Ragazza Miele

I've been lurking that past couple weeks, and jumped in with some comments today. It's been a year since I told the AH (who is now an XAH) that I wanted out of our relationship. But I only told him that after I had become so sick with codependence, then detachment, then complete detachment, and slipping into an affair. Bad mistake. It's taken me a year to realize all the wrong things I did. But the one thing I did not do wrong, was get the alcoholic out of my life. I must be at some kind of awakening finally, a huge healing moment of my life. All of a sudden everything is becoming clearer to me. I'm still beating myself up, but getting better. I wish I would have been strong enough to realize what was happening to my psyche due to the years of his alcoholic abuse. Not physical, but definitely mental abuse. I became someone I didn't recognize anymore. I was smothering, drowning, dying inside, and I was allowing it. But I didn't realize all the wrong I was in it, even before the affair happened. That was an after effect I think of all that had gone on for so many years. The XAH immediately went into recovery upon finding out about the affair, but it was too late, I thought I was in love and I was way past working it out with the husband. Both are out of my life now, but not without leaving a very messy aftermath. I picked up the phone last Friday and called the XAH and for the first time in a long time, he actually answered my call. I apologized for what I had done to him, the affair part of it. No matter what he did for all those years, he did not deserve me to cheat on him. I know that know, but you couldn't have told me that last year. I wish him no ill-will and hope he has a happy life. He has yet to apologize to me for anything he did for all those years, but on the phone he did at least say that he realized his drinking did bring on alot of the bad we suffered for so long. That's probably the closest I'll ever get to an apology, but I thought he'd never even get to that. Sorry I'm rambling, but I am at such an awakening lately and I just have to vent all that I can to unload this from myself finally. A year later, a divorce, this site, many many books, al-anon, my therapist and probably many unmentioned, have helped me get to this enlightenment. I hope to keep growing in a positive way, I'm trying like heck. I needed as much fixing as the husband by the time we got to this point. Thank you for your time and anyone that attempted to read my confession. Thank you.

Ragazza Miele

part two - it's like i'm just now realizing how the alcohol effected me. I've spent the last year denying it, as though all of this just happened, just now, but it's on the back side of it and I'm just seeing the healing I need. This is so weird.................

Mair

Hi Regazza and welcome, your story is one of survival and growth it will give a lot of hope to many including me on this site, thank you for sharing this your an inspiration.

Mair
xx

Spiritual Seeker

We can only clean up our own side of the street. Then our recovery works.
You are doing that well !!!

nowinsituation

Ragazza - I needed to hear your story today, thank you. I started to post my own confession yesterday, but did not follow through. It is so easy to follow the siren song of flattery, attention and romance when you are not receiving any at home. I participated in an affair, emotional at first but physical after my separation. I can come up with so many rationalizations, but those will just keep my in denial and I need to accept responsibility for it. It is hard to admit it, and I think your story is a sign to me that I won't heal until I confess. I am thankful I found the strength to end it. That is not who I am or who I want to be; but somehow that is who I had become. I let myself believe that it was not wrong -- but it was. Something I really need to address in my fourth step inventory. Awareness is the first step to positive change.

Kindeyes

Ragazza
That took a lot of courage to post. You ARE healing. I hope that you find it in your heart to forgive yourself and move forward. There are things I have done in my past that I have long ago forgiven myself for and I feel at peace with myself and my hp. But I still am a work in progress.

I hope that you stick around here so that you can continue to share your insights and victories with all of us. This forum is full of people who could benefit from your example (me included).

Thank you for having the courage to start this thread and share your story. I am inspired by your honesty.

gentle hugs

LaTeeDa

Thank you Kindeyes. I wanted to say exactly what you said but couldn't figure out the right words. I'm glad I remained silent and let you say it.

L