Being lied to......
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Being lied to......
... feels right down to the bone.... to the core. The actual feeling of being lied to hurts worse than the act itself. The act I can not own, but the feeling of hurt I can. I have to change up my thinking. The truth is he may*think* he is not choosing his high over me, but that the high is a necessity. Meanwhile, I feel it down deep inside, that he is being un-truthful. That's because he... IS! I know all of that. What hurts me is that I lost my self-confidence, some ego bruised, and I think and wonder just how did I do this AGAIN! I I really really love him, but............ If you REALLY love someone you don't have a "but" and a "love" in the same sentence. Anyway, what I'm saying is, that it hurts in the gut when I think and feel that here I loved someone so much, and yet they weren't able to be totally honest! Now, I don't just mean the act of doing the drug. I mean, being honest about their whereabouts or where they would be going or who they would be seeing or where they spent their money or even would get their money. Then on top of that, being able to come home and stay with the same story! Or better yet, remember them!!! Then I wonder, is it me whose crazy? I could never be able to remember all theses lies! Surely, if he were on drugs, he wouldn't be able to too! And he does have the repercussion of the concussion from several years ago... so if he does get muddled up - then that could be why! But noooo noooo noooo ~ I do my FBI work and find so much evidence! Then what's great... even after I say to myself, if there is anything that I find incriminating (how many times do we need to do this)... I am DONE! Well, wouldn't you know it, but the bar just keeps getting raised higher! It's going to go so high that it's not only going to chop his head off, but take mine in the process! So, finally, it hits me. I don't want to lose my head ~ even more than I have~! So I start to get strong, and then I mourn, and then I become angry, and then I become so sad and heavy. Do you know why? Because I start to feel bad for myself, like... "I just went through something so painful and at what point should I have ended it? When was the for sure sign that I was using that word "but"? What should I have done differently? Well, for what it's worth, and I think it's worth a lot to say, it was meant to happen to make us who we are today! The best part, is we get to learn from it! It's the laws of attraction! I have been in heavy personal and support driven therapy since December. This week, within 2 days of each other, I have had 2 recovering addicts contact me out of the blue! It's been a couple of years since speaking with them. These 2 guys I have known since high school - and they are really interested in having those soulful conversations. Really excited about how much better their lives are and what they have learned from their addiction. Sharing the codie viewpoint vs the addict! Really good soulful conversations! Well heck! What is the universe trying to show me? I mean - it's great! I'm moving on up!!!! Going from addicts to recovering addicts in my law of attraction! Wahooo!!! LOL That I am proud to say is a big one! 
What is the Universe telling me? It's telling me that my XABF is so not working the recovery like these other guys have ~ he is still in denial! And you know what? I'm in recovery and I know that I can not control it, cure it, or cause it! Therefor, I can only make me happy! Are these feelings of anxiety and sickness in my stomach worth our relationship - most importantly, my sanity? And then the act of challenging !?! Like an "ah ha! I caught ya!" .." I WAS RIGHT....... I'm not crazy after all!" ..... No you aren't crazy, I'm not crazy ~ What we are subjecting ourselves to is crazy!
Here is something I read and it made a lot of sense to me - maybe it will to you too:
"...Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need... and that person is YOU."
It's our RIGHT to have a CHOICE!
Peace~ xoxo
PS. You know what the Universe is also telling me? I am treading my way through recovery!
What is the Universe telling me? It's telling me that my XABF is so not working the recovery like these other guys have ~ he is still in denial! And you know what? I'm in recovery and I know that I can not control it, cure it, or cause it! Therefor, I can only make me happy! Are these feelings of anxiety and sickness in my stomach worth our relationship - most importantly, my sanity? And then the act of challenging !?! Like an "ah ha! I caught ya!" .." I WAS RIGHT....... I'm not crazy after all!" ..... No you aren't crazy, I'm not crazy ~ What we are subjecting ourselves to is crazy! Here is something I read and it made a lot of sense to me - maybe it will to you too:
"...Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need... and that person is YOU."
It's our RIGHT to have a CHOICE!
Peace~ xoxo
PS. You know what the Universe is also telling me? I am treading my way through recovery!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
I hear you, abundance. Done, done, done.
You know, when I was using, it was almost as important to keep my story straight and my lies in order as it was to get more drugs. It's top priority! But it had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband. It was just about the using.
