My Mother

Old 02-29-2008, 05:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
My Mother

Hello everyone,

I am new to this but I am looking for answers and guidance. I guess I should start off with my story. I am 30 years old and I have taken over the role of the parent with my mother. My parents are both big drinkers. I would not call my mother an alcoholic but I would say that my father is borderline. The reason I feel he drinks so much is because of my mother. Her addiction is cocaine. My mother has always been what I will call moody. Over that last couple of years she would call me to borrow money and give some excuse that she didn't want to ask my dad for money because he would be mad her that she did not pay the hydro bill or whatever. She would constantly call me to complain that my father was being mean to her and dragging me into her darkness. She thinks that my father is cheating on her. She was obsessed. She would make things. She is very convincing. I would than ask my father what happened and he would tell me the whole story including the fact that she punched him in the face. I know that my father is no angel but she wsa the problem not him. She has somehow managed to ruin relationships with all her friends and family and lost several jobs saying that they are out to get her. I thought for the longest time that she was schizophrenic. She would be happy for a short period and then be mean and evil. Last year she admitted to my brother that she had a problem with cocaine knowing that he would tell me. We all got together as a family to offer her help. It did not go well. She lashed out at me and said hurtful things. As time passed she became better. We went on a family trip to Vegas for my 30th birthday. The day we were going to leave she wakes me and my husband up at 3:30 in the morning saying that my father called security on her. She was crying hysterically and talking about killing herself because my father was going to leave her. i went to my father's room and got the full story She came back to the room and attacked my father. He had scratches all over his neck and arm. I haven't really talked to her since then. My dad called me two weeks ago to tell me that he has left my mother because he caught her doing coke in the car on her way to work. She had also pawned all her jewelry including her wedding ring. She has not tried to contact me. I have been getting updates from my dad on her progress. She was supposed to attend a CA meeting yesterday. I am worried that she is not strong enough to continue with drug treatment. I feel guilty that I have not been able to "help" her. I feel stupid for lending her money that she never paid back because it was going to drugs. I feel mad because every Christams, birthday, family dinner etc that she has ruined is because of the drugs. Something that she chose to do. She is not schitzophrenic she is a drug addict and has hid it from the family for years. I am unsure of what to do from here. Do I call her and offer support? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Jenn7788 is offline  
Old 02-29-2008, 06:19 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey Jenn,

I am so sorry about your situation, but I'm glad you found us here. Most of us have experienced one degree or another of the madness dished out by alcoholic/addicted parents, and so you are (for what it's worth) not alone, and in good company. Lots of smart and compassionate folks here.

Your mother is making choices for herself. Just as you wouldn't want her making your choices for you, you're also not allowed to make her choices for her, no matter how sick and sad hers are.

She needs to get help with her addiction and she isn't (yet). Perhaps your dad leaving is the event that will finally make her hit rock bottom and get some professional help with her addiction and her mental problems. I can only pray that's so.

But it cannot be your cross to bear. You did what you thought was right -- you loaned her money because you were convinced she needed it. You didn't yet know the full truth. Your family events were disrupted through no doing of yours -- you have a right to be angry. Let yourself off the hook -- YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. You were just lied to, and based your actions on lies.

You can't save her. And you can't save your father -- these are both consenting adults who are creating their own situations. It's a shame that they are trying to drag you into their drama, but you must look out for yourself here. If this is causing your life to fly off-kilter, causing you stress, guilt, physical discomfort, insomnia, any of that ---- you have done the right thing by detaching. Be as protective of yourself as you would be of a small child, or even of your mom in better days. You are the only one who can protect your peace of mind.

Many of us have been forced, against our wishes, to go "No Contact" with our mad loved ones, just to save our own sanity. As they say in the Friends and Family forum, you can "let go or you can be dragged."

Speaking of them, I wonder if you would also be interested in cross-posting your message on the Friends & Family of SUbstance Abusers forum. There is quite a huge and active community over there and so it might be a source of additional support and ideas for soothing your soul. Many a time they have helped me to find out where that line in the sand called "enough" was -- that point where I felt that I had done all I could, and could detach from all of the Things I Can't Solve. They can also help you toe that line between helping her further (perhaps by printing off some resources and leaving them for her) and letting her find her own way.

We are not superwomen. We can only do our best -- and you should be proud of yourself for trying so hard to bring peace to your parent's marriage.

Now it's time to take care of You.

We're all with you.
GiveLove is offline  
Old 02-29-2008, 06:40 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
peaceteach's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Jenn,
I just want to say welcome. You sound like such a smart lady, and a real peace-maker. But you also sound like you know that you are tired of having your mother's drug addiction affect all the special moments that you value in life. That is wonderful and you are so right to recognize that. Read up here, and I second GiveLove's advice on posting in the other forums as well. There is one for loved ones of alcoholics and one for addicts. Or just look over there at the stickies at the top to start. I hope you get a lot of knowledge here that you find supportive. It's so great to find a place where you gain strength from knowing you are doing the right thing by detaching. Good job!
peaceteach is offline  
Old 02-29-2008, 06:46 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Progress Not Perfection
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: "Further up and further in!"---C.S. Lewis
Posts: 563
Welcome Jenn7788!!!!!! Glad to see you...Glad you reached out and posted.

I agree with everything GiveLove said....you are not alone.

My mom and dad were both violent alcoholics. Mom got sober 11yrs ago and dad passed away in his addiction 2yrs ago. He never saw one healthy sober day.

I lost myself in the quicksand of my mom and dads problems. I was confused and I didn't know how to care for myself or my needs.

I seperated myself...moved away...and now I am creating a life of my own with some real peace and joy in it...for once. It took time...alanon and acoa meetings for some years...and a major slip (where I moved close to home and tried to "make it work" again...total disaster)...to get me where I am today...so please be patient with yourself. You are actually doing the hardest part right now...becoming aware and reaching out. We are here for you!

What to do? Just keep coming back here to SR...Hang out here or in friends and family...or both...like GiveLove suggested. Over time you will learn how to take care of yourself and you will be your #1 priority. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving or caring for your parents...we just learn to detach in love. We learn how to love them constructively...but we don't "hang ourselves out to dry" anymore. All in time.

Keep us posted!
Growing is offline  
Old 02-29-2008, 08:18 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 11
Hello, welcome to this wonderful place of people who truely understand! I too am new here and have found this website very helpful and my strenghth. On that note, my mother is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life. I can understand somewhat, different demon same results. My mother went thru friends and jobs like no one I have ever seen. It's sad to look back and think of how she has ruined so much. And it's hard cuz she is your mom and you don't want to give up on her but you don't have the strength to keep fighting either. I'm at the same crossroad as you. Do you help, or do you turn your back? I am a happily married 27 yr old with three young children. I thought the kids would be enough for her, but sadly they are not. Although they are her life she can't stop drinking. I would do what will make YOU happy. For me it is time for me to move on without her. I can not fight anymore. None of this is your fault. Addicts do have a very good way of getting what they need. It's hard to walk away from your mother. She's supposed to be there for her daughter...there are many emotions to go thru if you choose that path. I guess in a sense it is grieving. If anything else, please just don't feel guilty, it's not you, it's her. There is nothing you can do. I wish you all the best of luck with which ever you choose. You should stick around reguardless of you decision, this is a great place! Good luck!
MrsFox is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:13 PM.