Hello, I'm new here and wondering if I came to the right place..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Hello, I'm new here and wondering if I came to the right place..
My name is Jennifer and I am married to a great guy who has been taken over by prescription drugs and other substances. We have a 1 month old daughter, who I fear is the only thing keeping him on this earth.
He's had a rough past. He was given up for adoption at the age of 3, because of molestation and abuse. He was adopted at the age of 6 just to have the same thing done to him. He told me he had used cocaine throughout high school off and on. He joined the military after graduation and served for 5 1/2 years. That's where I met him. He was in a bad car accident and broke his back a few years ago. The navy wouldn't let him have surgery for 2 years. Until his surgery, he was on Oxycontin, valium, vicodin, basically everything. He hasn't abused it up until recently. He was prescribed valium about 3 weeks ago. We went to visit some family about 2 hours away so they could see the baby and the entire weekend he was high! He blamed it on an allergic reaction.. But I was so embarrassed. He went back to work that week, and they ended up sending him home because he was too high to work. He realized his problem and told me where the valium was so I could take them away. I gathered up all of the medication, including some Tylenol 3's the doctor had given me and I currently have them locked away.
We went last week and enrolled him in an outpatient rehab. He seems like he really wants to do this, but just the other night I stole his phone before he could delete his messages and I found out he had asked my little brother if he could get him some aderol. He's never taken aderol, but my dad found a bottle of them in his bed, so my husband knew he had access to them. He said he just wanted something. Well now he feels so worthless because he has the cravings and he feels like everyone around him hates him. My problem is I don't trust him. We made a pact that he would tell me everything. So far he's been doing good, but I feel bad because every time he tells me hasn't been using, I have a really really hard time believing him.
He has a constant amount of blood in his nose. It's usually dry and never runs like a normal bloody nose. He told me the last time he did coke was before Christmas and he hasn't done it since I met him before that. If he only did it that one time, why would his nose be like that? Is that normal in any kind of detox? I want to believe him, I really do. But I also know that this disease is capable of ruining people.
I'm sorry this was so long winded, I just need a place where I can find help for not only him, but for me and our family. Can anyone help me?
He's had a rough past. He was given up for adoption at the age of 3, because of molestation and abuse. He was adopted at the age of 6 just to have the same thing done to him. He told me he had used cocaine throughout high school off and on. He joined the military after graduation and served for 5 1/2 years. That's where I met him. He was in a bad car accident and broke his back a few years ago. The navy wouldn't let him have surgery for 2 years. Until his surgery, he was on Oxycontin, valium, vicodin, basically everything. He hasn't abused it up until recently. He was prescribed valium about 3 weeks ago. We went to visit some family about 2 hours away so they could see the baby and the entire weekend he was high! He blamed it on an allergic reaction.. But I was so embarrassed. He went back to work that week, and they ended up sending him home because he was too high to work. He realized his problem and told me where the valium was so I could take them away. I gathered up all of the medication, including some Tylenol 3's the doctor had given me and I currently have them locked away.
We went last week and enrolled him in an outpatient rehab. He seems like he really wants to do this, but just the other night I stole his phone before he could delete his messages and I found out he had asked my little brother if he could get him some aderol. He's never taken aderol, but my dad found a bottle of them in his bed, so my husband knew he had access to them. He said he just wanted something. Well now he feels so worthless because he has the cravings and he feels like everyone around him hates him. My problem is I don't trust him. We made a pact that he would tell me everything. So far he's been doing good, but I feel bad because every time he tells me hasn't been using, I have a really really hard time believing him.
He has a constant amount of blood in his nose. It's usually dry and never runs like a normal bloody nose. He told me the last time he did coke was before Christmas and he hasn't done it since I met him before that. If he only did it that one time, why would his nose be like that? Is that normal in any kind of detox? I want to believe him, I really do. But I also know that this disease is capable of ruining people.
I'm sorry this was so long winded, I just need a place where I can find help for not only him, but for me and our family. Can anyone help me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Hi Jenn.... you have come to the right place. There are many people here who can support you and help you find the resources you need to stay strong and take care of the baby. It's great that he is gong to rehab... but it's going to be a long haul and a choice and move that he is going to have to want to do. You need to trust your instincts and seek support. Your baby needs you. Talk to friends, family, minister, alanon group... and keep coming back here. You will find a way to get to a better place. It's not easy, but stay strong. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: N. California
Posts: 50
Hi Jenn,
I am new also, it looks like we are dealing with similar circumstances. I know this forum will help . I am glad you are here. I finally registered after reading your post and seeing similarities in our situation. You sound like a great person.
