gotta love um

my AS called said he hadn't eaten for days has monry coming in on friday but all spent , overdarafts etc! so wanted me to help with some food so being a Mom I said yes! Now as I sit here crying thinking about him not eating did I do the right thing telling him I would send food at least he'll eat it its not like I sent him money to spend on whatever but why is it so hard sometimes just to be a loving Mom and to know when to do and what to do at the right time ? thanks for all of you the last few months I don't commet much but I read lots and am growing in knowledge! getting stronger !
Prayers

best

In my opinion... food is a good idea, never money.
By giving him the food...you will feel better.

caileesnana

You are a mom first. Hard thing between love and enabling.
susan

dogged

sometimes we have to be a mom and thier is nothing wrong with that, you did the right thing,

wooforever

I agree give the food, but never give him money.

hello-kitty

Your AS spent all his $$ on drugs. So now you feel obligated to give him food because you don't want him to go hungry. But while he was high, he didn't care. It's only now that he's out of drugs that he cares about food.

I know this is hard to hear and nobody wants to see their children hungry but you'd probaby be better off researching local food banks and sending him there to get food instead of supporting his drug habit. Maybe you could even give him a ride there. You could also recommend that he get help for his drug problem so he can get his life back into control.

It would send a clear message, that if you use drugs, mommy's not going to rescue you.

Hard thing to do though. :sorry

Lobo

I would never deny food or medical attention. You did what any mom would do and that's okay.

Hugs.............Lo

appleblaster

Hey Gotta,

You did what you felt was right.
If there is a next time then maybe you can give food instead of money.
In fact, you can cook something really nice for your AS (since he is saying he is hungry).
This takes care of both of you.

Much love to you!

sojourner

i think driving son to local food bank is a good idea - it would help him see the reality of his life if he had to go in there and do that... i'm sure my son thinks he is not an addict because, by his definition, only addicts have to do things like go to homeless shelters and free food places...

i think i'll research the closest ones around here...

hello-kitty

I knew many active addicts living in crackhouses who would regularly go to foodbanks to get food. It was all part of the game. Gave them an excuse to get out and get some fresh air.

Miss Pink

enabling kills.....dont forget that.

abcdefg

Feeding him. Yep. I get it. I think it sounds like a good choice for you at the time.

Enabling does kill. That is true. But you fed him ONE day. I would consider enabling more like giving him meals every day.

Everyone is different. Every situation is different. And each situation has to be addressed on a one day at a time basis. What is a loving, centered choice one day could be enabling on another day. And vice versa.

That's why I pray...A LOT. Because I can't see the difference. I don't know what's "right." I ask for the knowledge of my higher power's will for me, I turn everything over, and I try to act according to my own values -- not just REact out of fear or resentment. Very, very, very challenging.

I do the best I can each day, one day at a time.

sweetpea40

I wouldn't let my son go without food! I guess that is the mom in us..
Hugs,
Machele

bookmiser

(((((((Gotta)))))))

You do what makes you feel better.
I took my son and his elderly gf (lol) to the grocery store about
2 months ago and bought them groceries. She's working now, but he still
hasn't found a job in the boonies. As long as I know in my heart that they are at least trying to "make" it...
I'll help anyway I can. I draw the line at giving money though. That, imho, is a big no-no.
Hugs from one mom to another,
Linda

BigSis

I only do what I can live with... and over time, that has changed. But I do feed my kid - just not every day. Don't want him to think he can count on my money to replace his... sort of my own "line".

At first, I couldn't even do that... I bought gas, replaced wrecked cars, replaced lost phones, replaced lost clothes.

Over time, I got better. And sometimes I beat myself up for not doing it "perfect". We alanons are notorious for that.


So do what you can live with... and that will be the right thing.


((hugs))

ctrom40

I took my AS to Costco the other night for an eye exam. The exam, contacts and eye glasses were his Christmas present from me.
Since he had been working the 2nd shift at a factory, it was difficult for us to coordinate our schedules (lost his license/wrecked his car) This was our first available night.

While he was in the exam, I picked up a few food items for him (bulk) - He was so appreciative and I could tell he was sincere.
Then he asked me if we could go to Aldis (a discount food store) instead, because we could get so much more food for these prices, and we would save $$$ ..... so we did.

Buying the groceries worked for me.

Colleen

katie44

First and foremost you are a mother. I would find it difficult to deprive any one of food. I met a woman once who's son was an addict he was living on the street. Once a week she would drive in to the city take her dog with her and look for him. Most of the time she knew where he was. With her she took lots of sandwiches, and warm drinks. As long as your okay with it thats what is important. I have loaded up my sons fridge. I didnt feel good about it because I kept thinking " I shouldn't do this maybe he will buy his own groceries if I dont help him" In the long run though I knew I had to do it. I have cut him off everything else and its a long process learning to detach. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Wascally Wabbit

There isn't a mom in the world who could bear to see her children starve even if it's their own doing. I know I couldn't.
Just don't send money.
Eventually, they find out how to get what they need through salvation army etc.

hello-kitty

I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do. But I do want to let ALL MOMS out there know that there are options to get food and drug addicts know what they are. And your adult child will not starve if you do not provide them with food.

I'm a mom. My sons father is a crackhead. There have been times when we have had to get food at the food bank because my sons father prefers to spend his money on crack then help support his family. My mom doesn't give me money to buy food for me and my son. Neither does his mom. But they don't need to. I go to the food bank if I can't afford food.

Point is: your addicted son or daughter won't starve if you don't buy them food. So don't feel guilty if you choose not to buy them food. There are options out there if someone can't get money off their parents. Options that might even convince them that using drugs is not working for them anymore.

Prayers and best wishes to all of you.

gotta love um

thanks to all of you I did send the food and he thanked me over and over for it but i also understand that it was right this time but not maybe the next time ! One day at a time !
we are all human.
Prayers and peace