Pretzel

I'm depressed this evening. I know I put myself here but that doesn't help. I don't know how to deal with the people I have hurt.

I'm trying to change.

warrens

Pretzel

You are in a good place. People here are quite familiar with what you describe. We are all at different points of recovery. You cannot surprise anyone, so let it go, let it flow.

With help, you can go from "trying to change" to "changing" in a short time. So, you got something to lose?

warrens

lovingseren

Two of the things that used to keep me stuck in the ditch were guilt and shame.

I finally got sobriety, then recovery, and then healing....for me and for those I had hurt.

It took a while to get sick, it will take a while to get better.

Baby steps and lighten up on yourself.

Seren

resistra

Absolutely, this is a good place. Try making a posting a list (without names) of your screw-ups. Heck, I got a few screw-ups, not as many as others, but there's one rather big one - called productivity where I have lost COUNTLESS valuable hours of work! Which translates to rather huge $$$. That loss, has affected my family and I horribly for the last 3 years - damn.

Anyway, getting it out is like step 1 to get some basic solace, and give you some room to breathe and relax. Nobody likes what this kind of **** behavior has done to us and those we love and care about.

Mattcake

Welcome to SR pretzel, you'll find lots of support here so please stick around. Work on yourself, then concentrate on making ammends with whomever you think you might have hurt.

Seren I really like your posts. Thanks. Think you're right. I, for one, tend to forget that it took me several years to dig myself into this hole, so I can't expect to magically feel better overnight. Although I am praying for a miracle, lol.

Matt

Pretzel

Thanks warren. I don't know what to say though. I have drank too much for too long. I have let down members of my family over and over again. They are tired of me so here I sit alone. Only this time I am sober. I look around at the destruction I have created and am not sure I want to stay sober.

Mattcake

Pretzel, giving in will only make it worse. Try to give yourself some space and time to heal a bit, that's the starting point before you can rebuild the "destruction" around you.

Matt

lovingseren

Matt is right, if we keep ourselves stuck in our "stuff", then we stay drinking.

I have seen many, myself included, who have gone on to a healthy and fulfilling new life, they have made peace with those they hurt, and they have shown their sorrow and regret by "getting and staying sober'........that meant so much to my children, family and friends.

Words are cheap, actions speak a lot louder.

Seren

resistra

And if this stuff wasn't so addicting and destructive we'd all be as high as a kite having the time of our lives!

The only problem is, your statement gives you an excuse to drink again. As long as your mind keeps going through that level of self-doubt, self-pity, pete and repeat, your resistance to the behavior will always be weak. You are thinking along the lines of re-enabling yourself to drink and drink and drink. Stop thinking like that.

Even if you're one step from being the drunk living in the alleyway with no place to live, nothing to eat, and no job, there is always something to rebuild from. It may not be what you had, but it'll still be you.

Give living without that stuff a try and see what happens. You'll certainly be thinking more clearly.

nogard

Welcome to SR

warrens

Well Pretzel

Sure got yourself in a "twist" by comin' on here didn't Ya?

Bet you didn't expect so many replies in minutes. From people who aren't exactly inexperienced in this stuff.

Caution: Something I learned rather quick about this "community." It is a pretty "huggy" and safe place. But one thing you will get "called on" quick is self pity., as it pretty much prevents discussion or moving out of the tiny circle you have painted yourself.

But then, none of us has been there. It may be hard for us to understand <grin>.

But, the good thing about this place is that you have to try to find it. I did. It didn't fall from the sky. I had to find it, register, post, read, write. What a hassle, eh?

But it means you have put a tippy toe out of that circle. Good for you.

And Welcome Again!

warrens

Pretzel

I do apreciate the responses. You people seem to care about each other, I'm happy for you.
I don't know if I'm feeling self pity, guilt or shame. I'm not really sure what I feel anymore if anything. I don't seem to be able to relate to people or visa versa. I don't understand why not. My brain just isn't wired the same way. It's ok I'm used to it, I just wish I could somehow make it up to the people who didn't deserve what I gave them in life. Perhaps time will make the difference. For now I'm just down. I am not drinking tonight and I'm not really sure why. I guess I'm tired of me on alcohol too.

Thank you for listening.

Mattcake

Pretzel, this is great news. Not in a masochistic way of course. Feelings don't magically disappear when you drink. They stay within you and fester, and build up. Eventually it may seem that the only way to keep them in check is by drinking more. Guess what? If you stop drinking, even just for tonight, and allow yourself to feel them, they will go away. It's okay to feel depressed, just as it's okay to feel happy. Posting about how you feel can help you unburden. And eventually - and I'm simplifying here - you might not need a drink anymore. Arguably no one dies of sadness (hmmm...). But plenty do die of alcoholism. Just MHO.

Take care,

Matt

reed

just take it easy, it will be a new day soon. sleep is a good friend to people, your thoughts will clear a bit after rest.