loxytaz

i just wanted to know if there was anyone out there like me... I am 33 years old, my father is a physician and my parents also own a winery. My mother has had some health issues over the years such as sine surgery and debilitating arthritis. recently we have had scares wondering if she was having strokes. She's been passing out, and not lucid at times. We have done may tests. Today i took her in to the dr and for an mri after having her at the er last night for confusion and over tired. She has slept basically the last 3 days. does not want to wake up and complains of being so tired. We found out tonight that she is in fact an alcoholic. no shes not drinking the wine but rather drinking scotch.while i am overjoyed that she does not have a brain tumor which is what i expected, i was floored when my father told me tonight. this came out of nowhere. I guess this explains all of her sleep walking??
im just kind if in shock right now and in a haze and felt like doing some research on this.
all i wanted to do was cry but we were in a resteraunt after leaving the hospital when they told me. i felt like i had to protect her like she was a small child.
any suggestions?

GingerM

The first suggestion I would have for you is that you take some time and read the 'sticky' posts at the top of this forum.

The feeling like you needed to protect her is a classic trait of being an Adult Child of Alcoholic(s)/Addict(s).

My second suggestion is that you let us know what's going through your head and ask questions about it. There are many people here who have a lot of recovery under their belts and can help guide you or offer you insights into what you may be going through.

Unfortunately, I can't really offer up much more than that, as I've known all my life that my parents drank too much. I can't imagine how it must feel to have something like that just come out of the blue and sucker punch you.

Growing

I agree with Ginger 100%. Can't imagine what it was like to find out like that. That is harsh.

I relate to the feeling of protecting our parents like they are small children...but thats just the thing...they are not children...they are adults leading their own lives (however much we disagree with how they go about it) how they see fit. When I really began to meditate over this statement and gave myself time to accept it...I began to see where my parents ended and where I began. This was the beginings of boundaries for me. Before that, I just always felt embarassed, ashamed, guilty and responsible for them.

Another tool I learned here on SR and in alanon meetings, that helped me early on, is I didn't Cause (the alcoholism) I can't Cure (the alcoholism) and I can't Control (the alcoholism or the alcoholic). I grieved this when I accepted it...but it was also very freeing...These tools gave me the permission to then....live my own life seperate from the alcoholic and the quagmire of all of their issues...I realized their issues didn't have to be MY issues...just basic boundary stuff.

I second Gingers advice: "My second suggestion is that you let us know what's going through your head and ask questions about it. There are many people here who have a lot of recovery under their belts and can help guide you or offer you insights into what you may be going through."

Keep coming back...look forward to getting to know you.

MLH2282

I am actually in a similar situation. I am 26 years old, and found out about my father's alcoholism 2 years ago. Both of my parents hid it from me for the past 26 years. I felt hurt, betrayed, abandoned, angry, resentful, and confused. It changes the way you think about your parents. You realize that they are people too. For me, I was overwhelmingly angry at my dad. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me, but then I realized, it wasn't about me. He is hurting himself for his reasons, but it doesn't reflect how he feels about me. Regardless, he loves me. He is my father, and all I can do is love him unconditionally.

I am sure you are confused and baffled, but those feelings will subside. Once the initial shock wears off, you will have to come to terms what this means for you. My bottom line is that I know my father loves me, and I forgive him. You have to figure out what your bottom line is. What will give you peace? I hope you find your way through this. We don't get over things, we come through them.

GiveLove

I agree -- it becomes much easier after the initial shock wears off, but you still have to decide how you want to "be" with your alcoholic loved one(s). I was in agony over my parents continuing to drink, and decided that no contact for a while was what I needed to do (they were toxic people). Later on, I was also in pain over my A sister, but had grown enough to realize that I still loved her regardless of the choices she was making -- choices that would eventually end her life. I was able to talk with her, tell her I loved her, send her letters, all with love and detachment, leaving our the when-you-gonna-quit manipulation.

Anyway, take some time to get used to the idea first.....learn all you can about alcoholism and its far-reaching effects.

kelsh

Hi,

I knew my Dad drank occasionally & more on his vacations when he came to visit us. My Mom didn't drink much...a small glass of wine here & there...my brother drank and quit for 15 years and started drinking again.

I drank off and on for 24 years and the last four years of drinking was every evening and all day on the weekends. I asked for help 19 years ago and am still in recovery.

When my Mom called me to tell me that Dad was coming to the Treatment Center in the town where I lived...I was so shocked...so was my Mom...Dad hadn't drank hardly at all when we were kids growing up. He drank more & eventually daily after we were married and on our own.

He hid how much he drank from my Mom and almost lost his job a couple years before his retirement due to drinking on the job. His supervisor came to see my Mom about it.

