katyk

My AH was in a great mood yesterday. When I was on my way home from work, we talked on the phone. I'm quite sure he was sober. He was positive, and thanked me for being so supportive and sticking by him through all of his problems (he doesn't have a program, but he does occasionally fess up to drug/alcohol dependency, and doesn't do much about it, except clean up his act for short periods of time). He helped me make dinner, and was overall very positive.

Then, when he tucked me into bed, I saw it in his eyes! The man was high! I'm guessing a low dose of whatever he was taking, because it was subtle pupillary constriction. He denied it, saying he'd only smoked one cigarrette and drank one beer at the neighboors house. I just didn't believe him, and I spiraled into accusations and negative thinking. And then, of course, I was second-guessing myself, and the voice in my head said I was crazy, that he probably was sober, I was losing my mind. But more importantly, I felt like everything that was good about the evening went to ****, everything he said meant nothing, and I felt angry and hurt.

I know you have to detach, and I know he didn't use because of me. And he probably did mean all the nice things he said. I just felt empty inside, like everything was crashing down.

I can't live and die for what he does or does not choose to use, and I can't let him ruin my positive mental attitude. But it does affect me very much, and I'm not happy being around it.

So, I'm trying to find a balance here. Detachment without total uncaring. Its very hard, and I guess that's why many marriages with addiction problems are so troubled.

Thanks for any advice in advance. I'm grateful for the oppourtunity to type out my thoughts in this forum.

outonalimb

great post katyk.
It really hits home with me...

Addiciton made me question myself.

Where once I was a very self-assured, confident woman, I found myself questioning my sanity...my judgment...my values...my whole life.
It was like being thrown into a house of mirrors where nothing is as it seems.
It really knocked the wind out of my sails and I lost all sense of direction about where I was headed and what I wanted out of my life.

People often talk about cherishing time with an addict when they are straight but the danger in doing this is that suddenly you look up and you see drugs looking back at you and its as if nothing that happened earlier was real.

I completely understand what you are saying.

I guess its hard to let go of fantasies about the way you thought your life would go...but thats why I like my tag line so much...about letting go of the life you have planned...so much truth to all of this.

Anyway..you aren't alone in your feelings. I'm walking beside you.

Hugs...

katyk

Thanks, outonalimb.
You nailed it on the head: "Addiction made me question myself."
I struggle a lot with the fact that my life didn't turn out as I planned (and unlike many others, I had a good family life growing up and have been really blessed on so many levels). So, its been a painful but insightful journey so far. I try to be grateful while I mourn for the life I had, the life we had. Gotta move on, though, and live in the present.

LiveLife

Detachment without uncaring .....

This was really difficult for me until I realized that the detachment was more about me and less about him. I decided I was no longer going to let my ABF have an impact on every thought I had and every decision I made in my life. He certainly wasn't taking my well being into consideration while he was out spending every last cent we had getting high.

I had to give my self permission to live my life.

I loved him desperately. So much so that I had sacrificed myself and my children to his addiction. I put the ball in his court. Find a way to stop and get into recovery ... or let me be. He chose to continue his life with drugs and he's in jail now.

Two months later, I am living my life and have accomplished more than I did during 18 months living with an addict.

I miss him. I'm lonely for him ... but in the end it was his choice. For me that's what detachment was. Giving him the space to make his choice.

imallright

KAtyK.... I am so glad you are here. Keep posting. You are right you need to think of you. It hard to think that someone who can be so nice can then turn around and disrespect you. It is the addiction not the person. You take care of you and keep coming here for support

Sierra-Jess

My DH's addiction made me question my own judgement many times. I totally understand what your talking about KatyK!!! Hang in there . You're in good company here on SR!!

Wascally Wabbit

When it came to my son, I thought I was a terrible mom. He would lie about everything, and I would find out later that I fell for it. It nearly drove me insane. I would listen to him lie to me, and question myself every time. I questioned why I could blame him for doing something he denies and insists he isn't doing. It was a guilt trip.

Now, I know better.

