Is "No Contact" a form of "tough love"?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
Is "No Contact" a form of "tough love"?
my A and i broke up end of october after two years together.
he smokes pot alot, has liver disease, was pressing to get married or live together. i genuinely believe he loves me, but also wanted his way when he wanted it.(felt like the squeeze play..and then payback for not doing it his way).
i was not enabling, or carrying his responsibilites in any way .
i always kept my life going and afloat , maintained boundaries and my own interests.
i refused to revolve around him and carry his load.
well, finally in october, i guess the bow broke and he moved on saying he wants more and ill never give it to him and he is going to find someone else who will.
His way or the highway mentality.
i told him..fine..go ahead..and do whatever.
of course, i was and still am very hurt by his abandoning me.
he still sends an occasional email saying he never wanted to hurt me but
we wanted different things..(more like , i would not do what the dictator A wanted me to do . when he wanted me to do it.).
i have not contacted him since early dec...he was last to email.
some part of me feels that by doing no contact ..i am doing tough love and saying...this is not acceptable and i will not grovel, cry, or beg for your attention .
(as i think he was hoping i would).
i have stood my ground..it is hard to just keep hands off and leave it alone and let him find his way and not interfere..
i think, letting go and letting god here, is tough love.
i am not softening the choice he made.
i know he loved me ALOT..and wanted more...but now his silence feels deliberate to push buttons and get me to react..
which i am not. i have stood my ground and done NOTHING .
is this tough love , even though we are apart?
i hope it is making some statement that i will not be manipulated by his upping the ante on me.
thanks..
please be gentle with your replies.
i am hurting .
he smokes pot alot, has liver disease, was pressing to get married or live together. i genuinely believe he loves me, but also wanted his way when he wanted it.(felt like the squeeze play..and then payback for not doing it his way).
i was not enabling, or carrying his responsibilites in any way .
i always kept my life going and afloat , maintained boundaries and my own interests.
i refused to revolve around him and carry his load.
well, finally in october, i guess the bow broke and he moved on saying he wants more and ill never give it to him and he is going to find someone else who will.
His way or the highway mentality.
i told him..fine..go ahead..and do whatever.
of course, i was and still am very hurt by his abandoning me.
he still sends an occasional email saying he never wanted to hurt me but
we wanted different things..(more like , i would not do what the dictator A wanted me to do . when he wanted me to do it.).
i have not contacted him since early dec...he was last to email.
some part of me feels that by doing no contact ..i am doing tough love and saying...this is not acceptable and i will not grovel, cry, or beg for your attention .
(as i think he was hoping i would).
i have stood my ground..it is hard to just keep hands off and leave it alone and let him find his way and not interfere..
i think, letting go and letting god here, is tough love.
i am not softening the choice he made.
i know he loved me ALOT..and wanted more...but now his silence feels deliberate to push buttons and get me to react..
which i am not. i have stood my ground and done NOTHING .
is this tough love , even though we are apart?
i hope it is making some statement that i will not be manipulated by his upping the ante on me.
thanks..
please be gentle with your replies.
i am hurting .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
hi anvilhead.
i sure wish "moving on" after investing years of heart and soul were as easy to do as is said..
sadly..most humans..at least Me..i am not built that way.
as per my original question..
can no contact be viewed as tough love or not?
and if not ..what is tough love?! lol
i sure wish "moving on" after investing years of heart and soul were as easy to do as is said..
sadly..most humans..at least Me..i am not built that way.
as per my original question..
can no contact be viewed as tough love or not?
and if not ..what is tough love?! lol
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
It depends on your intention with the "no contact"...I would think.
But I don't think by not contacting you are trying to gain some kind of end result.
You are standing by what you believe in, in regards to what you want and don't want and deserve in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. As a codie I have struggles with this and had struggled for a long time to instill the boundaries and self worth back into my life after I divorced my AH. It's indicative of addict behavior to try to manipulate, guilt, etc... You're not giving in and he has resolved to move on. Let him move on.....and you should continue to move on with your life and do for you to make your life better for yourself. Believe me...it is so easy to be drawn into the life of an addict and "fall under their spell" because guilt and empathy are such powerful emotions. It's uncomfortable to feel them so we try to relieve them by doing what the addict wants but then we end up neglecting ourselves.
With love we make ourselves vulnerable to pain. I'm sorry for your hurt...I know how that feels but believe me that it will pass.
But I don't think by not contacting you are trying to gain some kind of end result.
You are standing by what you believe in, in regards to what you want and don't want and deserve in your life. There is nothing wrong with that. As a codie I have struggles with this and had struggled for a long time to instill the boundaries and self worth back into my life after I divorced my AH. It's indicative of addict behavior to try to manipulate, guilt, etc... You're not giving in and he has resolved to move on. Let him move on.....and you should continue to move on with your life and do for you to make your life better for yourself. Believe me...it is so easy to be drawn into the life of an addict and "fall under their spell" because guilt and empathy are such powerful emotions. It's uncomfortable to feel them so we try to relieve them by doing what the addict wants but then we end up neglecting ourselves.
