jehnifer

I have been attending alanon and working the steps with a sponsor for about three months now as preparation for my son returning from rehab, and to deal better with RAH.

I have to tell on myself...RAH who is typcially very moody and upset with me about every other day for something has been untypically very nice to me this week. I realized it was because he was going to need my help with something, and also because he was to visit a counselor for the first time and was being on his best behavior before going in there. So this morning - now that these two things are in the past - after his silently observing me trying to deal with my teenage daughter's melt down because we were running late for school, he says something to me about how I was not handling my daughter (his stepdaughter) the right way, and I just snapped. I have never been so angry toward him in my life, and I have NEVER before said what I did. "Shut the f#$%k up". I've had enough of his constant bad moods, judgement of my kids, and criticsm for the way I handle them, while he chooses to not interface with these kids at all. He stays in the other room, won't eat with us etc.

I apologized to him a bit later for my harsh language and suggested we talk when we both were calm. I am nervous about having that discussion. He will have a lot to vent about as always, and alanon has taught me to listen but not accept verbal abuse (he has a habit of telling me that i am not doing things right with my kids - but I am in alonon to get better at it) and if it gets heated I will end the conversation. He can be very persuasive and bold with me, but I will not agree with what he says or wants me to do if I don't truly agree. And I am to say "Well, we are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one". He is NOT going to like hearing that.

Growing

Be kind to yourself...this is alot to deal with...alot of change. I understand you wanting to deal with your emotions constructively...but sometimes we all miss the mark...that is o.k....at least you are feeling...just forgive yourself and others...work your alanon program...don't expect perfection from yourself...and continue to think about what you want out of life and your relationships.

theotherone

Reading your post was like reading everyday in our life. My AH never eats with me and the kids, never takes part in parenting, never interacts and has totally isolated himself from the rest of us. Yet, he is always there to criticize anything we do and if we respond he just gets angrier and louder until no one wants any part of him. I've gotten to the point recently where I just looked him in the eye when he started quacking and told him he didn't have permission to talk to me unless he was going to say something nice. Our house has been pretty quiet ever since. Don't get me wrong, he still makes his comments and tries to have an outburst, but when we don't react or ignore him...he pretty much has no choice but to shut up or look pretty foolish arguing with himself. I think I finally got the part that nothing changes until you change.

Kindeyes

In the family group I went to while my A son was in treatment, they did some wonderful communication workshops with us. They told us to use the words "I feel" when we are talking about how something that happened makes us feel. Such as:

"I was feeling very stressed at the time that I was doing (fill in the blank). It made me feel more stressed out when (fill in the blank)."

This approach is less likely to cause the other person to become defensive. Instead of:

"You really upset me when you (fill in the blank)."

Those communication workshops helped me with conversations with my A son but also helped me with my communication with my husband (who is not an A), my daughter, my mother, my father, my co-workers, etc.

Be kind to yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now.

gentle hugs

denny57

An excellent book is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It was like throwing a spotlight on my marriage.

((()))

abcdefg

I really appreciate your post. I could really relate. I think it is brave to focus on your own behavior, your own responses, working your own steps.

I just finished my 12 steps in my program and my boyfriend, sober 20 years, still have difficult conflicts similar to the one you describe. I really hate it when I lose my cool. I did so yesterday, but regained composure pretty quickly.

We have been together for 3 years. Right now, I am dealing with some particularly insane behavior on his part. It is so hard to keep the focus on me. He has what I consider dry drunk episodes. When these flare up, he reacts to a problem or invents one, fights with me and then leaves. He will be gone for days or weeks. He does not drink or use at this time -- thankfully. Yet his behavior is not sober.

If not for Al-anon, I would have either blamed myself or drowned in resentment. I know that he is a good man with a terrible illness. He is not trying to harm me. In his sobriety, he is a wonderful supportive partner who would be truly appalled at his behavior. My first sponsor explained to me that even the non-drinking A can have a black out. It just depends on how the disease affects the individual. I believe this is the case with my boyfriend.

However, I do not accept unacceptable behavior. I am compassionate and I detach with love as often as possible. But I do not accept unacceptable behavior. I take care of me first. This is so hard, because I have my own issues that make me want to fix, control, explain, etc. But I have a program and a higher power to guide me.

I am most trusting of people who do not give advice, but rather share their own experience, strength and hope regarding how to deal with a situation like mine.

Perhaps you have already had your discussion. I hope it went well -- at least, perhaps you feel you handled yourself well and as a result have boosted your self-esteem.

jehnifer

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I am having difficulty accepting that though he is not drinking and hasn't since Ive known him for 6 years now, that he can still behave so horribly. We did have a discussion about the episode. But we are still having great difficulty being warm to each other. RAH does not like how I am handling myself these days. He said I can't just cross my arms and say that that's the way I feel and leave it at that (in other words he is not succeeding at making me conform or do what he wishes) and I also say we will just have to agree to disagree about things (soemthing my sponsor advised me to say). He says Oh no we won't! He said what "I" needed was to be living alone. His comments were all about me and what I am not doing right. I reminded him that HE is the one upset about things at home and so unhappy. I am really worn down. I must make myself think about me and what I am doing for my recovery. I am going to a meeting tonight.

SHERRYL

jehnifer,
You were angry and you acted angry, I think that is a normal reaction to being constantly criticized, ignored, and just generally walking on eggshells. You sound like you are getting sick and tired of it, and this my dear, is a really good thing. MM... He might have had one really good point, the you living alone thing would have been too tempting to resist if I were you, it sounds like the only sane thing he has said to you in a very long time. I think you are mad at yourself for reacting, as this does feed them, but at least you got it out of you. You really need to look honestly at how this relationship is benefiting you, just make an honest list, completely honest. You are not serving a life sentence here, you are choosing to be with an emotionally unavailable, man who sounds like he disregards you and the kids accept to criticize, berate and ignore you all. I would feel really terrible if you had to stay with him, I am soooo happy you have a choice, please always remember that. Sometimes, even if we make a concious choice to stay in the worst relationships, knowing that we are choosing it let's us know that at any moment we can make a different choice. There are no victims, only volunteers, I volunteered for way more than 6 years, and I have been free for 3 years, and girl it does not get much better than this. We teach people how to treat us and noone can do anything to us without our permission.You are so on the right track and I have high hope for your future freedom. Take care of you, and don't pay him off with reactions where you can help it. Oh, and he cannot agree to disagree, he can only be right. It is amazing, but most right fighters end up being avoided in their own home, or more frequently,end up being deservedly all alone. The truth will set you free, and the things you did say were true and you are not wrong for doing so.