I am new also, it looks like we are dealing with similar circumstances. I know this forum will help . I am glad you are here. I finally registered after reading your post and seeing similarities in our situation. You sound like a great person.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Thank you for your reply! I'm hoping to start in some alanon groups. His counselor gave me a list of places that have them. For him as well. My biggest thing is making sure his will power to get better stays strong. Is there anything I can do to encourage him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Sierra-Jess 
Hi Jenn,
I am new also, it looks like we are dealing with similar circumstances. I know this forum will help . I am glad you are here. I finally registered after reading your post and seeing similarities in our situation. You sound like a great person.
I am new also, it looks like we are dealing with similar circumstances. I know this forum will help . I am glad you are here. I finally registered after reading your post and seeing similarities in our situation. You sound like a great person.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. Keep reading and posting. There is lots of great information on this site. Take care of your daughter and yourself first. That is the best way to help a recovering addict. Allow him the dignity of taking care of himself and making his own choices about how he lives his life. I hope that he makes it! But most important, whatever he does, I hope that you make it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
And Jenn, you can't make sure his will power to get better stays strong. Unfortunately you have no control over him or his addiction. You didn't cause it, and You can't control it and You can't cure it. That's what you learn in alanon. :-) I hope you stick around and keep us posted on the situation.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi...welcome to SR. You'll find tons of folks who have been or are where you are now. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Keep reading posts and the "stickies" at the top of the page...they are great help. If you can find those Alanon or Naranon meetings, please go...the face to face support is amazing. He will probably attend AA or NA..The "anons" are for the friends and family of addicts. Unfortunately, we become kinda of sick too as we get sucked into the drama and insanity of living with active addiction. Because we loose trust, we start snooping and spying and following and controlling...it can really impact our physical and emotional health. So our program helps us to learn how to take the focus off the addict and onto ourselves so we can start to heal. Glad you found us! Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Welcome! Alanon, Naranon, this board, friends and family (who understand), books - they all combined to make the cocktail that saved my sanity when I found out what I had been living with! You are in the right place!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 50
Hi Jenn and welcome! I too, am the wife of an addict. Also the mother of 2 children (3 and 2 yrs old) I recently found SR and have also found strength, hope and wisdom from everyone here. You will too. I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Welcome Jennifer,
Yes, you are at the right place. My boyfriend was molested and abused at a very young age. His mother allowed his abusers to stay at their house. She shot heroin in his veins the first time when he was 10 years old. He did the same for her for years because she was too sick to do it herself. He sold drugs at school at age 11 to pay the bills to take care of his brother and sister because his mother was too sick to take care of them.
When I met him he was not actively using drugs, but after 4 amazing years he gave into his cravings and started using again. Having never been around drugs and addiction myself, I was thrown into a world I knew nothing about.
This forum has helped me more than I can find words to express. Just knowing that I am not alone has literally saved my life many times over. I have two young boys, 5 and 7 and I nearly forgot them in the turmoil of trying to "heal" my best friend.
Please keep coming back. Never be afraid to share what you are feeling because someone here has been there, too. We truly do care about you. Take care of yourself and your baby .... it may seem backwards at times, but it is the best way to help your husband.
********{Hugs}}}}}
Yes, you are at the right place. My boyfriend was molested and abused at a very young age. His mother allowed his abusers to stay at their house. She shot heroin in his veins the first time when he was 10 years old. He did the same for her for years because she was too sick to do it herself. He sold drugs at school at age 11 to pay the bills to take care of his brother and sister because his mother was too sick to take care of them.
When I met him he was not actively using drugs, but after 4 amazing years he gave into his cravings and started using again. Having never been around drugs and addiction myself, I was thrown into a world I knew nothing about.
This forum has helped me more than I can find words to express. Just knowing that I am not alone has literally saved my life many times over. I have two young boys, 5 and 7 and I nearly forgot them in the turmoil of trying to "heal" my best friend.
Please keep coming back. Never be afraid to share what you are feeling because someone here has been there, too. We truly do care about you. Take care of yourself and your baby .... it may seem backwards at times, but it is the best way to help your husband.
********{Hugs}}}}}
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Jen and welcome to SR ! Yes, you're most definitely in the right place. Lots of us here who have been in your situation or something very similar.
One big think I've learned here is that it doesn't matter WHO the addict is in our life because so many of the issues and struggles are the same. I'm glad you've joined us and I hope you stick around...This place has been a true beacon of light for me. IT really has.
My exah (exaddicted husband) started using heroin when our son was just 3 years old. IT took me about a year to figure out that the problem was drugs and not depression.
