CBB126

I cannot stand my husband. I have very forcefully detached myself from him after 20 years of dealing with alcoholism and dealing with his mother’s alcoholism. His mother is 73 years old and a raging alcoholic. She is abusive, loud and has been awful to me for a lot of those 20 years. My husband enables her terribly and for the past 18 years, I have too. Unfortunately, he is an only child. I have been detaching from her and not even wanting to deal with her issues after many years of being the dutiful daughter in law. She has been very mean and hurtful and 95% of those times, my husband has not stood up for me. She has been hospitalized many times in the past 2 years, and my husband makes every excuse as to why she is sick, why she is mean. Recently she was hospitalized with blood clots because she won’t move, she just sits in a chair and drinks. I thought that with her last hospitalization, he would realize that she needed to be in a nursing home, that running to her house every time she drank and passed out on the floor was not the way to live. But no, he did not. She was brought home. (Thankfully, she has her own home). I just can’t anymore, I hate him and her. I have threw away 20 years of my life (I’m 38) and ready to start living. I never lived. We have 2 children – 1 in college, 1 13 years old. And like many other posters, I have a house, the house that I hate, but won’t sell because of the awful market. My husband has been staying with his mother for the past week, which has pretty much been the best time of my life. He came home last night and I literally couldn’t breathe, my chest closed in on me and I prayed and prayed. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to talk to his mother, I just want to be. I have stopped helping him with his mother, I just got off that drama train. It's a never ending cycle, and I don't want the next 10 years dealing with those issues. It helps typing this out, right now I am so tense, my chest hurts all the time, my head hurts and I have to get out and I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I have been co-dependant all my life, know all the rules and still allow myself to go through this.

Thanks for listening.

p.s. Yes, I go to alanon, and guess what – I’m acoa too!!

Pajarito

Wow, I can only say I know how you feel. It sounds like you have dealt with a lot in your short life. You are only 38. What are you going to do with the rest of your life? I know what I'm doing with mine- I'm getting out. I'm 44- too much of my short life has been spent in chaos as well.

I have learned so much from the wonderful people on this forum, from al-anon, from trying to be "quiet" and listen to my gut, journaling, walking, reading. . . I also go to a wonderful therapist. I hope you will continue to come here and find a way to take care of yourself. It seems you are on the verge of that already. Take care- you will find a lot of support here.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this dreadful disease. And you have a triple whammy (a hat trick in soccer ;-). I'm glad to hear that you are going to Alanon. Hate is a powerful emotion. But a self destructive one IMHO.

You can have control over your situation but it is your decision how you accomplish that. I chose to leave my xah and raise my son alone (but actually didn't have to raise him alone as I met my current husband shortly thereafter and we've been married for 23 years.) Some choose to stay with the alcoholic spouse but find serenity (I think I would have had a hard time doing so).

Only you know your limits.

gentle hugs to you as you deal with so much pain.

Growing

Welcome...Welcome...Welcome (((CBB126)))!!!!!!!

"Yes, I go to alanon, and guess what – I’m acoa too!!"

The above is me! Glad to meet you...keep coming back!

One thing is for sure...its seems like you won't allow the status quo anymore! I am actually really happy for you...you will move on in your time and you are going to love the peace and quiet! Good for you! Health is on the way!

From what you posted...you are doing great in realizing what you don't want anymore...now you can focus on yourself and what you need out of life. Take good care of yourself...you will need to be in the best possible condition as you move forward.

I hated my alchoholic father for a while...at one point...I released this anger and forgave him and myself in my own time...It takes time. Releasing our hatred is something we do for our own spirit.

But, anger used appropriately can be a change agent! It sounds like you are there.

Hugs and care to you! Keep us posted!

splashylanding

CBB126

Thanks to all..Growing, you made me realize that I am more angry than hateful and a lot of the anger is directed at myself for allowing this situation to go on for so long. We have been doing this dance for sooo many years and it is just enough. I can't be that girl he once knew, the passive, take anything person. I need to be me. Anger is really helping me get there, because I can't change him, his mother or anyone. I am darn tired of trying and don't need it in my life anymore. Splashylanding - thank you for reminding me of what could be. Kindeyes and Pajarito - thanks bunches, it helps knowing others are here and recovering together.

Barbara52

So CBB126, what is you do want in your life? Have you thought where you do want to be and how to get there?

Take it one step at a time and don't let yourself get overwhelmed at everything that goes along with whatever changes you want to make.

Ragazza Miele

Yes, you are angry at yourself for allowing it for so long, but like someone else here said, THAT will help you make your move. After 24 years of marriage, and begging him for at least the last 15 yrs to stop this madness, I continued living the lie, living the life and going thru the motions with an emotionless human being. I was missing out on so much. I knew how much I was missing, I just didn't know how to get out. And then I made the most wrong move of all, I met someone while I was still in the marriage and had an affair. Oh, I'm out of the marriage AND done with the boyfriend now, but not without leaving a mess behind me. I wish I would have had the strength to get out on my own that 15 yrs ago when I was begging him. We've been separated a year and are now divorced. Life is looking up, but I didn't make it easy on myself by realizing what you still have the time to do. While probably at my most vulnerable time in my life, i cracked and did something I now regret every single day. Not leaving him, just the "how" I left him; letting him have something "on" me - the affair. You are young, you have your whole life in front of you still. Take it by the bull horns and go with it honey, you deserve it!

Shivaya

CBB126, Welcome, and I can relate to your story. I too, am an ACOA and surprise.....I married an A (of course I did not know it at the time). My AH and I have been together for 19 years, and I too, think, how could I have let myself be in this situation for so long?