Sara21

Hi Katyk,
You posted exactly what I have been thinking lately....how to detach, but still care for our loved one? It is so difficult to see the addiction take over our loved one, but I am working on not letting it take over my entire life. I, too, have felt the pain, anger, sadness, resentment, and betrayal due to my husband's addiction. You said you didn't want your AH to ruin you positive mental attitude and I feel the same way. Hold on to your positive thoughts and the good things you have going on in your life. Rember to take some time for yourself and for YOUR recovery. Hugs

katyk

Thanks to all that responded. I wish there was an easier answer. I'm just meditating on it.

Have a great day, full of mental clarity-- that's what I'm hoping for!

jerect

I having problems with detatching too... it's so hard yet I know I need to for my own sanity.

hello-kitty

I don't understand why people think that detaching means that you don't care. Actually, I think it means the exact opposite. It means you care enough not to watch your loved one abuse themselves with drugs. It means you respect yourself enough, that you don't allow others to treat you disrespectfully. If you don't respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you?

Marriage with addicts are troubled because addicts put drugs before anything and anyone, even if they are nice sometimes, given a choice they will choose to use drugs over having a healthy relationship with their spouse. That fact is not going to change, no matter how much we try to understand or deal with their addiction. That is why we need to focus on ourselves and learn why we would choose to be with someone who loves drugs more than they love us.

Once you figure the answer to that question out, it's much easier to "detach with caring". You can still care about someone, but you don't have to accept being 2nd place to drugs in your relationship.

You have to love yourself enough to set boundaries in your relationship. If you don't people will just walk all over you. That's not love. That's being taken advantage of.

katyk

I think the only way I can be around the addiction and not have it bother me is if I don't care at all. Maybe it just feels like I'll never detach from the pain of watching my AH kill himself and everything he loves. I know AlAnon says you can be happy whether the loved one is drinking or not, but its hard to see how I can do that if he's in my life, in my home, while actively using. I guess I believe its possible, those founders of the program knew what they were talking about, but I'm not sure I'll get there. I'm not sure I want to.

I know I can be happy, and its something I accomplish many days of the week. But I don't know if I can be happy-- with him.

outtolunch

We may be the only people in the world who begin with my _________ was in a great mood _________. Do we do this because we allow someone else's mood determine our own mood/outcome?


How can I hear this when others do it and still be deaf when the same words fly out of me? Selective hearing in progress here.

katyk

Pretty sad, isn't it? I'm sure my AH doesn't keep track of what my mood is from day to day. Food for though...

hello-kitty

poor katyk (I'm a katy too). I think you are right on a lot of things you said in response to my post. I haven't been able to detach from the pain of knowing that my sons father is killing himself with drugs. That kind of pain doesn't go away. But it's a lot easier for me to know it from a distance than to be involved in it every single day and know that no matter how hard I try I cannot stop it.

In my mind I say, "I must focus on the living". Because until he quits living that lifestyle, he's basically dead already.

((Hugs to you)))

imallright

Wow! Thanks Kitty. That last post was sooo powerful for me. You are strong. Please keep posting and talking...it is really helping me and Lord knows I need all the help I can get. I want to be happy and light hearted again.

LiveLife

Following are some of my notes from Beyond Codependency. They are not Melody Beattie's words exactly. I changed her words a bit to speak to me directly. Trying to bring some sort of "normalcy" to life with an addict is incredibly challenging. Focusing on myself seemed selfish at the time, but it was what my family needed. It's like they tell you on an airplane. Put your own oxygen mask on first, then help those who depend on you.


I will stop enduring life .... I will live life.

I will not obsessively try to control others ... I will learn to detach.

I will not allow others to hurt and use me .... I will set boundaries.

I will not react... I will learn to relax and let things settle into place.

I will not use tunnel vision ... I will seek perspective.

I will not worry and deny .... I will learn constructive problem solving skills.

I will learn to feel and express feelings.

I will learn to value what I want and need.

I will not punish myself for my addict's problems, nonsense or insanity.

I will not expect myself to be perfect. I will not expect my addict to be perfect.

I will not get tangled up in craziness.

I will not be a victim.

I will be good to myself, I will have fun and I will enjoy life.

ctrom40

I will also do......
all of the above, too.

Thanks,
Colleen

katyk

Thanks for sharing your notes, LiveLife. They are a great reminder to all of us...