Notices

No big surprise

Old 03-03-2008, 05:17 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
No big surprise

I knew it was coming...So did my grams. Worrying so much that I would have a week alone turned into being obsessed with when the hell are they leaving.
It was cool until the day they left. All that day I was sick and slept all day. As soon as they all left for the airport. There I went. What a freaking joke!
I bet I was high before they even got on the plane. $500 in 36 hours and yet another job. Killed the battery in my cousin's car because I left the lights on. Now here I sit. Cant even buy a pack of cigarettes. Spent most of last night coming down. Freakin myself out from all the cocaine in my system. I was hearing people talking and walking all through my house. Thought my gramps was coming for me from the closet where his urn is. Seeing stuff zoom past me from the corners of my eyes. Ate ridiculous amounts of food and dirty dishes everywhere. Havent brushed my hair since Friday morning.
I promised my little cousins I was going to buy them a PS2 and Guitar hero while they were gone with my change I had saved. yea...that ended up being $200 in just a month in a half of just throwing change in a jar. Gone! About 50 bucks stashed cash I forgot about...Gone!! Whole dam paycheck...Gone!! Even 40 bucks from my grams...Gone!!!
I sat here last night so numb just staring at this board. Thinking of what I have posted lately. Thinking of the responses and PMs I have received. Thinking of all the progress I thought I was making. Thinking maybe I might have a chance this time. I have no business giving advice or posting anything I thought could help someone else.
And you know..What do you say after so many times? Sorry dont mean **** anymore. I am not all crazy thinking this is the end why bother. I know I HAVE to get my ass in a shower tomorrow and get my ass together and get another job by the end of this week. I have to find some way..any way to get to that Friday night NA meeting by me. I'm also wondering if the county may provide transportation for people like me that need IOP and cant get there.
I cried my freakin heart out so bad last night my eyes were swollen shut. I begged and I pleaded for God to help me just understand why after all I have been through and all I have learned too. Why the hell do I keep doing it?? Why?? After all the crap I put my grams through. It just comes from nowhere and blind sides me everytime. And I really tried. I tried all day Friday to fight it. The more I fought it. The sicker I felt and tired and depressed. I let it consume me.
I lost in a few hours what took months to get going again.
And I didnt enjoy one bit of it. The whole time was one big expensive miserable torcher session. Makes alot of sense doesnt it?
I'm not going to feel sorry for myself. I am very disappointed in myself. Very ashamed.
I just want to understand why. I need to understand.
I just needed to get that out.
Aysha is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 05:32 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I thought of you tonight, Trish, and looked for you. I knew they were leaving, and had read your posts leading up to it. You talked yourself right into it - it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What now?
Rowan is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 05:52 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jomey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Hicktown, PA
Posts: 1,479
Trish...no words of wisdom. I hope you are not going to stop trying. I love you friend. Jomey
Jomey is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 05:53 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
 
Aysha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I sure did do that. Didnt I?
What now? Now I think I really need to step up my recovery game and quit thinking I can do it without an active program. Coming here and going on what very little I have learned in my short stays in rehabs isnt going to cut it.
I feel like asking my job for Fridays off to make sure I can get to the only NA meeting they have by me is not justifiable. I wouldnt tell them why I needed it off. But I feel like my job comes first. Or feeling like asking someone in my family to drive me to the meeting every week is too much. It is pure BS.
I am getting it slowly but surely that my recovery is priority number 1 over everything right now. Even my grams. How will I ever get what I need to have a long lasting recovery if I just keep letting it slide down from that number one spot?
I know what I need to do. I know what I should have done Friday.
I wanted to get high. I didnt more than I did until that day. Then all I could think about was getting high.
As usual I am looking back and feeling like a real idiot.
Imagine how those kids faces would have looked like when they came home to guitar hero. How my grams would have been so proud that I did it. How proud I would have been.
Ok..Now I am crying again.
My head is pounding from all the crying. My eyes are burning from it too.
Bottom line. I need to work a better program.



Edit..Just reread that part about the job coming first. Didnt come before the drugs now did it?
Aysha is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 05:57 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,325
Trish,

You need to be ready to do what you know you need to do. As Rowan said, you set yourself up and you went with it.

