, rage, panic, and toxic shame. The Love Addict will then try to relieve the emotional withdrawal by self-medicating with food, drugs, sexual encounters, smoking, alcohol, or locating another person to become the object of addiction. If the partner returns expressing seductive qualities, the Love Addict will pass out of withdrawal and return to fantasy. As a result, the love addict cycle will begin all over again.
Thank you Pernell Johnson
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Thanks for bringing this back. Pernell Johnson has brought some wonderful readings to this site and this is one of my favourites.
Indeed, I can see the addict in much of what I read, and I can see myself and my unhealthy relationships as well. Whether our addiction is drugs, or loving a person in an unhealthy relationship, this all fits.
Hugs
Indeed, I can see the addict in much of what I read, and I can see myself and my unhealthy relationships as well. Whether our addiction is drugs, or loving a person in an unhealthy relationship, this all fits.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
It helps me to see this again. It is a reminder to me of the crux of my problem. This description certainly nails me to a tee. The 12 steps have been a beginning for me to more fully identify my issues and to learn how to look at life and relationships with realism vs. fantasy. The little girl inside of me so wants the fairy tale and I'll make up all kinds of truths about others (always trying to see them in their best light). I'm having to learn for my first question to be "how do I feel about this?" Foreign concept for me. I've also had to learn what self care is and all that emcompasses (healthy eating, rest, exercise, meetings, having community, etc.). I'm working on the self discipline to maintain my boundaries. As I wake up to all of this I am also having to learn how to best do this without anger, cynicism, and resentment....hard to do!
It helps me to know that I am not doing this alone. I got this way by the ways described above. Instead of sorrow over what was, I pray that I will turn my energy to doing what I need to do to make things different.
Thanks for sharing this - Donna
It helps me to know that I am not doing this alone. I got this way by the ways described above. Instead of sorrow over what was, I pray that I will turn my energy to doing what I need to do to make things different.
Thanks for sharing this - Donna
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