With love we make ourselves vulnerable to pain. I'm sorry for your hurt...I know how that feels but believe me that it will pass.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Sure it can be tough love if you want it to be. Or it could be just a regular breakup between two people who realized that they had different goals in life.
Let go. Do what you need to do to move on. If he comes back, and he's all better, then it was meant to be. If he doesn't, then it wasn't. But you can't expect him to change because you decided that you didn't want to deal with his c$#%p anymore. That's not tough love. That's trying to manipulate/influence him by your choices (which I don't think you were doing, right?)
Let go. Do what you need to do to move on. If he comes back, and he's all better, then it was meant to be. If he doesn't, then it wasn't. But you can't expect him to change because you decided that you didn't want to deal with his c$#%p anymore. That's not tough love. That's trying to manipulate/influence him by your choices (which I don't think you were doing, right?)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
in the past , i would be upset and either email or call or something..
predictably.
but this time..i just was at my limit of his cr*p.
no contact was not my choice.
it is hard to do..im not a black and white person , who loves and then can just say bye bye .
but i wont be manipulated either by his antics.
i dont think it was as he said a breakup cause of different goals.
our goal was the same..but our timetable was different..and i didnt jump thru his hoop.
king baby.
i maintain...i dont call or email..or grovel or beg as i think he expects as i had done in the past.
and give my power to him.
no contact is to show that i mean what i say..and say what i mean.
it hurts either way.
to me it feels just more of his upping the ante and pushing the buttons and turning up the heat to get a reaction.
that is what my gut has felt all along.
predictably.
but this time..i just was at my limit of his cr*p.
no contact was not my choice.
it is hard to do..im not a black and white person , who loves and then can just say bye bye .
but i wont be manipulated either by his antics.
i dont think it was as he said a breakup cause of different goals.
our goal was the same..but our timetable was different..and i didnt jump thru his hoop.
king baby.
i maintain...i dont call or email..or grovel or beg as i think he expects as i had done in the past.
and give my power to him.
no contact is to show that i mean what i say..and say what i mean.
it hurts either way.
to me it feels just more of his upping the ante and pushing the buttons and turning up the heat to get a reaction.
that is what my gut has felt all along.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
set in his ways?? anvilhead...lol..
oh yea..
the king baby , gestapo..his royal highness...dictator..
his way or the highway..
guess thats why im on the highway.
i am moving on...slowly..painfully..one day..one step at a time.
as they say..
its hell in the hallway.
thanks and love.
oh yea..
the king baby , gestapo..his royal highness...dictator..
his way or the highway..
guess thats why im on the highway.
i am moving on...slowly..painfully..one day..one step at a time.
as they say..
its hell in the hallway.
thanks and love.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Hi and welcome. Sorry your hurting, it is hard to go through.
My exabf and i broke up in July and i've had no contact since the day he walked out. At the time i was hopeful because i wasn't the one that wanted it to end. But i looked at no contact for ME because that's the ONLY way i was going to be able to move on and keep going forward. Having no contact wasn't to gain anything from him in the longrun, it was for my own sanity. You can ask Anvil in particular how bumpy it has been for me but no contact has saved my life for ME and only me. It ended and that was it......
My exabf and i broke up in July and i've had no contact since the day he walked out. At the time i was hopeful because i wasn't the one that wanted it to end. But i looked at no contact for ME because that's the ONLY way i was going to be able to move on and keep going forward. Having no contact wasn't to gain anything from him in the longrun, it was for my own sanity. You can ask Anvil in particular how bumpy it has been for me but no contact has saved my life for ME and only me. It ended and that was it......
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'm sorry it hurts so much. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing. You know your limits and what you're willing to put up with. You seem to have healthy boundaries.
As an A, I think you're right about him hoping you'll come crying back. He wants/needs someone to take care of his crap while he's drunk/high. You won't do it so he's got to find someone who will. His addiction is his priority.
Keep posting!
As an A, I think you're right about him hoping you'll come crying back. He wants/needs someone to take care of his crap while he's drunk/high. You won't do it so he's got to find someone who will. His addiction is his priority.
Keep posting!
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by KMMK 
i have a kitty named Heather ! :-) (one of FIVE!!) animal rescuer...sure sign of codie!..plus im a nurse..
omg ..no wonder im in this mess!
omg ..no wonder im in this mess!
It's the hardest lesson i've ever learned and I have a long way to go. Do you go to Al Anon? That helped along with a therapist to figure why i accepted unacceptable behavior from my ex.Anvil ~ thanks for the balloons
appreciate it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
you know ...no contact might be nothing to him..
but it sure as hell is TOUGH on me! lol
im not a tough love , no contact kind of gal.
and this is really new for me..and even new with how i respond to him.
its scary, painful, uncomfortable..but i feel it is the only way to protect myself.
he can do whatever..but i will not beg or crawl or grovel for anyone.
yep ..the beegee made that first song..
how do you mend a broken heart??
but i also like and feel what drives my current behavior towards him of no contact has more to do with Aretha and RESPECT!