I attend al-anon and see a counselor, and am learning that I don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, that I can/should make boundaries in my relationships. I know that part of the reason I have accepted my AH's behavior for so long, is the fact that this is what I saw growing up....that the men (and I don't mean just my father) drank, did drugs, and basically were weak and helpless species in general.

For me, it's no longer acceptable that my spouse be passed out/blacked out on the floor, couch, car, etc. It's no longer acceptable to be in a loveless marriage.

I know I have many faults, some of them yet to be discovered I'm sure. I also know that I have very loving, healthy relationships with my family and friends, so I must be doing something right. The fact that I don't have this kind of relationship with my husband, and I know that my behaviors have contributed, I truly believe stems from his drinking.

How can you love someone whom you have no respect for? How can you respect someone who is passed out, face down in a plate of food? How can you love someone that continuously lies to you?

You are not alone in your pain, your feeling like you are having a nervous breakdown, and your anger.

Take good care of yourself.....do something for you that lifts your spirits and makes you smile!

Shivaya

CBB126

Barbara - not a day goes by that I don't think about how to get out of this. What's missing is a plan. I am caught in the process of bill paying, college tuition, and problems and I am dying inside. Your story has been very inspiring to me and I know that it can be done.

Ragazza Miele - we sound so much alike, living the lie when I am desperately unhappy. Thank you so much for those words of wisdom.

Ragazza Miele

CBB - I called it "suffering in silence". I'm so much happier now, but I still have alittle anger with myself for letting it go on for so long when I didn't have to. I don't really know what I was afraid of. Probably finances since I was raising two small children back then, but I got it going on now Baby!! And glad I did. Like I said before, there's ups & downs, but there were more downs with him than up, I got the better end of the deal now!! It can only get better - LIFE IS GOOD!! I just with I would have found this site sooner and got more help before I let things get out of control. Can't cry over spilt milk now though. 8

Mair

CBB(())) Nice to meet you. Youve done all you can, you can do no more. Now get out there and start living your life, no buts, youve been strong enough to survive 20 odd years with two alcoholics!!, You my friend can survive anything. Keep posting.

Mair

peaceteach

The first time I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he checked himself into a rehab and stayed sober for 14 years. The second time I told my husband I couldn't live like this anymore, he moved out and found himself an apartment to keep on drinking. Both times HE made the move that, in turn, helped me. I wonder what would happen if you told him you wanted a divorce? Would there be a chance that he also would like to be apart and would actually make it easier on you? Just wondering.

Wascally Wabbit

I can tell you that I too had to leave.
I planned it out very well. I saved money for an apartment and all the deposits. Then, I moved. The transition was much easier on me than having to leave all of a sudden with no where to go. Planning also gave me something to look forward to. It took away a lot of the fear of moving out.
I always recomend checking your credit report too. You never know what's going on behind your back. I learned the hard way, and 2 years later I am still dealing with it.

I hope you are able to calm down and feel better soon.

prodigal

CBB, if anger is what propels you out of the mess, then so be it. I understand how angry you are. In time you will get out all that anger and be at peace. I think we all have to work towards that because you know what I discovered? I was eating up my insides with my hatred towards my AH while he was zoned out in laa-laa land. My anger at him was hurting me but wasn't affecting him one tiny bit. After all, he was entirely self-absorbed in his addiction.

A lot of us are stuck with homes and the AH in this awful real estate market. Basically my AH's only interest is drinking. The termites will probably eat the house down to a matchstick before he does anything. Maybe he won't even bother. The place is dirty and I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after a slob.

Work on your anger. He's been a crumb to you and his mother sounds like she's in the end stages of her addiction. Releasing the hatred will free you up to figure out how to get out. Don't sweat the details right now. As crazy as it sounds, loose ends have a way of taking care of theirselves. The most important thing for you to do is start a plan of action, take it in manageable steps, and you are right - stay out of the A's drama!

FormerDoormat

I no longer wait for or rely on others to make a move that will improve my life. I control my destiny, so I make the move myself.

hopeangel

just understanding here. (((hugs))) i feel the same way.

"He came home last night and I literally couldn’t breathe, my chest closed in on me and I prayed and prayed. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to talk to his mother, I just want to be."

my ah left for texas this morning without so much as a goodbye. i'm dreading him coming home too. i would just like some real time to myself to clear my head and sort things out.

eyes wide open

I too am at the end of my rope with the AH. I don't see him ever wanting to get help. I told him this morning that I would be looking for a job and then we will look in the dissolving this 16yr marriage. My 9yr is really tired of it all, never knowing how his dad is going to be. I am also tired of hearing how he has supported me for the years I have stayed home with our son. So I too am putting a plan in place and hopefully find the strength to carry it thru.

Lilyflower

I just wanted to offer my support to you all who are beginning/ thinking of ending your relationships. I wasn't married, but I know how hard I found it to say the words and follow them through. Each day I am more convinced I did the right thing, xabf has started drinking like a trooper again when for months he has been trying hard to cut back/quit. Seems that he was just trying to make me happy after all. Which is lovely, but I never wanted him to quit for me. I am just learning that he isn't ready to quit permanently, and I guess I only learnt that after I chose to end it.

Good luck to you all and big hugs (((((((((())))))))))

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx

LaTeeDa

I believe it was Dr. Phil who said:

What's worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years? Being in an unhealthy relationship for 10 years and a day.

Best wishes to all of you. (((())))

L