abcdefg

Does anyone have any experience with a recovering alcoholic who is basically a periodic but completely dry?

The person is genuinely present and working a program/steps for 20 years but then (IMO) relapses without taking a drink (thank god) and sustains a period of insanity and behaviors that show all the ISMs. It appears to be cyclical -- three months doing well, then a trigger (often something positive) and the disease thinking takes over and creates huge problems.

I am looking for experience, strength and hope.

I'd be grateful to hear from anyone with experience with periodic alcoholics of any degree or type.

Pick-a-name

I've heard of PAWS (post acute w/drawal syndrome?...see Under the Influence for more info.) but I thought that was only the first about 2 years or so of sobriety. Evidently, there are times when there are visable (via microscope) changes in certain cells as the body continues to rid itself of alcohol and its past effects. You might at least find that an interesting place to start. Getting Them Sober talks about PAWS,too but I believe much of the information is from work done by James Milam,who co-authored Under the Infl. Evidently the "dry drunk"/ISMs seem much more magnified at these times,too. I guess relapses and cravings happen at much larger numbers during these times,too. Some people seem helped to know that it is a passing phase that can be expected to come (and GO!) with less and less frequency and intensity,as time passes. (I've never had PAWS,etc.,so I can not say from my own experience;perhaps a recovering A could shed some light on this,too.)

Let us know if you find out anything more,please. Sounds interesting.
Good luck.

abcdefg

Yes, thank you Pick-a-name. I would love to find some clarity and resources on this matter.

My al-anon sponsor says that what I experience is VERY similar to being with someone in active drinking -- the blame, the irritability, the ruined plans, the storming out.

It's difficult because it seems to be an unusual issue. From what I've learned, most alcoholics who behave this way go into full-blown relapse. But my RA does not (thank god, because I'm very aware that is a mercy). We've been together 3 years with these cycles and I'm sure he acted out this way long before I was in the picture.

But it makes for serious confusion. He is a wonderful person with a crappy illness and when he's not being held hostage by his disease (my sponsor taught me that one), he is a fully present, supportive partner in every way. Definitely the dual personality. If he was just a big jerk, I wouldn't be having any confusion at all! It's definitely driven home to me that drinking is BUT ONE symptom of the disease. Cunning, baffling, powerful.

I do know I'm powerless, regardless of what information is available. I do everything in my power not to enable, to stay out of the way, to focus on me, work MY program. I know my program will not fail me. I completely believe my Higher Power has everything already worked out for my greatest good -- I just can't see it yet.

I'd just like to find some folks dealing with similar problems in the meantime.

AnotherAnais

I'm sorry, I searched but ... what is ESH? Thanks.

Pick-a-name

Experience,Strength, and Hope!

AnotherAnais

Thank you and thanks to CatsPajamas for pointing me to the "what it all means" sticky!

Sophia57

Hi Abcdefg
I've only just read your post and I could be reading about myself. My RAH is 16 years sober with AA but periodically shows all the behaviours of a dry drunk, just as you describe. It can be plain horrible at home when he's like that and I do my best to avoid, set boundaries etc but sometimes it's just plain hard.
He is aware of it but just puts it down to the disease and says he can't help himself. I'm with him 8 years now and this year seems better so far - but there hasn't been a trigger yet.
If you'd like to talk more, I'm not sure I have any great suggestions to help, but you're welcome to pm me
S

abcdefg

I found this link

Dry Drunk Syndrome

and it was VERY helpful.

this describes almost exactly what i am seeing in my SAB.

Miss Pink

Relapse is always preceded by emotional relapsing behavior. Its just a matter of time before the drink is taken.

Dry drunks are worse to live with, imo. They deceive themselves, and others, by saying they arent drinking so they must be sober.

Without 12 step participation, imo, sobriety is elusive and the disease is active once again, whether imbibing or not.

abcdefg

According to this link, the Dry Drunk Syndrome has a life of its own. It was unclear about whether it inevitably leads to a drinking relapse or not. In the case of my AB (who I'm no longer referring to as sober), he has not taken a drink or used since his original sobriety date. But I'm not an alcoholic so I don't know about any of that.

The issue for me is this: his behavior is perfectly described in the explanation of Dry Drunk Syndrome and it is not rational, not sane, not sober.

So I do not have a partner in recovery and I have as much power over this person in Dry Drunk Syndrome as I do an active A -- as in NONE, POWERLESS, UTTERLY.

That's a serious issue to me and sheds light on my situation I did not have before I learned these facts.

More shall be revealed.