I wish you peace.
Anna is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 06:11 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Bring Laughter Wherever You Go
 
tay-lyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by chiynita View Post
I feel like asking my job for Fridays off to make sure I can get to the only NA meeting they have by me is not just justifiable. I wouldnt tell them why I needed it off. But I feel like my job comes first.
Hi Chiynita;
When you feel that your SOBRIETY comes first, rather than your job, you'll be willing to ask anyone for anything you will need to stay sober.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, my heart goes out to you. But a change cannot 'stick' until you are ready to make that 'change' your priority.
Without your sobriety, you won't have anything else.
All the best.
Tay.
tay-lyn is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 06:32 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
CarolD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Ok...
tomorrow is a fresh day.
Get yourself presentable and get a job.
Clean up the house.

You too can recover ...
CarolD is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 06:47 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,036
I was mad when I read your post Trish - now I'm just sad.
Please follow through on this, ok ?

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 06:51 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
tanyapmc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 4,469
Take a shower, get some sleep and make tomorrow a great day.
tanyapmc is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 06:55 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
JPat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 137
Chiynita - Nothing I can say will make you feel better right now, I know the place you are at though and you are not alone. The best thing to do is move forward - I hope you have a plan of what you need to do.

We are all here for you!

Jen
JPat is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 07:07 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Toomutch's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Chiynita,

A lot of good advise on this thread. What Tay said hit the nail on the head. Your recovery needs to come before the job. Without sobriety the job will be lost anyway. You're in my prayers.
Toomutch is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 07:55 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
I totally get relapsing.Hell-I'm struggling too.But I do remember reading your posts about March and it sounded like you were planning your downfall-which is just sad really.I hope you never stop trying Chiy.It's all we can do really.I wish you peace, too.

Julesxox
Jules62 is offline  
Old 03-03-2008, 08:28 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Don't get undies in a bunch
 
best's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Why?

Maybe because you needed one more lesson.

But you also know what you can do in your recovery as well.
Dust off, clean up and lets start again. *HUG*

You can do it.
best is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 04:19 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))

The thought of crack and the high blindsided me toninght on my way home...out of nowhere. I quickly reminded myself of why I DON'T want to do it and what I hate about that crap....needing more and more until money's gone, then hating myself.

I hate that you used, but you just reinforced to me why I don't want to go back there, so thank you.

Pick yourself up, get another job, and keep moving forward, because what's done is done.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
Impurrfect is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 04:25 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rusty Zipper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
miss chiy, glad you made it back...

rz
Rusty Zipper is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 04:29 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
stone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Trish.
stone is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 04:47 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
everything is already ok
 
nogard's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,768
Trish glad your back so quick, clean up the external mess then focus on cleaning up the internal.

Love Kevin
nogard is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 05:02 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Follow Directions!
 
Tazman53's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Trish glad you are alive to try again, as you said, staying clean needs to be numero UNO!!!! That needs to come ahead of your grams and a job.

In my area we have a shortage of NA meetings, guess what folks in NA do when there is not an NA meetinig? They go to an AA meeting!!!!

The addicts may not be able to fully relate to us drunks, and us drunks may not be able to fully relate to you addicts, but when it comes to the solution we stand on common ground and we love each other and we help each other!!!

I assume you do not have a sponsor, get one, get phone numbers and CALL them, BEFORE you use, the second you even feel the slightest urge to use call someone in the program. Get AA numbers as well, us drunks can help in a pinch, we know what it is like to have a substance kick our ass!!!!

Trish you are loved and you are not alone, get your priorities straight.
Tazman53 is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 05:10 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
gutterman317's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New Whiteland IN
Posts: 41
Chiynita, what we are dealing with is super sneaky. It already had it's way in your sub-conscious brain. When you let your guards down it gottcha. There are ways to recover, but it takes action. Action for the newcomer is going to a meeting and getting a sponsor. A good sponsor will be able to show you ways to safeguard against future relapses. These programs take time to recover. I did not go through a sudden spiritual awakening, mine came gradually. If you keep coming back your thinking will change(psychic change). Believe me it happens, weather you like it or not. I thought my God wasn't showing me any signs either, I just wasn't receiving them. My sponsor shows me how God is at work, today. You hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gutterman317 is offline  
Old 03-04-2008, 05:18 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
dave47's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Welcome back Trish.
dave47 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:10 AM.