Sophia57

Hi there

My RAH gets in a really foul mood when he's overtired, and guess who gets the brunt of it?

I know its a small episode compared to what some people here go thru but I've no one else to tell about it and get it out of my system so I can get on with my day.

Someone put junk mail thru the letterbox this morning at 6.30am and the dog barked, waking us up way too early and he had been working late last night. Then he spilled his cereal all over the floor (he keeps dropping things lately and is worried about it - he's 53), then I drove him to the train station on my way to work.
We ALWAYS have a row those mornings I drive him as we have very differnt ways of driving - he gets frustrated easily and is always getting into shouting matches with other drivers. Anyway, this morning I didnt react quickly enough at the lights and some guy cut me up.

RAH opens the car door (while we're moving) and shouts after him...as if he could hear. Then he berates me for letting prople walk over me and that I had right of way and if it had been him driving he would have driven straight into the side of the other guy's car and gotten a new car out of it.
Totally irrational.

I didnt respond, as I've found that what he wants in these situations is a fight. Normally I'd walk away when he talks to me like this, but you cant in a car, can you?

So then he opens the door (we're still moving) and says he's going to walk as I'm not responding to him. I reply that we drive different ways and that's the way it is. He closes the door and we have total silence till we get to the train station when gets out, slams the door and walks off.

This is so childish but it makes me so angry. I hate being in the car with him and spend the times when he's driving distracting myself by reading as I cant watch what he's doing. Long journeys are a nightmare and there's no convincing him he drives badly and that he's not the traffic cops.

I know I just have to detach from this behaviour and I do most of the time, but sometimes it just gets to me!

BTW he's 13 years sober in AA.

Thanks for listening - feel a bit better now.

Lilyflower

What comes to mind is that he find some other way of getting to the station if he cannot stand your driving so much. You manage to keep quiet when he is driving by distracting yourself, why cannot he extend the same curtousy to you? I think you both would benefit from some ''driving boundaries''. It is just plain stupid and dangerous to open the door when moving!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

denny57

Sobriety isn't a free pass to being a childish jerk.

I stayed stuck for a long time because I thought I "had" to. It has been great learning these past 2 years that isn't the case - I always have choices.

Kindeyes

Unfortunately it's these "little" situations that occur constantly that wear us down. You handled it well by not letting him engage you in an argument.

It's funny. I talk about how irrational the A in my life is but when I argue with him (trying to "rationalize"), I'm arguing with a disease. I really have to ask myself if I'm being rational at that point.

(I just now figured out that RAH means "recovering alcoholic husband". All this time in all of these threads I've been reading it as "raging alcoholic husband". Silly me. The posts will read a little different in the future! Thank you for the clarification!)

hugs

Growing

Hello Sophia!

Just wanted to add my support of you as you begin to notice your needs and the behavior of your rah.

Experiment with different "detaching tactics" until you find what works for you! You are on the right track and I am sure you will find what works for you.

bluejay6

i posted a bit about clinical depression on another thread and don't mean to sound like a broken record.

but men with clinical depression often have this behavior. you might read up all you can on men and depression. it is possible he needs a consult with a doctor.

so sorry you have to be slammed with his angry winds. be gentle with yourself, dear.

Barbara52

I am reasonably sure that part of my AH's problems were depression. Unfortunately, he chooses not to deal with that aspect of his issues anymore than he chooses to deal with his alcoholism. Unfortunately, you cannot force treatment of any sort on someone.

warrens

I am pretty good at controlling anger. It's a powerful poison to me. I don't just "bury it," I get rid of it in various ways.

But, the other day, (day 9 or 10 at the time) I think I was writing a reply on this board and M'lady was watching a funny video on her laptop.

All of a sudden there was cacaphony. Unrestrained laughter (a gift she has). Not just momentary either. For some reason I sharply and loudly said "Shut up!" In a not nice way.

I was stunned, she was in tears. I meant to say the same words in a playful way. But my words were an angry bark. "I don't DO that," I thought to myself.

I spent the rest of the day doing damage control. It took my mind off of my recovery and introduced all kinds of foul feelings that would have made me drink just a short time ago.

Recovery is a bitc*. It can, I see now, cause one to wrestle with oneself. In the mud. Make us do things reflexively. Our reflex used to be having a drink. Now that is gone. What to replace it with?

I learned a great deal from that incident. It cannot happen again. I truly didn't mean it. But it happened. M'lady and I both learned something, I think.

I don't think there is an excuse for such behavior, but there is a reason at least. Told M'lady to call me on it, to not tolerate it, but recognize where it comes from; it ain't personal.

Perhaps a talk with your husband might help. With your first words being "I understand where those feelings come from BUT..."

Good luck

warrens

FormerDoormat

And you put up with all this BS because...?

It doesn't matter to me what the cause of the behavior is, it's still unacceptable.

How about civility?

Sophia57

Thanks everyone. your input helps a lot.

Shortly after I posted i got a call 'i'm sorry about this morning...I dont know what got into me'. I didnt let him off lightly, but at the same time let him see my day wasn't ruined cos of his bad behavior. Told him he can drive to the station tomorrow and ram into all the cars he likes, but deal with the consequences.

Former Doormat - I dont know why I put up with this BS. He refuses to go to any therapist, ever, all he needs is AA. I'm working on my boundaries but it sure is slow work!

I dont even know if I love him still, or ever really did...I have no answers.My feelings for him are so conflicted.
hugs to all & thanks for your support

Ragazza Miele

My XAH had both alcoholism and depression and after I detached with someone who had no interest in getting help, i chose to get out. I don't understand the detachment thing yet staying with them. Seems like if you have to detach that much from someone, what is the point of even being with them?

hope2bhappy

My RAH is a terrific guy almost all of the time. I truly have no complaints, except for one... since quitting drinking, he has developed road rage, and he admits it. He was never this way before. He has always been a happy-go-lucky, passive kind of person. I've rarely seen him get angry about anything. He doesn't get impatient in other situations (like in the checkout lines, etc.)... only behind the wheel, and only since he's been sober. I don't know what he plans to do about it.

FormerDoormat

My feelings exactly!