If I'm so involved in my recovery why . . .
Living in a Pinkful Place
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
If I'm so involved in my recovery why . . .
Yes that is my question . . .
If I'm so invovled in my recovery why do I feel so affected by my AH's words?
A little recap - after a little over 3 yrs of sobriety, I started to notice slow changes in my AH and then over the past yr, the downward spiral went out of control fast. Finally this past fall it was apparent, that he was no longer clean and sober. At the proper time and place, we discussed this and he continued to deny it. So instead of beating a dead horse - I focused on me. And like most addicts/alcoholics he got much worse. The first part of December, he had a couple of those really horrible wks that he may not remember a lot about what happened. he stopped attending meetings, blah, blah, blah.
So anyway, although he hasn't started back to meetings, things have been better on the using/drinking side for him lately - me I'm still taking care of me - detaching and remaining in my own garden of self. He never has truly talked about the relapse or what exactly happened and I have not pushed - I WANTED to, but I haven't.
As always, things have turned up missing, 2 weedeaters, battery chargers, misc tools, etc - I know what your thinking - immediately I thought the same - during the "bad time" he probably pawned them. But MYOB, (mind your own business) I haven't find it necessary to enlighten him of that fact - so I have just kept quiet about it. It is possibly that someone could have stolen them, this stuff is kept at the storm damaged house and it is easy to get in there and take anything.
Yesterday afternoon, he was talking again about things missing and as we were walking thru the store he said "Heck, I know I relapsed and I know it was bad but I know I didn't go back that bad."
I'm telling you I could have hit the floor when he said the words "I know I relapsed" . It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder - I wondering why? I know that I know what is true. I know that my refrigerator is not blue (another one of my fav sayings). I did not need him to tell me he relapsed.
So why does him saying the words affect me so?
Maybe admittance is the 1st step?
Is it because I have a little more hope that he will return to his program of recovery?
or
Is it a selfish sense of still needing him to validate my feelings, my truths?
And if it is the last one - good gravy, do I still need to keep on working on me.
Oh well, I guess I'll just be grateful that this is a program of progress not perfection, that I don't serve my "time" and ya'll kick me out.
So if you are a newby or a oldie (ok strike out oldie, let's say seasoned) member - we all have things to learn and relearn and re-exam as we walk thru this life of recovery, One Day at a Time.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
If I'm so invovled in my recovery why do I feel so affected by my AH's words?
A little recap - after a little over 3 yrs of sobriety, I started to notice slow changes in my AH and then over the past yr, the downward spiral went out of control fast. Finally this past fall it was apparent, that he was no longer clean and sober. At the proper time and place, we discussed this and he continued to deny it. So instead of beating a dead horse - I focused on me. And like most addicts/alcoholics he got much worse. The first part of December, he had a couple of those really horrible wks that he may not remember a lot about what happened. he stopped attending meetings, blah, blah, blah.
So anyway, although he hasn't started back to meetings, things have been better on the using/drinking side for him lately - me I'm still taking care of me - detaching and remaining in my own garden of self. He never has truly talked about the relapse or what exactly happened and I have not pushed - I WANTED to, but I haven't.
As always, things have turned up missing, 2 weedeaters, battery chargers, misc tools, etc - I know what your thinking - immediately I thought the same - during the "bad time" he probably pawned them. But MYOB, (mind your own business) I haven't find it necessary to enlighten him of that fact - so I have just kept quiet about it. It is possibly that someone could have stolen them, this stuff is kept at the storm damaged house and it is easy to get in there and take anything.
Yesterday afternoon, he was talking again about things missing and as we were walking thru the store he said "Heck, I know I relapsed and I know it was bad but I know I didn't go back that bad."
I'm telling you I could have hit the floor when he said the words "I know I relapsed" . It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulder - I wondering why? I know that I know what is true. I know that my refrigerator is not blue (another one of my fav sayings). I did not need him to tell me he relapsed.
So why does him saying the words affect me so?
Maybe admittance is the 1st step?
Is it because I have a little more hope that he will return to his program of recovery?
or
Is it a selfish sense of still needing him to validate my feelings, my truths?
And if it is the last one - good gravy, do I still need to keep on working on me.
Oh well, I guess I'll just be grateful that this is a program of progress not perfection, that I don't serve my "time" and ya'll kick me out.
So if you are a newby or a oldie (ok strike out oldie, let's say seasoned) member - we all have things to learn and relearn and re-exam as we walk thru this life of recovery, One Day at a Time.
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Perhaps it feels good to know he trusts you to have that knowledge and just have it. I think it COULD be a testament to how you are working your program.
You'll probably never know for sure. But the fact that you noticed, you allowed yourself to feel those feelings, you came here and shared, and most likely you've discussed it with recovery friends ~ all of that shows your program in action.
You'll probably never know for sure. But the fact that you noticed, you allowed yourself to feel those feelings, you came here and shared, and most likely you've discussed it with recovery friends ~ all of that shows your program in action.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Maybe feeling that weight lifting is because you care and you are glad that he isn't living in denial. I think if it was a good feeling, it may be just that although detached, you have detached with love, and love rejoices for every positive step, while being mindful that we can't control those steps. If it was more of a "smirky" feeling...well maybe a little more work on the need for validation.
No matter what, I am glad for both of you that he does understand that he relapsed and saying it aloud finally to you may be a positive step forward.
No matter what, I am glad for both of you that he does understand that he relapsed and saying it aloud finally to you may be a positive step forward.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Japic,
Heck, I get a big thrill through my bloodstream whenever I hear anyone I care about admit a difficult truth.
You care about the man and what happens to him. You know this is a huge step for HIM, and you know YOU did the right thing by not tying him to a chair and pistol-whipping it out of him sooner. You are on the right road and you know it.
Just to let you know: that would affect me the same way, and my A isn't even my husband.....but obviously continue to focus on you. Celebrate this little jolt of compassion and humanity that has just flown through you.....I don't think it says anything bad about your recovery. Quite the opposite imho.
XOX
GL
Heck, I get a big thrill through my bloodstream whenever I hear anyone I care about admit a difficult truth.
You care about the man and what happens to him. You know this is a huge step for HIM, and you know YOU did the right thing by not tying him to a chair and pistol-whipping it out of him sooner. You are on the right road and you know it.
Just to let you know: that would affect me the same way, and my A isn't even my husband.....but obviously continue to focus on you. Celebrate this little jolt of compassion and humanity that has just flown through you.....I don't think it says anything bad about your recovery. Quite the opposite imho.
XOX
GL
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