It was such a scary time.
I felt really trapped and helpless...and I remember reading the obituaries one day and thinking that the people listed were lucky...because their struggle was over. I didn't know it at the time but obviously, I was also very seriously depressed. I stayed with my exah for almost 3 years feeling sorry for him and trying to fix him.
The hardest thing I did was leave...and yet it was the easiest because it got to the point that I was in jeopardy of losing my child and my career due to his addiction.
My life isn't perfect...the wounds from dealing with addiction in your marriage take a long time to heal..but I'm definitely a work in progress and I've reclaimed alot of peace and happiness in my life. I attribute alot of this to the wonderful people here at SR... and my Higher Power who I happen to call God.
Anyway, welcome again.
Please stick around...
One big think I've learned here is that it doesn't matter WHO the addict is in our life because so many of the issues and struggles are the same. I'm glad you've joined us and I hope you stick around...This place has been a true beacon of light for me. IT really has.
My exah (exaddicted husband) started using heroin when our son was just 3 years old. IT took me about a year to figure out that the problem was drugs and not depression.
It was such a scary time.
I felt really trapped and helpless...and I remember reading the obituaries one day and thinking that the people listed were lucky...because their struggle was over. I didn't know it at the time but obviously, I was also very seriously depressed. I stayed with my exah for almost 3 years feeling sorry for him and trying to fix him.
The hardest thing I did was leave...and yet it was the easiest because it got to the point that I was in jeopardy of losing my child and my career due to his addiction.
My life isn't perfect...the wounds from dealing with addiction in your marriage take a long time to heal..but I'm definitely a work in progress and I've reclaimed alot of peace and happiness in my life. I attribute alot of this to the wonderful people here at SR... and my Higher Power who I happen to call God.
Anyway, welcome again.
Please stick around...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement. I do plan on staying around! You have no idea (but I'm sure you do) how relieved I feel to have found such a great community. Well, so far 
I do feel like it's corrupting me too.. I totally agree that I find myself so paranoid that I feel the need to snoop and spy. That's how I found out about him and my brother. He actually told me though that he was glad I found that message. That made me feel a little better. I know he wants to help himself, but like I said before.. My biggest fear is that he won't stay as strong as he has been and gives into his cravings.
LiveLife, your story gave me goosebumps! I'm so sorry..
Sometimes I feel after I read so many of your stories that in a way, what I have been dealing with is so small. I know that addiction is addiction, but I thank god it's not heroin or something that is so hard to come off. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to go through something like that.
I find myself real annoyed with him sometimes. I'm wondering if this is normal? When he sniffles, which seems like constantly.. It's like being poked in the same spot 1,000 times in one place. Just little things. I sometimes wish he would act more mature. I feel like I'm starting to nag and be controlling. I hate it, it's not me, but I just can't help myself! I feel terrible
I do feel like it's corrupting me too.. I totally agree that I find myself so paranoid that I feel the need to snoop and spy. That's how I found out about him and my brother. He actually told me though that he was glad I found that message. That made me feel a little better. I know he wants to help himself, but like I said before.. My biggest fear is that he won't stay as strong as he has been and gives into his cravings.
LiveLife, your story gave me goosebumps! I'm so sorry..
Sometimes I feel after I read so many of your stories that in a way, what I have been dealing with is so small. I know that addiction is addiction, but I thank god it's not heroin or something that is so hard to come off. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to go through something like that.
I find myself real annoyed with him sometimes. I'm wondering if this is normal? When he sniffles, which seems like constantly.. It's like being poked in the same spot 1,000 times in one place. Just little things. I sometimes wish he would act more mature. I feel like I'm starting to nag and be controlling. I hate it, it's not me, but I just can't help myself! I feel terrible
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Jenn...I am right with you, but you hit it on the head... "addiction is addiction". One of the most difficult parts for me is how it made me feel like a snoop, untrusting, paranoid, nagging... but remember, you are trying to take care of yourself. It's ok. Sometimes it feels like it would be easier to just ignore it all... but it's really not. You need to keep working and keeping coming here for support.
Hugs to you
Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 64
I HATE feeling like a nag. I am totally against nagging, but guess what I find myself doing all the time . . . don't smoke in the house, don't spent another $100, don't drive impaired to the store to buy MORE BEER . . . UHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by biocat
I HATE feeling like a nag. I am totally against nagging, but guess what I find myself doing all the time . . . don't smoke in the house, don't spent another $100, don't drive impaired to the store to buy MORE BEER . . . UHG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate feeling that way.
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