faith12

The hardest part for me now with my recovering alcoholic is her lack of motivation. Although she is recovering she now sits around the house day in and day out doing nothing but reading books, watching TV and little else. She's inbetween jobs and needs one. She doesn't do anything athletic which is huge for recovery and often is just lazy and negative. I yell, I'm sweet, I'm motivational, I try doing nothing, I try setting the good example and none of it works. I just want to scream and do honestly, "Snap out of it. You have a life and people that love you. Quit wasting it all!" Sometimes I just feel like leaving and starting over. I'm living her life for her and its like taking care of a 12-year-old. She's 30 for God's sake and suppossed to be a responsible wife. We don't even have kids yet luckily. She has nothing stopping her from getting well and moving on, yet she just doesn't. I think the term is a "dry-drunk." I go to Al-Anon but sometimes that isn't even helpful. I'm just frustrated today.

peaceteach

Hi faith12,

Last night I clicked on the newcomers forum and read the following thread. It doesn't really give YOU what you want, but it is the voice of the recovering addict in response to your frustrations and where they actually are in their recovery stages. I don't have any personal knowledge of what it must be like to quit drinking and those trying are going through way more than I could possibly realize in their efforts. Maybe your wife would want you to read this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ustration.html

Kindeyes

Does she go to AA? Are the books she is reading related to recovery? Is it possible that she is depressed and needs to see her doctor?

I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now.

gentle hugs

prodigal

Therein lies your problem. How about leaving her alone and allowing her AS AN ADULT to trash her own life? She is not a 12-year-old, and the only life you have a right to live is your own.

The surest and quickest route to complete meltdown and total insanity in our own lives is to start focusing all our energies and efforts on someone else's life - messes and all.

Barbara52

You cannot make her do anything. If you are unsatisfied with your life with her, perhaps its time to make some changes in your life.

denny57

I can't measure someone else's recovery by MY standards. She is living the life she wants; are you?

katyk

My AH doesn't have a program, and he doesn't work half as hard at anything as I do. I'm pretty successful in my career and he only shines once in a while, when his drug of choice becomes work and he puts forth real effort. He talks about all his plans, but mostly he just plays video games all night instead of using his energy for productive efforts.

I think their disease makes them in denial about their progress (or lack thereof), and their hatred for themselves makes them self-defeating in every way. Its very hard to live with, though.

hope2bhappy

Sounds like you have tried everything to take charge of your A's recovery. Here's an idea... stop it.

justanothrdrunk

Mental illness, depression in the mix perhaps? That's something that may need to be looked at.

It's really hard for me to get motivated (gots the depression and anxiety), even with the medication.

I'm now sober, but I'm still learning how to live sober. All I did was get drunk, so what do I do with my time now? I don't know what I like to do because I've never done anything else.

faith12

I thank everyone for all the feedback. I do. The thing that frusrates me is that I am married to this person so Its hard for me to just let her hit rock bottom and destroy her life in her own due time as its my life as well. If she were my child well I could push her out there and say, "well I've done the best I can do and she needs to figure it out on her own." The other thing is alcoholic or not we still need her to work and if she wasn't with me she wouldn't have choice in the matter. We just do financially and its a responsibility. The other tough thing is that I married this person for better or for worse and I'm staying for better for for worse. She had hobbies before she became a drunk. I guess none of them are that enticing to her any more though. I don't mean to sound harsh people. Again I'm just a bit frustrated right now.

denny57

There are many resources available for those who choose to stay and live with the addict in their lives.

You say Al-Anon has not been helpful. Is it because you hoped to influence her to change? I had to learn the only person I can change is myself.

((( )))

faith12

This is a really hard place to be in. I moved away and told her she could not be with me unless she went to rehab and dedicated herself to recovery. After a lot of fighting she went and did the program. She promised she'd change and work on recovery, get a job and move in with me. Its been almost 4 months and nothing has been even close to that picture. She's been drunk at least three times and hidden drinking from me other times. She's laid around in the house and watched TV. Not one resume written, not one job applied for. I struggle to make ends meet on my own while she doesn't lift a finger pretty much. I just don't think that I can recover when she doesn't want to recover. As much as I want to stand by her she's killing me and I feel like wasting my life. I want to have a family yet she is such a mess. I've given up drinking myself, I go to Al-Anon and I try to be positive for her. It doesn't seem to matter as she is just depressed, non-motivated and apathetic. Maybe leaving her would be the best thing I could do for both of us. I love her but I'm so frustrated that she'll never get better ever and then I'll have wasted my life's dreams and ambitions. Truly challenging.

denny57

This is who she is today and only you can decide if you can accept that.

FormerDoormat

I think this is just another excuse I made for accepting unacceptable behavior from my boyfriend. His self-hatred, self-defeating ways, and lack of motivation had nothing to do with his drinking. It was who he was BEFORE he took his first drink. His drinking was his excuse for his lack of action and accomplishments and my excuse for hanging on.

The more time I spend on this forum, the more it becomes clear to me that my partner's drinking or behavior was not the problem. I had my own set of self-defeating behaviors. My boyfriend just came along for the ride.

NoChoice

I am not sure how long she has been sober. When I got sober all I could do was smoke cigs, drink coffee, go to meetings and try to understand my new life (sobriety). They say that when you start drinking, that is the age that you stop growing so if you stop drinking you revert to that age when you quit! I know! I know! I know that for me when I quit...and found the rooms, my world was upside down for a good bit. Normally a very physically fit person, I started smoking ( a whole lot) and doing anything I could do to not feel because the feelings were so overwhelming because I had not felt them for so long. You have to give it all to God. I heard at a meeting yesterday "if I put me and my recovery first, everything else fals into place." I thought that was so simple and oh, so very true! Take care of you first, or you will be no good to anyone else. God is in charge, expect the unexpected, it could be beyond your wildest dreams. I was married for 5 months. I too was married for better or worse but alcoholism wasn't written into my vows.