Kindeyes

Well A son called again today. And he started his nonsense. He told me a few days ago that he had stopped drinking and smoking pot. I could tell within a few minutes on the phone that that brief period of sobriety is over.

The phone call turned into a pity party (for him of course feeling sorry for himself and why has everyone turned on him etc etc.) Then he starts in on me. He'd ask me a question and I'd get two words out and he'd interrupt me. Then ask me another question and so on. Everything is everybody else's fault and I'm to blame for this and that. His counselor is to blame for this or that. His xgf is to blame for not letting him see his son. We start in the round and round game. Then he brings up anything he can that he knows is painful for me. I just got sick of it.

He was suppose to come over to our house to visit with his son (2 yr old) but I wound up hanging up with "And you are NOT welcome to come over tomorrow."

So he leaves me a saaaaad message and pleads with me to call him back. Idiot that I am.........I call him back and tell him that if he wants to talk to me right now, he can come over right now and we'll talk face to face. He said he just wanted to come over tomorrow and spend time with his son and have a good talk with his mother. Then he asks "Why are you so grumpy, did you have a bad day or something?" I replied "Yes......I had a medical procedure this morning." He said "Oh man I didn't even know." (I told him about it two days ago and he told me to not talk about it because he couldn't stand to hear about stuff like that.) THEN he goes right back into the nonsense and tells me that I'm being very unreasonable.

So I hang up again.

Soooooooo he text messages me. And says that he's too poor to drive over and can't afford the gas, he knows it's not my problem and that he loves me all the same (huh?). He told me to call him tomorrow if I change my mind.

I can't text message very well and I'm very slow at it. It's one of those things that just doesn't make any sense to me.....but I managed to get one to him anyway. It said "I don't believe that's why you won't come over. I won't be calling you tomorrow."

I think he didn't want to come over to talk face to face because he was drinking and he's terrified of getting another dui. (We live within about 10 miles of each other but he'd have to drive down the freeway to get here.)

There's a part of me that feels bad. He hasn't seen his son for probably three weeks. Tomorrow I was going to let him come over and spend time with him. But he has to go and crap all over me today and he blew it.

I have no desire to have him come and pollute my day with my grandson. I consider that time to be precious.

God grant me the strength to stop allowing myself to engage in his alcoholic quacking. It makes ME crazy when I do.

:codiepolice

Kindeyes

I sure hope God doesn't carry a skillet.

justjo

Youre doing great. You realize whats happening now and it will get easier. Dont feel guilty that he hasnt seen his son - thats for him to do !
Ive been through all this madness with my son too (the emotional rollercoaster) Dont allow him to do it. Keep saying 'no thanks'

peaceteach

Hi Kind Eyes,
I'm sorry you got put through the wringer again. It's so tough. I haven't yet reached the separation point yet with my son either, but if I look back at my communications with my alcoholic exhusband, I learned when to not take his calls (evening-drinking time). My kids also learned this routine. He bottomed out fairly quickly after our separation/divorce, and then I was able to tell when he was on a bender, how long it would last, and I stopped answering the phone during those times as well. You can also get rid of texting on your phone if you want (tell your son you can't afford it!) so you don't have to read his comments either. I know it's different because he's your son, not an ex, but the disease is the same and the recovery is also. You have to protect YOU so you don't go down with him. Can you stop the conversation as soon as you realize he's been drinking and turn off the phones? There is just no point in talking to someone who is drunk, in my opinion. It's all lies, they won't remember what they said, you'll get hurt by the words, etc. Can you give him a boundary that he is not allowed to call or come over if he's been drinking? I had to lay down very strict rules with my A. I think they were for me more than him, but I stuck to them, just to preserve my sanity. Wishing you a better day and a great visit with your grandson, Kind Eyes

RosieM

Kind Eyes, you are doing great. I know it's painful. My son is not an A, but he does have some of the characteristics and tries to loop me in on his BS all the time. Wow it's tough, because we love them so much and just want the best for them. But you know he is on his own path and needs to find the way himself. He seems to have enough sense to be scared of getting a DUI - is that a weird kind of progress? I wish my husband had had enough sense to be concerned about that!! Chin up, keep moving forward. R.

nowinsituation

Kindeyes -- I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to detach from a child. Maybe someone should invent a "breathalizer" phone, so that you would be able to tell when the phone rings if the caller has been drinking? Would save a lot of heartache wouldn't it? As much as it hurts you know you are doing what's best for you -- and ultimately for him and also your precious grandson. Enjoy your day with the little one!

