Very Angry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Very Angry
Its been sometime since I have been on this site. Everything seems like its gotten worse. My 20 year AS is still using although we have kicked him out of the house he has his own place, who knows how he pays his rent? I am still enabling him hes at the house alot. My spouse stopped drinking for 10 months it was heaven. We have just moved in to a new home he has started again. Like he says its only once a week on the weekends. I still realize that it will become more and more often. He has never said he has a problem, reason is he has a business, he is a fuctioning drinker, although presently he has no license lost it to an impaired.Presently I am carting him around until he gets his license back. If I dont he will hire someone to do it and we can not afford it. We work together and are self employed the business is not doing well we could potentially go in to bankruptcy. This past year has been a nightmare my passed passed away 11 months ago due to alcohol. The one saving grace I had through her death, financial problems and my son was that my spouse really seemed to be trying to get it together.
I am so angry I have recently found out that my son and husband have been to the bar for a couple of beers a few times. I blew up at my spouse and said your son is not your buddy he is your son. he knows he is an alcoholic and drug addict what is wrong with him.
Of course he makes me look like a fool to my son "Oh mom is upset because you had a beer with me son" Then he says to me unbelievable it must be a man thing " I have always wanted to have a beer with my son with or without me he is going to drink" I told my spouse he was wrong. You know what saddens me even more is that I thought I had fooled my kids when they were small I used to say " dad is late or not coming home because hes working late"
The truth was he was at the bar. We even found letters years later that my son wrote " I wish my dad would play with me, but he has to drink beer with his friends"
I am so angry and fed up. I know I enabled my spouse and I have done the same thing with my son although I am attending naranon meetings and Im learning to detach. I can not believe that a father knowing his son is an addict would still proceed to drink with him and then to minimize it like I am the crazy one.
A year ago my husband would go out say hed be home then come home whenever he felt like it. My kids no longer live in the house and I find I have this rage about him lately. When he has a couple of beers he is a different person loud and beligerent. I can not live in a house where its like " oh dont say anything you might upset the drunk" like walking on pins and needles.
Everyone of his friends are drinkers, he claims that everyone drinks.
He also claims my hatred for alcohol is because of my mother I never lived with her as a drinker.
He says he can handle one day a week even that is too much for me it digs up alot of old feelings and the anger I feel that he would only bond with his son over a beer is disgraceful.
he even let my son drink a beer and then give him a drive home becasue of not having a licence. I just dont know what to do anymore??
I am so angry I have recently found out that my son and husband have been to the bar for a couple of beers a few times. I blew up at my spouse and said your son is not your buddy he is your son. he knows he is an alcoholic and drug addict what is wrong with him.
Of course he makes me look like a fool to my son "Oh mom is upset because you had a beer with me son" Then he says to me unbelievable it must be a man thing " I have always wanted to have a beer with my son with or without me he is going to drink" I told my spouse he was wrong. You know what saddens me even more is that I thought I had fooled my kids when they were small I used to say " dad is late or not coming home because hes working late"
The truth was he was at the bar. We even found letters years later that my son wrote " I wish my dad would play with me, but he has to drink beer with his friends"
I am so angry and fed up. I know I enabled my spouse and I have done the same thing with my son although I am attending naranon meetings and Im learning to detach. I can not believe that a father knowing his son is an addict would still proceed to drink with him and then to minimize it like I am the crazy one.
A year ago my husband would go out say hed be home then come home whenever he felt like it. My kids no longer live in the house and I find I have this rage about him lately. When he has a couple of beers he is a different person loud and beligerent. I can not live in a house where its like " oh dont say anything you might upset the drunk" like walking on pins and needles.
Everyone of his friends are drinkers, he claims that everyone drinks.
He also claims my hatred for alcohol is because of my mother I never lived with her as a drinker.
He says he can handle one day a week even that is too much for me it digs up alot of old feelings and the anger I feel that he would only bond with his son over a beer is disgraceful.
he even let my son drink a beer and then give him a drive home becasue of not having a licence. I just dont know what to do anymore??