You know, when I was using, it was almost as important to keep my story straight and my lies in order as it was to get more drugs. It's top priority! But it had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband. It was just about the using.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by sleepygoat 
I hear you, abundance. Done, done, done.
You know, when I was using, it was almost as important to keep my story straight and my lies in order as it was to get more drugs. It's top priority! But it had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband. It was just about the using.
You know, when I was using, it was almost as important to keep my story straight and my lies in order as it was to get more drugs. It's top priority! But it had nothing to do with how I felt about my husband. It was just about the using.
And lets just say..... I have it all wrong! Yep... it's all in my head!?! Well... I really don't know what else I can do? I can't fake it til' I make it with trusting him~ he has to earn my trust! He's just using still, and if he isn't - then he is one double faced individual! But guess what? So am I ! It's all in my reactions... not my action. He acts and i re-act! I flip flop across the board!
Come on heart....catch up with my head will ya?!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
You have put into words everything that I am feeling. I have thought it was me and that I was nuts for years. My AH would (will) lie and I believe it... there is always a shred of "you know better than that", but I want to trust him. I know that I can't and I resent his behavior and how he is treating me, but I know that he isn't doing it to hurt me necesarily. Even when the truth has smacked me in the face, somehow, I stay and say, it will change, or I can deal with it. BUT... I love the line in your post..."can't fake it until I make it...." I have tried this 1000000 times, and it doesn't work and I can't do it any more. My therapist says I have to keep working this and remembering that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. She tells me this is like a spiral...but that I need to think of the spiral as taking me to the top and shooting me out of the pain... not dragging me down. She is helping me to see that I need to worry and care for me first and not think I need to take care of him. Seems simple, right??? The words are... the actions, no. Seems awful to me that in order to do the right thing for me I need to detach and "disregard" his feelings... somehow, I forget to think about my feelings and what is right for me. WHY does that happen. I know I am rambling, but I need to get this out in so many ways. I need to read these posts and know I am not alone. Thank you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I remember my son's sober girlfriend once saying to me "It's not the drugs I mind so much, it's the lies and deception that is killing me". My reply was to tell her that the lies and deception ARE the drugs and addiction speaking.
It's insane, sticking around time after time expecting a using addict who has no interest in changing...to change. I waited years until I was dragged into hell too.
Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
That's what saved me. Surrendering in Step 1 and finding hope again in Step 2.
Meetings, working the steps and surrounding myself with support at SR are the only reason I am alive today.
Hugs
It's insane, sticking around time after time expecting a using addict who has no interest in changing...to change. I waited years until I was dragged into hell too.
Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
That's what saved me. Surrendering in Step 1 and finding hope again in Step 2.
Meetings, working the steps and surrounding myself with support at SR are the only reason I am alive today.
Hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
The comfort that I feel just posting here and getting a response is amazing. It is so difficult for me to talk to others around me about this. It is embarrassing. It is becoming clearer to me that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I need to get well. Please keep talking to me. It helps.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: To the North
Posts: 1,086
Imallright - you definitely have NOTHING to be ashamed of! I know that feeling too! Once I let go of the shame and embarrassment of my relationship (or lack thereof) with my husband (AH), then things started to "crystalize". Not that it made it easy or anything like that, but what I wanted to be happy was clearer and therefore something to work towards - with or without him. In my case it's without him, but for each of us it is different! Good luck! It does help to talk it out -
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I totaly see where you are coming from.
I told my AH that I felt like he was having an affair with the drugs. I mean he snuck around and got the drugs while I was not home, making sure he was home when I arrived back. He lied to me about his whereabouts, who he was with, where he had been, lied to me about how much money he made that night ( he is a bartender/server). Did whatever he could to cover his tracks. When I confronted him with my suspicions he lied to me or denied it, same thing. I mean it was just like a man cheating on his life only his lover wasn't a women it was oxycotin, percocet, loratab, loracet and God only knows what else.His top priority was the drugs. those were the love of his life. He disconnected from me emotionaly, physicaly and intimately so that he could be with the drugs.
I think this realization helped me to understand, why I'm so hurt, why I'm so angry, why I don't trust him. I'm still new to this so I'm still trying to figure out how to detach and how to set boundries.
I told my AH that I felt like he was having an affair with the drugs. I mean he snuck around and got the drugs while I was not home, making sure he was home when I arrived back. He lied to me about his whereabouts, who he was with, where he had been, lied to me about how much money he made that night ( he is a bartender/server). Did whatever he could to cover his tracks. When I confronted him with my suspicions he lied to me or denied it, same thing. I mean it was just like a man cheating on his life only his lover wasn't a women it was oxycotin, percocet, loratab, loracet and God only knows what else.His top priority was the drugs. those were the love of his life. He disconnected from me emotionaly, physicaly and intimately so that he could be with the drugs.
