am i handling this right?

Old 06-22-2003, 07:43 PM
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am i handling this right?

I just found out that my ah took one of his credit cards and has been using it to drink this week (we are broke).

He agreed earlier to not using the cards so that we could pay them down in preparation for buying a house. He had voluntarily given me all the cards to hold and in order to get this one he had to search through my purse and open a sealed envelope then make everything look untouched.

My reaction to this was to do nothing. I read from so CAL for awhile and thought it through. The card is not in my name and I can buy a house without putting him on the mortgage if he ruins his credit. I will let him deal with this.

He is out of work until he gets a medical procedure done in July and I have been paying the bills. I had been letting him have an equal amount of spending money as I allowed myself (which he would spend drinking) I think the best thing is to cut him off of this since he thinks it is ok to run up more bills that we can't afford. I'll only pay what I normally would have.

He's been being really sweet and considerate lately must be a guilty conciense. I'm not going to say a word and just enjoy it.

Am I on target with not making this my problem?
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Old 06-23-2003, 05:39 AM
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Am I on target with not making this my problem?
Bull's eye!!

Hugs,
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Old 06-23-2003, 05:58 AM
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Hello Paradox.

Absolutely. His drinking is not your problem unless you take it on. But the credit thing? I get confused at abbreviations sometimes. Does the h in "ah" stand for husband? I know states are different, but around here a husband and wife are a single legal unit where credit and debt are concerned, whether the account says Jim or Mary. And you sure can't buy a house even without putting him on the mortgage, credit or no, if he keeps you broke.

It seems a sealed envelope in your purse is not enough. If you're in for the long haul with this guy, it seems more secure measures are indicated. What if he runs up his card and decides (since that was okay) to use yours?

And no, I don't see why you should continue to give him "pocket money" if what he does with it is drink.

You sound like you've really kept your head through all of this. Congrats!

Smoke
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Old 06-23-2003, 06:24 AM
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just a share

I just wanted to share an experience with you on this topic of money. When I could no longer stand the amount of money (I was the primary breadwinner) my AH was spending on drinking I finally cut it down. And in my state our credit is not combined and I bought my house on my own just last summer, even though we were married.

It seemed when it came to money for drinking he was needing more and more. He'd say it was for lunches and cigartettes but I gave him plenty for that. He nearly filled his only credit card ($500 limit) each month with gasoline for his truck and beer from the distributor, and I paid it in full each month. I was also giving him cash each week he used in the bars.

Then I wanted to take my daughter to Disney, so I wanted us to save a little. He was angry we would 'waste' money on a trip like that. Too bad, I said, it has been all about you for too long.

And when I stopped paying his card in full, just paying partially, and I cut down the weekly cash, he became very upset. Complained all the time it wasn't enough. Became angry, saying mean things about me being all about money and such. Found ways to make me feel bad about me, to make me believe I was wrong. When I kept refusing to give more he became unhappy in the relationship and wanted out. After he left I found out he was borrowing to drink and NEEDED more money, which probably led to his 'leaving', just so he could keep his whole paycheck and not give it to m anymore.

I am just sharing, I have no idea if any of this would apply to your situation. I thought you might like to know if others have money challenges with their AHs.
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Old 06-23-2003, 01:38 PM
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Thanks everybody,

Smoke, I spent some time researching whether or not I'm responsible for his financial mess and I'm ok on the cards he has in his name only. The joint accounts and my individual ones I might have to lock up in my desk at work or something.

I feel like just giving him all the cards that are just in his name back along with the responsiblity for them. I haven't discussed any of this with him yet. I think I'll wait until payday or until he sobers up whichever comes first.

Thanks for the feedback.
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Old 06-23-2003, 01:52 PM
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If you aren't responsible for his debts I'd give him back his cards and let him sink.It's totally not your problem.

Ngaire
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Old 06-23-2003, 02:38 PM
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Hi paradox,

I totally agree with myles1, let him sink!! He needs to be held accountable for his own actions. You have been keeping him afloat for too long. He blames you for not having money to try to make you feel guilty and you were strong. Good job!! It is funny how when it is all about them and they need the money for something we are not suppose to spend extra. But they can spend, spend, spend to their hearts content.Everyone has given you great advice. Hide those cards good. Plastic is a definate NO NO for him. Taking them to your office sounds good.

Take care,
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