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy.
(My opinion) you know your son is going to use whether you're there or not, you know your husband is not going to stop his one day a week drinking, and there's nothing you can do about him having a drink with your son.
Take a deep breath, step back and live YOUR life, they will just have to catch up to you when they are ready.
Good Luck
(My opinion) you know your son is going to use whether you're there or not, you know your husband is not going to stop his one day a week drinking, and there's nothing you can do about him having a drink with your son.
Take a deep breath, step back and live YOUR life, they will just have to catch up to you when they are ready.
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 50
Hugs Katie, my AH tried the whole "you're punishing me for the way you grew up in an alcoholic household" more than once. Finally, when he realized that how I grew up had nothing to do with HIS drinking he stopped using that excuse to me. Hang in there, do something relaxing for yourself today. One step at a time.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Katie, it sounds like you are surrounded, outnumbered and overwhelmed.
Maybe find some time just for you and grab a breather. It's not likely any of "them" are going to change any time soon, so maybe get yourself to a calm and balanced place and then decide what is right for YOU and how YOU want to spend the rest of your life.
Whether you stay or go, it sounds like you may have to make your own happiness, find your own interests and just enjoy life doing what you like doing...even if you have to do it alone.
Sending big hugs because it sounds like you could use them.
Maybe find some time just for you and grab a breather. It's not likely any of "them" are going to change any time soon, so maybe get yourself to a calm and balanced place and then decide what is right for YOU and how YOU want to spend the rest of your life.
Whether you stay or go, it sounds like you may have to make your own happiness, find your own interests and just enjoy life doing what you like doing...even if you have to do it alone.
Sending big hugs because it sounds like you could use them.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Just sending more hugs and echoing what has been said...Neither one of them will change until they are ready. I think that quiet time for you, whether taking some long walks, driving in the country, a weekend away, a yoga class, or some meditation might help you get to know yourself again and find out what you want next. You deserve happiness!! 
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
katie44,
Well, first off, hugs to you, you sound like you need a few!
As for all the drama and chaos...I'd say, get yourself out of it. Detach from all the drama and chaos, and start living YOUR life.
Do you have any money of your own? If so, then join a painting class, or ceramic class, or a dance class. Find some healthy outlets just for YOU.
You can't change them, but you sure can change you.
Hugs to you sweetie,
Well, first off, hugs to you, you sound like you need a few!
As for all the drama and chaos...I'd say, get yourself out of it. Detach from all the drama and chaos, and start living YOUR life.
Do you have any money of your own? If so, then join a painting class, or ceramic class, or a dance class. Find some healthy outlets just for YOU.
You can't change them, but you sure can change you.
Hugs to you sweetie,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Thankyou for your replies. Always chaos arround addicts. It is so hard to detach from it. Sometimes the only way I see is to leave. Im 44 years old and it seems like the years are starting to speed by, I just cant see spending the rest of my life around this.
Thankyou again.
Thankyou again.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Katie,
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Have you tried Al Anon meetings? It's a place where you can go for support and be with other people who are also dealing with the problem of addiction. I know my life started to become more manageable after I added meetings to my life. And I read and posted on this board, listening to wise people who were making it despite their alcoholic/drug addicted loved one.
Your AH and AS are responsible for their decisions. The bad part is we, as the loved one, suffer pain from their choices. But there ARE choices we can make as to how involved we want to stay in their lives. It takes time and work, but there is a better and more peaceful way to live with addiction.
I hope to see you around some more. And I hope you find a meeting.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Have you tried Al Anon meetings? It's a place where you can go for support and be with other people who are also dealing with the problem of addiction. I know my life started to become more manageable after I added meetings to my life. And I read and posted on this board, listening to wise people who were making it despite their alcoholic/drug addicted loved one.
Your AH and AS are responsible for their decisions. The bad part is we, as the loved one, suffer pain from their choices. But there ARE choices we can make as to how involved we want to stay in their lives. It takes time and work, but there is a better and more peaceful way to live with addiction.
I hope to see you around some more. And I hope you find a meeting.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
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