I think this realization helped me to understand, why I'm so hurt, why I'm so angry, why I don't trust him. I'm still new to this so I'm still trying to figure out how to detach and how to set boundries.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Being able to hear from so many others who understand is comforting. Keep coming back. I too have only been coming here for a short time, but already, I feel the support and strength. It is so difficult for me to talk to other people not in my situation about the issues. I feel like they are looking at me like "what the heck is wrong with you!!". Coming here makes me feel sane and strong. Thank you.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
The drugs are totally an affair! I have said the same thing! He has a mistress!
So.... lets say... it's not drugs.... but it's the complete and utter lack of respect and caring in the relationship! The lying. my "reaction" to what he does and what he says are totally different!
He will give me time in conversation and emails... the "oh baby baby please... we have come this far... don't throw the baby out with the bath water.... etc. etc." Well... it is then that I have a sense of relief - but then the actions don't add up and I'm left in a ball full of fury and insanity! What I have noticed most are my physical reactions! The stress in my neck and shoulders! Who wants that? NOT me!
I like the step 2 process.... I think I'm finally there....... all good things in good time my friends .... "Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
The power of telling us lies...... is not the greater power..... it's the greater manipulation! It is not authentic and it makes us not be able to trust ourselves!
Do as you say, and say as you do...... one of the golden rules.... dontcha think?
So.... lets say... it's not drugs.... but it's the complete and utter lack of respect and caring in the relationship! The lying. my "reaction" to what he does and what he says are totally different!
He will give me time in conversation and emails... the "oh baby baby please... we have come this far... don't throw the baby out with the bath water.... etc. etc." Well... it is then that I have a sense of relief - but then the actions don't add up and I'm left in a ball full of fury and insanity! What I have noticed most are my physical reactions! The stress in my neck and shoulders! Who wants that? NOT me!
I like the step 2 process.... I think I'm finally there....... all good things in good time my friends
.... "Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."The power of telling us lies...... is not the greater power..... it's the greater manipulation! It is not authentic and it makes us not be able to trust ourselves!
Do as you say, and say as you do...... one of the golden rules.... dontcha think?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by imallright
You have put into words everything that I am feeling. I have thought it was me and that I was nuts for years. My AH would (will) lie and I believe it... there is always a shred of "you know better than that", but I want to trust him. I know that I can't and I resent his behavior and how he is treating me, but I know that he isn't doing it to hurt me necesarily. Even when the truth has smacked me in the face, somehow, I stay and say, it will change, or I can deal with it. BUT... I love the line in your post..."can't fake it until I make it...." I have tried this 1000000 times, and it doesn't work and I can't do it any more. My therapist says I have to keep working this and remembering that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. She tells me this is like a spiral...but that I need to think of the spiral as taking me to the top and shooting me out of the pain... not dragging me down. She is helping me to see that I need to worry and care for me first and not think I need to take care of him. Seems simple, right??? The words are... the actions, no. Seems awful to me that in order to do the right thing for me I need to detach and "disregard" his feelings... somehow, I forget to think about my feelings and what is right for me. WHY does that happen. I know I am rambling, but I need to get this out in so many ways. I need to read these posts and know I am not alone. Thank you.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Wise
Originally Posted by Abundance
I'mallright - it is TOTALLY a spiral! I call it the cork screw though..... and I'm unscrewing the cork screw and going through it all over and over again as I'm unscrewing! Just shedding all of it and in the process I am finding ways in how to help myself and do things for myself. This include, and is not limited to, keeping myself busy at all times. Keeping a jam packed schedule to not allow his drama to interfere! What do you have planned for the rest of the weekend into next week, that is JUST FOR YOU?
I have trouble doing for me. I am trying to keep busy, because when I am not, I either think way too much and I start to get confused with what is right for me. I feel like I am stuck. I want to keep moving. I know that dealing with all that is happening and has happened takes time, but sometimes I can't tell if I am making sane progress. I think I need to look for and be happy with small steps towards my happiness and freedom. I think maybe I am looking for some HUGE flash of light and event... and maybe it doesn't happen that way. Thank you for your support. Please keep sharing your wisdom with me.
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