Kindeyes

I really like the idea of a breathalizer phone. Or a breathalizer doorbell. Blow here before the phone will allow an outbound phone call or blow here before the doorbell will ring.

Thanks for the giggle (I think in pictures and the visual of that is very funny). I needed that this morning.

grateful2b

Sorry Kindeyes, brings back memories....I want to echo Peaceteach here....i had to end the torture with my AD by putting boundaries in place with her, written and verbal. that she could not be abusive or come near me or call me under the influence, and after excusing myself and getting off the phone with her and walking away from her as soon as I smelled alcohol on her breath enough times she started to take me seriously....I HAD to do that for myself, that was my line in the sand....It was hard at first but after a while it got easier....I think you did good.......
hugs, grateful

tstorm08

Hugs to you Kindeyes.

Recycled Karma

Kind Eyes, Please forgive me if I am talking out of my ass, I'm new to this forum and have no children of my own...let alone grandchildren, however in my sixth year of sobriety my mother is still the great enabler! I have three siblings that are currently full-fledged addicts in one form or another which she is well aware of, yet she continues to put the blinders on and live in the state of denial (I'm not sure of the zip code, but I know this place exists!). My youngest sister, 30yrs old, was using well into the second trimester and recently gave birth to a little girl. During the later stages of her pregnancy, she vowed she was clean for life because of this wondrous life inside of her. She had a c-section and had to spend 3 months @ my parents house (recipe for dysfunctional disaster) all the while stealing my father's narcotic pain meds (her drug of choice). They found out, yet her banishment lasted all of one week. The cycle continues to this day! I hope that my niece gets the fighting chance that you are providing your grandson.

Keep up the good work! It sounds like you are "spot on" in recognizing when he has been drinking, using, etc. This is vital in order to both guard against enabling him. I feel that there are many reasons that people become alcoholics, yet feel that alcoholism is a symptom of deeper personal issues. That's the genius of AA, a set of instructions to treat the deeper issues once an individual abstains from drinking, using, etc. Until your son decides to get sober for HIMSELF and makes a true investment to that affect, how can anyone else be expected to make that same investment! I think that the best thing you can do is to be emotionally supportive when he is taking positive steps and keep him at bay when necessary to protect you and your loved ones (your grandson).

I wish you all the best and hope that I said something that you can identify with! -Recycled Karma

Rella927

:rof sorry I'm still cracking up over the the phone and doorbell!

KindEyes You are doing great! Being aware of what we are doing it when we are doing it, it is to me I feel a gift. Be gentle with yourself as it is your child that you are dealing with and IMHO can be a tuff situation to for anyone to find themselves in and not have a relapse of "idiot" or two once in awhile. I feel that you sound great and you did what you needed to do for yourself "not call" when you realized you had jumped back on the rollercoaster!

Relax breathe...1...2....3... and pat yourself on the back! be gentle with you and hang in there!

P.S. I do not think God has a skillet...no worry's LOL !

Kindeyes

Recycled Karma
First congratulations on your six years of sobriety. That is wonderful!

Your words were very much appreciated. It hurts me to know that I am causing my son pain because that is not my nature. But I also realize that he HAS to feel the pain in order to heal.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

hugs

Kindeyes

Rella- Glad we have a similar sense of humor;-) If God did have a skillet, he would have whopped me upside the head with it yesterday!

Thanks to all of you for your kind words.

I had a rough night last night. I woke up worrying that my son was going to show up unannounced. Worrying is such a waste of time. I got up, got a glass of milk, and went back to sleep.

My grandson and I had a wonderful day today. My A son didn't show up or call. Me and the little guy played and read and colored and had popsicles and blew bubbles. It was a great day. It's amazing.....when my grandson smiles, he looks just like his Daddy did when he was that age. He's so beautiful and sweet and loving.

grateful2b

Kindeyes, it is so good to hear about your day with your little guy...and what a gift you are to him...makes me smile....