It's been a while...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 15
It's been a while...
Hello everyone. Hope this finds you well. It's been quite a while since I've posted...I do however visit the site often for comfort (?).
Lots of things happening since my last post. Most notable was my brother's attempt on his life. This may be nothing new to some of you but it is to me.
I had reached a point of what I thought was indifference and acceptance of what is. I wasn't worried as often; I didn't really talk about it as much. I would hear bits and pieces of my brother's whereabouts...living on the street, staying in a homeless shelter. I'm talking about a guy that not 4 years ago had a good job, a house, a wife and three fantastic kids (whom I see on a regular basis). I didn't have much of a reaction to it. I felt I was moving farther and farther away from it. Then I heard he got the crap beat out of him to the point of brain damage. My first reaction was to find him; talk to him, see what the hell was really going on, firsthand. The situation had become so out of control and so foreign to me. But then I thought: if I find him, and he's drinking, and I get an angry, defensive, b.s. story, my head is going to pop off. So I made almost no effort to find him. I couldn't take the chance. I feel horrible about that.
Then came the day he jumped off of a bridge. I have to admit when heard about it I was so pissed. I thought, could you BE more dramatic? Are you kidding me? There was an article in the paper with a headline that said something like "homeless man jumps from bridge". With a picture. My god. You couldn't see his face...it was taken from a distance but he's my brother, you know? I recognized him instantly...dripping wet, no shirt, being held by the police. It was like someone was squeezing my heart as hard as they could.
He was brought to a mental hospital. I've seen him three times in the past week. My mom (who lives far away) asked me to bring him cigarettes and stuff. I was reluctant and nervous...I didn't know what I would find. I wasn't sure how he would look or act. I didn't know what to expect. But, when the day came I couldn't get there fast enough. Something I couldn't put my finger on was driving me there. When he saw me, he put his hand out to shake mine. I took it and pulled him toward me and we hugged for a long time. He said he didn't think I would show. I told him, you're my brother. And I told him that right now I'm not interested in apologies or explanations. You need to look forward and focus on the road ahead. He seemed as realistic as could be expected at the time. He had only been there a few days....they had him on anti-depressants (non-narcotic he insisted) and a certain drug to ease the DTs.
I must admit I got caught up in seeing my brother, who had at one time been one of my best friends, sober in front of me. At least more sober than I had seen him in a really long time. He was actually hearing me. I feel I need to squeeze it in just in case he falls off again.
Among the stuff I brought him a few days ago were pictures of his kids. He hasn't seen or talked to them in a long while. I know this is an extremely tough subject for him. I went back yesterday and asked him if he got the pictures (the staff have to inspect everything you bring in). He just said "yes" and that was it. He asked me if I had seen the kids. He seemed different yesterday; he talked about all the other people there. It was like he was trying to take the focus off of himself. He thinks he's really good at that. But I can see right through it. I did not pursue the whole kids/picture thing. I could tell he did not want to talk about it. I'm sure reality is hitting him. Several times over the past few years, in a stupor, he has screamed at me and accused me of not giving a f--- about his kids. I saw a tiny bit of that in him yesterday when he asked me if I had seen them. (fear?) Then as I was leaving he told me to tell them "hi" and that he loves them. This is after asking me not to tell anyone where he is, and that I have not seen him. As far as the kids know, the only person in contact with their father is my mom. I feel awkward about this and as if I am betraying them somehow. I am afraid they'll find out and will be angry at me for keeping it from them. I'm not protecting my brother; I am protecting them. He is not ready to see them right now. No way. Or should I say they might think they are ready to see him, but they're not. Not in the state he's in right now.
After leaving there, I was thinking: I don't think I have a deep enough understanding of the issues he has to deal with. I was so caught up in him being okay (alive anyway) and sober that I didn't think of much else. I want him to be well so bad that I haven't thought enough about what it's going to take or how far "gone" he was/is. And what role I am supposed to play in this whole thing. Suddenly I felt like, okay, that's enough of him for now. I need to back off a little. Does that make sense?
In the meantime I call my mom, wondering how she'll be when she picks up the phone. When all of this happened she was drunk every single time I talked to her. Nonsensical, emotional, dramatic. I thought I would lose my mind. But recently she's been sober every time we've talked. Thank God. I try to convey to her that I cannot help her or talk to her about this when she's drinking. I do it in a roundabout way, though, because I don't want to hurt her or be disrespectful. I am however getting closer and closer to the day where I say "I cannot talk to you when you are drinking, Mom". I just haven't gotten there yet.
I'm not sure how to "end" this little saga...I guess I just needed to get out / tell it to people who will understand. Thanks for listening. Any feedback is welcome. I'm sure I'll be back. You all take care.
