Stepping through the chaos...
On a tear
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Stepping through the chaos...
So, some of you know I am an adult child of alcoholics. You know that I have been an active member of Alanon, and that I credit that program with my sanity, my serenity and my life.
But if you don't go to meetings - you may not understand HOW all this comes about.
Here is an "for instance" -
I have long been my mom's rescuer, and was life-long made to be responsible for my little sister (three years younger). There were 3 kids - me, my brother and my sis. I was oldest, sis was youngest. Brother died in 2000.
Mom was active in her drinking from when I was about 10 or 11 until well after I left home - until I was about 24. She came very close to death, and got quite physically frail toward the end of her drinking.
I had an "event" the other day - my mom (now over 27 years sober) and my sis (now almost 4 years sober) both live together in a trailer in a mobile home park. Sis was dating the owner of the park for almost 3 years.
The owner is a big guy, mean and manipulative. He is a dry alcoholic and an adult child of alcoholism himself. He is alanonic/codependent as well.
When my sis finally figured out she couldn't change him (grin), she broke up with him. He retaliated by suddenly enforcing rules about the number of persons living in moms trailer (sis and her daughter's family while they try to find accommodations they can afford). He (Denis) called a meeting between himself and mom. Mom asked ME to attend to help her keep HER temper in control.
Oh - what a bad idea. I lost MY temper, Denis lost HIS temper - he was throwing chairs and phones before the meeting was over. We were both calling names and mom just sat there as if all was normal.
Afterward, I felt bad - but not bad enough to want to make any amends toward Denis. I knew I could not without getting all riled up again, and I knew it would hurt HIM more and me, as well.
So I called my Alanon sponsor. I told her that the only voice in my head that was saying "make amends" ... was hers. But that I was adamant about NOT making them. So, what to do?
She wrote me and asked me to do an inventory around this issue.
So I did - Anger, Fear and Resentment.
What I discovered was some things that I knew -
I have always been the rescuer for mom and sister - this was a prime instance of being able to do both at once.
I have been abused physically - always by men larger and stronger than me - Denis was both, in addition to having a financial hold on both mom and sis (and my son - who rents in the same court).
So - I have a good idea why I reacted - rescuer and little girl fighting back.
But then my sponsor asked me to consider all the things over which I was powerless (step 1) -
Denis
Mom
Sister
Me
Pretty simple.
Then she asked if I believed in a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity (step 2). Erk. Much harder.
I BELIEVE, but I obviously didn't AT THE TIME, or else I would have let my HP work the situation as He saw fit. So she asked me -
Oh that sponsor - she is so on target! I was able to articulate a couple of things -
That I feel POWERFUL when my fear is gone, and anger brings me that power. I feel this way when I write a great poison pen letter, or allow my self to LOSE MY EMPATHY.
I was NOT afraid of Denis. I had divorced myself from his feelings - he became NOT a child of God, but just an object.
Pretty nasty stuff.
Her response -
***
So this is how it works for me. I have a conversation with a person who -
a. has been in program a very long time
b. shares many similarities with me
We are both large women with similar fears and issues. Though it was her spouse who brought her into program, she is also dealing with grown sons who are choosing to drink alcoholicly.
She mentions control issues - funny that I didn't even see that one! Sometimes, my "blind spot" can be SO huge!
What I also know is that I don't have to take this event into a meeting to share the details there. Before I got a sponsor, I did so - and that was fine. It was a safe place to let go of some of my pain. But with a sponsor, I can work things out on a more detailed basis and take the LESSON into a meeting, instead of the EVENT.
I don't know if writing this out is more for me, or for someone here... but I felt like it was a good place to leave this.
Please know that my time here on SR is also part of my program. I get the opportunity to reinforce some of what I've been trying to learn, and to hear MY story over and over from the newcomers... a reminder of where I was, and where I might return if I stop taking care of me.
(((hugs)))
But if you don't go to meetings - you may not understand HOW all this comes about.
Here is an "for instance" -
I have long been my mom's rescuer, and was life-long made to be responsible for my little sister (three years younger). There were 3 kids - me, my brother and my sis. I was oldest, sis was youngest. Brother died in 2000.
Mom was active in her drinking from when I was about 10 or 11 until well after I left home - until I was about 24. She came very close to death, and got quite physically frail toward the end of her drinking.
I had an "event" the other day - my mom (now over 27 years sober) and my sis (now almost 4 years sober) both live together in a trailer in a mobile home park. Sis was dating the owner of the park for almost 3 years.
The owner is a big guy, mean and manipulative. He is a dry alcoholic and an adult child of alcoholism himself. He is alanonic/codependent as well.
When my sis finally figured out she couldn't change him (grin), she broke up with him. He retaliated by suddenly enforcing rules about the number of persons living in moms trailer (sis and her daughter's family while they try to find accommodations they can afford). He (Denis) called a meeting between himself and mom. Mom asked ME to attend to help her keep HER temper in control.
Oh - what a bad idea. I lost MY temper, Denis lost HIS temper - he was throwing chairs and phones before the meeting was over. We were both calling names and mom just sat there as if all was normal.
Afterward, I felt bad - but not bad enough to want to make any amends toward Denis. I knew I could not without getting all riled up again, and I knew it would hurt HIM more and me, as well.
So I called my Alanon sponsor. I told her that the only voice in my head that was saying "make amends" ... was hers. But that I was adamant about NOT making them. So, what to do?
She wrote me and asked me to do an inventory around this issue.
So I did - Anger, Fear and Resentment.
What I discovered was some things that I knew -
I have always been the rescuer for mom and sister - this was a prime instance of being able to do both at once.