Since I am not an alcoholic, I have no ES&H about

Neagrm

It might be worth evaluation for bi-polar?

Good luck

ajangels2

abcdefg,
So glad you posted these questions... alot of good E,S, and H was shared and has given me more education into the Dry Drunk Syndrome as well. My AH was in a period of dry drunk state for a few months before he relapsed fully. As Miss Pink stated previously without the program of the 12 steps or something spiritual to grow by... they don't stand a chance. You mentioned in your first post that your A is working his program... this might help him move past the dry drunk period. I have heard several A's share in open meetings about their time as "dry drunks" and each of them had to succumb to the 12 steps and support of their sponsers and other A's to pull themselves out of it... those that did not seek out help went back to active drinking/using.

I wish you luck in your new knowledge... so glad you have a program you are working too.
Peace,
ajangels

abcdefg

I never even thought of this. Thank you for the suggestion.

Thank you to everyone for the support and shares. It helps so much.

Wascally Wabbit

My mother.
She's been sober 30 years and an old timer in AA.
I recently learned that alcoholism is progressive even after the person has quit drinking!
This explains her paranioa and strange behavior that she had when she was a drunk.

Addict's Wife

I can relate...you don't have to drink to have all of the behaviors. I have probably had five alcoholic beverages in my entire life. I am not the one with an addiction. My husband had a long history but also a long period of sobriety well before we married and after. However, that doesn't stop him from being triggered, feeling like he's missing out on fun, and then acting like a complete emotionally abusive a-hole, threatening to resume drinking again. All it takes is for me to say I need something (like something at the store when he's going and I am not) and he'll go "I need something too." I am treating it the same way I would if he was an active alcoholic - I've detached. I don't listen to it anymore. I used to cry and get upset. Not anymore. I basically let him know that I don't care. I will not rescue him if he does something stupid, and if he ever physically abuses me or cheats on me, he is out the door. This is my house and I have my own money. I am not financially dependent on him and I think that's what keeps him from giving in - because he knows I won't be the co-dependent that his family was.

Perfect example of how he loves to threaten to go drink: I am going to a seminar tonight for my business, and normally I go to things during the day when he's at work and I am home by the time he gets home and we spend the evening together. When I told him I was going to this meeting over a week ago, he didn't pay attention. I reminded him yesterday and first he accused me of not telling him, then he got upset that I wouldn't be here to get his dinner, watch tv with him, stroke his selfish ego, whatever, and so his reply was "Well, you're going out, I guess I'll go out to. I'm entitled to go have some fun. I'll be at the bar."

Not being an active alcoholic means nothing if you continue all of the same behaviors and constantly threaten to go do it if everyone doesn't let you have your way. Addicts are selfish, self-centered people who use the threat of going to drink, use drugs, resume their eating disorder, whatever, to get their way.

I don't count on my husband staying sober at all. And please do not say "Well, with your lack of support, how could he?" I bent over backwards for years to help him be healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically. I have gone to meeting with him, Al-Anon, took him to a Dr. to get antidepressants, bought him books, took him to a psychiatrist, and have tried to keep him in church. He NEVER EVER sticks with anything and he was like that long before we met; anyone can ask his mother. Now I am just trying to take care of myself. The part I hate the most is that he knows how sick it used to make him and yet he still envies people who can drink and have "fun."

I guess what I am most grateful for is that I did not have children with him because he is to selfish to be a parent to young children, just like his father, whom I can't stand.

abcdefg

Oh, my God. I would NEVER say that to you. Anyone who would say such a thing doesn't have a clue about addiction or, I would say, sensitivity! We don't cause it, we can't cure it and we SURE AS HELL can't control it.

I thank you so much for sharing this. I can't tell you how much it helps to hear from others -- even when the specifics are different, I just feel so much less crazy knowing I am not alone.

And, yes, I too am grateful I do not have to subject any innocent ones to this insanity. It's my choice and I'm growing with it (quite possibly growing beyond the relationship altogether, but it's too early to say). I'm really leaning on my Higher Power to guide me forward (and away?) from here. That article I found (and linked to above) really shifted things for me. But I know I'm not completely and totally and thoroughly ready to accept there is absolutely no hope for him. I'm close, but not there yet. I love this man deeply, he's a good person with a ****** ******* disease, but love is not enough. I need someone I can share a partnership with and I don't have that from him.

So...more shall be revealed.

Thank you again for your candor.

abcdefg

I just checked that link and it seems to be dead. But anyone looking for reading can google Dry Drunk Syndrome, and you'll find comparable information.