Knowing when it's over... when to move along.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 123
Knowing when it's over... when to move along.
Hi Folks,
Hope everyone is finding blessings and victory it today.
I just wanted to share some thoughts on things and see if anyone can relate.
AW and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 9. We've been up and down and 3 weeks ago had a big argument when she came home drunk. After about a week of wanting to work it out I realized that I had come to the end of my rope - I'd had enough. I've since filed for divorce.
Many times before, when things seemed at their worst, I asked myself "How do you know when to quit trying?” I'm a Christian and believe strongly that God intends for marriage to be permanent - many times my faith had me hold on when the human in me would have run.
I got my answer a couple weeks ago - you know when to quit trying when you realize it's time to take care of yourself and quit enabling, allowing, apologizing for someone else. When it hit me it was like barrier breaking - puzzle pieces from the last 10 years started to fall into place. I realized many times when I was manipulated, abused, lied to, accused, etc. and I won't go through that any longer. For the longest time I believed that I was the problem, too controlling (nothing wrong with a couple drinks with friends), too paranoid (don't you trust me?), too this and too that.
As the pieces of the puzzle came together I saw clearly that it was time for me to move on in my life, WITH my life. My feelings towards my wife changed almost instantly. I no longer have a desire to be with her, I know I can't fix her, I know I'm not the problem, I like me - and I'm happy to finally say that.
When the anger started to go away is when it was finalized for me emotionally. I'm not angry at her anymore, I'm not hurt by her anymore - I just want to take these pieces I've got and put them together.
I haven't started AlAnon yet - truthfully I'm kid of intimidated by it. I don't want to deal with anything attached to her alcoholism anymore but I'm sure that if I don't close this out properly I won't be able to move on in a healthy way. I don't want to dig up things that are buried - but again I guess that stuff needs to be moved out to make room for the real ME.
So, I know that it is over with AW and I - I'm very happy about that - it's a relief to know for sure rather than wonder if things will get fixed.
Now - what to do with this 'Me' person....... :-)
Hope everyone is finding blessings and victory it today.
I just wanted to share some thoughts on things and see if anyone can relate.
AW and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 9. We've been up and down and 3 weeks ago had a big argument when she came home drunk. After about a week of wanting to work it out I realized that I had come to the end of my rope - I'd had enough. I've since filed for divorce.
Many times before, when things seemed at their worst, I asked myself "How do you know when to quit trying?” I'm a Christian and believe strongly that God intends for marriage to be permanent - many times my faith had me hold on when the human in me would have run.
I got my answer a couple weeks ago - you know when to quit trying when you realize it's time to take care of yourself and quit enabling, allowing, apologizing for someone else. When it hit me it was like barrier breaking - puzzle pieces from the last 10 years started to fall into place. I realized many times when I was manipulated, abused, lied to, accused, etc. and I won't go through that any longer. For the longest time I believed that I was the problem, too controlling (nothing wrong with a couple drinks with friends), too paranoid (don't you trust me?), too this and too that.
As the pieces of the puzzle came together I saw clearly that it was time for me to move on in my life, WITH my life. My feelings towards my wife changed almost instantly. I no longer have a desire to be with her, I know I can't fix her, I know I'm not the problem, I like me - and I'm happy to finally say that.
When the anger started to go away is when it was finalized for me emotionally. I'm not angry at her anymore, I'm not hurt by her anymore - I just want to take these pieces I've got and put them together.
I haven't started AlAnon yet - truthfully I'm kid of intimidated by it. I don't want to deal with anything attached to her alcoholism anymore but I'm sure that if I don't close this out properly I won't be able to move on in a healthy way. I don't want to dig up things that are buried - but again I guess that stuff needs to be moved out to make room for the real ME.
So, I know that it is over with AW and I - I'm very happy about that - it's a relief to know for sure rather than wonder if things will get fixed.
Now - what to do with this 'Me' person....... :-)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by TDinATL 
I haven't started AlAnon yet - truthfully I'm kid of intimidated by it. I don't want to deal with anything attached to her alcoholism anymore
It isn't the only way, but it worked for me. Good luck with everything!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by TDinATL
I don't want to dig up things that are buried - but again I guess that stuff needs to be moved out to make room for the real ME.