Aim
Lots of things happening since my last post. Most notable was my brother's attempt on his life. This may be nothing new to some of you but it is to me.
I had reached a point of what I thought was indifference and acceptance of what is. I wasn't worried as often; I didn't really talk about it as much. I would hear bits and pieces of my brother's whereabouts...living on the street, staying in a homeless shelter. I'm talking about a guy that not 4 years ago had a good job, a house, a wife and three fantastic kids (whom I see on a regular basis). I didn't have much of a reaction to it. I felt I was moving farther and farther away from it. Then I heard he got the crap beat out of him to the point of brain damage. My first reaction was to find him; talk to him, see what the hell was really going on, firsthand. The situation had become so out of control and so foreign to me. But then I thought: if I find him, and he's drinking, and I get an angry, defensive, b.s. story, my head is going to pop off. So I made almost no effort to find him. I couldn't take the chance. I feel horrible about that.
Then came the day he jumped off of a bridge. I have to admit when heard about it I was so pissed. I thought, could you BE more dramatic? Are you kidding me? There was an article in the paper with a headline that said something like "homeless man jumps from bridge". With a picture. My god. You couldn't see his face...it was taken from a distance but he's my brother, you know? I recognized him instantly...dripping wet, no shirt, being held by the police. It was like someone was squeezing my heart as hard as they could.
He was brought to a mental hospital. I've seen him three times in the past week. My mom (who lives far away) asked me to bring him cigarettes and stuff. I was reluctant and nervous...I didn't know what I would find. I wasn't sure how he would look or act. I didn't know what to expect. But, when the day came I couldn't get there fast enough. Something I couldn't put my finger on was driving me there. When he saw me, he put his hand out to shake mine. I took it and pulled him toward me and we hugged for a long time. He said he didn't think I would show. I told him, you're my brother. And I told him that right now I'm not interested in apologies or explanations. You need to look forward and focus on the road ahead. He seemed as realistic as could be expected at the time. He had only been there a few days....they had him on anti-depressants (non-narcotic he insisted) and a certain drug to ease the DTs.
I must admit I got caught up in seeing my brother, who had at one time been one of my best friends, sober in front of me. At least more sober than I had seen him in a really long time. He was actually hearing me. I feel I need to squeeze it in just in case he falls off again.
Among the stuff I brought him a few days ago were pictures of his kids. He hasn't seen or talked to them in a long while. I know this is an extremely tough subject for him. I went back yesterday and asked him if he got the pictures (the staff have to inspect everything you bring in). He just said "yes" and that was it. He asked me if I had seen the kids. He seemed different yesterday; he talked about all the other people there. It was like he was trying to take the focus off of himself. He thinks he's really good at that. But I can see right through it. I did not pursue the whole kids/picture thing. I could tell he did not want to talk about it. I'm sure reality is hitting him. Several times over the past few years, in a stupor, he has screamed at me and accused me of not giving a f--- about his kids. I saw a tiny bit of that in him yesterday when he asked me if I had seen them. (fear?) Then as I was leaving he told me to tell them "hi" and that he loves them. This is after asking me not to tell anyone where he is, and that I have not seen him. As far as the kids know, the only person in contact with their father is my mom. I feel awkward about this and as if I am betraying them somehow. I am afraid they'll find out and will be angry at me for keeping it from them. I'm not protecting my brother; I am protecting them. He is not ready to see them right now. No way. Or should I say they might think they are ready to see him, but they're not. Not in the state he's in right now.
After leaving there, I was thinking: I don't think I have a deep enough understanding of the issues he has to deal with. I was so caught up in him being okay (alive anyway) and sober that I didn't think of much else. I want him to be well so bad that I haven't thought enough about what it's going to take or how far "gone" he was/is. And what role I am supposed to play in this whole thing. Suddenly I felt like, okay, that's enough of him for now. I need to back off a little. Does that make sense?
In the meantime I call my mom, wondering how she'll be when she picks up the phone. When all of this happened she was drunk every single time I talked to her. Nonsensical, emotional, dramatic. I thought I would lose my mind. But recently she's been sober every time we've talked. Thank God. I try to convey to her that I cannot help her or talk to her about this when she's drinking. I do it in a roundabout way, though, because I don't want to hurt her or be disrespectful. I am however getting closer and closer to the day where I say "I cannot talk to you when you are drinking, Mom". I just haven't gotten there yet.
I'm not sure how to "end" this little saga...I guess I just needed to get out / tell it to people who will understand. Thanks for listening. Any feedback is welcome. I'm sure I'll be back. You all take care.