I have been abused physically - always by men larger and stronger than me - Denis was both, in addition to having a financial hold on both mom and sis (and my son - who rents in the same court).
So - I have a good idea why I reacted - rescuer and little girl fighting back.
But then my sponsor asked me to consider all the things over which I was powerless (step 1) -
Denis
Mom
Sister
Me
Pretty simple.
Then she asked if I believed in a Higher Power that could restore me to sanity (step 2). Erk. Much harder.
I BELIEVE, but I obviously didn't AT THE TIME, or else I would have let my HP work the situation as He saw fit. So she asked me -
Since you know, and I believe knew, intellectually that the situation you jumped in the middle of was not your business, what was your motive in getting involved? What was in it for you? And, since you’ve done this type of thing before, there must be some pay off that you like. What is it?
Oh that sponsor - she is so on target! I was able to articulate a couple of things -
That I feel POWERFUL when my fear is gone, and anger brings me that power. I feel this way when I write a great poison pen letter, or allow my self to LOSE MY EMPATHY.
I was NOT afraid of Denis. I had divorced myself from his feelings - he became NOT a child of God, but just an object.
Pretty nasty stuff.
Her response -
The anecdote that I’ve learned when my behavior is as we’ve been discussing is to put the whole focus from me onto me. I kick up my meetings, check in with my sponsor more, read more literature, do that list of things to do I’ve been avoiding, and then if I still have time to worry about other’s lives, I do volunteer work. When I am doing the footwork of my own life, my fear goes down, I don’t need to control the world any more, I can see what is not my business, I’m not butting in, my self esteem goes up, my fear goes down more, and on and on.
So this is how it works for me. I have a conversation with a person who -
a. has been in program a very long time
b. shares many similarities with me
We are both large women with similar fears and issues. Though it was her spouse who brought her into program, she is also dealing with grown sons who are choosing to drink alcoholicly.
She mentions control issues - funny that I didn't even see that one! Sometimes, my "blind spot" can be SO huge!
What I also know is that I don't have to take this event into a meeting to share the details there. Before I got a sponsor, I did so - and that was fine. It was a safe place to let go of some of my pain. But with a sponsor, I can work things out on a more detailed basis and take the LESSON into a meeting, instead of the EVENT.
I don't know if writing this out is more for me, or for someone here... but I felt like it was a good place to leave this.
Please know that my time here on SR is also part of my program. I get the opportunity to reinforce some of what I've been trying to learn, and to hear MY story over and over from the newcomers... a reminder of where I was, and where I might return if I stop taking care of me.
(((hugs)))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
(((( Sis ))))
Thank you for that message of experience, strength and hope. You are a living and breathing example of so many things we learn about in recovery:
Recovery in ACTION
Progress not perfection
Principles above personalities
Step work works
Get your Butt to a meeting
and an all time favorite:
CALL YOUR SPONSOR !
I'm not sure which inspires me more: your actions, your clarity in expressing yourself, or your honesty and willingness to share your stuff with others.
Thanks for walking this recovery road with me. I have learned a lot from you today.
Hugs
Cats
Thank you for that message of experience, strength and hope. You are a living and breathing example of so many things we learn about in recovery:
Recovery in ACTION
Progress not perfection
Principles above personalities
Step work works
Get your Butt to a meeting
and an all time favorite:
CALL YOUR SPONSOR !
I'm not sure which inspires me more: your actions, your clarity in expressing yourself, or your honesty and willingness to share your stuff with others.
Thanks for walking this recovery road with me. I have learned a lot from you today.
Hugs
Cats
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I do understand what you're saying although I do not attend meetings (too lazy)
I am attempting the 12 steps by myself, I know I know I should have a sponsor, but I'm really too lazy to drive to the meetings. Anyway it is amazing how we can pick apart an event or situation and figure out way we do the things we do and learn how not to put ourselves in the predicament.
You really are an inspiration!!!!!!
I am attempting the 12 steps by myself, I know I know I should have a sponsor, but I'm really too lazy to drive to the meetings. Anyway it is amazing how we can pick apart an event or situation and figure out way we do the things we do and learn how not to put ourselves in the predicament.
You really are an inspiration!!!!!!
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
Wow great post....sharing the problem AND the solution.
Your recovery is inspirational.
I also owe an amends (or 1200) to a sick person....youve given me good food for thought.
THANKS!
Your recovery is inspirational.
I also owe an amends (or 1200) to a sick person....youve given me good food for thought.
THANKS!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Wow Big Sis,
I sure see alot of me in that post you wrote.
Like you, someone always ASKS me to intercede...probably because I've been the "Yep, I can fix it" girl my whole life.
Now, through the years of working my program I am learning NOT to react.
It has been very difficult for me NOT to jump in as I use to do, (I'm a hard nut to crack,) but I'm learning.
Your post is helping me along my journey.
Thank Sis for sharing....
I sure see alot of me in that post you wrote.
Like you, someone always ASKS me to intercede...probably because I've been the "Yep, I can fix it" girl my whole life.
Now, through the years of working my program I am learning NOT to react.
It has been very difficult for me NOT to jump in as I use to do, (I'm a hard nut to crack,) but I'm learning.
Your post is helping me along my journey.
Thank Sis for sharing....
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
I'm not sure which inspires me more: your actions, your clarity in expressing yourself, or your honesty and willingness to share your stuff with others.
I could not rate them Big Sis...I admire these qualities all so much...You are such a beautiful soul. I've taken so much from what you shared in this post, but you always speak to me. Thank you for all you have done to help me on this journey. And I love your sponsor; she is an incredibly wise woman. Hugs
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