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT .
APPRECIATED.
but it sure as hell is TOUGH on me! lol
im not a tough love , no contact kind of gal.
and this is really new for me..and even new with how i respond to him.
its scary, painful, uncomfortable..but i feel it is the only way to protect myself.
he can do whatever..but i will not beg or crawl or grovel for anyone.
yep ..the beegee made that first song..
how do you mend a broken heart??
but i also like and feel what drives my current behavior towards him of no contact has more to do with Aretha and RESPECT!
THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT .
APPRECIATED.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
kmmk,
two years is a long time to love somebody. don't feel there is something wrong with you that you are still grieving, still shocked. it is completely normal and it will take as long as it takes. everyone loves differently, every love is different in its depth and breadth, and cookie cutter statements do not apply.
he doesn't want to give up using. that is why he isn't with you.
it may take a long time for you to feel better and not so deeply sad. grieve as long as you need to.
addicts do often come back. if that happens, i hope enough time will have passed that you are not too vulnerable to the con.
i am so sorry you were hurt and are in such pain. just hang on. God moves our lives and we follow.
two years is a long time to love somebody. don't feel there is something wrong with you that you are still grieving, still shocked. it is completely normal and it will take as long as it takes. everyone loves differently, every love is different in its depth and breadth, and cookie cutter statements do not apply.
he doesn't want to give up using. that is why he isn't with you.
it may take a long time for you to feel better and not so deeply sad. grieve as long as you need to.
addicts do often come back. if that happens, i hope enough time will have passed that you are not too vulnerable to the con.
i am so sorry you were hurt and are in such pain. just hang on. God moves our lives and we follow.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In the City
Posts: 59
Anvilhead, Peaceteach and LaTeeDa ....... It's so nice to have such a great support system here on the forum ...... now I've realized my music selection needs to be overhauled.
I'm down here trying to dig out of this mess listening to Whitney Houston singing "I Will Always Love You" ..... ugh .... oh well ... back to my copy of "Codependent No More."
KMMK .... It's sounds like you're doing the right thing for you. Stay strong. I'm also on no contact with my XABF and it get's so lonely, but I promised myself NO CONTACT. I had five years invested in that relationship and I can't expect it to heal in two months. I keep looking for the Recovery Drive Through Window. Burger, Fries, New Amazing Best Friend that takes my breath away. To Go.
I know I've got a lot of recovery to do before I can put my heart into another relationship. I've also realized that my XABF in his current state does not match the requirements of how I expect to be treated by someone who respects and loves me. If I wouldn't start a relationship with him ... the way he is today ..... there is not sense in trying to restart it.
Stay strong and true to yourself.
I'm down here trying to dig out of this mess listening to Whitney Houston singing "I Will Always Love You" ..... ugh .... oh well ... back to my copy of "Codependent No More."
KMMK .... It's sounds like you're doing the right thing for you. Stay strong. I'm also on no contact with my XABF and it get's so lonely, but I promised myself NO CONTACT. I had five years invested in that relationship and I can't expect it to heal in two months. I keep looking for the Recovery Drive Through Window. Burger, Fries, New Amazing Best Friend that takes my breath away. To Go.
I know I've got a lot of recovery to do before I can put my heart into another relationship. I've also realized that my XABF in his current state does not match the requirements of how I expect to be treated by someone who respects and loves me. If I wouldn't start a relationship with him ... the way he is today ..... there is not sense in trying to restart it.
Stay strong and true to yourself.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a really great place!!!!
You may not care for what I am about to say..................................however, I will try and be 'gentle' lol.
Everything I have read so far, of what you have described gave me RED FLAGS. The 'control' issues were going to get worse, not better. And people (not just men) with those types of control issues, seems to me tend to become abusive.
Having 'no contact' can be called Tough Love or Preserving Your Own Sanity.
I would like to suggest some Alanon Meetings (because there are more of them) or Naranon meetings, wherein one of the first things you will learn is the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Although it hurts right now, as time goes on, you will come to realize that you have learned much from this experience and the hurt does go away, honest.
Please keep posting, venting, laughing crying, etc and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
You may not care for what I am about to say..................................however, I will try and be 'gentle' lol.
Everything I have read so far, of what you have described gave me RED FLAGS. The 'control' issues were going to get worse, not better. And people (not just men) with those types of control issues, seems to me tend to become abusive.
Having 'no contact' can be called Tough Love or Preserving Your Own Sanity.
I would like to suggest some Alanon Meetings (because there are more of them) or Naranon meetings, wherein one of the first things you will learn is the 3 C's:
You didn't CAUSE it,
You can't CONTROL it, and
You can't CURE it.
Although it hurts right now, as time goes on, you will come to realize that you have learned much from this experience and the hurt does go away, honest.
Please keep posting, venting, laughing crying, etc and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much!
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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