Barbara52

My STBXAH is being passive agressive in handling his responsibilities in fixing up our home so it can go up on the market. He has signed the listing agreement and recognizes (on some level) that the house must be sold or it will go to foreclosure. I've hired someone to do the painting and minor repairs. Since he is living in the hosue, AH has to readdy the rooms that are to be painted, making the walls easily accessible, moving stuff out, etc. Well he is dragging his feet (big surprise) and says he needs more time to do this even though he is still unemployed and has nothing else to do!

He doesn't really want to sell the hosue and is comfortable as could be living there, paying nothing other than utilities (which actually are being paid by someone else since he has no income), and living in his little fantasy world.

So my question is what do I do? My thought is to set a deadline and tell him if its not done by then, I will come and do it and won't be gentle with his things. But part of me says that is just letting him off the hook so to speak and letting him continue to ignore his responsibilites. ARRGGGHHH! I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place on this one.

LaTeeDa

Could you hire someone to do what needs to be done and deduct it from his share of the equity?

L

Barbara52

Good idea. I could have my handyman do it as part of the other work and add it to his charges.

Thanks. I knew there was another option I just wasn't seeing.

DetachMe9

Barbara: My first marriage ended this way; I left and he was living in our home when he finally agreed to put it on the market. Ultimately, he refused to do anything whatsoever to help get the most resale. He just laid down and played the victim to my leaving him until the realtor found a buyer who was willing to take the house as-is. We probably lost about $10,000 because of this, but by then it just didn't matter. I wasn't willing to press the point, hire someone, do it myself, etc. because I just wanted it to be OVER.

Looking back, I see that he was stalling as a way to keep me in his life for as long as possible (even if it was conflictual). If you can bite it a while longer, then I'd go with LTD's idea.

Good luck. This is the home-stretch.....

Kindeyes

Hiring the handyman to do this task seems like a great solution! Isn't it funny how it's hard to see easy solutions when we're in the thick of things! This forum is so wonderful!

The A's in our lives throw so many roadblocks out there for us......sometimes it feels like I'm on an obstacle course! Jump, duck, roll, cut to the left, cut to the right, hop, spin...you get the picture.

Barbara52

Oh definitely. The obvious totally escaped me on this one.

I'm think I may send him an email emphasizing that the house will go into foreclosure if he does not cooperate, that if its not fixed up it will sell for much less, that he has more to lose on this whole shebang than I do. Money may be a motivator for him. It may not be either. Heck, it doesn't much matter to me anymore what we get for it just as long as I get out of the mortgage committment.

Growing

((((Barbara))))

You'll make it.

peaceteach

Hang in there Barbara52! I'm thinking of you and getting almost dizzy remembering how I had to deal with the sale of my house during the "crisis" years... There is definitely a major calm after the storm, sister. I'm there now

Spiritual Seeker

Even eventual money didn't motivate my son if he had to take responsibility to get something accomplished. His lethargy and addicted thinking left him incapable, no matter how many times he was reminded. Your ex seems the same.
All you can do is move forward trying not to be disappointed when your ex doesn't help.
Once the house is sold, hopefully all of your dealings with him will be done. It is no surprize that you need to be the responsible one.
Keep receipts and list of all expences to deduct from his share of any proceeds.
Keep moving forward to meet your own goal.
He is not going to change at this stage.
You have the capacity to get this done. Be grateful that you are the competant one.
Blessings to you at this difficult time.

Barbara52

I stopped over at the house this evening to see what he has accomplished. Surprise, surprise. He's done basically nothing.

Unfortunately, it also is clear he has started drinking again. Not a surprise of course but it still saddens me. But its between him and his HP.

I've decided to suggest renting a storage pod or room at one of those self storage places, telling him I will pay the first month's rent out of the equity line and giving him a deadline to get move all the excessive stuff out.

I am going to dispassionately point out what will improve the chances of the house selling for the asking price to see if he will act responsibly and then let things go as they will. If I end up selling the house for a whole lot less than I hoped or it goes into foreclosure, I see it as a price for having made a bad decision in marrying the man. It won't make me happy to lose the equity but in a way I won't really be losing anything since I don't have the money now anyway. And removing this tie to him will be worth it.

Barbara52

I am surprisingly calm about all of this. I know the mess and hassles are his, not mine, that I cannot change his behaviors, that it will end with time. I am not experiencing any anger really, just frustration at being at the mercy of a man who is living in a fantasy world. I guess my overall attitude is it will be what it will be.

hope2bhappy

I like LTD's suggestion. Smart thinking! And I also like DetachMe9's suggestion... take a deep breath and let it go. Literally. Sell the house as is and walk away. The loss you would take on the sale can't possibly be more than the loss of your serenity.

prodigal

(((Barb))) I know his passive-aggressive behavior is driving you up the wall. It is a burr in my side too when I see our home, which we moved into in April '06, looking like a dump due to AH's neglect.

Just a thought, but I've considered some of the things my AH has done as passive-aggression, but when I looked at it in a different light, I just saw that he didn't give a hoot. I mean, he doesn't care about his health, our finances, this house, his own hygiene (a lot of times). Maybe your stbxAH is just too involved in drinking.

At least from my own experience, I found my AH acted out inappropriately and attributed it to his dislike of me. I don't think I figure that prominently into his "equation" for living. That's when I just stopped listening to the outbursts. I also found that his indifference to get off his duff and do things that needed to get done boiled down to having his sole focus on his only pastttime: getting drunk.

Hire a handyman, get the place cleaned up - and hope he doesn't slop it up as soon as you get it cleaned up! - and sell the house. Is it enabling? Yeah, maybe. On the other hand, you are protecting your financial interests. Do what you need to do for yourself. Leave him to his own devices. Foreclosure would hurt you financially, but it would hurt him a lot more. Where would he live if that occurred?

RosieM

All of this is hitting "home" with me right now as well. My realtor is coming over tomorrow night to see what shape the house is in. I'm living in it, but told him we can't expect much help from ah in getting ready to put on the market (which is pretty bad all over, I guess). I am going to have to decide whether to pack up his crap and finish all his half-finished projects. But some of these things can be hired out - and I would willingly give up some of the equity to be free of it.

Barbara52

I think my AH truly is living in a rosey little fantasy world all his own including his great love affairs with women on line (the current one 20 years younger and in Kansas). He is comfortable where he is, not having any real responsibilities, not having to support himself, doing what he wants (drink and seduce online) without consequence. He doesn't have the motivation to do anything, let alone do what needs to be done to sell the house. His choice of course.

If it ends up foreclosed, he'll end up on the streets. He has no job, no income, no savings, nothing. Even with a sale, he's gonna have a hard time finding a place to rent with no job/income. But his choices are leading him to that result. Only he can do something about it. I sure am not going to rescue him!