I'm happy you're finally finding some peace.
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Idaho
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by TDinATL
I no longer have a desire to be with her, I know I can't fix her, I know I'm not the problem, I like me - and I'm happy to finally say that.
When the anger started to go away is when it was finalized for me emotionally. I'm not angry at her anymore, I'm not hurt by her anymore - I just want to take these pieces I've got and put them together.
When the anger started to go away is when it was finalized for me emotionally. I'm not angry at her anymore, I'm not hurt by her anymore - I just want to take these pieces I've got and put them together.
My AH and I haven't been together long (2 years), but I've woken up and realize that I'm not the person I was when we met. I liked who I was then and I miss that person. She was happy, confident and loved life. I want her back and it's time to work on me.
Good luck in finding you again. I wish you the best.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
Well said TD. Its like you read my mind. Although i'm not married, I no longer desire my xabf, no longer miss him, no longer pine away remembering all the good times. I no longer have the desire to help him, hurt him, manipulate him, hang out with him and I've got no intention of allowing him to do that to me either.
Plain and simple.....even the most codependent, dysfunctional people have their limits and mine have been exceeded.
That's where i'm at. I harbor absolutely NO bad feelings for him and I can say for the first time without choking back tears that I truly wish happiness for him and that he finds the road to recovery soon.
I just know that I wasn't put on this earth to spend my time dealing with the same old stuff. I was meant for much better things and for the first time in a looooong time, I like me, just as you like yourself.
Love to you all and thank you TD for sharing so eloquently.
Plain and simple.....even the most codependent, dysfunctional people have their limits and mine have been exceeded.
That's where i'm at. I harbor absolutely NO bad feelings for him and I can say for the first time without choking back tears that I truly wish happiness for him and that he finds the road to recovery soon.
I just know that I wasn't put on this earth to spend my time dealing with the same old stuff. I was meant for much better things and for the first time in a looooong time, I like me, just as you like yourself.
Love to you all and thank you TD for sharing so eloquently.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi TD so happy that you are choosing life. I had no idea what i liked doing, had no hobbies, nothing i had forgotten who i was. In time i started doing things I wanted. I booked a trip to Venice, enrolled on a few courses in work, but the most important thing that i do is work on me, i read about codependancy and am learning to be a healthier person.
I no longer beleive that it was the alcoholics fault that i found myself in unhealthy situations, it was my choice to stay and now i need to figure out why I put myself through so much pain, and like any recovering alcoholic who has to work a programme for the rest of their lives I think that i will have to monitor my codependancy behaviours for the rest of my life too.
Big hugs
Mairxx
I no longer beleive that it was the alcoholics fault that i found myself in unhealthy situations, it was my choice to stay and now i need to figure out why I put myself through so much pain, and like any recovering alcoholic who has to work a programme for the rest of their lives I think that i will have to monitor my codependancy behaviours for the rest of my life too.
Big hugs
Mairxx
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I know what you mean about the barrier braker.
I believe we just get plain old tired of it all. We lose hope in the other person, and they become quite unatractive to us. Their manipulation and crazy behavior is now seen for what it really is.
I believe we just get plain old tired of it all. We lose hope in the other person, and they become quite unatractive to us. Their manipulation and crazy behavior is now seen for what it really is.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Back South where I belong!
Posts: 210
It's great when you feel the resentment melting away. I'm finding I'm still a little up and down. It feels better if I can completely put him out of my thoughts but I wonder if that's healthy. Probably need to deal with the feelings that pop up - that's where al anon and therapy and this board can give me tools which are useful. I haven't had any feelings of attraction to him for a long time but unfortunately I still have a soft spot (in my head!) for the person he used to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: MO
Posts: 56
I recently came to the same conclusion myself TD...and it is most definately liberating! I am so proud of you...proud for you...and I wish you all the happiness in the world!
Take care of you and huge HUGS!
g
Take care of you and huge HUGS!
g
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