tryintosmile

... instead of continue dying inside!

I know for the first time in the past 12 years that I am really ready to stop being the enabler. Thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom and even the 'tough love' reality of what is really happening. I am only in control of what I do, and not what the alcoholic does. I read an article that stated that many enablers die before 'their alcoholics' do, because the alcoholism takes its toll on them even more. This is a 'sobering' thought. I have been headed towards case in point! Until I actually faced that alcohol was controlling me as much as it was him, I couldn't see past anything.

I have two more months to have to be the enabler, before he moves out. He sees that I am happier now at this prospect. I am doing what he wanted. Instead of selling the house, which he fought me tooth and nail concerning, I found that my sister was looking for a bigger place for her and her family and I jumped on it. He agreed, wholeheartedly, AT FIRST. He thought that he would go off to his own place, continue what he's doing and STILL have me waiting in the wings as his permanent enabler. My sister went ahead and gave her notice where she was living and will move into the other side of our duplex in 2 months (and he will move out). At first, I didn't think I could make it through 2 more months of this insanity, but suddenly a calm came over me, and I knew that I had taken a HUGE step. Now I'm beginning to see it as though I've been in prison and I just have 2 more months to go, until I can be free. I know I have a lot of hard work in front of me but you know what? Not much can be harder than what I've already been through, so I'm looking at it as though it is uphill from here. All those things that have made me scared to lose him, make other things seem a lot less scary!

Now that I am being kind - but firm - he's not so happy about this whole idea. He says 'I'm kicking him out of his own house', but all I say to that is that if he wants to get help to quit drinking and stop womanizing then he is welcome to move in here with me (and that I am NOT kicking him out). Of course I don't want him to, but I need not worry, because he does not want to give up anything he's doing (so I am safe). I would be willing to try that option if he were on board, but he's nowhere near being onboard. He's just afraid, because he can see that I am serious this time.

If there is an up side to all of this, it has to be that there is nowhere to go but up, and that's a pretty refreshing thought! :atv

Barbara52

SOunds like you are moving in a positive direction! Good for you. I know its not easy.

Personally, I wouldn't have made this offer if I didn't mean it. You have left yourself an opening for him to casue you more drama and pain I think.

tryintosmile

I see what you're saying, but in all of the 12 years I've been with him I have never tried to hide his liquor, threaten to do anything with it, force him to quit, give ultimatums, etc. Once thing I've always known is that you can't change another person. I've found out and documented for him every possible way that he could get sober and better, and he expresses interest when he's drunk, but has never followed through on anything. He says he can quit by himself, and actually made a good stab for almost 3 weeks with having just a few beers when a buddy would drop over. Said he felt better than ever, physically, but as soon as something a little stressful happened, it triggered him and he was back full force. I KNOW that he cannot quit on his own, and he won't go for help because he doesn't think he needs to.

I KNEW he wouldn't take me up on that offer so it was safe for me to say. If he did, he would feel as though I'd won and he couldn't allow that. I HAVE WON THOUGH, but not in a way that he understands. I also believe that he thinks I am the reason for his drinking (although he was an alcoholic when I met him), and if he does get clean somewhere else, because he doesn't find a new enabler or however, he will 'prove' to his family and friends that it was my fault and not his own. That's fine with me. However he wants to deal with his life from now on is not going to affect me anymore! I used to worry about this, but I don't any longer. I'm movin' on - I've never been more sure of this!