Undertheweather

What can I do to encourage my boyfriend to stop drinking? He is only 21 and he doesn’t have a job. One of the main reasons for him not having a job is the fact that he has no license, he has lost it for 2 years and 4 months after being caught a 3rd time drink driving. He admits he has a problem and says he wants to stop. We have only been together for 2 months and when we got together he gave up smoking pot which he would smoke all day everyday. He went to see a councilor yesterday and she said that because he had just given up pot it would be almost impossible for him to give up drinking this soon, is this correct of is he making this up?

ANGELINA243

He must have to want to stop for himself and seek treatment. There is nothing you can do to make him stop--NOTHING! Has he looked into any recovery groups--AA or something else?

ANGELINA243

Sometimes it is best to stop only one addiction at a time--but for me it was a package deal>all-or-nothing. There are some people who only stop one thing at a time. Whatever works!

Harleyrider

You didn't say if you were in a recovery program yourself, so I would assume that you don't drink. I would suggest that you both go to a meeting together. Use each other for support. It is possible to quit 2 addictions at once. I did it 18 years ago whn I sobered up. I quit smoking at the same time. It was rough but I made it through it.

CarolD

Welcome to SR!


Have you considered why you want this guy in your life?
He has several long term problems to overcome
I mean a complete change of lifestyle.

The 2 of you may not be suited
for each other after all.

Take care of you...because you are worth
being respected and cherished.

greeteachday

HI there...welcome. You may want to stop over and vist the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum...It's a great place for support for you. You can't change him or seek recovery for him, but you can get some help with the impact this has on you from other folks who understand.

Undertheweather

Thanks for the replies so far. I find myself asking myself why I am with him, but when we first met he was such a great guy who was loving and caring, and I guess I fell in love with him, but now he is completly different person. I am 26 and have 2 young children. My last relationship lasted 7 years (I met my ex when I 18) and it wasnt a good relationship. I am a shy person and have low self esteem. When my boyfriend and I first got together he would help with the kids and get up with me in the mornings (he moved in with me pretty much as soon as we got together because he got kicked out of home), he cooks dinner every night, things where great. But now because he has no job he has no money so I pay for everything and drive him around, he borrows money off friends to buy alcohol because I refuse to buy it for him. He also stays up late now and sleeps in till like 11 and get grumpy if the kids wake him up. A week ago we went out to the pub it was a sat night and we got into an argument and he ended up punching a hole in my bedroom door. I told him then that it was over but he some how ended up getting me to forgive him, we made an agreement that he would drink no more than 2 beers a day with he stuck to for about 2 days and then started drinking more again. Then 2 nights ago we had an argument again and he went to the pub he turned up at 2:30am and could harldy walk. We had a fight and I told him again that it was over and to leave but he wouldnt leave so he has still been staying here and acting like we arent over. I dont know what to do? Sorry if this isnt making sense

ANGELINA243

You must protect your children. If he is punching holes in doors--and coming home stumbling drunk>I'd keep a close watch over your kids. You should probably kick him out if this behavior continues...seriously.

hope2bhappy

Great! Admitting you need help is half the battle. Now just point him in the direction of the nearest rehab facility and/or AA. If he goes through the doors, you'll know he is sincere.

I'm sorry. I think he's making this up. But others, above, who have been there done that, say this could be true.

You can't make him stop. But you can get help for yourself.

faith12

Okay 2 months. Let me tell you having an alcoholic in your life as a partner is one of the most taxing and stressful things you may ever come up against. They are good people that have a bad, bad disease. I would seriously reconsider dating this person full time. Be friends with him for a while and see how it goes. It will be better for this person if show them how concerned you are for them and don't want to date at least until they commit to doing something real about their problem. The one good thing is this person is very young. Getting help now before this goes on for long periods of time is crucial for success.

Cynay

Welcome.... and Im sorry but I really felt the need to jump in here.

Ok... let me understand this... cuz I get the shivers reading it ...

You have known the guy 2 months.... you have 2 young children....you were in a relationship 7 years with a man that did not want (or maybe you did not want) to commit to .... From what you have said the Babies father was either the 7 year guy that did not commit or someone else that did not step up???? .... you said your shy which makes me think you dont get out and date much.... and it kinda sounds like you might struggle with your self worth...