Aim
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Aim,
Hope all is well. I read your post and was thinking about my Sister the whole time then realized that this wasn't about me but about you and your pain. I just said a prayer and asked that you find the strength you will need to make it through today. That is always a comforting thought to me that all I have to do is get through today.
The situation with my Sister is somewhat similar but I have not had to deal with the additional pain of her purposefully trying to end her life. She has been doing that through her drugging, drinking, smoking, casual sex, and overeating for years. We both have had some screwedup relationships but for some reason I didn't continue down the road of drinking and drugging. That is what can be so difficult to get - that we both grew up with a detached, distant, controlling, non-drinking A for a father. He has all the tendencies but didn't take a drink and we turned out to be the Co-De sisters we are.
I started my recovery last year, officially, when I went to my first AlANon meeting. I have not been working the program. I have been reading and seeing a counselor and trying to make sense of the F#$@ed up family that I came from. About 6 months ago I told my sister that I couldn't handle her drama any more - that I get sucked into her life and find it difficult to know when to stop. She responded with "That's your fault...I don't make you feel that way." - and she was right. But I did know that if I continued to interact with her that I WOULD feel that way and that I needed for myself to not expose myself to her life-drama. So I told her that I couldn't handle her in my life.
It has been difficult - I just do the Co-De thing of not thinking about it and ignoring it until I feel guilty for having a healthier life - forgetting as I do all of the hard work and painful self-evaluation that I must do to try and get away from the craziness.
You are doing the hard work and it is worth it because you will be around for yourself and your nieces/nephews. Most important though is that you are ok - right now, the way you are.
I hope you will find and do what serves you best in your life and in your relationship with your Brother. I don't know what purpose this post supports other than to say thank you for letting me get some thoughts out and to let you know that you are not alone.
One day at a time my Girl, one day at a time....
Petunia
Hope all is well. I read your post and was thinking about my Sister the whole time then realized that this wasn't about me but about you and your pain. I just said a prayer and asked that you find the strength you will need to make it through today. That is always a comforting thought to me that all I have to do is get through today.
The situation with my Sister is somewhat similar but I have not had to deal with the additional pain of her purposefully trying to end her life. She has been doing that through her drugging, drinking, smoking, casual sex, and overeating for years. We both have had some screwedup relationships but for some reason I didn't continue down the road of drinking and drugging. That is what can be so difficult to get - that we both grew up with a detached, distant, controlling, non-drinking A for a father. He has all the tendencies but didn't take a drink and we turned out to be the Co-De sisters we are.
I started my recovery last year, officially, when I went to my first AlANon meeting. I have not been working the program. I have been reading and seeing a counselor and trying to make sense of the F#$@ed up family that I came from. About 6 months ago I told my sister that I couldn't handle her drama any more - that I get sucked into her life and find it difficult to know when to stop. She responded with "That's your fault...I don't make you feel that way." - and she was right. But I did know that if I continued to interact with her that I WOULD feel that way and that I needed for myself to not expose myself to her life-drama. So I told her that I couldn't handle her in my life.
It has been difficult - I just do the Co-De thing of not thinking about it and ignoring it until I feel guilty for having a healthier life - forgetting as I do all of the hard work and painful self-evaluation that I must do to try and get away from the craziness.
You are doing the hard work and it is worth it because you will be around for yourself and your nieces/nephews. Most important though is that you are ok - right now, the way you are.
I hope you will find and do what serves you best in your life and in your relationship with your Brother. I don't know what purpose this post supports other than to say thank you for letting me get some thoughts out and to let you know that you are not alone.
One day at a time my Girl, one day at a time....
Petunia
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Aim
Your story brought tears to my eyes, not just because of the tragedy of it all, but because you two have connected and know that in spite of what has happened, and regardless of what happens next, you love each other - and that is a precious gift.
The story of any alcoholic is a sad one, and all we can do is pray for them and hope that they finally reach out for the help they so desperately need.
The rest of your family seems quite a handful too, and I can feel how in the middle of all this you are. Just remember that you are not responsible for how anyone else feels or how they think, and that looking after your own needs must come first.
My prayers go out for you and your brother that he may reach out and grab onto that rope of recovery.
Your story brought tears to my eyes, not just because of the tragedy of it all, but because you two have connected and know that in spite of what has happened, and regardless of what happens next, you love each other - and that is a precious gift.
The story of any alcoholic is a sad one, and all we can do is pray for them and hope that they finally reach out for the help they so desperately need.
The rest of your family seems quite a handful too, and I can feel how in the middle of all this you are. Just remember that you are not responsible for how anyone else feels or how they think, and that looking after your own needs must come first.
My prayers go out for you and your brother that he may reach out and grab onto that rope of recovery.
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