My Mom came to stay with us while Dad was in treatment...my husband and I did not drink while she was with us. I went to the family program with my Mom and it was very good for all of us.

Then when my brother started drinking again my parents didn't tell me of all the times he had been arrested for different things while drunk. I asked why & my Mom said it was because she thought if I knew my brother was drinking again that I might start drinking again. The illogical thinking of a non-alcoholic for sure.

I assured her that nothing like that would start me drinking again and if I did it would be my fault not anyone elses. Thank goodness I never have been tempted to have a drink yet....still practice the principles of all events in my life on a daily basis based on my AA background.

It was so rewarding to know that my Dad took his problem serious and that he never took another drink...he was the liason person at the mill he worked for other workers that were having problems with alcohol and was proud of being asked to do this.

Since I am in recovery for alcoholism and have been through a lot...I am not disgusted nor angry with other alcoholics...they are ill...they are not in their right mind...and I can't fix them. I had to ask for help for me. The alcoholic has to take action themselves or it won't work...sometimes the court intervenes when a DUI is involved or a crime took place while a person was under the influence.

My Mom died four years before my Dad and my brother sold his house and moved in with my Dad. I had no idea the extent of my brother's problem until I went to see my Dad as his health deteriated. I live across the state from where I grew up....and worked so it was hard to get there often.

My brother took advantage of my Dad financially and it was so sad to see both of them....when I went the day after my Dad died I found my brother very drunk. I had to do the arrangements...he went along but started drinking in the morning before all of the appointments.

My brother and I were given the family home as co-owners and there is a conflict of keeping it up...the property taxes and homeowners insurance. My brother just quit working because he was into the alcohol & some drugs too much.

I told him that we had to put the house up for sale two years ago so it doesn't go into foreclosure. I have been paying on the back property taxes but decided not to do it anymore...I hired a lawyer to help me but that hasn't been the answer....my brother can be very sneaky and elusive if he wants to.

The last time I was there, he was getting buckets of water from the neighbors to flush the toilet because the water had been turned off again. It was so bad....then the next morning when I drove up to the house he took off out the back gate and was no where to be found.

This was almost three years ago...he doesn't have a phone listed...I wrote to him several times but he hasn't answered even with a collect call like I asked him to do.

Guess I needed to get this off my mind again...I think of him every day and wonder what he is doing and how his health is. Our best friend that he hung out with and worked with died of his alcoholism three years ago on my brother's birthday. This got my brother's attention that he needed to slow down but us alcoholics know how that goes.

I hope you feel better about your Mom and can give her some support and maybe she will be willing to ask for some help to quit drinking. My thoughts will be with you. :sorry

kelsh

Wascally Wabbit

Everyone else said so much so well. I will just add one thing in regards to the sleep walking. My mother was always doing this. She would get up in the middle of the night, I would get up to because of all the commotion. She always did something totally stupid too. She would go outside and pee in the yard, or pee in the floor inside.
It was horrid to watch.
It goes with the territory.

Grace2u

I can totally identify with the shock you feel. My mom is now, at the age of 79, an alcoholic. All her life she has been a "sipper", but would never have too much to drink. In fact, irony of ironies, she divorced my father because he was an alcoholic. She went through 20 years of his drinking, promises to stop drinking, trips to rehabs, all to no avail. So she finally left him.

Now, she has what some experts call "late onset alcoholism". It just popped up out of nowhere. We went through similar medical episodes, trying to figure why she was having "balance issues". MRI's, ex-rays, every test under the sun...and the doctors kept saying, "we can't find anything wrong with her". Then she would fall again and crack her head open. On Christmnas day, she fell into the fireplace. My brother-in-law saved her life. This, while all the young grandchildren were sitting there in total horror.

It took a lot of work, but we finally did an intervention, using professional help. We got her to a rehab where she spent 33 days. Within 2 weeks of getting home, however, she was drinking again.

I can hardly express the fear, worry, anger, frustration and responsibility I feel. I can only say with gratitude, when others experience similar situations, I know I'm not alone.

Hang on sweet girl, and remember, as I try to do every day, that this disease is not personal. Your mom isn't doing anything to anyone. Like diabetes, or any other illness, it's not her fault. Take strength from this forum, know that this is not something you can "fix", and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you BIG time! :ghug3

thelordofgrunge

Hi there,

Not sure if I've responded to you on this before but I remember reading your comment last year when I too found out that my mum has been an alcoholic all my life. I am 36, my dad knew all along, me and my sisters were always given stories of other medical issues when in fact her illness, bad behaviour, general distance and weirdness has always been down to the drink.

I would love to speak to you more if you are still reading this site? I'm guessing you're a bit further on in the process of dealing with it than I am. I hope all is well. Cheers, jim