PLEASE remember to take what you want and leave the rest..... This is just me ... looking at what you wrote and picking it apart... Trust me when I say this comes from them heart.... I have been there done that.....

In the 2 months that you have known him ... he has taken you from Mr. Wonderful to punching holes in the wall (BIG issue) and you fighting him and supporting him...

Sweetie.... tell me something.... what is wrong with this picture? I know that you feel love for him,,, but I might want to suggest that what you really love is the hope of having a loving relationship and not having to do all that alone... but your dreams are drowning out the reality of what your living in. Is this really how you want to live??

Life in addiction is no life at all, tell me is this what you would want for a relationship for one of your children???

appleblaster

(((Undertheweather))) I'm glad you found this forum.

If you truly want him out then just call the police next time he stumbles home drunk. They will take one look at his record and know he's trouble. Then you can change your locks, phone number, whatever it takes.

Your low self-esteem seems more like low self-worth because surely you and your children deserve better.

Much love to you. Keep posting and be more kind to yourself. You are a darling person.

denny57

I'd follow his parents' lead.

Barbara52

Ah, ya gott love "love." It makes so many of get a huge case of the "stupids" right along with it.

Do you want you children growing up thinking alcoholism is normal behavior? That violence inthe home is acceptable and normal? Do you want your kids to see you taken advantage of by an alcoholic? Do you want to devote your life to someone who treats you like crap?

That is what I see from you post. Not a situation I could stay in. Knowing someone 2 months is nothing! You are a fine enabler for him, letting him use in comfort and without consequence. He doesn't have a job because he doesn't need one, he has you to support him. The rest is excuses. He has quit drinking because he doesn't want to. The rest is excuses. Welcome to a snap short of the rest of your life if you choose to continue down this road.

Only you can decide if that is the way you want your life to continue.

Mr. Christian

Ok,
Now let review.
You have known him only 2 months and you have him punching holes around your kids?

Sorry, this aint love, especially in 2 months and who wants all this drama?

I say the one you help is YOU.
Take your kids and RUN.

This just is not a red flag , it’s a red wall!


IMHO

Rella927

Welcome to SR! Sorry that you are going through this right now but, glad that you found us! There has been a lot of great advice above and more to follow I'm sure.

In some shape or form we have all been where you are-

You say : I have probably heard this in this forum about 100 plus times! In the start IMHO we are all "great guys" or "great gals" with or without an addiction! And then our little flaws come out...(some more than others i.e. addictions)

I feel that knowing this guy only 2 months and feeling the way that you do already......IMHO this is not love-and I would run for the sake of your children and YOU!

I found Al-Anon and counseling to be a great addition to my life-it has opened up doors that I never knew that I had! I learned a lot about myself and what I needed for me

Please be gentle with yourself and those precious children-
He made his choice to drink/smoke pot- and you have the choice to not allow you and your children to be a part of this!

Keep coming back and posting! You are not alone in this....

Undertheweather

Since I told him that we are over ( 2 days ago) things have been better, I havent seen him drinking although I know he has. We also havent talk about what went on on sunday night, to be honest I dont think he even remembers fighting with me until 4 am. I also fing myself wondering how long until he loses his temper again? The man I was with for 7 years is the father of my children, I left him because he decided that he didnt want kids. He know sees them every 2nd weekend and the kids where with their dad when my boyfriend punched of hole in the door. The guy I was with for 7 years also treated me like crap. He didnt smoke or drink but he was the type of guy who would put me down every day saying mean things, he was also the type that would punch holes in doors. So I was in the wrong type of relationship for 7 years and now after being single for 1 and half years and loving it, back into the same situation as before. I realise I need to lose this boyfriend before I waste another 7 years, but its so hard, when his gone I miss him so much. But at the same time I dont want to wait until he does something in front of my kids

Barbara52

Just what is it you miss?

You say you have asked him to leave but he won't. He won't because you are letting him stay. Is he on the lease or co-owner of your place? If not, you can indeed throw him out and the police will help you do it. You can do whatever is need to do to protect yourself and your kids if you want to.

prodigal

I don't understand what is so HARD about dumping a 21-year-old addict who is unemployed and leeching off a woman ...

Undertheweather

He is gone now, I have just got back from dropping him off at a friends house. I have told him again that its over and that we can still be friends and that unless he gets help and gets his issues sorted then I dont want him in my life. Will keep you updated as to how everything turns out